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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:
Frannibananni · 05/08/2021 13:39

@Carolinesturn

I'd be very happy for MIL to go to EW house and wait there but I'd imagine that would cause the same awkwardness, they get on absolutely fine but would you want your exMIL in your house for 3/4 hours? Maybe she'll just have to put up with it one night a week and me the other, I feel sorry for MIL and I know the relationship has only been 2 years but it's still my life that I'm living right now... 2 years or 10 what difference does that make
Honestly love you knew your boyfriend had children when you moved in with him. He isn’t a absent Dad. It’s his time to have the children, If it’s his house it’s also the children’s home some of the time. It isn’t on the Mum to fix this problem but your Boyfriend. Maybe he needs to find a different job if it bothers you so much.
Derbee · 05/08/2021 13:39

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
Then your partner is a piece of shit. His DC should be his top priority.

Bibidy · 05/08/2021 13:39

@SoupDragon

If I were him I'd be chatting to my ex to see if it was possible to rearrange the schedule so I could actually be around to spend time with them.

She is at work! It is not her problem.

Not saying it's her problem, which is what I said in the sentence after the one you've quoted, but no harm in having a conversation about whether it's a possibility to change things round now that he's in a different job.
lottiegarbanzo · 05/08/2021 13:40

This isn't contact time, it's childcare, which could be provided by anyone, anywhere.

He should book them into suitable after school clubs / activities / childcare, so he can collect them after work.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 13:43

its not natural to have your MIL in your home, not in the slightest. And I suspect not many of us are 100% keen on other people's children either (I'm watching out for pitchforks too ...) and to have to deal with both is not funny.

No but if your partner has children from a previous relationship, life will be more complicated at times. Someone mentioned OP is pregnant, these ‘other people’s children’ will be her child’s siblings so potentially very special people to her child.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 13:46

Op your mum is absolutely spot on. Once you fall in to the trap of doing the the childcare a few times, both parents will expect it more and you lose out while they gain gain gain.

SeeYouInFive · 05/08/2021 13:46

I have made things difficult for him as if I weren't there then he of course would get his mum to do it but he has taken my feelings into account

I don't see how you've made things difficult for him. You haven't done anything wrong except live in your home. He's made it difficult for himself by moving the goalposts.

And he absolutely should take your feelings into account. You're an equal person he's invited into this dynamic because he wants a relationship. If he wants a relationship with you he has to be willing and able to consider and meet your needs as well. You're not just a prop who exists to uncomplainingly facilitate his existing family life - which is how a lot of people on MN view step mothers.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 13:47

When he took the job, was his plan always for MIL to have the kids at your house?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 05/08/2021 13:47

@PanamaPattie

You haven’t answered the question - why doesn’t MIL take the DC to their other house and wait for their DM to come home? What is the point of them coming to your house if they are not going to see their DF?
That was my first thought. And shouldn't your partner rearrange his contact times with his children to other evenings and the week-ends?
MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 13:52

That was my first thought.

Because that would involve her ex DIL being comfortable with her ex MIL being in her house when she isn’t there. Considering her current DIL isn’t happy with that and that this is MILs son who has arranged her for childcare during his contact time the ex DILs home shouldn’t be a factor. This is between OPs DP and his mother and he has a home she can use to look after his children.

And shouldn't your partner rearrange his contact times with his children to other evenings and the week-ends?

Well he could ask his ex if she can rearrange her work schedule to suit him but as he is the one who changed his work plans in the first place and created the problem I don’t see why she should. But he certainly shouldn’t just change the contact arrangement and assume she can accommodate that.

SeeYouInFive · 05/08/2021 13:53

Amazing how selfish and childish OP sounds when she's not amenable to looking after her DPs children. When the actual parents of his dc are both out, working in their careers and earning a good wage - why should she take the knock? Let the actual parents sort out their children. And take the knock to their careers/wages/pensions. Rather then look around for a convenient vagina-owner to sort out their kids, make them feel wanted and loved, raise them

Hear hear.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 13:55

It’s the dsc second home, and you’re not being asked to look after them.

Whilst I understand you wanting to come home and relax, that just not possible when you have an extended/blended family

You’re not going to have this for 10 years, when the dc get older life changes, secondary school beckons and it’s tops 5 years

Ex wife may change her job or etc etc

Granny time is important to, but is granny really going to be tied to this arrangement for 5 years?

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 13:57

Amazing how selfish and childish OP sounds when she's not amenable to looking after her DPs children. When the actual parents of his dc are both out, working in their careers and earning a good wage - why should she take the knock? Let the actual parents sort out their children. And take the knock to their careers/wages/pensions. Rather then look around for a convenient vagina-owner to sort out their kids, make them feel wanted and loved, raise them

The OPs partner had sorted childcare. But OP isn’t happy with the caregiver he arranged being in the house.

SoupDragon · 05/08/2021 13:58

Not saying it's her problem, which is what I said in the sentence after the one you've quoted, but no harm in having a conversation about whether it's a possibility to change things round now that he's in a different job.

He's away with work all week. Hardly any scope for changing things around.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/08/2021 13:59

@candlelightsatdawn

eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up

Yes, she did.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 14:05

@ivykaty44 I'd like to think it's not a 10 year thing but it could possibly have the potential to be that, yes things change but some things stay the same... I wasn't prepared to risk it

OP posts:
clartymare · 05/08/2021 14:07

I think you're being pretty unreasonable tbh. Your MIL is doing everything to look after them, it's not like the weight of expectation is on you. It's two nights out of your week.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/08/2021 14:12

I’m surprised by the number of people saying partner should come first, or they are both equal.

Ask yourself this:

Partner and child fall over a cliff. You can only help one. Which one???

Your answer will say a lot about you. I can’t think of anyone who’d help the adult over the child.

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 14:12

It's also surprising how much hate I'm getting because my DP said I was the most important thing in his life, that my happiness was his priority. I've been in shit relationships with shit men, I've been cheated on and left, now I'm happy in this imperfect but amazing relationship. I want to do the right thing for him and his family but above all for ME! Yes I must be selfish
But who is in a relationship purely for the sake of the other person and their children, we are partners and my feelings are as important as his children's

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/08/2021 14:15

I'd say he appears to prioritise your feelings over his own children's.

He swapped days even though the kids would rather be with him only because you weren't happy with the arrangement.

He is a parent. His first thought when planning changes should be "how will this impact my children". Everything else is after that

Derbee · 05/08/2021 14:17

Nothing wrong with you being selfish, and putting yourself first. But your partner needs to put his children first. Nothing controversial about that. It’s life

SeeYouInFive · 05/08/2021 14:17

I want to do the right thing for him and his family but above all for ME! Yes I must be selfish
But who is in a relationship purely for the sake of the other person and their children, we are partners and my feelings are as important as his children's

Fair play OP.

maddy68 · 05/08/2021 14:18

You know it's you that's out of order right?

mommabear2386 · 05/08/2021 14:18

I think I would meet in the middle, at least twice / three times in the month I would go home and fully involve yourself in the girls and MIL, if you like her this should be ok and make real effort then the other days make time your you and go visit friends/ run errands.

That way you can't be accused of never being there and it being akward but you get a break.
It's hard because of both parents are working late your MIL is doing a nice thing but I do understand it's imposing in your home a little as it's frequently twice a week

Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 14:20

@maddy68 ugly truth. I'll never get in the way of his lovely children or his relationship with them because his happiness is my priority just like mine is his and I know how important they are to him. But I'm not a doormat

OP posts:
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