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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:37

@WB205020 tbh he did pretty much everything: he was great and told me they were his kids. It was more that my kids felt compelled to. They wanted to go off swimming or paddle boarding and he couldn’t understand why his 2 couldn’t go with them

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 20/08/2021 15:37

Don’t feel bad. You’ve been honest and that’s fair enough.

I would never want to be a step parent. When I dated (I already had dd then aged 6) I just avoided anyone who already had children. Just didn’t want that and didn’t want all the hassle with exes etc. Thankfully there are lots of people who don’t mind - met my now dh and he is a brilliant step dad to dd now aged 18 and we have Ds aged 9 together. It’s okay to be picky and just go for what you like. That’s life!

Muchmorethan · 20/08/2021 15:37

@toobusytothink

Well he’s just started messaging me and being nasty so it’s making it easier at the moment.
Sounds like you had a lucky escape then.
Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 15:38

@toobusytothink

Problem is that I really have fallen for him! 3 bloody years. In my mid 40s and I really thought I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with
Just think, the age discrepancy isn’t going to disappear.

It’ll be your kids settling down and attending engagement parties…while his are still going through exam stress.

He has done you a favour (ending things, not the abusive texts).

EsmeeMerlin · 20/08/2021 15:38

You’ll move on and get over him even if it’s raw now. I wouldn’t want to be with partner with small children if mine were teenagers either. Best decision for all of you and better to end it now then waste years unhappy.

romdowa · 20/08/2021 15:39

I always knew I never wanted to date a guy who had kids , many guys hid the fact that they had kids and many would then become abusive when I would stop dating them. I'm sorry you are experiencing this 😔

Muchmorethan · 20/08/2021 15:39

[quote toobusytothink]@WB205020 tbh he did pretty much everything: he was great and told me they were his kids. It was more that my kids felt compelled to. They wanted to go off swimming or paddle boarding and he couldn’t understand why his 2 couldn’t go with them[/quote]
So he wanted yours to entertain his?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:40

Re belongings. He said he never wants to see me again but that unfortunately he has 2. I said I can be out and he can pick all his stuff up. No response to that.

OP posts:
ThisIsWeirdRight · 20/08/2021 15:41

He sounds very immature OP. Be glad you dodged a bullet in the long run

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:41

Re meal times - just won’t eat. But then it becomes a battle and takes over the entire meal. Then the crying starts. Or the aggro.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:42

@toobusytothink

Re meal times - just won’t eat. But then it becomes a battle and takes over the entire meal. Then the crying starts. Or the aggro.
Sounds like meal times at my house. I wouldn’t willingly choose to do it again once mine are grown
Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 15:42

@toobusytothink

Re belongings. He said he never wants to see me again but that unfortunately he has 2. I said I can be out and he can pick all his stuff up. No response to that.
I wouldn’t get caught up in the texting back and forwards. He texts you abusive messages? Don’t reply.

Send him 1 message saying something along the lines of ‘you belongings will be outside the house at X time on X date. Please collect them at your earliest convenience’.

You don’t need to engage more than that.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:42

@Muchmorethan yes kind of. My 2 are too polite to say no. He insists my two were having a great time with his but I know otherwise

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 20/08/2021 15:43

You are not horrible at all, you've just been very honest. And I think all credit to you. His DCs have got to come first in his life and if you don't want to be with them (and I can see that as you have 2 teenagers) then I think it's a good decision on your part.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:44

Well he was meant to be coming over tonight as my two are going to their dad’s. I’m not going to message him again - if he wants his stuff, he can ask

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:48

I’ve now just got to really stick to my guns because I know that if he decides he can live with me not spending time with his kids then he will talk me round … just hope he continues with the hate he feels towards me right now because then I won’t want him back

OP posts:
bargelights · 20/08/2021 15:49

It's probably for the best to put the brakes on now. Imagine how much worse it could be if you ended up living together and feeling resentment toward the children. It's undoubtedly best for them as well, since they don't deserve to spend their childhoods with an adult who doesn't like them. It isn't your fault at all, I think it's perfectly reasonable to know your limits. And it doesn't help with the pain of the breakup. But I think ending the relationship may be for the best for everyone concerned.

Though if he is behaving so childishly, you're better off without him for other reasons.

tara66 · 20/08/2021 15:49

He may have thought and expected you would be a good source of child care to his children hence he is now so annoyed.

Pebbledashery · 20/08/2021 15:49

All you've done is be honest. Nobody can shoot you down for that.

PostMenPatWithACat · 20/08/2021 15:50

If he was the one, you would feel differently about his children.

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:50

@toobusytothink

I’ve now just got to really stick to my guns because I know that if he decides he can live with me not spending time with his kids then he will talk me round … just hope he continues with the hate he feels towards me right now because then I won’t want him back
What do you mean talk you around.

You find it hard to spend time with his children (not unreasonable) and since breaking up he has been abusive to you by text.

Getting back together would be a huge mistake.

FlorenceWintle · 20/08/2021 15:51

A sad situation and neither of you are in the wrong (apart from his nasty texts). I wouldn’t want to go back to holidays with 5-year-olds either.

Subbaxeo · 20/08/2021 15:51

He was right to end it-I couldn’t imagine being with anyone who found my children annoying either. In fact, I’d be a bit nonplussed if I’d been dating someone, they were so in love with me etc. and then suddenly it all changed because of my children who had never been kept a secret. So maybe that’s why he’s being a bit nasty. At least you know you definitely don’t want to date anyone with children. You’re obviously at a different stage in life. When I met my dh, he said he’d like to have another baby. I told him to find someone else if that’s what he wanted as I couldn’t imagine anything worse!

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:51

Could you start getting his things together so there's less time he has to spend there?

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 15:51

You're not horrible at all OP. In fact I'm getting red flags about him. He won't settle for less than a fully blended family, yet he has difficult children and is too defensive to discuss that? That is a very common set of red flags that cause huge issues in relationships. As much as you may love him, I think you've dodged a bullet here.