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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

245 replies

percypenguins · 08/08/2021 11:34

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 08/08/2021 12:23

Just addressing the elephant in the room here...
As he has said he can't afford to take her out at the weekend, is he thinking if she doesn't go EOW anymore then maintenance will increase?
I'm with PPs though, she's not a little child any more and trying to force this won't go well in short term but also longer term she will just remember that she wasn't heard or considered in all this.
I'd maybe encourage more in the way of weeknight dinners etc as a compromise in the short term and see where that takes you all.

KylieKoKo · 08/08/2021 12:37

I would be cautious about overestimating a 15 year old emotional maturity and capacity to make decisions that could affect her relationship with her dad. By all means tweak contact and make it work for her but I'd be wary of reducing it. She might feel like it doesn't matter and she doesn't need her dad but she is still a child. If she's allowed to see him a lot less she might well look back and wonder why her dad didn't fight for her.

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 08/08/2021 12:41

I’m assuming SDD doesn’t have contact with her own dad so can’t arrange visits for when she is away?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/08/2021 12:57

She is old enough to decide and if the relationship slips that’s down to him. He could ensure he has one to one time with her, move house etc so she has her own room but if he chooses not to and puts others first then that’s on him.

Original poster
percypenguins · 08/08/2021 12:58

@PizzaPiePizzaPie Yes her step sister sees her dad, they've arranged all contact so that they have all children together and then they have the same child free time too.

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 08/08/2021 13:04

She's 15, it's up to her what she does now.

My DS started to feel like that at that age, similar set up - sharing a room with a younger child, albeit it was his younger brother, but DS is a fairly quiet person who isn't used to that. He also started wanting to see more of his friends, and as his Dad lived a distance away, he was unable to see friends/attend parties on his Dads weekends.

He's now 17 and for the last 18 months or so contact has changed. DS no longer goes EOW, unless he wants to. Contact is controlled by him, so he sees his Dad when he wants to. It means he doesn't see him frequently, but he seems happy with that. I think it's a shame his Dad doesn't make more of an effort to fit around DS's life - so he won't attempt to see him at some point over a weekend, if DS can't commit an entire weekend, he just doesn't see him.

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 08/08/2021 13:09

[quote percypenguins]@PizzaPiePizzaPie Yes her step sister sees her dad, they've arranged all contact so that they have all children together and then they have the same child free time too. [/quote]
I mean it’s nice to have child free time but it’s not a given. Traditional families don’t get weekends child free generally.
Sounds like he needs to be a bit more flexible if he wants to keep a good relationship with her.

DinosaurDiana · 08/08/2021 13:11

No, do not make her go.
It took me years to get up the guts to say that I didn’t want to see my dad on Sundays any more.

Notaroadrunner · 08/08/2021 13:20

Don't make her go. She shouldn't be forced into having a relationship with her step mum and step siblings. Her father chose that family for him but it doesn't mean she has to suck it up and want to be part of it. She should get to spend time with her dad alone. So if that means going out for an afternoon after school (come September), and then having a day out every other weekend, so be it. She shouldn't have to dread going to stay in a house where she's not happy.

Kanaloa · 08/08/2021 13:22

He can’t afford to take her anywhere, even for a McDonald’s one night a week? He must be struggling financially if that’s the case.

Anyway as I said before I wouldn’t make her go. Other than the age gap, this particular eight year old sounds extremely obnoxious and annoying if she is literally wrestling your daughter’s phone from her hands. And her dad obviously isn’t willing to sort it properly.

Original poster
percypenguins · 08/08/2021 13:28

DD's step mum is also moaning about DD coming home early, and complaining about the fact I am letting her, in front of my DD. I've asked my ex to have a word with his wife about this, but I'm not sure whether he has or not.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 08/08/2021 13:29

I’m going to go against the grain here….

I have a 15 YO SD who was ‘forced’ (we now know) by her mum to do EOW contact. It was miserable for everyone - she clearly didn’t want to be at ours, was pretty unpleasant to be around, spent the whole weekend moody. Time & time again get dad asked her what was wrong and if she wanted to come and every time he’d get the answer ‘nothing’ and ‘yes’.

In January she stopped coming & hasn’t spoken to her dad since. We now know that her mum had told her that she had to come to ours as dad was forcing her (this wasn’t the case at all and her dad was more than willing to be flexible).

In this case, the SD isn’t mature and is a very young 15 YO. Like another poster said - I would be cautious about overestimating your daughters emotional maturity and her capacity to make decisions (that will affect her relationship with her dad).

