Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:
SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 16:18

But you made a point of telling us your partner had said it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

excelledyourself · 05/08/2021 16:20

if you need confirmation of this then read Sophie's Choice.

That choice was between two children. She'd probably have preferred to choose between her child and partner. Would be a no brainier for most.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/08/2021 16:21

@excelledyourself

if you need confirmation of this then read Sophie's Choice.

That choice was between two children. She'd probably have preferred to choose between her child and partner. Would be a no brainier for most.

Would have made for a very short movie Grin

Kids.

As dh would choose. In fact, if he chose me, and condemned our children, I'd not go with him.

stayathomer · 05/08/2021 16:29

it's stupid to even compare the levels of love
There is, romantic love, parental love and even that has levels,
Had this conversation with dh when ds was born, we both agreed if a man in a balaclava came in and we were forced to choose between baby or him/me- we'd totally let the other one be taken out to save the babyGrin

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 16:31

Oh OP! That WhatsApp conversation you shared between you and your DP! You two very clearly aren’t even close to being in an established, comfortable relationship. The way you speak about your relationship and the way the two of you speak to each other in those messages screams “new relationship”.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 16:33

Tbh if someone threatened to kill a random child or my mother or grandmother I'd struggle to pick as so much more goes into that decision than just who you love more, also age, innocence and future! Like I say stupid scenario

OP posts:
Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 16:34

@MotionActivatedDog you scream of bitterness

OP posts:
DeleteSystem32 · 05/08/2021 16:35

[quote Carolinesturn]@DeleteSystem32 that comment doesn't so much make you sound like you love your children as it does make you sound like you hate your partner
It reads almost like you'd not even save him if you'd recovered your children, dried their hair and washed their uniforms haha!
Anyway I'm not saying my DP wouldn't save his kids I'm saying it's a stupid scenario [/quote]
Of course it fucking doesn't. It just means I'd save my children over her, just like she'd save them over me. It's called being a parent, which unfortunately you will find out about soon.

worriedatthemoment · 05/08/2021 16:37

Op thats because your not a mother
Of course its an almost impossible choice but I know I would pick kids in that scenario and so would dh as it should be.
Why you are talking about is different , I get why you didn't want your dp mum at your house twice a week when you come in from work, but this was always a bit off of your dp to work when he can do his hrs as and when on the days he has contact with his kids , that for me would be the bigger concern , he is a father first and foremost and any decision he makes should be with them in mind

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 16:39

you scream of bitterness

The irony. 😬 You should read your posts back OP.

worriedatthemoment · 05/08/2021 16:39

As if you have children together , you want him to take them and you into account as well surely in decisions he makes about jobs or if you work late one night say and he is responsible for your childs care, would you not want him to bare that in mind before he takes on overtime etc

rainbowandglitter · 05/08/2021 16:40

@MotionActivatedDog

Oh OP! That WhatsApp conversation you shared between you and your DP! You two very clearly aren’t even close to being in an established, comfortable relationship. The way you speak about your relationship and the way the two of you speak to each other in those messages screams “new relationship”.
To be fair, I thought the same.
MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 16:46

[quote Carolinesturn]@MotionActivatedDog you scream of bitterness [/quote]
Bitter about what? Confused

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 16:49

To be fair, I thought the same.

It comes across as two teenagers swearing to be together forever and nothing will ever break them up because their love is just so strong! But also- let’s keep reassuring each other repeatedly. If we do that- it will definitely happen. Much like OPs earlier post “we have a great future together”. (My emphasis)

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 16:53

It comes across as two teenagers swearing to be together forever and nothing will ever break them up because their love is just so strong! But also- let’s keep reassuring each other repeatedly. If we do that- it will definitely happen.

Yes, I thought the same.

Chloemol · 05/08/2021 16:58

You are with someone who has kids. But to be honest sound like one yourself

It’s two nights a week, to help your dp out as on those dates he has responsibility for.

Look at it from the kids point of view. Suddenly they can’t go to their dads house, where they know where things are, what the routine is etc because you are concerned your mil may see your knickers!

Grow up

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2021 17:00

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

But you made a point of telling us your partner had said it. 🤷🏻‍♀️
That conversation only ever came about because somebody made a goady comment about OP being bottom of his priorities. Obviously most people would save a drowning child over a drowning partner, as they are far more dependant, but it does not follow that step parents should expect to be in a relationship where any question of something not working for them is met with "you should know your wants and needs come last and therefore aren't worth considering." I can't blame OP for rising to it, those comments are irritating and not reflective of healthy family life.
SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 17:10

That conversation only ever came about because somebody made a goady comment about OP being bottom of his priorities.

I know. I’ve read the thread. But why didn’t she give her speech about all being equal etc in reply like she did later on. Clearly she likes the fact her partner has said this. Her partner is messed up for saying it. I’m not surprised OP rose to it either as she comes across as really immature in her posts.
I haven’t said she should come last, as there’s no need for any competition. it’s about making it work and keeping everyone as happy as possible. All this talk about different types of love etc...just get on with it. It either works or it doesn’t and this to me sounds like there are lots of issues in the future. Too dramatic and immature for me.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 05/08/2021 17:12

they get on absolutely fine but would you want your exMIL in your house for 3/4 hours? Maybe she'll just have to put up with it one night a week and me the other

Poor MIL - she's providing (presumably) FREE CHILDCARE. OP, I'm so sorry to be blunt but she is doing a massive favour to your DP and his EW. Yes it is inconveniencing you, I totally get that but those children now have two homes. Why on earth would you want to send them to an after school club when they have family to look after them?

YABU. If you are unhappy, maybe ask if she could go to the EW's house, hoping she'd be more appreciative of the situation as the only other solution is to pay for childcare (again, why would you do that??) or her (EW) or your DP juggle around their work hours.

pinkyredrose · 05/08/2021 17:18

pinkyredrose

Why can't she take them to thier own home?

She does

HTH

No she doesn't. They don't live there.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 17:18

Why on earth would you want to send them to an after school club when they have family to look after them?

I agree. OP refers to her as MIL but to the children, it’s their nan. And they can’t have their nan look after them in their home. I do understand this isn’t ideal as OP doesn’t sound close to this woman, but I think this is something that she should accept because she is with a man who has kids already. I’m not someone who says the stepmum doesn’t matter in any circumstance and that have to accept every bit of crap given them, but in this situation, I think OP should have accepted it.

Dragon50 · 05/08/2021 17:19

@TedHastingsweeDonkey if MIL goes to ex’s house, within a year or two the complaints re MIL spending too much time/getting on too well with ex (who needs to move on) will crop up.

I have some sympathy with the situation, but in some ways this thread is batshit.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 17:20

No she doesn't. They don't live there.

🙄

cheesymarmite · 05/08/2021 17:22

IMO yabu

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 17:26

All I can say on the matter of adults putting DCs first
When someone chooses to leave their spouse and children (when that spouse is a reasonable fair person) that person makes the first step in putting themselves before their children. Many many studies have shown that children grow up happier with both their parents living under the same roof (please don't give me the drug abusers and wife beaters as an example, they are the exception)
So when my DP left his perfectly nice but completely loveless marriage he put himself before his children, I don't want to hear the 'oh better to be happy apart than together for the children' it's not true!
So if you've left a relationship with children because you're not happy, cold hard truth, you put yourself first.
Also it's important to point out this leads me to why it's so important to love your partner and treat them like an equal both to yourself and to children in the household. A happy relationship is an important example to children in the household and also if you stay together your children will grow into more rounded happier adults! So love your partners guys and put them first sometimes, everyone will benefit

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread