Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 23 24

Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 15:10

You're not horrible. There's no point carrying on if it's not working that's not fair on anyone.

lunar1 · 20/08/2021 15:11

You can't like every child, it's not your fault. Better to tell him now rather than end up living together and trying to fake it. These things really aren't anyone's fault.

Tealwarrior · 20/08/2021 15:12

Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things

So he picked up on you not liking his children and said there’s no point going forward if you don’t like them?

What did the children do to earn your dislike of them and is it possible that you’re the one with the problem?

Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 15:12

You can't help how you feel. Maybe it's more about the responsibility of his kids rather than the kids themselves? If you had any notion of moving in with him then the holiday gave a glimpse of what life might be like with his kids around. I'd say you're as we'll off out of it considering another poster is about to divorce her Dh because she's been left raising his kids while he works all hours and she's had enough. You never know what could happen with your partners ex and you need to factor in the possibility that he might have them full time at some point. Personally I would never enter a relationship with a man who has young kids and likewise I wouldn't ever want to have a partner while my youngest is still at home. It doesn't seem worth the hassle, navigating relationships and sacrifices it all entails.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:14

Thank you. I sound like a spoilt brat but I just wish they were older. In my heart of hearts I guess I’ve always known I didn’t want to play step mum to young kids but just kept thinking it would be ok. I honestly have never been as in love as I am with him. Completely gutted

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 20/08/2021 15:14

You're not a horrible person. You did what you had to do because of how you felt. There was no point in carrying on if that's how you felt.. It wouldn't ever work. You did the right thing. Don't be hard on yourself x

Xmasbaby11 · 20/08/2021 15:15

If you can't see it working you're right to call it a day. Why do you dislike them? Are they very badly behaved?

Magda72 · 20/08/2021 15:15

@toobusytothink you're not horrible. I felt the same about my exdp's dc. I beat myself up for years trying to be 'the adult' & 'the bigger person' but as they got older nothing changed. You can't like every child & there are children you can't click with no matter how hard you try. Sometimes it's just a personality clash but more often than that it's that they're being parenting in a way that is incompatible to your values.
You have done the right thing as has your exdp & believe me it will get easier.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:16

@Tealwarrior absolutely accept it’s my problem. It’s not them at all. They are young and deserve someone who wants to be around them. Think it’s just because I’ve been there and done that and the thought of doing soft play and farms and fussy eating I thought was behind me

OP posts:

HunkyPunk · 20/08/2021 15:16

Is that the longest time you had spent with them? A holiday is probably not the best situation to try and get to know them better. It's often difficult with your own kids on holiday, especially with a range of ages you're trying to keep happy, without the assistance of a familiar routine, favourite toys, programmes etc.

Was there anything in particular which grated?

RedMarauder · 20/08/2021 15:16

I sound like a spoilt brat but I just wish they were older.

OK so now you know you can't go out with anyone long term who has kids who aren't at least teens. Nothing wrong with that.

Tealwarrior · 20/08/2021 15:17

@toobusytothink

So it’s not that you don’t like the children?

It’s that you’re at a stage in life where you’ve passed all that goes with having young children around?

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:17

It sounds like the best outcome for everyone.
It must be painful but it’s best that everyone is honest and make the right decision for the children involved.

Borisjohnsonshairbrush · 20/08/2021 15:18

if it makes you feel better, at the moment I dislike my 15 year old DSS, he is grumpy, rude, lazy doesn't get out of bed for the 3 days a week he is here. And he smells. Absolutely not a fan of him at this age

Used to love him to bits when he was 8-13.

It can get better op? xx

Hypnoshiding · 20/08/2021 15:19

You aren't a horrible person. I think k it would have been better if you had, had a proper converstation rather, that just not denying it and telling him to end it.

But, however, it ended its the right thing. He could spot you didn't like them. They will pick up on it too.

I, also couldn't be a step mother to young kids. Mine are 11 and 17. I don't want to go back to younger kids. So I get it.

I also think that sometimes people take things too slow. I definitely think k people shouldn't rush to introduce kids. But also waiting too long can make it harder.

If you don't like the kids walking away after 3 years is harder than walking away after 6 - 12 months.

I am sorry, you are hurting. But in the long run, this is less pain. Being an unhappy step mother isn't going to be good for any of you.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:19

Youngest is very hard work - lots of tantrums and yes also different parenting style I think. Older one is lovely and polite. I know I’ve done the right thing (or he has). At least I guess now i know for when I’m ready to date again …… for now I’m going to try and enjoy selfish me time

OP posts:

Tealwarrior · 20/08/2021 15:19

Sorry Op, we cross posted.

It makes more sense now.

He’s a good man to be putting his children first and you were brave to be so honest.

Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 15:20

You aren’t a horrible person at all.
My DC are 21 and 17, my step kids are 9 and 11. I hate the hassle that having younger kids around brings.

Good for you for finding what’s not working.

If I have another relationship, it’ll be with a man who doesn’t have kids, or has grown up kids.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:21

My teenage daughter knew I was struggling on holiday and she even told me it will get easier as they get older. But it’s a long long time to cling on

OP posts:

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:22

Meal times were the hardest as one of them really fussy and it ruined every meal time! My kids hated sitting down to meals

OP posts:

HunkyPunk · 20/08/2021 15:23

Why did you make your b/f think you didn't like his children? That must have been very hurtful. It could have been the start of a conversation where you explained that it was their age which was the problem. not them, and you didn't think you'd be comfortable with going back to a stage in parenting which you are now beyond.

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 15:24

@toobusytothink

My teenage daughter knew I was struggling on holiday and she even told me it will get easier as they get older. But it’s a long long time to cling on

Yes you’re looking at a good 10 years. I’m not sure putting more years into a situation that won’t work is helpful for anyone.

sounds like your partner had quite an emotional response to you sharing your feelings about his children too. So I imagine it could be hard for him to carry on a relationship knowing your feelings too.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:24

Also the fact that I was expected to play cars in the sand and all I wanted to do was read… I know it probably wasn’t very sensible all going away together. Guess I just got excited about our future and had high hopes

OP posts:

BeauxRingarde · 20/08/2021 15:25

You're not a horrible person....if only everyone else who had these issues did the same thing, there would be a lot of happier children.

ThuMuClu · 20/08/2021 15:26

DP and I both have 3 kids and my youngest is the same age as his oldest. I would never again date anyone with children younger than mine. I just can’t do the little kid stuff anymore.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 23 24