AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

[Carolinesturn]

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

[quote Dragon50]@TedHastingsweeDonkey if MIL goes to ex’s house, within a year or two the complaints re MIL spending too much time/getting on too well with ex (who needs to move on) will crop up.

I have some sympathy with the situation, but in some ways this thread is batshit.[/quote]
I do have sympathy as well but there are children involved and it's about their care. Which may be a tad more important than OPs comfort level. I get it's not ideal, heck I probably wouldn't happy either but if that's the best solution for the time being then so be it. At the end of the day, this may not be the only or the last "awkward" or uncomfortable situation when dealing with a step-family. OP needs to decide whether she is ready for this or not.

Op: "We are not slaves to children but there to live and care for them as EQUALS."

Yeah, so children are not "equals" to adults whatever that means.
You have a fundamental misunderstanding about what parenthood entails op, which will change in the next few years as you become a dm. It's not about being slaves to DC. Obviously parents aren't supposed to give into everything DC "would like" to do. We as parents try and do what's in their best interest. Because we love them and because it's an instinct and because it's the right thing to do. Especially for small, vulnerable DC who don't have capability to look after themselves. You made a point about your DH saying you're the top priority (e.g.you come before his DC) and posters here are taking issue with that statement. It either isn't true and you misunderstood (most likely) , and basically pp are telling you you shouldn't be using this as a justification, and if it is true, then you will see when you become a DM, that you'd not want your DH to prioritise you over your DC. It won't even become a question, because you, voluntarily, won't put your wants over theirs. I'm not talking about small things like Christ I need a break, go watch some telly and leave me alone 5 minutes, I'm talking about more fundamental things like spending an hour bored out of your wits on end to feed them a bloody vegetable or look after them after school even if that means you don't get to talk to your bf on the phone, or move nearer to a good school... Every parent to a certain extent lives with at least some inconveniences but doesn't think about them as a rank order of children vs themselves.

Oh dear OP. Is this even real? Your last post...😂🙃

@TedHastingsweeDonkey

they get on absolutely fine but would you want your exMIL in your house for 3/4 hours? Maybe she'll just have to put up with it one night a week and me the other

Poor MIL - she's providing (presumably) FREE CHILDCARE. OP, I'm so sorry to be blunt but she is doing a massive favour to your DP and his EW. Yes it is inconveniencing you, I totally get that but those children now have two homes. Why on earth would you want to send them to an after school club when they have family to look after them?

YABU. If you are unhappy, maybe ask if she could go to the EW's house, hoping she'd be more appreciative of the situation as the only other solution is to pay for childcare (again, why would you do that??) or her (EW) or your DP juggle around their work hours.

Again for the hard of thinking at the back of the room - there is no massive favour being done for the EW as quite simply it is not her problem to solve.

She manages to have her high-paying professional career (to paraphrase the OP) AND arrange care for her children 3 days per week after school. The OP's partner is responsible for the remaining 2. A fact both he and the OP seem to be quite happy with - the issue is the inconvenience to the OP around how he has chosen to deal with that responsibility.

This man has his life made. He is not there 2 nights of the week to see his kids. So unless he gets more flexible working or a job change the women are having to accommodate the situation. His life is being made accommodating for him. If MIL becomes sick or unable to do it EW will have to change her arrangements....unless he steps up to change his employment arrangements. And if you are " more kind and caring" you would be taken advantage of and next thing ur are doing his childcare ! And yes I can see exactly how a MIL, even a kindly one, would encroach yor space. His Mum looking after them is not " Dad contact" for kids benefit. So what will he go do to remedy more contact or maintenance of contact?

