DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

@MzHz Haha no I don't look like that (I hope!).

I did also put in the text that by doing so he had upset DD, but as I said, it was ignored.

DD is ok, she just said to me that she didn't see the point in going as she only saw him for a grand total of about an hour the whole evening! (I think he also popped out to do something else as well as the food shopping).

Ex went mental at me, and I just pointed out that I know ds and he doesn’t and what he was doing was doing more harm than good, he ignored me and that’s why we gave up on him. He’s pointless and actually damaging to know. I want better than that for ds.

I honestly hope your DD has the guts to tell him to F off herself.

for your DD

[quote percypenguins]@MzHz Haha no I don't look like that (I hope!).

I did also put in the text that by doing so he had upset DD, but as I said, it was ignored.

DD is ok, she just said to me that she didn't see the point in going as she only saw him for a grand total of about an hour the whole evening! (I think he also popped out to do something else as well as the food shopping). [/quote]
Oh my god! Could he BE any more clueless?

I wonder if this is a ploy somehow to stop her coming? Would that suit him? Or the new partner?

Just wondering if they’re trying to put her off coming cos that’s what it looks like somehow!

@MzHz Well my ex did tell me that he was gutted that DD wanted to reduce contact...

God, what is with the adults constantly doing the grocery shopping and dog walks together?? 🤨 That's something DH and I used to do when we were dating and brand new. It got old after a few years. These days, we can't shop together without an argument about "do we really need that / look at the price". Grocery shopping alone is my one shot at peace and solitude in a full house!

Plus, there's delivery. Buy it online and get the supermarket van to take it to you. If you want to go on a real date, go out to dinner.

Tell your daughter the going rate for babysitting in your area (in mine, it's £10 per hour). If her dad moans at her about not coming round, she can tell him her babysitting rate. Let him stew on that.

We do ask my teen DSD to look after her sisters once in a while, for maybe an hour at a time tops. But that's not so DH and I can spend quality time. It's because we're taking care of other things in different directions.

When DH and I go on a real date, we arrange babysitting in advance with DSD and she gets paid. She also gets backup: we invite her favorite cousin to stay, and her cousin also gets paid. They both work together to get the younger DDs safely off to bed, and then they get to hang out.

If your DDs feelings don't matter to your ex, of course she'll cool off on him. He has to listen to her, truly listen to her, and demonstrate to her that her feelings matter to him.

@percypenguins

Well DD said she'd like to go for dinner one night this week, she's just got back and told me that she was left to baby sit her step sister whilst her Dad and his wife went food shopping for over an hour!

No wonder she wants less contact.

Tell her it’s ok to say no to being the default babysitter, it’s not her responsibility as they are not her children.

Oh and I used to do main shopping together and he’d buy it, I’d do top up shops buying biscuits in the week and anything else i could get better elsewhere

But pandemic and quarantine after holidays last year meant we switched to online and we’ve never looked back

I still do the odd biscuit run top up cos it’s cheaper to get snacks for teens at Tesco than it is on Ocado.

Why can’t he see that her wanting to reduce visits IS kind of to be expected anyway but factoring in how he’s treating her, she’ll want to stop coming altogether

I love how you arrange that @Preech, it’s a treat, that earns her money and helps you out

Brilliant set up all round!

Heh, it's a treat for us too! An expensive date these days, but at least we get to have one.

@Preech

Tell your daughter the going rate for babysitting in your area (in mine, it's £10 per hour). If her dad moans at her about not coming round, she can tell him her babysitting rate. Let him stew on that.

Especially if he makes HER pay for her own treats/snacks on the occasions he is out with her.. 🌹

Your DD should send her dad an invoice for the babysitting and say going forward, she will only babysit if paid.

I can't believe what an arse he's being. How on earth can he claim to be disappointed she doesn't want to come when he goes out every time she does?

@percypenguins dd isn’t that brave to be able to do that sadly.

Meeting in a neutral space for tea once a week mid week sounds like a way forward. Granted dd may have to take her own picnic 🙄 but I can’t see her wanting to bother

What’s the betting they suggest the local supermarket with a cafe and dump the 8yo on here then.

If I were you @percypenguins, I’d reset this to a neutral territory somewhere and hang around a bit so dd knows if she wants to bail, she can.

I agree with the dh that she does need to suck it up to an extent. If she were her actual sister she would have to put up with her. Your ex has spoken to the step sister so it isn't as if he hasn't recognised the situation however he could do more by taking your dd out to spend some one on one time together. It's a shame to throw away a relationship with her dad just because her so is annoying.

I'm unimpressed that he would make his own dd pay for snacks when he takes her out, good thing he is an ex op because he's a shit quite frankly. I don't blame her for not wanting to go they aren't exactly giving off the impression that they want her there.

Dd still wants to see him… but he’s not listening and isn’t making any effort to have good quality time with her

So your comment It's a shame to throw away a relationship with her dad just because her so is annoying. is irrelevant as it’s the other way around

My step children are much older now, 12, 13 and 16. When they were younger they used to stay every weekend but its naturally progressed and contact has changed a lot!

The 12 year old stays every Saturday night and for majority of the school holidays, she does get on amazingly with my DD (step-sibling) who is 10 though, not sure we'd see her that often if they didn't!

The 13 year old will stay over occasionally but spends majority of his time in his main home on games consoles talking to friends, he always joins us on any day out. The 16 year old doesn't stay over at all anymore, she will come on days/meals out with us, meet her Dad for a coffee etc & usually comes for Sunday lunch every other week or so. They catch up regularly with phone calls and she always gets in touch if she has anything important to share and vice versa.

DH doesn't mind, he knows they are all growing up and have their own social lives.

I would let your DD make up her own mind about contact at 15, especially if her DF won't try to work things out for her. However I would also encourage her to stay in touch via text/phonecalls in-between any contact to keep their relationship going.

So:

There's uncurbed pestering from a SS half her age whose room she shares;

She has to pay for her own snacks when out with her DF and family;

She is lumbered with unpaid babysitting when DF and SM go out;

Her DF works many of the Saturday mornings she is there;

She is routinely dragged to watch small SS's weekend activity;

Family activities predominate while she is there and she gets no 1:1 time with her DF;

Her DF shows no commitment to DD's weekend sport commitment;

Her DF purports to be gutted that his DD isn't keen to have contact but managed to restrict the contact she had with him to 'about an hour' total last time;

Her DF refuses to tweak arrangements to allow DD to visit when step-siblings are visiting their own DF, allowing for some meaningful time together.

Not an encouraging picture for a 15yo, is it? As a PP suggested, perhaps DF and DSM value those child-free weekends above the relationship with DD?

I would let her decide, every time, and refuse to engage if her DF kicked off. You've enabled your ex long enough, OP, now perhaps it's time to empower your DD? After all, she'll be 16 before long and able to marry! She can and should decide for herself about this.

Why not encourage her to negotiate with her DF? Has he ever asked her how she'd like to spend her weekend with him? If not, why not?!

How’s everything @percypenguins? How’s your dd doing? Any progress with Father of the Year?