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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 15:26

@toobusytothink

Also the fact that I was expected to play cars in the sand and all I wanted to do was read… I know it probably wasn’t very sensible all going away together. Guess I just got excited about our future and had high hopes
That would be my version of hell too. Been there, done that, won’t be doing it again.

Why were you ‘expected’ to play with his kids?
Sounds like you have actually escaped a relationship that you really didn’t want.

MimiDaisy11 · 20/08/2021 15:26

No one is at fault. Hope you can both move on and find more suitable people

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:26

@HunkyPunk I agree - I tried to tell him it was the age not the kids but he took it very personally and wouldn’t really listen to what I was saying. Thing is that I know he loves me so much and is desperate for things to work but I know they can’t and this is the only way I know he won’t fight for me

OP posts:
PrimeraVez · 20/08/2021 15:27

Is there no way that you can continue the relationship but just not be involved with his DC? Eg when he takes them on holiday, you don’t go etc? So you keep that side of your lives separate and you just accept that there will be times when he is with them and not available to you?

I think you can date someone with kids without being required or obliged to take on a step mother role?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:29

@PrimeraVez yes we’ve done that for most of the 3 years and it’s what I want. But he wants more

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 20/08/2021 15:29

I know for a fact l don't want to parent any other children except my own , who are much older now., And l haven't ever wanted anyone else to try and parent mine. l just don't know how blended families do it.
I would imagine it must be really hard if your kids are older to have to go back to a different stage of parenting again.
It's a shame it didn't work.out, but you have to be honest, no point in pretending.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:29

@Bookaholic73 I want him - but not his kids. See - I’m horrible

OP posts:
vixeyann · 20/08/2021 15:30

I don't think you are terrible at all. You have done your bringing up young children and I definitely wouldn't want to do it all again with kids that weren't my own. It will hurt but I think you know it's the right decision for you x

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:32

[quote toobusytothink]@Bookaholic73 I want him - but not his kids. See - I’m horrible[/quote]
You’re not horrible.

What would be horrible is continuing with a relationship that wasn’t going to work for the people involved. You’re doing the right and sensible thing. Must still be painful though.

BlusteryLake · 20/08/2021 15:32

It seems like just very unfortunate timing. You are not in that phase of your life any more. I think you have both done the best thing for everyone, and probably avoided years of miserable adults and miserable children.

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:32

[quote toobusytothink]@Bookaholic73 I want him - but not his kids. See - I’m horrible[/quote]
No you're really not horrible. It's fine to not want to take on someone else's kids and you've done the right thing not dragging it out for years trying to make it work.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/08/2021 15:33

You're not horrible

I ended a relationship partly because of mealtimes with his kids - every single time was murder, I used to dread it. My DS was the same age as his DD and he was a dream in comparison which only emphasised her behaviour (and more importantly her fathers poor handling of it)

Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 15:34

[quote toobusytothink]@Bookaholic73 I want him - but not his kids. See - I’m horrible[/quote]
You are definitely NOT horrible. Not at all.
You just don’t want to go back to having young children around. Nothing wrong with that.
Please don’t beat yourself up.

If I had my time again, I wouldn’t have fallen for a man with young kids either.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:34

Well he’s just started messaging me and being nasty so it’s making it easier at the moment.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:34

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor
My kids are a nightmare at mealtimes. I find it such a struggle and I imagine if they weren’t my own children I could feel quite resentful.

WB205020 · 20/08/2021 15:35

@toobusytothink
Im not normally one to bring things like this up but you say you were expected to play cars in the sand.....be completely honest, how much were you doing with / for his kids vs him on this recent trip?

I only as as his kids are so much younger it stands to reason they will be more demanding your time. Because of that when it came to looking after and playing with his kids he shoud have been doing 75%+ of it not 5050, if that makes sense. Thats why i ask.....were you expected to do a lot of playing with his kids?

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:35

@toobusytothink

Well he’s just started messaging me and being nasty so it’s making it easier at the moment.
Oh no! Just block his number if he’s getting abusive.
Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 15:35

@toobusytothink

Well he’s just started messaging me and being nasty so it’s making it easier at the moment.
They always show their true colours when the relationship is over.
CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:35

@toobusytothink

Well he’s just started messaging me and being nasty so it’s making it easier at the moment.
Oh dear. He'll calm down. Have you managed to sort out belongings etc?
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:35

Problem is that I really have fallen for him! 3 bloody years. In my mid 40s and I really thought I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with

OP posts:
Duetorain · 20/08/2021 15:36

No-ones fault and good to end things now. You are at a different stage. So good to see at this stage when you don’t live together.

Hope that his D.C. aren’t too attached to you as you have got a stage of holidays together I presume you have had some involvement in their lives. If he asks anything in terms of explaining it is not their fault do do that.

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:36

Well I hope he calms down anyway. If not then make sure there's someone there if he has to collect things.

HunkyPunk · 20/08/2021 15:37

[quote toobusytothink]@HunkyPunk I agree - I tried to tell him it was the age not the kids but he took it very personally and wouldn’t really listen to what I was saying. Thing is that I know he loves me so much and is desperate for things to work but I know they can’t and this is the only way I know he won’t fight for me[/quote]
I suppose it's always going to be difficult to tolerate any criticism of our own children, whether actual or perceived. I guess we're all the same and are bound to take it personally.

A sad and intractable situation, from the sound of it. Flowers

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 15:37

It is sad to have taken a dislike to such young children. Were they badly behaved or rude to you. If so thats down to the parents. Expdcted tp play when you wanted to read. He did the right thing ending it.

JanisJ · 20/08/2021 15:37

Are they actually poorly behaved or is it just their age?

I can't bear bad behaviour at mealtimes.