DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

There’s another thread running at the moment about a Dad never bothering to make 1-to-1 effort with his DD 🤦‍♀️ Made me think of this one! Has your DD been able to get her preferred weekend arrangements percy? Or might you just leave it till the weekend?

@BobLemon She's staying with me tonight and I'll take her to her match. She wants to go to her Dads tomorrow evening and stay just the one night, back Sunday afternoon.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

I do find that there is a real dichotomy between the way people think about mid/late teens with regards to how they relate to separated parents, compared to all other decisions they make.

‘My 16 year old daughter wants to move in with her bf and his parents as here she has to share a room with her step sister and she annoys her’

‘She is old enough to make up her own mind and room sharing is really annoying. Let her go and maintain her relationship with you in other ways’.

Somehow, I don’t think that would be the tone of replies. Children of divorced parents have two homes. It is not right that because one parent can afford a nicer home or more rooms, that the child should just be able to live their permanently.

Yes, I know that, if they literally won’t go, little anyone can do. But good parenting would ask her to suck it up for four days a month.

Tbh the parent with more money and space etc is going to be favoured by the child. They enjoy a more comfortable life there. The child should absolutely get a say in this. His step child Is 8, his boi daughter is nearly 16. Boi daughter is nearly twice the age of DSD, of course she's not going to be happy with having to share a room. It also sounds like the dad leaves the boi daughter to entertain his DSD which is probably a massive part of why she doesn't want to go. "Suck it up for 4 days a month" is a ridiculous statement (especially when the DD will want to go out with friends etc, but instead she's stuck as her dad's sharing a room with an annoying 8 year old) it's a 1 way ticket for the DD to resent her father.

Having read your latest updates, I'd let her reduce the time. Your Ex doesn't seem that bothered about actually spending quality time with DD.

This is why the relationship fades with divorced dads and kids, because they can't be bothered to put in the effort.

I feel sorry for DD.

Another thing...so many poster's saying leave it your DD and don't get involved. She's spoken to you because she can't speak to her dad and even as an adult it's not always easy to discuss certain issues.

If communication was that easy all the time, we wouldn't see half the problems we did in relationships.

Your ex just sounds worse and worse. One rule for DD but his DSS the same age does what he wants.

Making a 15yo pay for her own drinks after insisting she watches his DSD’s hobby?

And £150 a month in maintenance? Is that amount a true reflection of his income, OP? Does he pay for anything else on top, ever?

Your DD is now old enough to make her own decisions about when and how often she sees her father.

By that age, when cases go to court, the child's opinions are paramount. It is about them, not the parents' wishes or perceived 'rights'.

Parent child relationships change as children get older even if they all live together. Now your DD has grown up more she should be able make her own decisions about seeing her father.

Maybe give him a list of options eg see his own DD when the step children aren't there; or when 8 year old has her activity, her own DM takes her, and your DD and her DF go for a walk/for coffee or something together, just the two of them. It doesn't have to be expensive. My DD's friend goes to Macdonalds for coffee with her dad.

FWIW I used to go to my dad's for half of every school holiday when my parents split (I was 4) but way before age 15 this arrangement changed. I wanted time to socialise with my friends.

@CBroads,

So, hypothetically, say the father won the lottery and moved into a £10 million house, and could give his daughter the dream teen room complete with en-suite etc.

If the daughter then decided she wanted to live full time with her father, should her mother have zero say in this?

At 15 she's now old enough to make her own decisions on how often she'd like to see her dad. I think he's being very unfair to expect her to be there when he's at work, especially as she's already expressed her feelings in regards to her step sister. If it went to court the judge would likely go with whatever she wanted and you ex would just have to suck it up.

As for this weekend I hope you did what she wanted and didn't force her to stay at her Dads on the day she didn't want to.

Can you have a frank discussion with her, around what would suit her. Would she prefer you drop her off Saturday night and collect Sunday afternoon and she sees him a night in the week one to one? Maybe a complete change in schedule is what's needed so she gets some time with her dad and less time with her Ss. One size doesn't always fit all, especially if it's been since she was 3

I don't think it's about room sharing it's about the overall dynamic DD has to allow DSD touch her things, be in her space and behave how she wants without complaint and without either parent intervening to let her have her own space. The weekend revolves around either DSD or food shopping and if they do anything nice then DSD is expected to pay for herself. Meanwhile DSS gets to do what he wants.

If Dad made time for some one on one and DSD was kept in check and DD not forced to come along to everything then she would likely happily go and have a better relationship with DSD.

[quote TheReluctantPhoenix]@CBroads,

So, hypothetically, say the father won the lottery and moved into a £10 million house, and could give his daughter the dream teen room complete with en-suite etc.

