DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

Where is the Dad when DD is at his house? Is he actually there most of the time? Or is he also glued to his console?

@SpaceshiptoMars I don't know about every weekend, but the last one DD was there -

Saturday- Her Dad went to work in the morning, afternoon they all went to watch her step sister do an activity, evening they watched a film at home

Sunday - Her Dad and his wife went food shopping in the morning, they all took dog for a walk in the afternoon, then DD came home at 3

Is @Rebornagain your ex?

Sometimes teens need help expressing themselves whether it's to the non resident parent, school or other adult with authority. It's not meddling if the child asks you to advocate for them and tell you what to say on their behalf.

@Rebornagain

I'm sorry you're meddling and this isn't probably the 1st time. You have enabled and given your daughter power by picking her up. This has probably happened before.

If she has issues she needs to communicate with her father and not through the mother.

Seriously? you'd tell a 15 year old she has to stay where she is even if unhappy instead of coming home because ... that would give her power? What the hell is wrong with giving a 15 year old power in her relationships?

If DD is quite an introvert, she may struggle with all those group activities. She may be returning home because she's 'socialled out'. Needs time on her own to regroup and prepare for the week ahead.

@penguinwithasuitcase I don't want to derail the thread, but you can't be blind to the fact that women do the vast majority of caring.

Whether it's the OP here, caring for her DD 26+ days out of 30, or women (& it is usually sisters, aunts & daughters) caring for those who can't care for themselves due to age or disability.

Once you reach middle age you tend to see more and more women wrung out by caring for kids, plus working, plus caring for parents or neighbours or friends/family.

Quite often those being cared for are men who really haven't done that much care themselves because they (like the OP's ex here) couldn't be bothered and prioritised new wives/DC, yet when the time comes for them needing care they expect their daughters to care for them.

I am not genuinely expecting the DD in this scenario to keep a screenshot for 20 yrs, I thought that was obviously tongue in cheek, but there are many women of my generation currently running themselves ragged caring for their fathers who were little more than sperm doners.

I think women need to be more open and honest with their expectations of others (in this scenario the DD wanting 1-on-1 time with her dad) and what should be expected of them (if Dad doesn't step up into parental role a recognition that the relationship bond has been broken, possibly beyond repair, even when the father is old & frail).

Sorry OP for going a bit off track here.

@Morechocolatethanbarbara No problem at all! I'm grateful for all responses

@SpaceshiptoMars Yes she's a huge introvert. Has problems expressing a feelings, emotions etc. School suspect she may be on the spectrum. I've always wondered.

At 15 and going into Y11 it's likely that your DD's priorities are going to change regardless of an annoying 8-yr-old step sister. Given the most recent weekend she spent at her Dad's, it seems to me as though there may be opportunities for him to carve out some time for her or for her to time her visits slightly differently e.g. on Saturdays that he's working, she doesn't arrive until he's at home and instead of watching SS's activity, your DD and her dad hang out just the two of them at home. On Sunday the dog walk and/or the food shop could be done by your DD and her dad. None of those things cost money that isn't already being spent (on the food shop) but will take a bit of flexibility.

If she's not confident enough to speak to her dad, perhaps she'd find it easier to text? Could you help her write a message that explains she needs to find more time at the weekend to revise throughout the year so she's on top of her subjects and so she'd like to make sure she actually gets to spend time with him when she comes to stay. Maybe the message could include suggestions such as delaying her arrival until after he's finished work so she gets revision done before arriving, reserving the dog walk for the two of them and getting home in time for a decent block of revision time on the Sunday. She might want to include something about taking part in a full family activity on Saturday evenings but that if her step brother isn't going to be present, she may make arrangements with her friends, just as she would if she was at yours.

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
He has a solution to this issue that would make his child more comfortable and willing to spend time with him but he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to give up his child free weekend.

I would support your DD and not ‘make’ her do an overnight stay.

He’s a selfish prick btw but you probably already realise that.

