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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:

LilacBridge · 06/08/2021 10:49

Something to also consider is that if there is any chance you may have children you could then want or need MIL to babysit sometimes, which would be a very awkward situation if you've banned her from babysitting 2 of his kids at his house but then want her to look after your joint one.

Nocutenamesleft · 06/08/2021 11:12

@Carolinesturn

All I can say on the matter of adults putting DCs first When someone chooses to leave their spouse and children (when that spouse is a reasonable fair person) that person makes the first step in putting themselves before their children. Many many studies have shown that children grow up happier with both their parents living under the same roof (please don't give me the drug abusers and wife beaters as an example, they are the exception) So when my DP left his perfectly nice but completely loveless marriage he put himself before his children, I don't want to hear the 'oh better to be happy apart than together for the children' it's not true! So if you've left a relationship with children because you're not happy, cold hard truth, you put yourself first. Also it's important to point out this leads me to why it's so important to love your partner and treat them like an equal both to yourself and to children in the household. A happy relationship is an important example to children in the household and also if you stay together your children will grow into more rounded happier adults! So love your partners guys and put them first sometimes, everyone will benefit

That’s not how it works….

Howshouldibehave · 06/08/2021 11:17

@Quartz2208

Oh OP I think it is very clear from your posts that there is only one number one in your partners life and it isnt you. It is HIMSELF.

Everything he has seemed to have said and done puts himself as the centre of the universe. His loveless marriage was presumably his wife prioritising the needs of his children rather than him. So he left and at some point met you (although I suspect there was some overlap).

He is now feeding you the line that you are the most important because HE wants to remain the most important. And it has worked. All your posts here are about how the partner must be prioritised over the children and that is the most important relationship. All designed I suspect to keep you in line when the baby has been born.

Now he had/s his freedom during the week and you at the weekend - if he is self employed how on earth did that come about.

This sums it up, I think!!

Nocutenamesleft · 06/08/2021 11:22

I’ve been the child in that exact situation. Dad looked after me at his house. Then his girlfriend moved in. It all changed. I couldn’t go to my house. Because she was more important than me.

It damaged me behind repair really. To know your own father put her before me. Was devastating. Our relationship never recovered. Eventually my father came to resent the damage she’d done to our relationship. We were so close. All of us. Step mother included. But over time it eroded away.

If he’s a good man. The exact same thing will start to happen. They now stay married. But they don’t love each other. I don’t care. My fathers tried to rectify the relationship. But nope. He made his call.

Youseethethingis · 06/08/2021 11:27

Dad looked after me at his house
This whole thread is about the MIL looking after the kids at the Dad's/OPs house.
Now the kids will see more of their Dad, not less.

user1493494961 · 06/08/2021 11:32

I don't think your relationship will last OP.

aSofaNearYou · 06/08/2021 11:33

@user1493494961

I don't think your relationship will last OP.

What useful feedback.

bogoffmda · 06/08/2021 12:13

"A happy relationship is an important example to children in the household and also if you stay together your children will grow into more rounded happier adults! So love your partners guys and put them first sometimes, everyone will benefit"

From some one who is not married and has not got kids - you are beyond patronising OP and I feel sorry for the children involved. MIL is a saint for driving that far to look after the DGCS twice per week . Their father and you are both selfish

HoppingPavlova · 06/08/2021 12:14

I doubt anyone would have the brass neck to ask their DM/MIL to babysit their kids in their house after telling her she was not welcome to mind their other DC/DSC in their house!

OverTheRubicon · 06/08/2021 18:57

[quote Blondeshavemorefun]@slashlover coz it’s the kids Home

What is the point going to dads if he isn’t there

Assume mil goes when op or ew is home

Ex is at work[/quote]
Their father's home is also their home. That's a fundamental issue here.

Iwantatrio · 06/08/2021 19:12

No one is doing the OP a “favour” they aren’t her kids?!?!

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/08/2021 19:23

Their father's home is also their home. That's a fundamental issue here.

You might want to dial back on that if all he can afford without SM is a room in a shared house.

OverTheRubicon · 06/08/2021 19:28

@SpaceshiptoMars

Their father's home is also their home. That's a fundamental issue here.

You might want to dial back on that if all he can afford without SM is a room in a shared house.

