DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

[quote percypenguins]@MzHz Thank you, that's exactly the way I think too.

I had a message from him yesterday to say that he is working this Saturday (DD is due at his this weekend), so he can't take her to her extra curricular activity in the morning and I will have too. I actually have plans which I now either have to cancel so DD can still play in the match, or not cancel and she misses out. I'm so fed up of someone else's actions impacting on me! [/quote]
Can she hitch a lift with one of the other members of the team? Or lift share?

Think that she shouldn’t bother going over to his at all this weekend then, no bloody point going over to spend time with his wife a s her kids, she’s wanting to see him!

Unless she starts taking this tone, he’s never going to get it, is he?

Also, if you speak to her about it, assuming she wants to do her activity and you find a way of covering it, seeing as her dad is now not only unavailable for contact but now unavailable to provide the recommend care she could do with, but then if he’s working, is there any point to her going over at all? Perhaps she just pop over for a few hours on Sunday?

Would that suit her better?

Bugger what her dad thinks, this is contact for her.

I’m supposedly a step mum and tbh I’d understand your dd point of view, I really hate the way that your exes partner is trying to guilt your dd into going over to basically entertain this (annoying) 8yo.

Especially as her dad isn’t there!

How annoying at the short notice. Maybe contact needs to start late afternoon/early evening on Saturdays after step sister's activity? There's no point in your dd visiting if Dad isn't there and watching the activity is even more pointless. Dinner and stuff like the dog walk sounds fine. Even babysitting while they do the food shop (if dd is ok with that) sounds acceptable but time for dd to evaluate how to balance things better

@AllTheSingleLadiess My ex makes DD go along and watch her step sisters activity the weekends she is there.

Ive cancelled my plans for Saturday and will take DD to her sport. She's said she wants to stay at home tomorrow night, I'll take her to her sport and then she'll go to her Dads Saturday late afternoon. I'm upset I've had to cancel my plans but I can't let DD miss out on playing in her match.

Does your daughter want to go to her dads afterwards?

My ex makes DD go along and watch her step sisters activity the weekends she is there.

Does the stepson go too? And her DM? Does your ex make conversation with DD while they're stood around watching? Or does he give her a notebook to keep notes on the 8yr olds progress and what she needs to work on to improve and be captain of the team!

@kaleidoscopeheartless She doesn't seem to fussed to be honest, said can she just go for the afternoon on Sunday instead!

[quote percypenguins]@kaleidoscopeheartless She doesn't seem to fussed to be honest, said can she just go for the afternoon on Sunday instead! [/quote]
Then don't push her to go. If he wanted her, he'd make more of an effort. Honestly this is all so like the position between DS and his Dad, his Dad never really overly bothered, expected DS to always fit in around his younger siblings (but never them around him, funnily enough ) so I listened when he started saying couldn't he just go for the day etc.
I do encourage him to see his Dad - occasionally ask when he's next seeing him etc - but I don't get too involved

Tell your ex he can pick DD up Sunday afternoon, he needs to make some bloody effort.

@SpaceshiptoMars Step brother doesn't go, step mum does. The last few times they've gone my ex has made DD buy her own drinks whilst she's there! (she has a debit card).

Ah. So she's part of the family when it suits them but not the rest of the time (when they need to take her places or buy stuff for her).

I really wouldn't be pushing your DD to prioritise this relationship. Her father clearly doesn't prioritise her.

Step brother doesn't go, step mum does

So it's not a family outing then, is it?
In that case your daughter is perfectly at liberty to refuse to go also.

What a truly toxic dynamic being taught there.

She’s going to vote with her feet pretty soon I think.

He makes HER pay for drinks when she’s with him. Who puts that money in her account? Please don’t tell me it’s you op? Not only are you doing all the heavy lifting and the day to day stuff, are you also paying for her to have a drink on her time with her dad?

And she has to go and watch this clingy 8yo with the 8yo’s mum and her dad isn’t there either?

What a prince among men!

He’s showing her what a really crap boyfriend/husband looks like.

@MzHz Yes it's me! I put a little money in there for her if she's done well at school, or for birthdays, Christmas etc.

What a horrible 'dad'. Can't even treat his daughter to a bloody drink when she is forced to go and watch stepsister taking part in an activity (yawn). I am sure she doesn't want to be there anyway, and even the child's own brother doesn't have to go?

At 16 I think she can do as she likes, when's her birthday? In the meantime I would support her going over far less often. He can't make an effort for his daughter, why should she bother?

Your poor DD.

Tell her to stop taking her debit card with her!

@RandomMess I have now after she told me that!

I am utterly fuming on your and her behalf!

They want your DD to pay to look after her step sister it's all about what makes their life easier/better.

No doubt he hasn't increased maintenance due to all this additional warning on a Saturday either 🤬

Dear me. Short arms, deep pockets.

OK, I'm beginning to get a hazy sense of distorted logic here:

1. It's for the wimminfolk to bond, innit? (Your ex)

2. As DD is shaping up to be a bit of a sportsperson, he thinks/SM thinks there's hope of getting a real bond there between the 2 girls. Pretty difficult to achieve, given the age gap, but give credit, I think that is what SM is trying to do. She's hoping DD will see herself as a kind of mentor to her daughter. Whatever you/we think of this turgid setup, DD will presumably go to their big occasions long into the future, and this gives her a role. I am guessing there is close to zero connection between SS and SD, so they are trying to give SD some kind of family for the future.

Just reading through your posts and your dd's dad comes across as worse and worse! He likes his child-free weekends, chooses to work when dd is there and doesn't appear interested in facilitating any one to one time with her. How crap for your poor dd. At first I was tending towards thinking that sharing a room with an annoying younger (step)sibling a couple of nights a month wasn't too bad and I would encourage your dd to keep going with the arrangement and just see it as part of family life, but clearly he isn't making any effort to meet her needs, so why should she 'suck it up'?

If she's an introvert then weekends are when she recharges, after a week at school she doesn't want to be dealing with this bullshit. I would support her in doing what she's happy with, and if that means no more overnights for now then so be it. It would be a shame if the relationship with her dad dwindles completely but ultimately it's his fault for treating her like an afterthought. Maybe she could go there for Sunday lunch or for dinner on a weeknight but otherwise it sounds like she's telling you she's done with the current arrangement and needs her own home and routine, which is fair enough, even more so if she may be on the spectrum.

Oh wow, I missed the last couple of posts where you say she has to pay for her own drinks when with him?! Unbelievable. I'd be giving him a piece of my mind I think.

Oh my word. I thought (hoped) I was wrong!

But of course it was you putting money in, as it was when my ds was little….

“Father of the Year” refused to pay me anything for him, would pay late or skip, I’d have to ask for the money. Every Fucking Time.

So I told him to stick it. I was poor but I’m not degrading myself to beg him for the money he’s supposed to send to care for his son.

I told him to send it to his son directly so he can see for himself just what a loser his dad is when he fucks about with the money

The fucker has never since missed a single payment.

Son doesn’t even have any contact with the prick let alone needing to beg…

It’s better that way I suppose, and ds can buy a lot of things for himself, is saving up for a moped etc etc, and I’m getting him to chip in for the boring stuff I cover like school transport etc.

Your ex is a right twat. I’d be fuming

Please tel me he pays child maintenance for her?

@MzHz Yes 150 a month. Never contributed to things like school uniform, trips or her sports kit for the team she plays on though.