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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

245 replies

percypenguins · 08/08/2021 11:34

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
greyspottedgoose · 08/08/2021 11:38

At 15 she is likely to want to spend time with her friends more than at her dad's house, surely he knew her staying would tail off eventually anyway? She is plenty old enough to decide what she would like to do and he is going to have to suck it up, wouldn't he rather her be there because she wants to be occasionally than forced to be there

JassyRadlett · 08/08/2021 11:40

I think this is between her and her dad. Him trying to involve you is unlikely to be helpful except it means he doesn’t have to actually address any issues with either kid.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 08/08/2021 11:41

She's 15, she's old enough to make a decision about what contact she has. Her Dad telling her to suck it up or you pushing her to go isn't going to change her feelings. Maybe contact needs to evolve with her growing up. There's other options to sleeping there or going all weekend. Maybe going for dinner twice a week, or a dinner one night each week and a weekend outing EOW. I'd sit down with DD and ask her what she wants. It's important for her to have a meaningful relationship and spend time with her Dad (unless he's abusive), but that doesn't have to involve staying all weekend.

KylieKoKo · 08/08/2021 11:41

My little sister used to annoy me a lot and I'd do what I could to avoid her when I was 15. I think it's normal and her dad is right to a certain extent. I think it would be worse if he just shrugged and let your daughter never see him!

Is her step sister actually doing anything bad or is she just acting like a typical 8 year old?

Maybe it would be nice if occasionally your ex took your daughter out for dinner or something with just him and her but I don't think either of you should be happy to let his relationship with his daughter slide because she has an annoying step sibling.

aiwblam · 08/08/2021 11:43

At 15, it’s her decision. I can imagine that it’s really frustrating for her to have to go and deal with an annoying 8yo that she barely knows. She does not have to suck it up at all, particularly if she has an alternative which is to stay with you. How far away is your ex?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 08/08/2021 11:43

Sorry 😳 I didn't mean that to read like you should work it all out for him, more knowing what she wants and not to push what he wants and be quietly supportive of her needs.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 08/08/2021 11:44

At 15 he needs to change the way he interact with her. Obviously a 15 isn’t going to want to share a room with an 8 year old. He should take her out for lunch/dinner once a month to gets some 1-1 and invite her to days out and family meals etc.

Tigertealeaves · 08/08/2021 11:45

He wants you to "make" 15 year old go, but he can't "make" the 8 year old change her behaviour? My guess is that as a step parent to SD 8, he doesn't feel he can make changes ... maybe SD's mum isn't on board with there being an issue. People can be v defensive about their own kids in a stepfamily.

Sounds like ex needs to arrange with his partner/wife so that he gets more 1:1 time with DD. The 8 year old presumably has contact with her own dad? Could DD sometimes go over during that time?

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 08/08/2021 11:46

At 15 I couldn’t think of much worse than hanging around with a younger child.
I suspect dad thinks he can push a relationship between them, he can’t though. She’ll be 16 soon and he needs to develop a relationship that works for both of them or she just won’t come.

Kanaloa · 08/08/2021 11:46

She’s 15, she isn’t going to want to have an 8 year old hanging around her all weekend.

At her age forcing her isn’t going to result in a good atmosphere and help build a decent relationship with her dad. For what it’s worth he sounds totally uninterested in solving the issue if he just wants her to ‘suck it up.’ I would let her stay at home.

Keepitonthedownlow · 08/08/2021 11:47

It sounds like your DD is having a miserable time, and they contact should be renegotiated. Have you asked her what she would prefer? Her DF should also do the same. Perhaps she visits for lunch and dinner and comes home in the evening? Or her and her DF go out and do something together. Forcing her to sleep over at 15, 16 onwards doesn't sound fair.

cansu · 08/08/2021 11:48

Maybe it would be better for her not to stay over? At 15 it would also make sense for her to have a more flexible arrangement. Why doesn't her dad try taking her out alone once a week for coffee or meal and a catch up? He needs to find a way of spending time with her whilst also not completely having her estrange herself from his family. I would be doing things like inviting her out, asking her over for meals with family but maybe accepting her going home without any big fuss.

Ghosttile · 08/08/2021 11:49

I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to stay there if she has to share a room with a younger child who’s really annoying her. There’s no escape. Equally, her Dad can’t magic up an extra bedroom.

