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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 11:35

@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up

OP posts:

Flyingantday · 05/08/2021 11:40

[quote Carolinesturn]@lastcall because it's our home not his home and I have a right to feel comfortable. Kids are greeted with open arms when they are here to spend time with their father. Not extra strain on me to facilitate DP and DMs jobs[/quote]
I think this might be the crux of it. You have your lovely home for you and your partner (good for you) but you see your partners kids as visitors, rather than it being their home (where they actually live) for however many days/nights a week. That doesn’t mean you have to take on parental responsibility for them, and it is entirely Ew/DP responsibility to negotiate contact and childcare arrangements, but you can’t make it seem that the kids are only welcome when DP is at home.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:40

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
Oh. You think it's a good thing he values his new partner ahead of his children? I seriously recommend you don't have children with this man then.

Shad0w · 05/08/2021 11:42

Woodmarsh · 05/08/2021 11:42

@flyingantday I'm not sure she is, it's more that it also involves MIL being there and I know so people have great relationships with their MIL but I really wouldn't want mine in my home when I wasn't there

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:42

Oh dear first wives club in full swing. It's a dreadful thing for them to have to hear that a new wife/gf comes first in their former husband's life, but very very true in most cases.

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 11:42

@Flyingantday when they are at ours they are there for contact with their father, anything else is childcare which the ex wife gets paid a large monthly allowance for

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 11:42

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Ozanj · 05/08/2021 11:44

The alternative is that either you or your DH change your hours to pick them up or pay a nanny to do it. You can’t just push your problem onto your mil or the children’s mum.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/08/2021 11:44

Just go out those 2 days a week

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 11:44

@Carolinesturn

I'm not lucky *@ExpressDelivery* he is! Nothing about this situation makes me 'lucky' Anyway update! DP has explained to his MIL and she agreed it wasn't ideal so he's going to stay a Tuesday and something will be sorted for a Thursday. Anyway I'm glad I did say something as you've got to start as you mean to go on, and the dc get to see their dad an extra night. I think maybe this will be the last step parent post I'll put on and trust my own feelings. No one knows my situation like I do and when I explained it to my friends they all thought it was an imposition. I love my partner and we have a great future together but i know there will be comprises on all sides! Thanks everyone

You have been unlucky on here OP. It's a landmine and I think you have won the SM bingo on here had had most of the usual SM shaming comments. People have really forgotten the be kind and Carole flack situation so very quickly...

Weird that although this wasn't a situation you chose re DH working hours your still somehow to blame. I really despair sometimes.

Remember on this board you absolutely have to remember there's the kids (SC), Ex, DH, animals, pond germs and then you at the bottom of the list in terms of priority and allowances to have feelings that maybe considered negative. Don't even mention any children you have with DH because they also are at bottom of list and you should be ok with this because you knew what you were getting into. The flip side of this is that you assumed you were getting into being a SM to two child who already have two fully fledged parents. Which means you shouldn't have to fill any void.

I think it's ok to feel a bit uncomfortable, no I don't think the only option is to move out 🙄, no I don't think that you have to vanish because DH has created a fairly awkward situation and it's not one you have to solve or pay for ?!?

I do however I think it's down to DH to be prioritising spending time with his kids over work and shouldn't be passing them off to DG or anyone actually. He needs to find a workable solution and treat his partner like he's in a partnership. Just because your a SM doesn't mean your a doormat with no emotions, weird how the shaming always tries to stamp that out. It wouldn't be done with any of the other members of the family group.

Weird how it's always the SM (funnily enough never step dads) that end up picking up the slack for parental lacking on both or either side and gets beaten with it for crossing lines. All the work and none of the teeth, joy or understanding that goes into just trying your best.

This is a problem caused by DH and needs to be solved by DH which means changing contact days with DC so he can you know have contact with them. This wasn't your choice and you maybe limited on what you can do on it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/08/2021 11:44

Absolutely not unreasonable OP. I am so glad that you got it sorted in your favour.

Branleuse · 05/08/2021 11:44

cant they get a childminder?

HoppingPavlova · 05/08/2021 11:44

ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up

Sorry, are you saying your DH told you that you come over and above his kids? Wow.

