AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

[Carolinesturn]

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible

Where is he going to ask her to take his children instead?

What does EW stand for?

Sorry but I think you are being out of
order. Of course this is going to cause an upset! Why do your feelings trump
everyone else’s?

I think you are being pretty unreasonable and so is he. Why did he take this role? How do his kids feel about missing out on most of their time with their Dad. Given the situation what do you expect his mother to do with his children? I am wondering what you see as the future with him and his kids? Would you prefer to look after the children yourself?

Oh I totally get where you’re coming from, but I think I would put up with it twice a week.
If it was every day it would be different.
How old are the DSCs? Is this likely to go on for years?

@Howshouldibehave I presume ex wife

EW = Ex-wife. Took me a while to work it out too!

You’re going to have to suck it up OP. Your MIL is doing your DP a huge favour.

But they are being cared for in THEIR home because dad can't look after them there and presumably you don't want to. Do you see it as being equally their home or do you see them as visitors? Either keep going until you feel comfier, go out and meet with a friend or look after them yourself. Or put your foot down and say no but be honest they are only visitors.

Surely if she minded the kids at her house, then either you or your partner would need to do a 100min round trip to collect them?

Why did he take a job when the hours don't suit?

I'd personally hate this too, but what other choice are you proposing?

He can't ask her to still have them but not bring them to yours, where would she go? It's unreasonable to expect her to take them to hers then bring them back later, Twice a week it's a bit far to drag the kids there and back. Also unreasonable to expect her to stay out of your house until DP is home, she can't go to the park or a cafe for hours twice a week.

She could bring them to yours, then you take over childcare when you get home and she leaves, so there's just a brief handover. Might be an awkward conversation with MIL though, thanks for doing childcare but we don't actually want to see you.

Other option, after-school club or childminder until he can pick them up, (or you or EW).

Why isn’t MIL taking the DC back to their DMs house if your DP isn’t going to see them? Is the EW/DM picking them up from your house? Have I got that right?

Well, what should really happen is that contact is changed to allow his children to spend time with their father (not granny & step-mum) and if that means he pays more maintenance so his ex wife can afford childcare then that’s that. Or he could pay after school club on his weeknights - but both these aren’t as nice for the kids as granny picking them up and doing tea at yours.

Your partner and his ex need a better contact schedule and work schedule that prioritises the children, ultimately.

You’re not unreasonable feeling uncomfortable but it’s one of those situations where you are probably going to look it because you’re the only one who doesn’t like it, and it’s going to appear selfish. Sorry.

Ex wife, of course!

So your DH has contact with his kids three days a week but has taken a new job that means he can’t see them at all on two of those days?!

Yes I'm afraid that you are being a little unreasonable. At least he has actually asked his mum and not attempted to leave the child care up to you, which often seems to happen based on other threads on here. You definitely can't stop mil minding the kids in their own home, that would be just absolutely horrible for the kids, and mil who is after all doing your husband a huge favour.

I agree with @MazDazzle - she is doing you a big favour and you need to suck it up or contemplate either your DH losing contact or he/you having to accommodate collecting them if the ex insists they are cared for by him on those days.

Unless be had no choice, i think I'd lose respect for a man who conveniently takes on a new job that means he can't see his kids and the womenfolk have to scrabble around sorting it out for him.

Why did he take that job when he has childcare responsibilities?

Yes I think an after school club is the best option.
Yes it's the kids home but my home too and I offered to help but unfortunately I don't finish work in time to do it.
I think having two evenings a week of my MIL is an imposition, I'd rat her have a nanny, or some sort of paid help, jeez I'd rather pay one myself

So your OH and his ex have both taken jobs that mean they can't look after their DC 2 nights a week? And this will go on indefinitely? Can't see why Mil can't take them home tbh.

Why did you OH take a job that meant his DC wouldn't have any care and how old are they?

@VariantL1130

Why did he take that job when he has childcare responsibilities?

This was my thought. He has taken a job which now means he sees his kids one day a week instead of 3.

and I offered to help but unfortunately I don't finish work in time to do it

Well thank fuck for that, you'd have been permanent childcare!

The children are 4 and 8 so could go on for some time, I suppose he took the job as times are tough

What do you think the children would rather do Carolinesturn?

Your still just a new gf of 2 years and already moved in,is it your house or your dps. I think your being unfair this is his dc home and your mil is helping out its not as if she lives close by and can take them to hers.

Could you go do something after work on those two days? Meet a friend for dinner / gym class / shopping whatever

@Bimblybomeyelash I think they'd rather spend the time with mum or dad.

@Fullofglee it's a house we rent together