If the daughter then decided she wanted to live full time with her father, should her mother have zero say in this?[/quote]
Surely as a parent the Mother would want the best quality of life for her child?

Everyone knows money provides a better quality of life, education, food, holidays etc. Would you let your child miss opportunities because you want to be Petty with your ex?
Please.

@CBroads - my SC’s mother would (be petty with the ex).

She thinks she is the more important parent & in charge.

She wouldn’t let the children live with their dad (even if I’m their best interests and even if the kids wanted to).

Your poor DD, she's completely marginalised in your ex's house. Luckily she has a great mum!

Please don't make her go there if she doesn't want to. If push came to shove, at her age the courts wouldn't enforce her going and at that age she should have the ability to decide how much contact she has

Well DD said she'd like to go for dinner one night this week, she's just got back and told me that she was left to baby sit her step sister whilst her Dad and his wife went food shopping for over an hour!

Where was the older boy? Why does it take two adults to do the shopping?

God, her dad is an absolute loser.

It's time for your DD to call the shots!

Omfg

This guy is a fucking idiot.

She must be very disappointed. And hurt.

She clearly matters so little to him.

Next move is that she meets him somewhere neutral and refuses to go to his house so she doesn’t get saddled with fucking babysitting

He’s not even paying her and expects her to finance her own drinks

What a total loser

I’m really cross for her. :(

This is so sad. It’s like she’s not even his daughter. She’s just a built-in babysitter to keep the eight year old out of his way. I mean, of course he doesn’t want to see her on his “child free” weekend; he doesn’t need a babysitter then. What an absolute bastard.

And why the hell can’t the older son watch the eight year old while they’re food shopping! Or why must they both go. It’s just such an excuse to take advantage of your daughter.

All so familiar my DD is slightly older (17) she now only meets her Dad for coffee on her terms and is actually considering cutting all contact as she can't forgiven for prioritising his new family over her. She says she felt constantly unwanted and in the way.

I think no child should be forced to go to a parent where she feels like a babysitter to a younger half sibling instead of a loved member of the family, her fathers daughter.
I’m a firm believer of children’s right to not want to see a parent trumps the ‘right’ of the parent to see the child. Also, even if she was treated better by him, I can totally understand that at 15, she doesn’t want to share a room with a much younger child. She deserves privacy. I definitely would not force her to go there and let her make her own choice in how often she wants to see her father, for how long and where. If he doesn’t like it it’s his problem.

Well if he complains to you about DD not going you can now say

"DD went to spend time with you over dinner and you would rather go out food shopping how the hell do you think she feels?"

I feel so angry for her! I text my ex and politely asked why he had to do the food shopping on the one evening he had DD for dinner, but it's been ignored 🙄

That’s what I was thinking actually

I was going to write “well here’s a thought, there are 7 days in a week. ALL of them are available to use for shopping so that you can shop whenever you need to so that you can prioritise other things/people.”

My oh used to have a twinge of the Disney, never did any housework (in his house) while his dd was down for the weekend, so I’d not see him say on the weds as he wanted to do x or why. I did explain - given her complete inability to pick up after herself, that ti would be good for her to see what it takes to run a home, getting her into the habit of being a good guest/housemate/partner by understanding what’s important on a day to day basis.

He’d shop for main shop before she arrived and only do a flyby with her to make sure she had bits and pieces she wanted for tea/breakfasts etc.

Your x is the stark opposite

What happens shopping wise if your dd isn’t there? Do they take the 8yo or leave her with her brother?

I will say though that on some level id be miffed to get ex wife texts telling me how to manage my diary, but that’s cos I’m touchy for the time my oh ex texted complaining that dd hadn’t been watching strictly.

The dd was busy doing something else at the time and never even mentioned it. We did send a message back saying that what we do/don’t do, watch/don’t watch is absolutely none of her business and it stopped, but you are not her @percypenguins, I know

You don’t have a cauldron, pointy hat, black cat and botoxed lips warty nose l, do you? 😂🤣

How is dd @percypenguins is she ok? She must be pretty sad/bewildered by all this

My ds dad was being a dick. Well… he IS a dick, but he wasn’t handling things with ds at all well.

He’d FaceTime him, camera off then when an 8yo was looking around and not at the screen he’d tell him off! This was 7 years ago, so the whole zoom screen thing was alien to him. He’d tell him off for having his hair too long… erm nowt to do with you pal, you’re not cutting it, you’re not even sending money to take him to the sodding barbers

So I explained to him that telling him off, never ringing him unless you want sympathy for a cold, never asking him about what he’s doing, talking at him, dropping off the radar for months, isn’t building anything with him. Driving through the village after 5 years of not seeing him and not stopping off to see him was just wrong.

We have nothing to do with him now, it’s better that way. He’s actually deeply damaged I think.