I don’t have an exDH and my DH didn’t come with kids so I don’t have any skin in the game in regards to bio parents vs step parents vs split house arrangements etc. I am however a parent and if what you say is correct then I would recommend you never ever have kids with your DH. Christ, if my DH had if ever told me that I came above our kids I would have been horrified, not smug and pleased as that’s not a great dad and certainly not the dad I want for my kids!

I imagine your MIL also feels extremely uncomfortable with the situation, I would in her shoes! Did either of you give her any consideration in this regard or she didn’t factor?

Woodmarsh · 05/08/2021 11:45

@MarcusRashford agreed. I've pmd you hope you don't mind

Shad0w · 05/08/2021 11:46

@MarcusRashford

And step mums who say they're happy coming behind someone else's kids need their heads looking at.

I've been with DP for 12 years. His DS is now 15 and not once have I or would I expect to be more important than his son.

I am loved by DP and very important to him and I have an amazing bond with DSS but children should always be in my opinion first priority to their parents.

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 11:46

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
You know I was @ “we have a great future together”. I thought it sounded like an odd phrase to say rather than “we have a great (current) life together” but the above just confirms what I thought. You are very insecure in this relationship OP.

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 11:46

@Ozanj

The alternative is that either you or your DH change your hours to pick them up or pay a nanny to do it. You can’t just push your problem onto your mil or the children’s mum.

It needs to go back to the root of the problem and causer of the problem DH.

OP doesn't have to do anything. She can chose to do that if that's what she wants to do re hours but no she doesn't have to nor does she have to pay.

Tiredoftattler · 05/08/2021 11:48

I think that the OP 's handling of the situation has set up a process that will result in her later complaining that the MIL invites the ex to family events at her home and only visits or wants them to visit when
ALL of her grandchildren can be present.

The OP will not likely recall that she initiated this critically important lesson of being the mistress in one's home and having her comfort be the determining factor as to who and when someone should be present in the house. The ex will probably be considered the grateful and gracious recipient of help and assistance.

I think this relationship with the MIL will indeed go just as the OP has started it. Sometimes, in winning the battle you can lose the war.

NewlyGranny · 05/08/2021 11:48

The shared parenting arrangements are the issue here! Both of the DSC's parents are at fault here for not communicating before the snarl-up really took hold.

It's lovely of MiL to step in, but using OP's house as the base when neither patent is ever going to be there is a crazy arrangement.

The parents need to get their heads together and do some proper parenting. Was OP even consulted about an arrangement that means coming home twice a week to find her MiL playing house in her house?

However much OP lives her DSC and her MiL, this is not a sustainable arrangement. Whoever is having favours done for them, it is not OP! Ultimately, the children are not her responsibility. They have two parents, one of whom has double-booked himself and imposed on two womenpeople who love him to pick up the slack.

What happens when MiL gets sick? Who among the three workers will be expected to drop everything to accommodate the other two?

Those scenarios needed to be discussed and agreed with everyone concerned and it seems unlikely they have been.

MzHz · 05/08/2021 11:48

The EW absolutely shouldnt have to open up her home to her Ex-MIL purely because you don't want to and as someone said she should 'because they are her kids', they are also the OP's DH's kids.

Who isn’t even there…

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 11:48

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
I wonder how you’d feel if in a few years time, this boyfriend of yours told a new girlfriend that she was more important to him than your children together?

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 11:49

@NewlyGranny

The shared parenting arrangements are the issue here! Both of the DSC's parents are at fault here for not communicating before the snarl-up really took hold.

It's lovely of MiL to step in, but using OP's house as the base when neither patent is ever going to be there is a crazy arrangement.

The parents need to get their heads together and do some proper parenting. Was OP even consulted about an arrangement that means coming home twice a week to find her MiL playing house in her house?

What happens when MiL gets sick? Who among the three workers will be expected to drop everything to accommodate the other two?

Those scenarios needed to be discussed and agreed with everyone concerned and it seems unlikely they have been.

^^ this all of this

Cantthinkofabettername · 05/08/2021 11:49

Sorry @Carolinesturn I think you missed my question - if you have kids with your partner and your MiL helps out with babysitting or childcare, are you expecting her to find somewhere else to take your children as you are asking her to do with your partners children?

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