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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
Robin233 · 24/08/2021 17:58

reticFanjo

Whatinthelord
My feeling is that as op hasn’t come back they’re probably back together and deciding how to move forward together.
Hope so smile

All the best OP, I hope you find a solution that works for you flowers

^^^
Me too . Good luck FlowersFlowers

Audit · 24/08/2021 18:18

Or gone back for a goodbye shag.

Nowt wrong with that, especially if it's a long one.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2021 20:35

Why's it always the women's fault ? Why do I never hear on here "he doesn't need to date a women if he has children" like some how she's conned him into dating her by holding a gun to his head.

It's not about being the woman's fault...it would be the same of a childfree man has an issue with a single mum with kids.

Whoever doesn't have the kids is at 'fault' for being with a parent, if they find the kids are a problem for them.

Although the parent is equally at fault if they stay with someone who has a problem with their child.

SandyY2K · 24/08/2021 20:40

We only have EVERY OP's word for anything. confused What's your point? That NO OP on this site can ever be taken at face value?

Absolutely.
Except when a man posts, aboit his wife....the SM, his word is questioned.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 24/08/2021 22:19

Thank you to everyone for your advice/comments. So ….
The 50:50 thing was a complete irrelevance and nothing to do with me and him. It was actually his parents who were trying to persuade him to give up the fight. Just to clarify - he used to do 50:50 and was doing when I met him. For some reason a few months ago, his ex said it wasn’t happening anymore and for reasons I’m not going to go into, he had to let her have her way. But he has been trying to get it back ever since and I have been supporting his decision to do do, even if it means we will revert to seeing each other only 7 nights out of 24 rather than the current 9. He was doing 50:50 before I met him and for the first 2 years at least of our relationship, so not because he could see me taking on some of the childcare at all. I made it clear from day 1 that that would not happen.

With regards us …. We spoke about the holiday and how rubbish it was. He completely admitted that he needs to sort out his parenting skills - his parents had told him as much too. He said he was treading on eggshells the whole holiday and knew I didn’t like screaming etc so when they kicked off he did anything to stop it. He knows that’s a very bad long term tactic and is going to think about how to parent better. This will require some rules and he is going to talk to his ex to ensure consistency. Personally I think school will help too. He admitted he got very defensive about his kids but now knows it’s not his kids in particular I don’t like (although the younger one is tricky) but I don’t want to be a step mum. He says he already knew that and has no expectations of me taking on that role.

So in short, we agreed the holiday was too much and we won’t be doing it again … ever!!! We are going back to only seeing each other when he doesn’t have his kids which at the moment is 9 days a fortnight but hopefully will soon be 7. We are both happy with this and although he says he misses me when we’re not together he understands that this is the best thing for everyone, including his kids and my kids. If it has to be like this for the next 13 years then so be it - I’m happy being by myself and don’t think I’d be interested in looking for anyone else if I wasn’t with him so I’m going to enjoy the days I see him and enjoy my days with my kids (or by myself if they aren’t at home) when I don’t. And he is going to do the same. He is happy to explain to his kids why they aren’t coming over at weekends (they didn’t usually before anyway) and I’m sure they will be ok with it and not think “too busy hates us”.

Fingers crossed we get to live happily ever after in separate homes

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 24/08/2021 22:21

Ps the make up sex was indeed incredible. Especially with no kids around 😄

OP posts:
HollyGrail · 25/08/2021 07:29

So glad you got it sorted! Well done!

rainbowstardrops · 25/08/2021 07:32

Sounds like a great outcome!

Robin233 · 25/08/2021 07:45

Brilliant update op.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 10:55

Glad you've had such a fruitful discussion OP!

EmeraldShamrock · 25/08/2021 11:42

Great update. I'd have no interest in being a SDM either.
They have parents. Grin

Preech · 25/08/2021 11:53

That's a wonderful update and outcome. So glad you two were able to talk to each other. Thanks

Audit · 25/08/2021 14:12

@toobusytothink

Ps the make up sex was indeed incredible. Especially with no kids around 😄
Do you do diagrams, or are those only for parking threads?
Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/08/2021 15:38

😂😂😂 I wouldn’t know where to start

OP posts:
sassbott · 25/08/2021 20:43

Lovely update x

insidenumber5 · 25/08/2021 20:52

Can I just ask, how is he with your kids? Does he make much effort with them? Do stuff with you and them together? Make a positive contribution to their life? Or are discussions primarily about just his kids?

EmeraldShamrock · 25/08/2021 21:08

Can I just ask, how is he with your kids? Does he make much effort with them? Do stuff with you and them together? Make a positive contribution to their life?
Good question if OP wants to answer, I'd hope so considering he is there 9 days every fortnight.
Are your teenagers happy with him staying 18 nights a month?

Plumtree391 · 25/08/2021 22:42

I think you've got it right, op, just seeing him without his children and enjoying what you have, without looking for anything else. Hopefully your children won't be around or will at least be doing their own thing when he is with you, so they aren't inconvenienced in any way.

Plenty of people have extremely good, supportive relationships without living together and doing the whole 'family' thing. There's a lot about that which is attractive. However it may not last forever, he may genuinely want to settle down with someone so be prepared for that. In the meantime, have fun.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/08/2021 09:32

@insidenumber5 he is amazing with my kids. He told me he loves their company and that they are incredible and they have told me that they like it when he’s there: In fact my daughter told me she prefers it when he’s here because I’m happier. He’s been away with me and my 2 and we’ve had a great time. But we do fairly grown up things like paddle boarding and can go out to the pub and sit and chat for hours. Term time though tbf they are out of the door at 7 am and back at 8pm then pretty much head to rooms so he doesn’t see much of them 😄. Think that’s partly why he no doubt feels a bit crappy about my feelings towards being with his kids because he loves mine. But I have explained it’s just I don’t enjoy the activities that we end up doing when his are around rather than his kids themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/08/2021 09:44

Oh and out of those 18 days a month they are at their dad’s for 8

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 26/08/2021 12:51

Sounds like you've got it made right now, op. Enjoy while it lasts. His children are so much younger, they still need parents with whom to do 'activities'.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 26/08/2021 13:11

Absolutely they do! And he’s great at all that and enjoys it so everyone’s happy

OP posts:
Audit · 26/08/2021 17:20

He needs to also build his relationship with them. These next 10 years are so important for that. Once he gets the confidence that you are there for him when you are not there AND he can learn to focus on his separate relationships AND know that focus brings results he will become a much more rounded person. And I'm not talking about the Haribo effect.

thebugontherug · 26/08/2021 21:34

@toobusytothink

Ps the make up sex was indeed incredible. Especially with no kids around 😄
TMI
EmeraldShamrock · 26/08/2021 22:28

He sounds pretty selfish as a father.
E.O.W dad with little impact or control over his DC behaviour.
They'll get worse.