Op already mentioned his 'professional job and high wages' and that in addition to his own costs, he's paying the mortgage on the ex's 4 bed house, so doesn't sound like he'd be in a house share without OP, no.

SpaceshiptoMars · 06/08/2021 19:40

Depending where that house is, it could be making a massive dent in his 'professional' income! Depend on it, the OP's income will be significantly improving the quality of life of his DCs.

You might not like it, but she has power in this situation too.

OverTheRubicon · 06/08/2021 22:59

@SpaceshiptoMars

Depending where that house is, it could be making a massive dent in his 'professional' income! Depend on it, the OP's income will be significantly improving the quality of life of his DCs.

You might not like it, but she has power in this situation too.

It's not about what I like, nor about her power. It's about his responsibility as a father, and the OP acknowledging that. All I said was that the father's house should also be considered the children's home after a separation - that's hardly controversial, but you said to 'dial back' and suggested that he might be in a room in a share house without the OP, which is mightily unlikely in a highly paid job.

The OP's income is not significantly improving the lives of his DCs if it means either he has to drop hours, and/or they get to see a loving grandmother less and go to after school club more. Even if he were somehow impoverished by his support to his ex if he lived alone, then that's absolutely going to be negotiable with CMS or even in the courts if needed. Far more likely that someone who OP says is selfish and puts his partner of 2 years before his DC is paying either (a) what he can comfortably afford or (b) if overpaying, is doing so because his partner is making up the shortfall, which isn't fair to OP, or because he feels guilt over leaving, quite likely for OP given the 2 year relationship and 2 years since walking out on his ex.

In any of these cases, I don't really see that the extra money is improving the lives of his DC enough to outweigh the negative impact of living with someone who doesn't want them around.

candlelightsatdawn · 07/08/2021 03:47

@OverTheRubicon some rather massive and wide sweeping assumptions there in this post. I absolutely love how by methods of "deduction" you have said OP is the OW and essentially a home wrecker because they have been together for 2 years 🥴

And heck maybe all you have posted is correct, but it reads very much like projection. Spaceship was right you do need to dial back.

OverTheRubicon · 07/08/2021 08:40

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@OverTheRubicon some rather massive and wide sweeping assumptions there in this post. I absolutely love how by methods of "deduction" you have said OP is the OW and essentially a home wrecker because they have been together for 2 years 🥴

And heck maybe all you have posted is correct, but it reads very much like projection. Spaceship was right you do need to dial back.

This thread gets wilder and wilder in terms of the hate/ assumptions OPs getting here. Op not even returned and it's still going. The whole be kind/Caroline flack movement all skipped you guys right 🤯[/quote]
Spaceship said to 'dial back' because I said that the children should be able to consider their father's house their home also. That's a pretty low bar to dial back from.

candlelightsatdawn · 07/08/2021 08:46

@OverTheRubicon so you jumped and insinuated the OP was the other women and the cause of all this mess ? 🤯

She said dial back because we don't know the arrangements of the OP living arrangements and people were making assumptions left right and centre.

bogoffmda · 07/08/2021 15:28

OP - your partner does not have his kids round - this is their home. Something you obviously do not recognise.

crabette · 27/08/2021 14:05

Wow OP, sorry you've taken such a beating.

I love my DSD dearly, and happily work with my DH on childcare arrangements etc.

I also have a lovely MIL!

That being said, I'd HATE my MIL being in my house without me in it, even for doing such a big favour.

There's a big difference between not wanting your DP's children in your home, and not wanting your MIL there without you. I totally see the distinction, and think your feelings are really valid. Glad you've sorted it out to some extent.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 27/08/2021 19:35

Oh I wouldn't like this... if his kids need looking after it's fine the grandma do it but not in your home with you there.
I would say no; can they not do after school clubs instead to save the grandma. Alternatively can't the grandma not take the children to their house with their mum?
I would put a stop to this, I wouldn't accept it

mummytotwoboys0600 · 27/08/2021 19:45

Why is it the children's home with their father. People are always so defence towards step parents. Me and my partner own our home; we purchased last year. My partners children stay once a week. This is very much my home. I see his children as "coming to stay with their dad". Children have a home with their mum.
My son lives with me 26 nights a month and 4 nights a month with his dad. This is his home, a home isn't where he stays once a week? Why do people always assume step mums are out to push our step children. It's simply not the case however; we are not less important than the children.

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