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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:
anniegun · 05/08/2021 11:49

I think you need to end this relationship. You obviously haven't factored in your DPs kids into this relationship and it is totally unfair on them

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 11:51

eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up

From this it sounds like you’re well suited. Poor kids.

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:51

@Shad0w I'm glad to hear you have a positive step parenting experience. Sadly that wasn't the case with me and I speak from my own experience. Other people's children and their parents would NEVER put anyone ahead of them, so I fail to see why any self respecting SM would put her SC ahead of herself.

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 11:51

@anniegun

I think you need to end this relationship. You obviously haven't factored in your DPs kids into this relationship and it is totally unfair on them
Oh give over. Literally. DH caused this issue. DH is disregarding the contact time with his kids. And it's OPs fault 🙄🙄
ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:52

So you've asked him who's most important, you or DC? And he said you were?

Oh OP, this is a sad situation situation for you to have got yourself into.

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:52

This reply has been deleted

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ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/08/2021 11:53

Surely his kids came before you arrived in the scene. You took up with a man with parental responsibilities. His kids should always come first.
Your bragging that your partner is a shitty father in that’ you come before his kids’.
Don’t have kids with this man.
I would tell
Any man that he took with a woman with kids - the whole package.
You are showing your true colours the more you respond here. Maybe the kids would be better in care instead of at ‘your’ home.
You clearly have no place for them in ‘your’ home. Those poor kids. Probably better off without the pair of you. That’s probably why your dh mum sticks around on those days.

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 11:55

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

Surely his kids came before you arrived in the scene. You took up with a man with parental responsibilities. His kids should always come first. Your bragging that your partner is a shitty father in that’ you come before his kids’. Don’t have kids with this man. I would tell Any man that he took with a woman with kids - the whole package. You are showing your true colours the more you respond here. Maybe the kids would be better in care instead of at ‘your’ home. You clearly have no place for them in ‘your’ home. Those poor kids. Probably better off without the pair of you. That’s probably why your dh mum sticks around on those days.
This wasn't the OP that said that.... it was a different poster. Read the thread correctly before saying stuff like that would you
QuimReaper · 05/08/2021 11:55

Glad you got this sorted OP. I'm a little confused by the setup - presumably the children are not at school, so your MIL collects them from their mother's house in the morning when she leaves for work; how does she end up at your house in the evening until their mother is home?! I'd have thought it would make more sense for all three of them to use her home as their base whilst she's at work?

Anyway, you aren't at all unreasonable to feel the way you do and I'm glad it was peacefully resolved.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:55

@MarcusRashford

Boom I think step mum bingo has full set on this thread. Well done to the first wives club, a full house.
I'm not a first wife, but I think the way OP is pleased that she believes she comes before his children is appalling.

I think that as a daughter, not a parent or a wife.

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 11:56

Surely his kids came before you arrived in the scene

Exactly!

I wonder at what point step mums expect to be bumped up to priority over the existing kids? First date? First shag? 6 month-iversary? Moving in together?

To be then bumped immediately back down again if the man gets a new girlfriend/baby?!

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:56

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Quartz2208 · 05/08/2021 11:57

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
But he shouldn't be putting you first OP - that should be his children.

Have you seen the clip of Max Whitlock's daughter greeting him and his wife letting her - because she is the most important person to greet him first.

Plus he took a job that took him away all week - and now suddenly he can stay until Tuesday evening?

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 11:57

@ExpressDelivery so you say it with zero experience of how it feels to be the outsider in the hideous world of step parenting?

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 11:58

*Both of the DSC's parents are at fault here for not communicating before the snarl-up really took hold.^

It's lovely of MiL to step in, but using OP's house as the base when neither patent is ever going to be there is a crazy arrangement.

The parents need to get their heads together and do some proper parenting.

I’m not sure it’s the mother’s fault? It’s the father’s parenting time and he arranged his own childcare which is his mother.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2021 11:59

@MotionActivatedDog

“Hi Mum, thanks for travelling for almost 2 hours twice a week to look after my children for free so I can continue to earn. It’s great that you are able to have them in our house as they have all their stuff there and can be comfortable. However, DW would like to leave her knickers in the bathroom so could you go and hang around the park for 5 hours with two small children from now on. I’ll buy you a coat for the winter. Thanks, your loving son.”
Exactly. Op’s username says it all really.

This is the children’s home.

Branleuse · 05/08/2021 11:59

@MarcusRashford

And step mums who say they're happy coming behind someone else's kids need their heads looking at.
theyre their partners kids though. Not someone elses. Anyone that puts their new partner ahead of their own children is a shit. This doesnt mean treating the partner badly or disrespectfully or expecting them to do loads of childcare,
ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:59

[quote MarcusRashford]@ExpressDelivery so you say it with zero experience of how it feels to be the outsider in the hideous world of step parenting?[/quote]
But not of how it affects the children.

NewlyGranny · 05/08/2021 12:00

Just RTFT and glad to see OP asserting herself! I'm not a stepmother but DD2 is, and the assumptions about her rôle that were made by her DH, his EW and his DM were quite shocking.

DD and the then-fiancé had discussed and agreed her level of involvement before they married, but once they bought a house together and settled, everything changed. DH's response was essentially, "I know what we agreed, but I thought you'd change your mind."

So basically he had his fingers crossed behind his back the whole time!

LuxOlente · 05/08/2021 12:00

I dunno, I can't really work the post out. You don't like her bringing the children to their father's home, which is also your home?

I guess don't date a man with kids if you don't like the idea of Nan bringing the kids home after school. This is family life. Sounds like a nice one.

MarcusRashford · 05/08/2021 12:00

@ExpressDelivery but still with zero knowledge of the OP's position!

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 12:01

Yes OP, why is it that it can now be so easily arranged that he can be there on Tues? Wasn't that the best first solution?

LuxOlente · 05/08/2021 12:01

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
What a great man he must be, to prize a girlfriend over his own children.

ShippingNews · 05/08/2021 12:01

I feel sorry for the MIL ! Poor woman being told she has to do this twice a week for ....possibly years ? Driving 40-50 minutes to pick them up, take them to yours, make dinner etc, then take them back to their mother's place . Gee she is the loser in this situation !

Antwerpen · 05/08/2021 12:03

Get a grip OP Hmm