Maybe she could try changing her visits so she spends the day there but comes back to you for the night? Or arrange more regular mid week dinners? Contact doesn’t have to be overnight.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 08/08/2021 11:50

You can't make a teen go. Even if you could how are you supposed to do it? ConfusedHmm

This is a problem for Dad to solve. Are there solutions like sleeping on the sofa that might work? That's for dd to discuss with her Dad.

I'm assuming that you and Dad live close by. Is visiting for the day and going hone to sleep a possible solution?

Original poster
percypenguins · 08/08/2021 11:50

She's a lovely child and I'd be more than happy her being at home all the time but I do think she shouldn't let the relationship with her Dad slip.

After speaking to DD I said to my ex that she'd be happy if he picked her up at the weekend and took her out for lunch or the cinema etc, instead of her staying the whole weekend. He said that he can't usually do that due to lack of money, or work, or the fact that her step sister / step mum want to see her.

Yes I imagine her step sister is just being an annoying 8 year old, but I did face time DD last week when she was there and her step sister practically tried to wrestle the phone out of her hand to see who it was!

I don't really know what the answer is.

OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 08/08/2021 11:50

It's up to her father to persuade her to go not up to you to force her. Make that very clear.

He will need to talk to her and the 8yr old and try to sort something out.

Original poster
percypenguins · 08/08/2021 11:51

Yes, her Dad lives a 5/10 min car drive away.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 08/08/2021 11:55

She’s 15 and it’s pretty much par for the course that they would rather see friends than family at the weekends, being expected to spend time with her annoying 8 year old step-sister is not really going to appeal, and it can’t be forced. Time for her dad to listen to her and to figure out contact that would work for both of them. You can support her in deciding what she would like and how to express this to her father.

thirstyformore · 08/08/2021 11:56

She's 15. I can't imagine many 15 year olds wanting to spend the entire weekend at their dads. My dsd is 16 and I Can't remember the last time she stayed over. Instead DH usually goes out for lunch/dinner with her once a week, and for days out etc (in fact Dd,dsd and dh are out for the day now).

I think it's natural she'll want to be at her main home more

GlitterBiscuits · 08/08/2021 11:57

Is it her step sister or half sister? I would think that would make a big difference.

PomegranateQueen · 08/08/2021 11:57

It's really up to her father to make adjustments if he wants her to keep staying over. He can't just shrug it off and say she's family because it's the family he has chosen, not DD's family. The age gap is too wide to expect them to share harmoniously.

God my DS is about to turn 8 and he annoys me sometimes and I am his mother!

Original poster
percypenguins · 08/08/2021 11:58

@GlitterBiscuits Step sister.

OP posts:
GlitterBiscuits · 08/08/2021 12:03

In that case I think your DD is completely ok with making her feelings known.

If they were half sisters I'd try to encourage a relationship.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 08/08/2021 12:10

I bet this is a household where the brother is able to hole up in his room with a console all day so Op's dd is the only hope of company for the stepsister.

I would get your dd to discuss some options with her Dad. Living so close means that there is more scope for choices.

If he doesn't compromise, your ex risks your dd not visiting at all. A judge would say it was up to her what contact she had with her Dad.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2021 12:21

@percypenguins

She's a lovely child and I'd be more than happy her being at home all the time but I do think she shouldn't let the relationship with her Dad slip.

After speaking to DD I said to my ex that she'd be happy if he picked her up at the weekend and took her out for lunch or the cinema etc, instead of her staying the whole weekend. He said that he can't usually do that due to lack of money, or work, or the fact that her step sister / step mum want to see her.

Yes I imagine her step sister is just being an annoying 8 year old, but I did face time DD last week when she was there and her step sister practically tried to wrestle the phone out of her hand to see who it was!

I don't really know what the answer is.

It’s all about what the stepsister, stepmum and your dd ‘s dad wants. What about your dd in all of this?

No way would I put pressure on your dd to continue staying the weekend. Depending on how level headed he is, can you explain you’re unable to force her to continue the arrangement in the same way that you’re unable to force him to do things with her and that he doesn’t want to? It’s really time for him to renegotiate the relationship with her now that she’s well on her way to adulthood.

Bottom line, it sounds as though you have done the lions share of the parenting for years. He can piss off with his attitude and expectation you will continue to do wife work so that he can be a not good enough father.