Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 23 24

Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:

PoachedPair · 20/08/2021 16:38

[quote toobusytothink]@Tealwarrior absolutely accept it’s my problem. It’s not them at all. They are young and deserve someone who wants to be around them. Think it’s just because I’ve been there and done that and the thought of doing soft play and farms and fussy eating I thought was behind me[/quote]
I totally get you on that one OP

Subbaxeo · 20/08/2021 16:40

@aSofaNearYou I’m an experienced step parent as is my dh and am well aware our children aren’t an extension of us. However I would be nonplussed if he had suddenly said after 3 years it’s not right because of children if he had been meeting them for a year. Blended family is a set of compromises and dealing with difference in parenting style is par for the course. We decided to live apart until our children were at uni as we didn’t want to disrupt their lives. But we went on holiday and socialised. I do think the OP can end the relationship anytime but it’s understandable her ex dp is upset about it. Maybe it was a mistake to holiday with teens and young kids as they would have totally different interests-hard enough when part of the same family never mind blending. Ultimately she didn’t want to take them on as a package-and she’s perfectly entitled to do that but surely she must know there would be fallout. I wonder what the response would have been of it was the OP who had young kids who come on here to say her partner of 3 years who professed his strong love for her said he couldn’t cope after a holiday. She would probably be told what a bastard he is. Things are very black and white in munsnetland sometimes.

Dentistlakes · 20/08/2021 16:41

Sounds like the best outcome for everyone, especially his kids.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2021 16:41

Honestly, there is nothing 'wrong' with you and you are not 'horrible'.

It's a natural thing that women generally reach the end of 'broodiness' once our DC become independent and require less care. Our lives begin to 're-expand' and we start to enjoy our freedom, just as our DC begin to enjoy theirs and the last thing we'd seriously want is to 'start over'. And if we aren't broody for another child of our own, why on earth would we be content to 'start over' with someone else's?

Why on earth would you want to have any of the issues (even minimal involvement) inherent with young children when yours are independent teens? Even the best behaved children are time consuming, activity-restricting, and require 'oversight'. I'd rather chew glass at this stage in life. But I think the problem is that you phrased it as 'didn't like' the children rather than 'didn't like' the restrictions and responsibilities involved.

IMHO he's getting nasty because he sees he's lost a prospective 'co-parent' to take some of the load off. Or at least share the burden. He's way out of line. I'd bag his shit, text him that it's on the porch and then block him. I sure as hell wouldn't vacate my own home just because he didn't want to see my face.

I made a decision in my 20s that I would never date a man with children because of the inherent problems involved with that situation. In future I suggest you either do the same or 'restrict' it to children your own DC's ages or older. Although that's still no guarantee. I have a friend who's 'companion's' adult children cause more problems than a 3 year old ever would.

EL8888 · 20/08/2021 16:43

It’s hard but it sounds like it’s for the best. Little kids are hard work even when they are your own, never mind someone else’s. Especially since you have done that phase once. Hmm sounds like he should be ashamed about their whining and kicking off

Weirdlynormal · 20/08/2021 16:43

I hate badly behaved children, which means I hate most children these days. Leave and don't look back, sod that.

HereticFanjo · 20/08/2021 16:43

I would have said have an honest conversation about continuing a relationship until your updates. Now I'd be blocking him. Don't let him shame you. You've been honest with him.

EL8888 · 20/08/2021 16:44

@AcrossthePond55 same l don’t date people with young children, they at least need to be past the university phase

ballsdeep · 20/08/2021 16:48

Sunnyfreezesushi · 20/08/2021 16:49

My friend is the same - she has two
lovely bookish teenage girls who are easy and draw/chat/independent/no trouble at all and met a great man with 2 young kids. He is great but she just can’t go back there again, it is also tedious for your own children.
I have 4 of my own, 2 older and 2 still
“difficult” aka normal/high maintenance younger children so I can totally understand why you don’t want to go back to all that. It is bloody hard work. But younger children give the best cuddles when they are your own…

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 16:50

I wonder what the response would have been of it was the OP who had young kids who come on here to say her partner of 3 years who professed his strong love for her said he couldn’t cope after a holiday. She would probably be told what a bastard he is. Things are very black and white in munsnetland sometimes.

