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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

245 replies

percypenguins · 08/08/2021 11:34

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 11/08/2021 17:58

Would it be worth splitting the time. Maybe go one night each week instead of two nights.
Your daughter may find it more bearable to deal with a younger child if it's one night at a time

RandomMess · 11/08/2021 18:03

I suspect if your DD acting more like a full sibling and was less tolerant of her step-sister then her Dad would be happier to drop the playing stuff "happy families" facade.

Original poster
percypenguins · 11/08/2021 18:14

@HalzTangz I've suggested that idea too but he said no.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2021 19:49

@kirinm

So her Dad has been with his new wife for 7 years which means your DD has known the SD for all of her life and no doubt the SD sees her as a big sister.

I think I'd be telling DD to suck it up too.

She may not feel the same way, many don’t see step siblings as family.

At 15 she doesn’t have to suck it up, she has the choice to maintain contact or not. If the dad is unwilling to swap weekends or adapt the existing ones he can’t complain if the relationship suffers.

RandomMess · 11/08/2021 19:54

Every child benefits from some one on one time with each parent (abusive ones aside). He's not emotionally intelligent is he.

MeridianB · 12/08/2021 06:56

[quote percypenguins]@HalzTangz I've suggested that idea too but he said no. [/quote]
Wow. Talk about stubborn. What would he do if she just didn’t show up on the next contact weekend?

Original poster
percypenguins · 12/08/2021 08:35

@MeridianB I would probably get a crappy phone call from my ex if she didn't!

OP posts:
MzHz · 12/08/2021 09:32

Thing is, when their dads show just how they don’t understand how their dc work, and the dc plucks up the courage to raise it with us, their dm, and we broach the subject, it falls on deaf (and selfish) ears, dc stops bothering and WE (who HAVE actually tried to HELP) get the flack!

I think it’s potentially worth you communicating with him along the lines of saying that she’s an only child, likes her own space, wants some 1-2-1 contact with her dad but isn’t getting any at all. That she’s at an age where she’ll have other plans with kids her own age, who don’t crowd her, and listen to her. She’ll choose not to come over and that you’re not prepared to listen to him blaming you for something he CAN do something about; so see her outside the step kids contact, don’t insist on overnights bunking in, she doesn’t enjoy it.

Then at least you have laid it out there so WHEN she stops wanting to go, and IF the ex calls, you just repeat what you’ve said and say that he has a choice as does she. His relationship with his dd is his responsibility.

Not your’s, not dd’s, not his new partner’s. His.

Not that it would any effect on this bloke, I know, but if it were me, I’d feel better for communicating my dc wishes.

Original poster
percypenguins · 12/08/2021 10:04

@MzHz Thank you, that's exactly the way I think too.

I had a message from him yesterday to say that he is working this Saturday (DD is due at his this weekend), so he can't take her to her extra curricular activity in the morning and I will have too. I actually have plans which I now either have to cancel so DD can still play in the match, or not cancel and she misses out. I'm so fed up of someone else's actions impacting on me!

OP posts:
Original poster
percypenguins · 12/08/2021 10:04

I should also add not only impacting me, but also DD!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/08/2021 10:07

Perfect excuse for you to discuss with DD and if she doesn't want to go let him know.

"DD is hurt that yet again she is the lowest priority for you and will have to miss her activity so she'll see you at next contact weekend at the end of the month"

His actions have consequences.

Can DD not get a lift/use public transport? Absolutely infuriating.

Original poster
percypenguins · 12/08/2021 10:21

@RandomMess Her asthma has flared up lately and her coach as said he would like one parent at each match just as a precaution. She can manage her inhaler ok but gets a bit panicky about it sometimes!

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 12/08/2021 10:21

How infuriating - so sorry for your DD. She really is very far down his priority list.

Re her activity - could she lift share with a friend so that you're not having to miss out?

BobLemon · 12/08/2021 10:21

Oh! So he’s picking and choosing whether he has to take on the responsibility for her sports on a Saturday, but her not staying over is not up for discussion?! Fuck that shit. (I’m a SM).

JacquelineCarlyle · 12/08/2021 10:22

Just seen your update re asthma - he really is a shit!

Original poster
percypenguins · 12/08/2021 10:26

@BobLemon Yes basically!

OP posts:
Kimbo180 · 12/08/2021 10:31

I think ya should just let it play out for a few weeks. She might change her mind.

RandomMess · 12/08/2021 10:35

Think I'd tell him to fuck off too until he's ready to prioritise parenting her.

RandomMess · 12/08/2021 10:38

Maybe

"So DD has to miss her activity because you have made other plans on her weekend with you yet you expect her to still come and play happy families?"

TBH the best response is none. If DD doesn't want to go this weekend I would support her with that and just tell him that she doesn't want to go.

Quartz2208 · 12/08/2021 10:44

Perhaps a breezy that’s fine I can have her this weekend then no problem

Is what is needed

LittleMysSister · 12/08/2021 11:07

@BobLemon

Oh! So he’s picking and choosing whether he has to take on the responsibility for her sports on a Saturday, but her not staying over is not up for discussion?! Fuck that shit. (I’m a SM).
Yeah I agree with this tbh.

He wants flexibility for himself but not for her, which is very unfair at her age. I'd understand if she was much younger and he was worried about her not wanting to come, but at 15 she really should have more flexibility.

I don't understand why he's so adamant on her being there for the whole weekend when he isn't even there himself at times? It doesn't sound like they spend much time together on those weekends except for watching a film on the Saturday evening.

HOWEVER, I wouldn't get involved in it yourself tbh, otherwise you will just get the blame. DD needs to have a word with her dad here, he may have a better conversation directly with her.

RedMarauder · 12/08/2021 11:41

@LittleMysSister he doesn't seem to understand the contact time is for him to spend time with his child. He seems to think it is for his child to spend time with his partner and her children. He is also unable to see that his child is going up and has her own point of view about situations.

OP as previous posters have said empower your child to tell her father herself what terms she wants to see him on. If she then refuses to see him at all because he is being an ass so he tries to drag you into it don't engage and redirect him back to your daughter. She is old enough to decide when and how often she wants to see him.

LittleMysSister · 12/08/2021 11:53

@LittleMysSister he doesn't seem to understand the contact time is for him to spend time with his child. He seems to think it is for his child to spend time with his partner and her children. He is also unable to see that his child is going up and has her own point of view about situations.

Yeah it sounds to me like he feels that it's all about being 'part of family life' with his DD, wife and SD, which isn't a bad sentiment but also ignores that fact that it's not ideal for her anymore.

Not saying she should never spend time at his house as a family but can't get my head around him having an issue with her changing it up at all.

MeridianB · 12/08/2021 14:02

Just read your updates on him choosing to work often on Sat mornings DD is with him and now ditching support for her sports commitment. There is just no point continuing with this farce. He is a selfish knob.

Perfect way forward from @MzHz with a big dollop of the one from @RandomMess too. If nothing changes then I’d be inclined to give DD your full support in not going back. It’s up to him to make the effort.

thing47 · 12/08/2021 14:30

I had a message from him yesterday to say that he is working this Saturday (DD is due at his this weekend), so he can't take her to her extra curricular activity in the morning and I will have too

'OK, but I have plans for the rest of the day which I'm not prepared to change so I won't be available to take her to yours after that. She'll see you in 3 weeks'

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