It sounds like the problem is that she's essentially a visitor in their house. She doesn't have her own private space and has to interact nicely and take part in dictated activities all weekend. This is not generally how people parent their teens - they generally let them retreat to their rooms except for mealtimes and occasional mandated activities. As an introvert, she must find it very stressful to have no private space to recharge her batteries in a house where she doesn't feel at home. And she has to go through this EOW. Added to the stress of school and exams, it all sounds a bit too much.

At 15 it really needs to be led by your DD.
From the sound of it her dad is very unwilling to change anything to make contact better for her.

I don’t think you can force her to go and the suggestion from step-mom to not let her in is ridiculous.

Sounds like it’s overwhelming being with the step sister for so long. It’s pity her dad couldn’t make some effort to do one too one stuff

Watching DSS take part in an activity - I remember trailing round with DS to Athletics events - sooooo boring - I'd never have taken other DCs if I could avoid it. AT 15 she could stay home.
She was left babysitting ( I suppose) when the parents went shopping. She could miss the sister's sport and the walk if she wanted as she was baby sitting on her own. She could stay at the house.

He’s unwilling to swap because it means they are kid free that weekend. Him working the morning and then being dragged out to watch ss do an activity sounds utterly boring even for me.
Let dd choose what she wants to do she’s old enough. As for your ex 🙄

Clearly his own DD is not his priority. He only has her for 4 days a month, which is pitiful as it is, and even then he doesn't seem bothered about spending that precious time with her. Doing a supermarket shop (and using her to babysit the 8yo no doubt)

Also doing the weekly shop whilst she's there - one of them could do that on an evening or just one of them could go or they could get a delivery.

Time for them to suck it up instead of your dd always being expected to. They could solve it by having your dd the weekends the Ss goes to her dad. Or they or the brother could have the annoying SS camping in with them so your dd has a room to herself and annoying them instead of her.
Otherwise they are just going to have to put up with her voting with her feet.

Sorry, posted too soon!

Can't his wife manage the supermarket on her own? Or can't they get an online delivery? Or do it another time that doesn't eat into the tiny amount of time he can be bothered to have his DD each month?

He's been given lots of options. Not that he should need you to come up with them - he should be doing that himself. But he cares more about having child-free time with his wife (which most parents do not get the luxury of every other weekend), about keeping his wife and her daughter happy, about pinching the pennies etc. He seems to care very little (if at all) about what his own DD wants or about spending quality time with her or having a meaningful relationship with her.

I would stay out of it. Don't make her go, and don't try and solve his problems for him. There are plenty of ways he could improve this situation but he won't make it happen. That's entirely on him.

[quote percypenguins]@SpaceshiptoMars I don't know about every weekend, but the last one DD was there -

Saturday- Her Dad went to work in the morning, afternoon they all went to watch her step sister do an activity, evening they watched a film at home

Sunday - Her Dad and his wife went food shopping in the morning, they all took dog for a walk in the afternoon, then DD came home at 3 [/quote]
It does look as if both parents are avoiding the DCs considering that this is the weekend they have them and that other weekends are child free. I mean food shopping?? working?? one child does an activity? all go for dog walk (which presumably is done by one person the rest of the fortnight), watch a film woopee!!
Selfish pair.

[quote percypenguins]@SpaceshiptoMars I don't know about every weekend, but the last one DD was there -

Saturday- Her Dad went to work in the morning, afternoon they all went to watch her step sister do an activity, evening they watched a film at home

Sunday - Her Dad and his wife went food shopping in the morning, they all took dog for a walk in the afternoon, then DD came home at 3 [/quote]
Zero quality time with her father here.

No wonder she’s fed up. If DD wants you to speak to him on her behalf then it’s time to put the ball in his court.

If they live nearby and have a dog then even more reason for him to meet DD for a walk in the park as often as they like.

I'm with the others, other than supporting your DD, this is not your circus to sort out, it's her DFs issue & if he can't reach a suitable compromise, then he's not making enough effort to facilitate enjoyable contact time for her & put her first for a few days a month .

