DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

I wouldn't make her go.
Her dad wants everything his own way - family time and child free time when it suits him and is unwilling to change this for the benefit of his daughter, who is unhappy. He doesn't deserve to have her stay, since he's unwilling to make any compromise for her.
It's all very well him saying that they are a family and she has to get on with it, but that's not true. The step sister etc isnt dd's family, she didn't choose this arrangement and she doesn't have to just suck it up.
I'd tell my ex to piss off. That I won't be forcing my child to stay and if he wants her to then he has to make it more comfortable for her and not dump the 8 year old on her.
I do feel for the 8 yr old though - she probably loves having your DD stay. But it's not your child's responsibility to just slot in and be bugged all weekend by her father's step child.

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
Well then that's the issue.

He wants to switch on and off when he's a parent.

He wants weekends free of being one.

That just doesn't happen when you have children and in families where there is t a step parent or parents aren't separated they have to parent week in week out without the children being elsewhere.

If he's not willing to put her first then he has to accept he's damaging the relationship. He's the one making it not work.

P

I totally agree @itsgettingwierd , her Dad needs to sort this out. Sadly I've now seen first hand what happens when Dads don't deal with issues etc, DS barely see's his Dad now he has a say over it. I knew it would end up like this, DS's needs and wants were never a priority to his Dad, who just assumed DS would always continue to see him whatever.

I don't get why her dad isn't freeing up a bit more time when she's there. I'm all against the red carpet for contact weekends but the contact weekend is for DSD's benefit not her dads.

He should at least free up Saturday afternoon to spend with her. DH and I go to the supermarket after work during the week if we need/want to so that we don't take up his weekend time with DSS.

He sounds really selfish if I'm honest

As far as the parents are concerned they are one big family and are clueless that imposing their wants into all the DC doesn't work. If they all lived together 24/7 they would have to deal with the 8 year old imposing on the 15 year old.

He sounds like a selfish jerk who can't really be bothered

I actually think it's important to teach young women they don't have to pander to men like this

Yes it would be a shame if their relationship declined but that would be on him. We are so conditioned to take on 100% responsibility for relationships, it's not right

In practical sorting it out terms I think that a) you need to support your daughter and b) need to empower her as much as possible.
So I'd start by talking to her and really listening - what does she want? Not to go at all, to go but not sleep over, to go but only when she can have one to one time with her dad, to meet him somewhere else?
Then you could either talk to him or email him to explain, maybe starting with the fact she is getting older and what used to work no longer does. Make it very clear that you will not force her to go, and that she is old enough to choose
Or you could meet with him, and your daughter, with you supporting her
Or you could help her write to him

It sounds as if they have got used to her acting as a babysitter for her step sister and the whole thing is set up to work for them as a couple, I don't see your daughter being centred at all by them.
At the end of the day if he's being a selfish arse she doesn't have to go

I would be interested to know if the step brother is forced along to do all this family stuff or he gets the option to stay at home and do as he pleases?

I'm getting the impression that Dad may also be struggling with neurodiversity. His wife could be arranging everything around his tendencies to avoid 1-1 with her children too. So - he can handle being in the same room with everyone as long as the TV is on (and everyone shuts up!), everyone is eating etc, or they are watching a child play sport and deeper interaction is not required.

If DD leaves at 3pm and not 8pm, she has maybe missed the main meal of the weekend? Something specially bought with her in mind? SM may be doing what she can here, but is up against it as you were when married to him!

@RandomMess

I would be interested to know if the step brother is forced along to do all this family stuff or he gets the option to stay at home and do as he pleases?

OP said he's in his room on a console or goes out with his friends

I think at 15 it's important to keep contact with her dad - obviously - but also that she shouldn't be pushed into staying overnight or being there the whole weekend if she doesn't want to.

She could still go round for the day on Saturday and go round for dinner a couple of times a week as you live so close. I think that's a good compromise and hopefully it would make her feel better to know she's able to come back home to yours at the end of the evening.

