AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

[Carolinesturn]

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

Would you have preferred that it is you who takes the kids and looks after them at home? Is it the SC or your MIL + SC being home that's causing the inconvenience to you?

[quote MarcusRashford]@Shad0w I'm glad to hear you have a positive step parenting experience. Sadly that wasn't the case with me and I speak from my own experience. Other people's children and their parents would NEVER put anyone ahead of them, so I fail to see why any self respecting SM would put her SC ahead of herself.[/quote]
Same

My step mother is the devil. Who told me when I was 25. That my father never loved me. Never wanted me. Wished I was dead. Wished I never ever saw my dad again. (Before this revelation. We’d been living together. She was like my second mother. We were so close)

When I told my father he said she probably didn’t mean it that way

Our relationship never survived. I’d never fallen out with my father ever. He’s never once raised his voice to me. But she wrecked our relationship. She won. It’s what she wanted. Ive never forgiven her or him. He should of supported me. He never had. He’s never once stood up to her and now our relationship has suffered and will never survive.

It’s sad.

I would hate to have another adult, in my home, 2 days a week, however lovely the MIL is, so I can see where OP is coming from. That's my safe haven, especially if I'm home by myself. Anyone who says they are able to relax in exactly the same way at home, with or without their MIL, is being economical with the truth.

Your DP sounds like he's trying to make the best of a not so tolerable situation that he created, so at least he's now reduced the days his DM comes round by one, and increased the days he sees the DC by one.

I wouldn't be too harsh on him about it all, he seems to really have taken your feelings into consideration, which is a lot more than the male NRPs mentioned on the step-parenting board usually do. I'd be recommending he find a new job closer to home which doesn't involve any travelling sharpish though!

@Carolinesturn

Gosh so many posts and questions. He's told me I'm the most important thing in the world to him yes however I think I'm equal to his DC and I'd never put this statement to the test as I love him and like his children immensely (no I don't love them) His job is self employed and so long as he gets his hours in he can be flexible however it's a long drive. I think all the mothers on here saying that I should come second to children should re evaluate their relationships, if I came last I'd not be there and he knows it, however because I love him I want him to have full contact with his children.

This is exactly how my step mother is

Sigh

OK scratch that, just saw op's other posts. Eye opening 😄 so op doesn't want to look after sdc due to her work, fair enough I guess, but doesn't want mil to do it in her home either! What a diamond that mil is. OP also thinks she comes before the SC according to her DH otherwise she would be there. OP hope you misunderstood what DH told you cos you don't want to be with a man who puts a 2 year rela3above his DC. You'll understand when you have DC. Also OP, this is the beginning of a new road for you, there'll be lots to learn. Maybe you weathered this first inconvenience, but there'll be others. Afterschool club could be a nice idea if MIL can't continue, but at some point, some inconveniences you'll need to live with. And not sure how to put it less bluntly, but children come first. That realisation is the easiest way to deal with inconveniences because then you'll want to do what's best for them, rather than for yourself.

You can't say to other people they are liars as they said they would appreciate it as we all have different views , your views may well change of you have children of your own or in a few years , you just don't know.
Seems all of this could of been avoided as you say your dp is self employed and can do hrs he wants , so why change and then see less of his kids
Kids go through different stages and although I love my dh and have been together a long time , I would put my kids first in many cases , that may not be how everyone is , but thats how it is for many of us, my bf just ended a relationship as her kids and DP never got on and she picked her kids , neither her dp or kids were awful just didn't work as a family unit .

I think if people are fair then everyone in the household should be treated equally, no one first and no one last. What self respecting adult would enter a relationship knowing they came last in the household. No one deserves that, and if a partner enters a relationship thinking their partner comes last then they shouldn't be in one. If over 40% of marriages end in divorce and a lot of them involve kids then you're condemning a lot of people to live lonely lives until their kids are up and gone...And they will go one day and lead their own lives with their own partners and lovers. People shouldn't miss out on love and happiness because they don't treat everyone in the household equally. I'd not hang around if I came last and my partner and I deserve love

I think if people are fair then everyone in the household should be treated equally, no one first and no one last. What self respecting adult would enter a relationship knowing they came last in the household. No one deserves that, and if a partner enters a relationship thinking their partner comes last then they shouldn't be in one. If over 40% of marriages end in divorce and a lot of them involve kids then you're condemning a lot of people to live lonely lives until their kids are up and gone...And they will go one day and lead their own lives with their own partners and lovers. People shouldn't miss out on love and happiness because they don't treat everyone in the household equally. I'd not hang around if I came last and my partner and I deserve love

Completely agree.

I don’t always put my own DCs ‘before’ my DP. If his needs are greater in that moment, I try and meet those first. I’m a family everyone is equally important. No members should assume automatic priority over everyone else.

You’re just getting a hard time on this thread OP because you’re refusing to be a martyr on the altar of step children. I think more women should refuse this too. It would force the actual parents to fix up and sort it out. To be fair, it sounds like that’s what your DP is doing now, after a nudge.

Not everyone who is a single parent is condemned to a life of loneliness OP. I’m a single mum and I can assure you my life is anything but lonely. You sound very young and immature, perhaps having your own child will be an eye opener to you

I think all the mothers on here saying that I should come second to children should re evaluate their relationships, if I came last I'd not be there and he knows it

I guarantee you, that if you were all drowning in a lake, that he would save the children first.

And that is as it should be.

Oh OP. You've misunderstood 'children come first' and are twisting yourself in knots now.

