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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
FairFuming · 20/08/2021 15:51

You aren't horrible.

I've just finished being a step-up too and I honestly don't think I want to do it again any time soon.

My kids are still young but they are mine so I put up with things from them that I wouldn't from someone else's.
I think if his kids were the same ages as yours it would be a different story but they aren't and there's nothing you can do about that.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:52

@PostMenPatWithACat do you think??? I honestly thought I would do anything for him. Clearly not so maybe you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:54

My kids are here so don’t want to start packing his stuff up yet. They’re with their dad for next few days so I have time then

OP posts:
magicstar1 · 20/08/2021 15:55

You’ve done nothing wrong. And now you know not to date a man with young children. I always made that a rule as I would never want a man with kids.

newnortherner111 · 20/08/2021 15:55

Far too many people think that their children are somehow wonderful even when they are not, or are just different in some way. So you have done the right thing to be honest about how you feel, and whilst it is a painful outcome, probably seems the best.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:55

I know if his kids were older it wouldn’t be a problem. It really is just bad timing: I’m at the stage where I can start thinking about travelling and he’s getting excited about taking them to Disney

OP posts:
CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:56

and then suddenly it all changed because of my children who had never been kept a secret

It's not about them being a secret or not. The OP has decided she doesn't want to do that stage again. There is nothing wrong with that. Anyone can leave any relationship at any time.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 15:56

@Subbaxeo

He was right to end it-I couldn’t imagine being with anyone who found my children annoying either. In fact, I’d be a bit nonplussed if I’d been dating someone, they were so in love with me etc. and then suddenly it all changed because of my children who had never been kept a secret. So maybe that’s why he’s being a bit nasty. At least you know you definitely don’t want to date anyone with children. You’re obviously at a different stage in life. When I met my dh, he said he’d like to have another baby. I told him to find someone else if that’s what he wanted as I couldn’t imagine anything worse!
I'd feel bad for anyone that had to date you, then. Your children are not an extension of you, there's no reason for you to be nonplussed that they don't like your children just because they like you. If your children are annoying, people will find them annoying.
CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:56

@toobusytothink

My kids are here so don’t want to start packing his stuff up yet. They’re with their dad for next few days so I have time then
Good idea yes. Hope your kids are ok with it.
RedMarauder · 20/08/2021 15:57

They wanted to go off swimming or paddle boarding and he couldn’t understand why his 2 couldn’t go with them

Hell no!

He doesn't like his own kids if he wants teenagers, whom he doesn't know the capabilities, to look after his kids in water.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:57

He always has got very defensive about his kids. Think he over compensates because he split from their mum when babies really. So he’s very soft on them. And never seen kids so young eat so many sweets! (But not going to judge - just incompatible parenting styles)

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 15:59

@toobusytothink

He always has got very defensive about his kids. Think he over compensates because he split from their mum when babies really. So he’s very soft on them. And never seen kids so young eat so many sweets! (But not going to judge - just incompatible parenting styles)
That defensive behaviour is honestly the biggest red flag in the book when it comes to dating someone with kids, in my opinion. It's almost impossible to make work and only gets worse.
ravenmum · 20/08/2021 15:59

It's a shame it's not worked out, you'd be sad however it ended. But tbh it's great for his children that you've spotted the problem quickly and been honest about it. Would have been rubbish for them to have to spend time with someone who wasn't keen.
Sounds to me more like you don't want small children around, rather than that you have anything personal against his children - but if he's got the impression that it's personal, then at least it might reduce any potential dithering!

HollyGrail · 20/08/2021 16:00

If he is hopeless at discipline then there is a chance he will have whingey difficult teens in a few years.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:00

@RedMarauder haha very true. Truth is he dies find the youngest hard work and annoying and has said so! His mum says so! His brother says so! Yet when I say it’s hard work apparently I’m horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:01

He told me maybe I should start telling them off. I said hell no that’s definitely not up to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:02

@HollyGrail the youngest is incredibly whiny and he doesn’t realise that he reacts to it every time

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 16:02

[quote toobusytothink]@RedMarauder haha very true. Truth is he dies find the youngest hard work and annoying and has said so! His mum says so! His brother says so! Yet when I say it’s hard work apparently I’m horrible[/quote]
Defensive and hypocritical!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 20/08/2021 16:02

@PostMenPatWithACat

If he was the one, you would feel differently about his children.
What tosh.

Children are people in their own right, how OP should feel about this man's DC (not how she should treat them) is no different to how she should feel about any other member of his family.

OP will it help you to reframe this as something good happening for your own DC, in that they are not being forced to integrate into a family dynamic that clearly doesn't work for them let alone you? You need to put the feelings of your own DC first in this particular situation.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:02

@ravenmum yes it’s not personal. It really is small kids in general. It’s just not enjoyable for me unfortunately

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 16:03

@toobusytothink

He told me maybe I should start telling them off. I said hell no that’s definitely not up to me.
Literally the more you post the more break up sounds like the right route.

I feel for these kids too. Apparently their dad is struggling to parent and was hoping he could get his partner to do it instead. That’s not worked out and now he’s angry.

TheFairPrincess · 20/08/2021 16:04

It's sad that it's come to an end if you had feelings for your exdp but it really is for the best, you don't want to put yourself through years of that Flowers

I'm in my twenties with 3 DC age 5 and under. I love them to bits but I cannot imagine doing this all again when they are all nearly grown up, and with someone else's DC too. You're not a bad person, it's just not the life for you.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:05

@MyCatHatesEverybody thank you. Yes that definitely helps. They have always said that they really like him and prefer it when he is here as I’m happier. But that they don’t like it when the kids are here too. It isn’t often to be honest but they don’t like it. I always promised them we would never ever be a blended family and he would never move in until they were at uni. Think I was just naive to go on holiday. Just got carried away. And now it’s ruined everything

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 20/08/2021 16:09

If he didn't put his kids before you he wouldn't be the person you thought he was. It's better to acknowledge your feelings now than keep lying to yourself. It's not easy now but it will be easier in the long run

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 16:09

And now it’s ruined everything
It hasn't. There is nothing ruined. You've saved yourself and all the kids involved years of trying to blend/not blend.