Why would he be a bastard in that scenario? I see no reason to think that at all. Where is the cut off point where it becomes unacceptable for being around a person's difficult children to become too much? Personally I think it's on the parent to accept that possibility.

fuckoffImcounting · 20/08/2021 16:51

He is angry because he was grooming you to be nanny to his kids and do the wife work for him. That is why he wanted more in the relationship. Can't see why you were having to play with his kids on the beach - he can do his own parenting - but he does not want to - now he is mad as hell because you got away.

theleafandnotthetree · 20/08/2021 16:53

Not the same thing I know but I know a few women with younger children who seem a bit miffed that those of us with older children are indifferent enough or even slightly allergic to their children. They are often the same types who tell us how lucky we are to be able to have more freedom, relax more on holidays etc, sometimes in an almost resentful way. Perhaps a factor with this chap too? What they and perhaps he can't seem to grasp is that we did the hard years already, the playgrounds, the stressful meals out, the screeching, etc. We too once looked in envy at those with older children. Most of us categotically do not want to do it again or even be around it again, that doesn't make us bad people. We've just moved on to a different and hard one stage of life

AuntLydiasNewHairdo · 20/08/2021 16:55

What fuckoffimcounting said.

kirinm · 20/08/2021 16:55

I think you've done the right thing. This forum is full of unhappy step parents with step kids they don't like and it clearly isn't good for mental health. It is the right decision even if it hurts at the moment.

I have to be honest, if my partner told me he didn't like my DS, then I'd not want to be with him either. I couldn't have a relationship where the two relationships are constantly separate.

pickingdaisies · 20/08/2021 16:59

I think he was hoping you'd throw yourself at his feet and beg for another chance to look after his kids/get your kids to look after his kids. That's why he's kicking off now, you've taken the wind right out of his sails.

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 20/08/2021 17:02

You get past the small person phase and start enjoying all the things and places you can go when they get older.
It does sound like he was setting you up to do the drudge work (you’ve done it, just do it again) and take the pressure off him. Also pushing some of it onto your children too.
Of course he’s furious. He’s back to having full responsibility again, I don’t imagine that’s how he thought it was going to pan out at all.

MzHz · 20/08/2021 17:03

[quote toobusytothink]@PrimeraVez yes we’ve done that for most of the 3 years and it’s what I want. But he wants more[/quote]
So he wants you to parent them? But he’s the parent

He needs to play cars, he needs to sort out the torturous meal times (your poor dc!)

He should have taken them for tea early and let you and your dc eat later

That age of kids on holiday IS hard! It’s exhausting! I was utterly drained after a week in Majorca with my 5yo ds, and he’s an angel!

your boyfriend should have read the room.

Now he’s being nasty, for whatever reason you are best off out of it

And you’re not at all horrible

kirinm · 20/08/2021 17:03

God, the amount of bollocks some people on this step-parenting thread read into situations. Suddenly the ex is Mr Bad Guy when actually, he's just upset his girlfriend hates his kids. She hasn't bothered explaining that actually it isn't specifically HIS kids.

He has got defensive because they are HIS kids who he loves and he likely feels rejection either on their part or his own. That isn't abnormal. It seems step parents find that abnormal.

Why is every person on here insistent that dads are always trying to palm kids off on step mums. It happens on every single thread. Even this one where the OP actually said he was playing with his kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/08/2021 17:04

@ballsdeep
That’s unfair. Op said she is happy with the status quo and promised her dcs she wouldn’t blend her family with his. He is aware of the situation. Just because op said his kids deserve someone, who wants to be around them, that’s not on her, it’s on him, for trying to force her to move the goal posts.

Cameleongirl · 20/08/2021 17:04

Honestly it sounds to me like he was hoping to palm the hard work of his kids to you and your older kids so he could step in and be fun playful dad. You stuck to your guns eg you’re not disciplining his DC (quite rightly).

This ^^. It's not your job and certainly not your children's to entertain and discipline his children. He's the one who made the holiday difficult, not you. I'm sorry you're so upset, but you've seen his true parenting colours now (Disney Dad) and it's not what you want in a partner. It's less about his young children and more about his parenting, tbh.

pickingdaisies · 20/08/2021 17:05

ballsdeep maybe it took a holiday for her to realise just how incompatible the two families were. Especially since he was evading the issue and pushing for a closer relationship.
She loved him, so don't be an arse.

pickingdaisies · 20/08/2021 17:08

@kirinm she did try to tell him just that. He just wasn't listening. And I suspect he got defensive because his kids' behaviour is basically down to his crap parenting

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/08/2021 17:08

Your op reads as though he’s thrown a massive tantrum. You should have told his children off. You should have stayed while they were kicking off. Your teens should have baby sat his kids so they could participate in what would be for them a futile and dangerous water activity etc. Now he’s kicking off because the electrical appliance (ie you) he spent 3 years of his life on is broken.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 17:08

MN double standards yet again. If this was the man making these comments about small children he would be set upon. But because its the woman its ok.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 23 24