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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:
ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 10:19

Of course DP should be able to have his mother care for his children in his home and she should feel nothing but welcome. Of course DC should be able to spend time with their grandmother in their home. TBH doing that journey twice a week to help out her son is way beyond the call of duty for MIL.

Provided the house is kept routinely to a half decent standard (which is obviously as much his problem as yours) you really shouldn't be worrying about that.

If it's so bad, get yourself a gym membership or some other hobby that keeps you out of the house until later 2 days pw.

If there is an issue it's that he accepted the job without considering childcare. Didn't you discuss that beforehand?

Regularchoice · 05/08/2021 10:19

Don't offer to do the childcare and do not pay for a nanny! For your own sake!

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 10:20

Yes I think an after school club is the best option

Finding an after school club that goes on till after 7pm through term and holiday times won’t be easy.

Your DH needs a new job ASAP.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 10:20

That's a good idea @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I did think I could just go to my mums for a bit but

OP posts:
Elouera · 05/08/2021 10:22

Why can the change the days he gets his kids to suit his new job? Surely he considered this before taking the new job?

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 10:23

I just wonder if I can deal with possibly 10 years of it, I suppose I was just venting but maybe I should put the brakes on the conversation.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 10:26

@Carolinesturn

I just wonder if I can deal with possibly 10 years of it, I suppose I was just venting but maybe I should put the brakes on the conversation.
Put the brakes on?

What do you propose happens to the children instead? Our after school club shuts at 5pm-and it’s term time only!

If you have children with this man and he leaves you and moves with someone else and says that he can no longer have them for most of his contact days, would you feel differently to him than you do now?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/08/2021 10:27

Your DH shouldn't have taken on a job which makes it impossible to see his own children and meet the commitments he already has. This is squarely on him.
It's not fair to ask the mum to put the kids into additional childcare - she finishes work at 7pm so that would be very difficult for her to arrange, not fair on the children and it isn't her responsibility to solve - he's the one who has changed agreed arrangements.
Honestly, idk what he was thinking in taking this job.
As awkward as it is for you, the children are family, their dads home is their home too and so you have to learn to live with having them/mil in your home. Be grateful she's respectful and tidy and isn't leaving you with a mess to sort out. You can't ask mil not to bring them home. If you make this massive favour she's doing for your DH too difficult, she's going to tell him to find alternative childcare, which puts him up shit creek because it's not that easy.

Frannibananni · 05/08/2021 10:28

YABU. Essentially she is a free babysitter for his kids at the times he is responsible for them. I think either suck it up or offer to help, anything else you will come off as looking bad.

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2021 10:29

Why can't she take them to thier own home?

Fullofglee · 05/08/2021 10:32

Maybe you made the mistake of moving in together so soon with him having dc in the mix. He was wrong to consider new job if he was going to effect his long standing commitment to having his dc. When my ex took another job he discussed it with me first about picking ds later, after a while he applied for flexible hours where he could get ds but work longer on another day he didn't have him. His mil was happy to help but you have an issue with it.

PanamaPattie · 05/08/2021 10:32

You haven’t answered the question - why doesn’t MIL take the DC to their other house and wait for their DM to come home? What is the point of them coming to your house if they are not going to see their DF?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/08/2021 10:32

Mil can't really take the kids back to their mums house. Ex wife might not want her former mil in her home two days every week just because the children's dad has made this work choice

Queenfreak · 05/08/2021 10:34

Usually I agree with the step parent on here, or at least see their point of view. In this case I think you are being very unreasonable. Your DP has to work, his EW has to work. Your DP has found a way to keep everyone happy, and you are being quite selfish. It's 2 evenings a week. We all have to do things we aren't so keen on. Either find something else that works for you- go swimming, see a friend, work longer hours one evening so you can offset on a Friday and have a early finish, sit and read, or you can just suck it up.

Quartz2208 · 05/08/2021 10:34

The problem is that his new job has created a childcare situation (as the mum appears to be working as well) that is either solved by paid childcare or your MIL. And you cant really expect her to go to her house (or the children).

With the job he has taken on this is the best solution for the children Im afraid. And paid childcare - 7pm is a very late pick up Afterschool clubs/childminders usually end earlier so it is probably something like a Nanny - who guess what would be in your house as well! And expensive and difficult to get

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2021 10:35

I don’t know any after school clubs that would be open that late.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/08/2021 10:35

Also maybe mil wouldn't feel comfortable in the ex wife's home. Remember, she is the one doing a huge favour, she's entitled to some consideration of her comfort too

candycane222 · 05/08/2021 10:37

Your dp has kids so he should be making himself available to them. This job has to be a temporary arrangement (not for 10 years!!). If you accept this from him long-term and have kids of your own, you will doubtless end up running after your own kids and the sdcs. Which is fine, but only if you are happy about it

If he is happy to let his women folk take up the slack long term , take that as a warning for the future.

Elouera · 05/08/2021 10:37

Does the ex wife even know that its actually ex MIL minding the kids now 2 days a week???

ancientgran · 05/08/2021 10:38

I'd hate it. I'm assuming she has a key to your house and is there with the kids for a couple of hours before you get home? I'm really private and couldn't cope with that.

I can see it is difficult but I sympathise as it isn't ideal.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 10:39

I'd be very happy for MIL to go to EW house and wait there but I'd imagine that would cause the same awkwardness, they get on absolutely fine but would you want your exMIL in your house for 3/4 hours? Maybe she'll just have to put up with it one night a week and me the other, I feel sorry for MIL and I know the relationship has only been 2 years but it's still my life that I'm living right now... 2 years or 10 what difference does that make

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/08/2021 10:41

@Bimblybomeyelash

Sorry but I think you are being out of order. Of course this is going to cause an upset! Why do your feelings trump everyone else’s?
Erm… cos it’s her home and mil could take the kids to exw home?
MzHz · 05/08/2021 10:43

@ancientgran

I'd hate it. I'm assuming she has a key to your house and is there with the kids for a couple of hours before you get home? I'm really private and couldn't cope with that.

I can see it is difficult but I sympathise as it isn't ideal.

Ditto. I wouldn’t have it either

It’s intrusive.

MsPavlichenko · 05/08/2021 10:44

Why should they go to EW home on his night? This is your DP’s issue to resolve. He took the job knowing he needed to cover child care. He should at the very least have run it by you in the first instance.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 10:44

Why would MIL take the children to their mother's home on the days the days their father is responsible for them?

That means mum will provide after school food for a start.