PS. Realistically at 15, would DD even want to spend the whole weekend at her dad's even if they did switch it to the other one so there were no other kids around? I wouldn't have wanted to at that age.

Your dd already gave her dad different options for contact and he said he didn’t want to. So it’s fine for her to say the same. Why should she pander more to her dad than vice versa?

My DD is not bothered by her step siblings. I make sure on contact time with them I have alone time with her and thus DH has alone time with his DC. I cannot force my DD to like children even though they are pleasant kids and now respect her boundaries but my DD just likes her own space and didn't ask for this family and so we ensure she doesn't get forced into anything she doesn't want to be involved with. He needs to tailor time with DD or he will lose her.

God the kids weekend with her dad sounded boring!

I’d get her to tell him that she’s happy to come and see him on weekends when the others are with their dad so she doesn’t have to share a room, or he can see her somewhere neutral during the week

After speaking to DD I said to my ex that she'd be happy if he picked her up at the weekend and took her out for lunch or the cinema etc, instead of her staying the whole weekend. He said that he can't usually do that due to lack of money, or work, or the fact that her step sister / step mum want to see her.

Seems like he's full of excuses. If he carries on like this, she'll just stop wanting to go there at all.

So her Dad has been with his new wife for 7 years which means your DD has known the SD for all of her life and no doubt the SD sees her as a big sister.

I think I'd be telling DD to suck it up too.

[quote percypenguins]@SpaceshiptoMars I don't know about every weekend, but the last one DD was there -

Saturday- Her Dad went to work in the morning, afternoon they all went to watch her step sister do an activity, evening they watched a film at home

Sunday - Her Dad and his wife went food shopping in the morning, they all took dog for a walk in the afternoon, then DD came home at 3 [/quote]
Sounds fine to me. Except he shouldn't be working and dumping her on step mum to look after. Did she have a lie in on Sunday or not want to go shopping maybe?

I'm assuming she was given a choice of whether or not to go and see her stepsister. If not that's a really dull activity for anyone.

@Ozanj

Your dd already gave her dad different options for contact and he said he didn’t want to. So it’s fine for her to say the same. Why should she pander more to her dad than vice versa?

This. Teach her how to talk to people. ‘I already said I’d prefer to see you for dinner, you said no, so I’ll see you some other time’ in a breezy tone. Tell your ex that you absolutely will not force your child to do anything, and contact is between him and your child to arrange, please don’t message me about your issue again, thanks.

@kirinm

So her Dad has been with his new wife for 7 years which means your DD has known the SD for all of her life and no doubt the SD sees her as a big sister.

I think I'd be telling DD to suck it up too.

No.

As someone who has step-siblings who are older this is completely not on.

As a child of 8 you are are aware of your relationship with them.

In addition you also need to learn that if you behave like a brat people around you who have a choice -this includes extended family members like step-siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins - will take steps not to be around you regardless of if they are your age or much older.

If her Dad works Saturdays, does he have a day off in the week to spend with her during the simmer holidays? A dog walk for just the two of them would be free.

PPs are right, he is selfish for not even considering swapping weekends, and he will reap what he has sown if it affects their relationship.

@GeorgeMichaelBluth He doesn't work every Saturday. His hours are Monday to Friday but he chooses to work some Saturdays in order to increase his wage a little more. He seems to choose to work a Saturday on the weekends he has our DD more than the weekends he doesn't!

@kirinm

So her Dad has been with his new wife for 7 years which means your DD has known the SD for all of her life and no doubt the SD sees her as a big sister.

I think I'd be telling DD to suck it up too.

I think most teenagers would take the option to escape to another house away from their younger annoying siblings if they had it.

There has got to come a time when a kid with separated parents gets a bit more of a say. In this case it sounds like the 15yo has a good relationship with both parents, still wants to see both, but would rather not spend whole weekends at her dad's anymore. She is not looking to cut all contact.

I think that's totally reasonable for someone her age.