Contact should be flexed so that it works for her but I'd be wary of reducing it - can the times be flexed so it works for her?

In our case (sadly) all contact has stopped (as she thinks she was forced to come & she now refuses to speak to her dad - much to her vitriolic mother’s amusement) and it’s so sad, it could of so been avoided to get to this.

JacquelineCarlyle · 08/08/2021 13:30

Can she not switch weekends then so that she goes to her dads when her step siblings aren't there? Even if she doesn't stay over but visits for the day or evening?

She's 15 so shouldn't be forced to do something she doesn't want to and agree that's it's up to her dad to persuade her to go, not for you to force her to.

NorthernSpirit · 08/08/2021 13:32

I would also add…. That her texting you asking to come home & you rushing over to pick her up is pandering to her and undermining her dad.

If she’s old enough to make the adult decision to reduce contact, she’s old enough to discuss her reasoning with her dad.

Original poster
percypenguins · 08/08/2021 13:33

@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap.

OP posts:
TheReluctantPhoenix · 08/08/2021 13:35

It is a tough one.

Only children of divorced parents have a choice whether to see siblings/step siblings etc. If you only have one home, you have to suck it up.

I guess, ultimately, it depends on the specifics. Her fathers is her home for the days of contact and, it seems unfair that he has to give in to her demands to see his daughter. On the other hand, if the step sister is being unfairly prioritised and she is not being listened to, that is not fair either.

It is all about the child’s ‘needs’, but these do not necessarily equate to short term ‘wants’.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 08/08/2021 13:37

I would take a step back and let your ex sort out the relationship he has going forward with your daughter. Just be a sounding board for her. At 15 she is old enough to express feelings.

Winemewhynot · 08/08/2021 13:37

God I don’t blame her at all, what teenager what’s an annoying 8yr old pestering her all weekend.

You’ve gave the dad options, he either addresses SS behaviour with the help of his wife, he meets DD out for the house for quality time or he risks losing his relationship with his daughter, the choice is his.

MrsMiddleMother · 08/08/2021 13:39

I'd be telling my 15 year old to just suck it up tbh. So she has an annoying stepsister to deal with for 4 nights a month, tell her she's always going to have annoying people to get on with.

tiredofthisshit21 · 08/08/2021 13:39

I think the room sharing is bad enough without adding in the fact that the step sister is irritating. I wouldn't make her go - she's old enough to decide for herself. She can maintain her relationship with him in other ways.

Kanaloa · 08/08/2021 13:40

How can she ‘discuss her reasoning’ with her dad? He says she should just suck it up and is unwilling to make even the basic compromises such as swapping weekends so his daughter can visit comfortably. To try and force her into going would damage their relationship even further. It is best to allow her some agency in where she goes as clearly the father and stepmother (while eager for her to visit) are unable/unwilling to parent the eight year old so she isn’t pestering constantly. An eight year old should know better than to snatch things from someone else’s hands and I don’t blame the 15yo for being totally fed up that she’s expected to ‘suck it up.’

Pinkyxx · 08/08/2021 13:41

I'd be wary of getting too involved, this is his issue to solve not yours - it's on him to build a relationship with his daughter not you. When the whole set up is geared to suit everyone else, and her step sister is allowed to behave the way you describe, I can understand she feels she's getting the rough end of the stick. While it's important to encourage her to see her Dad you can't and shouldn't force it. It's also important to remember that not all children gel or even want a relationship with their step family.

That said, I'm wondering how long contact has been in place and if this is a new thing?

hat.

Stormyequine · 08/08/2021 13:42

I think you should refuse to get involved in this, other than to be there to support your DD. It is an issue for her Dad to sort out with her. It's not fair that you are being dragged in and made responsible for something that is nothing to do with you. He is her parent too. He needs to work out how to parent her as a 15 year old with her own opinions, not make it your problem.

JacquelineCarlyle · 08/08/2021 13:44

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
In that case, leave him to it as it sounds like he's putting having a child free weekend ahead of his daughters feelings as that would easily rectify the situation if your DDs feelings and relationship truly mattered to him.

Leave it to him to come up with a solution and simply support your daughter in whatever she wants to do. I certainly wouldn't be forcing her to go or forcing her to stay for the entire time.

blahblahblah321 · 08/08/2021 13:44

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
So he's happy to potentially risk not seeing his daughter much at all then? Does he realised she does have a say now

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