Children come first because they are dependents. They are vulnerable. They are incapable of caring for themselves. There is a visceral link between any (decent) parent and a child they created. That's biology. It's about ensuring the survival into adulthood of vulnerable young.

Of course, in an 'everybody's drowning, who do you save?' scenario a parent will automatically try to save their child, not their adult partner. Adults are far better able to look after themselves. Children rely on their parents and their parents are biologically programmed to respond to that need.

Coming first is about life, safety and the opportunity to thrive. It is not about getting what they want every time, their wants being put ahead of an adult partners' needs, or her wants. Wants can compete and take some careful balancing.

If your DH did not, at a fundamental level, put the needs of his DC first (not that there's any evidence of that here), then he would be a bad man, pathologically selfish, someone you would not want to be with, never mind have children with. Because men like that only value anyone for what that person can give them. They're incapable of truly loving any human being.

@worriedatthemoment

You can't say to other people they are liars as they said they would appreciate it as we all have different views , your views may well change of you have children of your own or in a few years , you just don't know. Seems all of this could of been avoided as you say your dp is self employed and can do hrs he wants , so why change and then see less of his kids Kids go through different stages and although I love my dh and have been together a long time , I would put my kids first in many cases , that may not be how everyone is , but thats how it is for many of us, my bf just ended a relationship as her kids and DP never got on and she picked her kids , neither her dp or kids were awful just didn't work as a family unit .

Same

Me and my husband don’t have step children. We have children together. I put my children first and So does my husband. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

If I found out like my father. That a step mother came before my children. Id be devastated. Because once that happens. The relationships break down.

Do you see this relationship lasting op because your Attitude towards the children it's not very nice

@lottiegarbanzo

Oh OP. You've misunderstood 'children come first' and are twisting yourself in knots now.

Children come first because they are dependents. They are vulnerable. They are incapable of caring for themselves. There is a visceral link between any (decent) parent and a child they created. That's biology. It's about ensuring the survival into adulthood of vulnerable young.

Of course, in an 'everybody's drowning, who do you save?' scenario a parent will automatically try to save their child, not their adult partner. Adults are far better able to look after themselves. Children rely on their parents and their parents are biologically programmed to respond to that need.

Coming first is about life, safety and the opportunity to thrive. It is not about getting what they want every time, their wants being put ahead of an adult partners' needs, or her wants. Wants can compete and take some careful balancing.

If your DH did not, at a fundamental level, put the needs of his DC first (not that there's any evidence of that here), then he would be a bad man, pathologically selfish, someone you would not want to be with, never mind have children with. Because men like that only value anyone for what that person can give them. They're incapable of truly loving any human being.

This

1000000000%. It’s evolution.

And if was dating single parents and came across one who did not, in a fundamental way, put his children first, I would run a mile the other way. It's a red flag for, at best self-absorbed dysfunction, at worst total psycopathy.

Men who plainly love their children are men who are capable of love.

@lottiegarbanzo

Especially this bit

If your DH did not, at a fundamental level, put the needs of his DC first (not that there's any evidence of that here), then he would be a bad man, pathologically selfish, someone you would not want to be with, never mind have children with. Because men like that only value anyone for what that person can give them. They're incapable of truly loving any human being.

I totally agree @lottiegarbanzo that children as dependents NEEDS must come first.
However everyone has twisted my dilemma into... 'what do the kids want, you should just shut up and put up'
But obviously that has nothing to do with my dilemma and it wasn't actually so much about what the kids want and need as it was a post about my relationship with MIL and DP. We are not slaves to children but there to live and care for them as EQUALS.

And to everyone using the drowning in a lake scenario, that's incredibly childish and also completely thoughtless. Something I would have said when I was 6 to find out who mummy loved most and btw the answer is nobody bloody knows, if you need confirmation of this then read Sophie's Choice. Such silly flippant remarks from people who should know better, especially if any of you are mothers

@Carolinesturn

And to everyone using the drowning in a lake scenario, that's incredibly childish and also completely thoughtless. Something I would have said when I was 6 to find out who mummy loved most and btw the answer is nobody bloody knows, if you need confirmation of this then read Sophie's Choice. Such silly flippant remarks from people who should know better, especially if any of you are mothers

I know. If I had a choice between saving my partner and my kids I know exactly what I'd choose.

@DeleteSystem32 that comment doesn't so much make you sound like you love your children as it does make you sound like you hate your partner
It reads almost like you'd not even save him if you'd recovered your children, dried their hair and washed their uniforms haha!
Anyway I'm not saying my DP wouldn't save his kids I'm saying it's a stupid scenario

But this is not life or death.

This is ‘can we find a compromise so that everyone is given equal consideration?’ Which the OP’s DP has done. At no detriment to his children.

Anyway I'm not saying my DP wouldn't save his kids I'm saying it's a stupid scenario

It’s stupid that your partner said you were the most important person in his life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hmm, you need to tell all the philosophers who worry away at problems exactly like that 'drowning in a lake' one, how very silly and childish they're being, OP.

Op come back when you have your own kids you may think differently, if my dh was ill and kids ok and he needed looking after and say one wanted a lift , his need would be more important so in that case yes , but of the other way round then would be the kids
But most of us parents but out kids first before outself and the fact your dh planned to not see his kids on 2 out of 3 contact days and says you come first , would be a concern for me
There maybe times his kids needs are higher priority than yours at time

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair it's stupid to even compare the levels of love
There is, romantic love, parental love and even that has levels, who's to say fraternal love is the same as maternal. I personally think they different. But everyone in the household should be treated equally