Also it's important to point out this leads me to why it's so important to love your partner and treat them like an equal both to yourself and to children in the household. A happy relationship is an important example to children in the household and also if you stay together your children will grow into more rounded happier adults! So love your partners guys and put them first sometimes, everyone will benefit

You’re back pedalling and changing the story now though OP. Nobody has an issue with loving your partner and treating them like an equal. That’s not what you were claiming was the case. You claimed you were top and most important to your partner above his children. That’s very different than loving your partner and treating them as an equal.

eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up

Many many studies have shown that children grow up happier with both their parents living under the same roof

Examples please. This isn't my reading of the research.

Did you answer what the new plan was for his children on Thursdays now that was so easily fixed?

Oh OP I think it is very clear from your posts that there is only one number one in your partners life and it isnt you. It is HIMSELF.

Everything he has seemed to have said and done puts himself as the centre of the universe. His loveless marriage was presumably his wife prioritising the needs of his children rather than him. So he left and at some point met you (although I suspect there was some overlap).

He is now feeding you the line that you are the most important because HE wants to remain the most important. And it has worked. All your posts here are about how the partner must be prioritised over the children and that is the most important relationship. All designed I suspect to keep you in line when the baby has been born.

Now he had/s his freedom during the week and you at the weekend - if he is self employed how on earth did that come about.

I do wonder how many people would be okay with their MIL coming over twice a week, during the week, when the DP is out. MIL is doing a kind thing, but it's still your MIL in the house twice a week!

I do wonder how many people would be okay with their MIL coming over twice a week, during the week, when the DP is out. MIL is doing a kind thing, but it's still your MIL in the house twice a week!

Some people wouldn’t like it, especially if not close. But this is the children’s nan and the person providing their care because the parents are both working. So maybe not ideal but it makes sense. If the kids can’t be with their mum or dad, the next best option is a grandparent in their own home.

Op leaving a loveless marriage isn't all about putting yourself first its also for kids sake as they deserve to grow up woth two loving parents who get on wether that is together or apart

I really like my new MIL

Have you only recently moved in? Was this arrangement with MIL in place first?

Tbh if someone threatened to kill a random child or my mother or grandmother I'd struggle to pick as so much more goes into that decision than just who you love more, also age, innocence and future! Like I say stupid scenario

This shows you have some block in your head and refuse to compute things. That’s not the scenario the poster gave at all. It was if 2 parents were in the room with their child and a gunman broke in and threatened them then the decision of each of the parents would be to prioritise the saving of their child over their spouse. Because that’s natural and normal. The way you block this concept and throw in the term ‘random child’ versus m your parents and potential mental logistics about who you love more compared to potential futures etc is a load of bunk as it has nothing to do with it. The fact is any parent would prioritise their child/children over anyone else, be it their spouse, partner, their own parent/grandparent, their best friend, Colin down the road etc. If they wouldn’t then they are a poor excuse for a parent.

The rest of your posts after this reinforce that you just don’t get it. It’s not a case of children always getting what they want and a parent never being able to have their favourite dinner as that’s not the kids favourite and the kids choice must come first for example. It’s about the children’s health (physical and mental), welfare and future being prioritised over and above parent wants. In some cases this may involve a decision being made that benefits a parent as that means that the parent will be in a better state of mind to successfully parent the child for example, but the child is always at the core. That’s the obligation if a parent. Again, if your DH is defective in this regard don’t ever consider having a child with him.

I’m betting the MIL was relieved at the suggestion to change the routine tbf

@Blondeshavemorefun

So mil was picking up kids tue and Thur having them all day at yours , now on summer hols till their mum home from work

As dad was working away

So what was the point of the. Coming to house as dad not there

Equally I get mil is doing childcare and needs a base

But why not in ex wife’s house till she comes home

Glad he now does tue so Thur mil does it

But why not in ex wife’s house till she comes home

I've seen this several times, why should the ex-wife have her EX-MIL in her house?

If your DP doesn't put his dc first in terms of needs ( not wants) then he isn't a fit father.
Don't have dc with him yourself in the future.

DH and I have both talked about the rescuing from burning building scenario and are clear nearest dc first then next dc then partner.

We love each other dearly but we are responsible for our dc it isn't a competition.

