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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:12

@CabbagesGreen I know - but it was working so well… oh well, I guess it would still be an issue when my kids at uni - or worse - because then he’d move in and I would probably get annoyed with them then and it would end badly then …

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 20/08/2021 16:12

OP it seems your kids are a better judge of character than you are.

Also if you allowed him to move him when your kids were at uni they wouldn't have a home to come back to at Christmas, other holidays, or if they were in dire straits due to his children's poor behaviour.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:13

@RedMarauder true. And they’d feel pushed out or replaced I would imagine

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 16:14

@Ducksurprise

If he didn't put his kids before you he wouldn't be the person you thought he was. It's better to acknowledge your feelings now than keep lying to yourself. It's not easy now but it will be easier in the long run
With respect, given his nasty response, he's already not the person she thought he was. He's not a hero here.
Lu5332 · 20/08/2021 16:15

Credit to you for being honest with him about how you feel, I imagine plenty would try to bury and hide those feelings to spare his, only to press forward with the relationship and blend - which would be hugely unfair on the children and disastrous in the long run.

I read that he's now being nasty over text.. so it's not just the kids who've dodged a bullet then.

I'm sorry it came to this OP but it's clearly for the best.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 20/08/2021 16:15

[quote toobusytothink]@MyCatHatesEverybody thank you. Yes that definitely helps. They have always said that they really like him and prefer it when he is here as I’m happier. But that they don’t like it when the kids are here too. It isn’t often to be honest but they don’t like it. I always promised them we would never ever be a blended family and he would never move in until they were at uni. Think I was just naive to go on holiday. Just got carried away. And now it’s ruined everything[/quote]
Your DC might really like him, but tbh the vast majority of people can be very likeable given the right circumstances you live according to their needs and wishes.

Up till now you've been in a slightly extended honeymoon phase of your relationship where it's all the fun stuff - the minute you see him outside his comfort zone i.e. having to actually parent he's shown you his true colours loud and clear.

Lovemusic33 · 20/08/2021 16:17

It’s pretty hard to blend 2 families, it’s never going to be easy. I have tried it before and hated it, my kids were not happy (one was 11, the other 13) as his kids were younger and very annoying. I have been single for 5 years and don’t plan on ever having a relationship with someone with kids as it’s just so hard and impossible to keep everyone happy.

SkiingIsHeaven · 20/08/2021 16:17

Some people don't like their own kids so no shame in not liking someone else's.

Bagamoyo1 · 20/08/2021 16:17

It seems that this is partly a problem of your own making. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. His kids are adults, mine are secondary school age. We don’t live together. As it happens DP gets on with my kids so we go on holiday together etc, but if he didn’t, then it would be easy enough to have a perfectly fulfilling relationship without my kids being involved at all. It’s just a case of managing the time.

I assume you don’t really love him and were ready to move on anyway.

PhoenixFreesias · 20/08/2021 16:18

Best outcome really. So much better than if you struggled on or if you tried to edge out his kids.

You’re not a horrible person. I think probably when he’s calmed down he’ll realise that too.

You’re past the heavy lifting stage or while reading. He isn’t. Very, very different places in life.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:22

Yep - very very different stages of life. It’s always worried me and I always had a feeling at some point it would be a problem and I’ve tried talking to him before but it’s always just been brushed under the carpet and never really addressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:24

Now apparently he’s “ashamed” of the way I behaved with them… I admit once I took the dogs for a walk when they started kicking off but I’m sure they didn’t even notice

OP posts:
FlowersinJune · 20/08/2021 16:26

You are not a horrible person. It is far better you were honest then pretend it was ok.

frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 16:28

So your boyfriend wanted to send his DC off to do paddle boarding and stuff with your older DC.

Was he going along and helping his kids paddle board or was he expecting your DC to supervise?

When meal times turned into chaos how did he deal with it?

Honestly it sounds to me like he was hoping to palm the hard work of his kids to you and your older kids so he could step in and be fun playful dad. You stuck to your guns eg you’re not disciplining his DC (quite rightly).

So now he’s claiming you’re horrible.

You’re not. I don’t mind other peoples kids, I won’t discipline them or supervise them doing dangerous activities. I’m happy to be around them doing my thing whilst the parents parent.

You don’t sound horrible at all. He sounds like he doesn’t want the responsibility of parenting his DC.

Pack his stuff up and leave it by the door ready for him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 20/08/2021 16:28

Can you ask him to stop contacting you now about anything that isn't about getting his stuff? If he carries on, put his stuff outside and block him. I would also tell him that this is what you'll do if he continues abusing you in this way.

You've done the right thing and nobody has the right - or knowledge (other than you) - to comment on how much you loved him. I'm sorry for the way things have turned out but it really will be for the best. Brew

theleafandnotthetree · 20/08/2021 16:29

@toobusytothink

I know if his kids were older it wouldn’t be a problem. It really is just bad timing: I’m at the stage where I can start thinking about travelling and he’s getting excited about taking them to Disney
Well indeed. The phrase 'excited about taking them to Disney' alone would send me running for the hills.
frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 16:30

@toobusytothink

Now apparently he’s “ashamed” of the way I behaved with them… I admit once I took the dogs for a walk when they started kicking off but I’m sure they didn’t even notice
How is that any way shameful?

He sounds like a wannabe Disney dad. You scuppered his plans to take over the drudge work.

Well done you for recognising and valuing your boundaries and your limits.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:31

@theleafandnotthetree thank you. Just made me laugh for the first time

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 16:32

@frazzledasarock us going on holiday together - he got all the benefits and I got all the disadvantages I guess. We were just so desperate to be together we thought it would be ok: how naive and pathetic

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bigbaggyeyes · 20/08/2021 16:32

You're not horrible. I have teens, but there's no way I'd date a man with small children

PhoenixFreesias · 20/08/2021 16:34

Sounds like he’s a bit emotionally immature with all his shaming nonsense.

JanisJ · 20/08/2021 16:36

@RedMarauder

They wanted to go off swimming or paddle boarding and he couldn’t understand why his 2 couldn’t go with them

Hell no!

He doesn't like his own kids if he wants teenagers, whom he doesn't know the capabilities, to look after his kids in water.

He's daft is he thinks 2 teenagers want to babysit a 5 and 7 year old.
saraclara · 20/08/2021 16:36

[quote toobusytothink]@ravenmum yes it’s not personal. It really is small kids in general. It’s just not enjoyable for me unfortunately[/quote]
Then you really need to make it clear to him that it's NOT that you don't like his kids.

Jeeze, we'd all be agonised if the love of our lives said they didn't like our kids. We'd be bound to take it personally because our kids mean everything to us.

It sounds like you got the language entirely wrong in your conversation about this. Just like you did in the thread title.

Yes, you need to split up, but you don't have to make him feel so shit and hurt so much by telling him you find his kids dislikeable, rather than saying that the holiday made you realise that you can't go through the younger child stage again..

Frodogo · 20/08/2021 16:37

Going to walk the dogs while he dealt with his misbehaving children is shameful? What did he expect you to do? Stay and watch? You're not their parent. If I were in the children's place, I wouldn't want another non-parent adult watching as I was scolded or whatever. It's embarrassing, even as a child.

rwalker · 20/08/2021 16:37

You can't be arsed with the small kids thing again . It's not his kids it would be any kids