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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 11:10

and the dc get to see their dad an extra night.

It’s not an extra night though? It’s just reinstating one of the nights they lost. They’re still a night down on their contact arrangement.

Blendiful · 05/08/2021 11:11

This is a tough one as it I think he has come up with a pretty good solution out of a rubbish situation. He could have just dumped it on you, and that I think would be wrong.

I had a similar situation that my DM was looking after my kids at my home, before I got with DP. When he moved in this continued for a while, but eventually DP said I’ll have them (they are older so don’t really need ‘looking after’ anymore, but need an adult around.

So this arrangement changed, I presume and half know this is because DP found it a little awkward having my DM in the house whilst he was there (he WFH). And as the kids are older she was a bit like a spare part. So that’s fine we changed the arrangement.

But I wouldn’t have had any other option, I couldn’t afford to pay out extra childcare on those days and the kids loved grandma picking them up too.

I think you probably have to make your own other arrangements, or just come home and be busy upstairs to have some space. It’s the kids home and MIL is doing a big favour. If she’s doing everything and is nice enough I think it’s just a case of plodding on.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/08/2021 11:12

What is wrong with the people on here. ‘Why did he take the job?’ Why do you bloody think? Such facetious people.
It’s the kids home. You can’t ask that they’re not there. You accepted his kids when you accepted him. No you’re not their mum, but you took in that responsibility, same way as we would tell any woman that a man had to accept her and her kids as a package.
Your idea of a handover with the mil seems the best option if you’re perfectly capable of looking after them. Accept that for just a few hours for two evenings a week you will have the kids in your house. It’s not that big a deal. Last thing you want to do is make them feel unwelcome in their own home. I understand why mil bring down them to yours. She is doing a big favour to your dh and his ex. And spending time with her grandkids. Tread very carefully here.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:14

It wasn't me who said you were lucky OP. I don't think your situation is lucky, it's not what I'd choose, but I wouldn't move in with someone who has children either.

FawnFrenchieMum · 05/08/2021 11:15

I think you are being really unreasonable here. Some many posts are that the man has changed something and doesnt sort out childcare or just expects DP/DW to sort it out. In this case he has sorted out his mother to look after his children in his own home and he is still being called unreasonable.

I also don't understand why you be more comfortable having a nanny in the house then your own MIL?

The EW absolutely shouldnt have to open up her home to her Ex-MIL purely because you don't want to and as someone said she should 'because they are her kids', they are also the OP's DH's kids.

Herja · 05/08/2021 11:15

There is 0% chance I would let my ExMil cross my threshold. I'd pretty happily alter child arrangements and increase maintenance to pay for additional childcare. I'd also view my ex as even more of a wanker than I already do; certainly it would affect our 'amicable' (politely fraught) co parenting. There is far more reason to have the MIL in OPs home than there is the ex wife's.

It's your home OP, yes. Obviously, telling your MIL that she makes you awkward and uncomfortable by being in your home will cause family fall out - how the hell could it not? I'd either suck it up or go out, rather than tell the kids they're not welcome in their own home, or your MIL that you can't tolerate her without her son there.

Cantthinkofabettername · 05/08/2021 11:17

@aiwblam this exactly as well

OP you seem to want it all your own way just so you leave a pair of knickers on your bathroom floor - I’m a step mum and my own children have had to live with their dad’s partners, he was lucky to have his mum (my ex MiL’s help). You’re lucky that she is there to help so the kids don’t have to go into childcare - they’re spending time in their own home with a family member. In the nicest possible way I’d get out of this relationship now as if you carry on like this things are only going to get a lot trickier and the children will begin to feel unwanted.

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:20

Crikey OP you've had a battering on here. Go to the step mum forum for more reasonable advice than all these bitter women who obviously have a problem with step mums.

It is the most thankless job in the world, I would NEVER get involved again with a man with children. You are totally NOT UNREASONABLE. You want to relax in your own home without someone else's mother and children there.

Dorisbonson · 05/08/2021 11:22

You are being incredibly beautiful ungrateful. You need to suck it up.

EskSmith · 05/08/2021 11:22

As your dp has compromised on one night I would compromise on the other. This is a great opportunity to build a relationship with your MIL and she sounds like a fabulous one sonid make the effort.

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 11:23

DP has explained to his MIL and she agreed it wasn't ideal so he's going to stay a Tuesday and something will be sorted for a Thursday

I thought it was his mum?

What does, ‘he is going to stay a Tuesday’ mean? He is still working away all week but can somehow now come back home on a Tuesday to see his children? Can’t he just do the same on a Thursday?

What else will be sorted for a Thursday if not? Am interested to know how this will be solved with ‘something will be sorted’-is it something that someone had suggested?

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:23

@dorisbonson what does suck it up mean in your opinion. What a dreadful expression!

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 11:24

You want to relax in your own home without someone else's mother and children there.

Oh come on!! You can’t really complain about the kids being there when you share home with someone who has kids!!

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:24

Yes, how far "away" is he working if he can now be at home on a Tuesday?

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 11:25

Thank you @MarcusRashford what is the other step mum forum? Is it also on Mumsnet?
I think i may have accidentally posted in the first wives club.
Yes it is a thankless task, luckily I've got a partner that makes it easier and understands. And of course a lovely MIL

OP posts:

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 11:27

No he'll stay until Tuesday evening and come back Saturday. Yes sorry his mum not his MIL

OP posts:

lastcall · 05/08/2021 11:27

I think you're bang out of order, sorry.

Those our your husband's days with his children. He is responsible for looking after them himself on those days, or making provision to do so. He could have used school clubs, private clubs, or childminder or family. He's picked family in his own home, as 1000s do.

Why do you think his children shouldn't be looked after in their own father's home on their days?

FFS.

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 11:30

@lastcall because it's our home not his home and I have a right to feel comfortable. Kids are greeted with open arms when they are here to spend time with their father. Not extra strain on me to facilitate DP and DMs jobs

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 11:30

@Carolinesturn

No he'll stay until Tuesday evening and come back Saturday. Yes sorry his mum not his MIL

He was working away Monday-Friday but now he doesn’t have to go away until Tuesday night, presumably to start work on Wednesday? He is lucky to have such a flexible job.

What’s the new plan for Thursday contact?

Nextchapterofmybook · 05/08/2021 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Woodmarsh · 05/08/2021 11:31

@lastcall because its OPS home too and it makes her feel uncomfortable ffs

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:31

@Carolinesturn - yes sadly there's very little support for step mums on Mumsnet as a whole, but the Step Parenting forum is a little better. I rarely posted on here when I was going through hell with my SC as it often made me feel worse to listen to these awful women with zero experience banging on about - why did you get with a man with children, ya ya ya,

Alternatively there's the childless step mother's forum (separate to mums net) this is quite a harsh forum where you can be totally honest on your feelings for your SC without being judged. I find it a little too harsh sometimes but worth a look.

ladycarlotta · 05/08/2021 11:32

I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that

So clean up?
Your partner's home should always be his children's home too, this awkwardness is something for you to handle gracefully, not make their problem. Really not ideal that he isn't about for 2 of his contact days but I understand taking an awkward job when you're desperate, and at least this means the kids have regular contact with their grandmother.

Sorry to say this, I get that the situation isn't ideal, but of all the people involved in it you are at the bottom of the order of importance.

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:34

@ladycarlotta are you forgetting it's also OPs home, in addition to her partner's and her SC's?

Cantthinkofabettername · 05/08/2021 11:34

Genuine question @Carolinesturn; are you planning on having children with your partner and if so, will you expect your MIL to make other arrangements with your joint children if she agrees to help with babysitting or childcare?

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