@slashlover coz it’s the kids Home

What is the point going to dads if he isn’t there

Assume mil goes when op or ew is home

Ex is at work

[quote Blondeshavemorefun]@slashlover coz it’s the kids Home

What is the point going to dads if he isn’t there

Assume mil goes when op or ew is home

Ex is at work[/quote]
OP has said that she doesn't want her MIL there while she is not in and wants to relax when she gets home and not make cups of tea. She should the ex?

I would not be having my ex mother-in-law in my house because my ex is a useless dad.

What is the point going to dads if he isn’t there

Because that was the arrangement and he has kept to this rather than dumping the problem in his exDW lap which is to be commended.

From what I recall, the arrangement was he had the kids 2 nights during the week, every Sunday and every second weekend which sounds a great arrangement and indicates a dad who cares for his kids. He then changed his working arrangements which meant he would not be home for the 2 nights during the week. Rather than dump this back on the ex-DW as her problem to suddenly deal with and resolve logistics for he solved it by having the kids grandparent act as a substitute for him, which I don’t see any issue with to be fair. The problem was this occurred in the house shared with DW who objects to MIL being in their house. MIL would have felt this vibe and no doubt been equally as uncomfortable. Personally, I wouldn’t have cared if it was Jack the Ripper in my home if he took care of the kids after school, cooked their dinner and tidied up meaning I didn’t have to do it, but each to their own there.

There would be no point for MIL to go to exDW house as this was the solution put in place to cover the dads days with the kids. It shouldn’t become the exDW issue to deal with.

Now though, I’m a little confused as it seems to have been solved quite simply by the dad shuffling work days and being home for the kids so not sure why that would not have been the plan from the beginning? Also not sure about how he now ‘gains’ days as those days were his responsibility to begin with?

@Carolinesturn

All I can say on the matter of adults putting DCs first When someone chooses to leave their spouse and children (when that spouse is a reasonable fair person) that person makes the first step in putting themselves before their children. Many many studies have shown that children grow up happier with both their parents living under the same roof (please don't give me the drug abusers and wife beaters as an example, they are the exception) So when my DP left his perfectly nice but completely loveless marriage he put himself before his children, I don't want to hear the 'oh better to be happy apart than together for the children' it's not true! So if you've left a relationship with children because you're not happy, cold hard truth, you put yourself first. Also it's important to point out this leads me to why it's so important to love your partner and treat them like an equal both to yourself and to children in the household. A happy relationship is an important example to children in the household and also if you stay together your children will grow into more rounded happier adults! So love your partners guys and put them first sometimes, everyone will benefit

Oh my god thanks OP, if only we'd known to love our partners, none of us would be single parents! Gutted that I didn't see this a year ago

There are very few couples with young kids who split up 'only' due to being loveless. The lack of love is generally a direct response to - or sometimes a cause of - things that becomes impossible to overlook, whether that is abusive behaviour (much more common than you seen to believe), serious mental health issues, affairs, utterly selfish behaviour or total disdain, which is certainly no better than a split in terms of modelling for kids.

If your dp left his ex purely because he didn't love the mother of his 2 and 4 year old any more, then he's almost certainly of the utterly selfish variety, and best of luck to you in a few years time and wonder how you might feel on rereading this.

So you do not want your MIL in your house looking after your DHs children 2 nights per week for 3 hrs.

If they were your DCS are you telling your DH that she could not do the same for your children as she was not suitable - are the rules going to be the same for your DC.

YOu would rather pay for a child minder to keep your SDCs out of their home than spend a few hrs a few times per week with your MIL.

You are being unreasonable

Sounds like you & DP are a perfect match OP. Its the kids I feel sorry for.

@MarcusRashford suck it up means deal with the shitty situation, put up with it, move past it, grit your teeth etc . I think most people are familiar with it

@Dorisbonson no, that's not how relationships work with one person doing all the compromising