Worth mentioning though that we saw similar behaviour with a friends 15yo. Turned out she was annoying her DF didn't spoil her when she visited as her friends compared notes about their own Disney dads & so felt her dad wasn't doing/spending enough, so tried to force his hand by refusing to see him. Other than discussing the situation, At no point did he think this was her mum's problem to sort out though, because it wasn't. She didn't see him for months on end at one point, but they have a fantastic relationship a few years down the line & she's even apologised for "being a bitch" to him. You know your DD best, but this is an age for selfish assed behaviour, so something to bare in mind.

That said, I don't blame her at all not wanting to entertain or spend time with the annoying SS & her dad wants to see her, but refuses to compromise, nor recognise that she is growing up & the status quo of her expectations of contact with him has changed & from what's written here, she doesn't sound unreasonable to expect her needs not to be harassed by her SS to be met when she sees him. When exactly does she get any 1-1 with her dad?

You can't force her & shouldn't try. This is her DFs mess to sort out & he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort & is passing that buck to you... sod that

I imagine her step sister is just being an annoying 8 year old, but I did face time DD last week when she was there and her step sister practically tried to wrestle the phone out of her hand to see who it was!

Oof. I had to tell my 7 year old DD off for exactly this behavior yesterday! Except in DD's case, it was her dad's (DH) phone, and he was trying to write a text.

That sounds like typical, if annoyingly energetic, 8 year old behavior. But the kind that won't go away by itself without some normal guidance. Her mum should be stepping in and addressing that.

My DSD is 15. But she does not share a room with her younger siblings when she's here. DH and I made sure she'd always have her own place to retreat to and sleep, even when we were house hunting years ago. A 7 year age gap is BIG. Our DDs (the other is 4) are not allowed in DSD's room unless she says it's okay.

@OP, I think your DD having dinner with her dad's family a couple of times midweek would be a more than reasonable compromise if money is tight.

Free things they could do together on the occasional weekend during the day, off the top of my head: a walk together at a nice outdoor spot when the weather is nice; jogging together around Dad's neighbourhood (takes pressure to talk away too); a bike ride (she could borrow her SM's or SB's bike if she doesn't have her own ... or ride her own bike to his, or he rides to yours and then they carry on together); a drive somewhere (anywhere) just the two of them with a takeaway coffee or a hot drink (let her pick the music).

On the nights I'm putting younger DD's to bed, DH and DSD will watch TV or a movie on the sofa together (usually her pick ... if he picks, he goes for a genre he knows she'll like).

I also think the adults offering your DD the sofa to sleep on, and accepting they will have to let go of evening time in their living room, is a reasonable compromise too. Especially if they're struggling with the younger girl's emotional maturity at the moment.

@percypenguins your DD struggling to discuss feelings with her dad sounds familiar. My DSD struggled a lot with that when I met her, and still struggles to a degree with her mom. She is still sensitive to people's reactions, and gets easily frustrated if she's dismissed after speaking up.

After 7-odd years, it should be clear to her DF and SM that they can't make a family happen. I completely understand the temptation to force a bond by doing all the things together, but IME the bond comes more naturally when everyone feels secure in their primary relationships first. For the younger children, that'll be them and their DM (and even further than that, 1-on-1 time for each of them with her). For your DD and her dad, that's the two of them. The more the adults try to force togetherness, the more threatened and pushed out the children will feel.

Sorry, that should say for the stepsibs... I did read one of them is a teenage boy.

I think it's normal, at 15, to want to spend your time with your friends or where you consider your home most of the time and I do think it's old enough for contact to start varying according to what she wants rather than following a strict schedule simply because that's how it's always been.

However, I would do what you can to encourage some sort of relationship still with your ex. I know it's probably not your job to do so but it would be a shame for your DD if it slipped completely. Maybe encourage her to go round for the afternoon and some tea or something on the Sunday and you'll pick her up after, something like that?