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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/08/2021 10:44

But hey… she knew what she was getting into, and if she didn’t want mil letting herself into her home with someone else’s kids she shouldn’t have got with a bloke with kids…

Step mother = put up with all manner of things and be grateful/know your place.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/08/2021 10:46

pinkyredrose
Why can't she take them to thier own home?

This is their home. Their home with their father.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 10:46

Did he not have another job and took this out of desperation or did he choose to leave a more convenient job for this one?

StarryNight468 · 05/08/2021 10:46

If your main issue is about things not being clean enough before MIL arrives then your dp should clean up Mon and Wed evening.

I love love love my MIL and wouldn't have an issue with the arrangement your DP has sorted out. I'd be glad he didn't ask if I could pick up sdc. But you're allowed to not like something and instead of putting this on MIL or what house she looks after dc your dp should be looking for a different job ASAP.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 10:47

The child care is just access he pays a huge amount a month, it pays her mortgage on a large 4 bed house. It's not a 50/50 split incase anyone thought that

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/08/2021 10:47

then your dp should clean up Mon and Wed evening

Did you read the thread? The dh works away in the week. That is how this whole scenario came about

StarryNight468 · 05/08/2021 10:48

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz obviously not! Blush

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 10:49

Erm… cos it’s her home and mil could take the kids to exw home?

Why would the EW want this to happen in her home either?

This is the DH’s responsibility to solve, but he has fucked it up by taking a job meaning he can’t look after his own kids on his contact days and now his Ex, new girlfriend and mum are trying to find ways to solve the problem he’s caused, at no inconvenience to him!

MzHz · 05/08/2021 10:49

It goes like this:

“ExW, Dp here, I’m now working during the week obviously including the afternoons I’m supposed to be collecting the kids when you’re working late. rather than leave you in the lurch, my mum can come get them and mind then at yours till you get back, and I can make up the time I miss with them whenever works best another time.”

Contact is for kids to see him, mil at a push.

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 10:50

The child care is just access

‘Just’ access?!!! Wow.

MzHz · 05/08/2021 10:51

Why would the EW want this to happen in her home either?

Because they’re her kids? And it’s better than her not being able to work or pay a childminder to collect them…

texasss · 05/08/2021 10:51

Go to the gym twice a week so you arrive home the same time as DP.

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 10:52

@texasss

Go to the gym twice a week so you arrive home the same time as DP.
‘D’P works away all week.
Fullofglee · 05/08/2021 10:53

Carolinesturn

The child care is just access he pays a huge amount a month, it pays her mortgage on a large 4 bed house. It's not a 50/50 split incase anyone thought that

So he doesn't have them.50 percent of the time and the childcare is actually his access time. How much does he see them? It's not down the dm to resolve and it's totally unfair for mil to be at her home when they are suppose to be at their df house for access. 2 years is a short time I don't understand when you said what's the difference between 2 years to 10 years. You've got yourself involved with a man with two young dc one was 2 at the time and the other 6 years old you then decided to move in with him. Your dp hasn't put childcare on you and asked his dm to help but your still not happy. Its not the mil is all down to your dp. You need to ask yourself is this the life you want, his dc are always going to be round and this issues will happen. Good that he does pay maintenance and it goes through the upkeep of the dc.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 10:54

Maybe as time goes on I can take over child care but equally I don't want to reduce my hours and work as a chil minder so exW and DP keep their professional jobs and high wages

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 05/08/2021 10:55

I think your being unfair this is his dc home and your mil is helping out its not as if she lives close by and can take them to hers. I agree with this, but would add its as much dcs' home as it is yours and your dp's.
At the end of the day, theses aren't the first parents to have full time jobs and need help with child care. If he only saw the children once or twice a week then I would say he is being crap, but if its a 40% for example shared custody, then he's still got to work. Its brilliant that is grandma is helping with child care so they don't have to go to strangers, its a shame she doesn't live closer, I'm sure she would be much more comfortable in her own home too, but I don't really see what the solution is in the circumstances you have.

MojoJojo71 · 05/08/2021 10:57

Why did he take on this new role if it meant not seeing his kids during the week? Poor kids. The access arrangements should have been discussed properly before he agreed to do it.

Saidtoomuch · 05/08/2021 10:58

Just reread op, and I had misunderstood about contact and him working away etc, so scrap what I said there.

Fullofglee · 05/08/2021 10:58

Why is the dm at fault op she had her job around your dp having access it's down to him to sort not her.

aiwblam · 05/08/2021 10:59

I can see why you find it difficult to relax. However, the thing is that nobody here is behaving unreasonably, particularly your MIL. She’s doing a lot of driving and spending a lot of time helping with the kids. The use of your house is probably the only thing that’s making it bearable for her - it’s awful to essentially be a prisoner in the car with no access to toilets/general comforts.

On that basis, I think you would be unreasonable to try to put a stop to this situation. If this kind of thing is problematic for you (which I am not judging you for and do understand) then you probably need to think carefully about your future with this man. This kind of issue is not going to go away, it will just change into different ones.

Cantthinkofabettername · 05/08/2021 10:59

Exactly what @ExpressDelivery says. This is the children’s home and you are lucky that you have your MiL available to help her son out. It’s not an ideal situation and simply finding another job in the current circumstances isn’t as easy as some people seem to think it is.

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 11:05

I think you can put up with it twice a week, op, especially as mother in law does everything and you like her. Don't leave any dirty laundry in the bathroom, there's no need. You're worrying about nothing.

It won't be forever. I know they aren't your children but sometimes compromises have to be made.

Woodmarsh · 05/08/2021 11:05

@Cantthinkofabettername why is OP lucky they have MIL to help out?

OP you are not being unreasonable, I would be having a chat with DP to come up with a better solution, one that doesn't suit everyone except you. If he is unwilling to do that I would be having a long hard think

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 11:06

“Hi Mum, thanks for travelling for almost 2 hours twice a week to look after my children for free so I can continue to earn. It’s great that you are able to have them in our house as they have all their stuff there and can be comfortable. However, DW would like to leave her knickers in the bathroom so could you go and hang around the park for 5 hours with two small children from now on. I’ll buy you a coat for the winter. Thanks, your loving son.”

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 11:08

I'm not lucky @ExpressDelivery he is! Nothing about this situation makes me 'lucky'
Anyway update! DP has explained to his MIL and she agreed it wasn't ideal so he's going to stay a Tuesday and something will be sorted for a Thursday. Anyway I'm glad I did say something as you've got to start as you mean to go on, and the dc get to see their dad an extra night. I think maybe this will be the last step parent post I'll put on and trust my own feelings. No one knows my situation like I do and when I explained it to my friends they all thought it was an imposition. I love my partner and we have a great future together but i know there will be comprises on all sides! Thanks everyone

OP posts: