AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

[Carolinesturn]

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

So do you expect your DP to put you above your child(ren) once it/they is here?

In all honesty, I wouldn’t relish my MIL being at mine 2 nights a week but I’d be blaming my DH for not considering his childcare responsibilities before taking the new role. I wonder if shit like this is why he split from ex?

MIL is a diamond for stepping in really and doing her best to clean up after them.

Many SMs would feel the same if mum took a new job then expected someone else to pick up the slack.

As for partner over kids well. I wouldn’t be having DC with a man who put the needs of his partner of two years over that of his own DC. I’d always be worried he’d do the same to mine but many SMs realise that DP/DH isn't the best father (and why the ex split) a few years after having DC with them.

@DumplingsAndStew yes I do, children hold a different love than that for partners, it's a special love all on its own. My view, it might not be yours

@Carolinesturn

I'm glad you've got it sorted. You were absolutely right to say something, and everyone involved is pretty much in agreement that that the current situation isn't ideal, so changes are being made to make it more suitable for everyone.

That's a win for everyone.

OP, I think in your shoes, I'd be tempted to go elsewhere after work on those days, or at least one of them. Go to a cafe, or the gym, book yourself into an evening class, join a group that meets on one of those evenings and go there direct from work. All much more possible outside covid times. Is the current 'everyone at home more than usual' situation making this feel more intense and intrusive than it could be?

I get the issue of loss of privacy from the MIL. I'm not sure there's a way around that, except general tidiness, keeping very personal things upstairs and remembering that it's his house too - in the sense that any mess and disorganisation is as much his creation and responsibility as yours (and if he is messy or careless, his DM will know what he's like). At least, with your DP away all week, there isn't going to be evidence of recent bedroom activity accidentally left lying around!

Don't fall into the weird old-fashioned trap of thinking that a woman's worth is reflected in the state of her home.

Being out on at least one pf those days would reinforce that you're a busy, hard-working person too. Not a housewife with time on her hands.

There's a risk with my 'go out' plan of alienating myself from my own home though. I realise that.

Op what do his children think about these arrangements, are they happy to come over to their other home but not see their dad? It’s weird that he arranged that in the first place but now has suddenly changed it to make you happy.

[quote Carolinesturn]@DumplingsAndStew yes I do, children hold a different love than that for partners, it's a special love all on its own. My view, it might not be yours [/quote]
So if you expect your partner to put you above the baby once it's born, will you put him above it too? Prioritise his needs over your child's?

[quote Carolinesturn]@DumplingsAndStew yes I do, children hold a different love than that for partners, it's a special love all on its own. My view, it might not be yours [/quote]
And if he then goes on to have another child/children with another woman, would you expect him to put her above his existing children?

All good 😊 he spoke to his MIL today and both have been great
Yes @nevergoesaway he arranged it because I don't think he knew it would be hard for me. Men sometimes need these things pointed out. Now he knows he understands

What if you have your own children with your partner - will you ask your MiL to babysit or provide childcare but out of your home?

All good 😊 he spoke to his MIL

Why do you keep saying it’s his MIL?

So I’m a step mum / second wife and I’ve already said that I think your being totally unreasonable. Nothing to do with ex wife club with me.

All I can say is I hope you never had your own children with this man.

@Carolinesturn

All good 😊 he spoke to his MIL today and both have been great Yes *@nevergoesaway* he arranged it because I don't think he knew it would be hard for me. Men sometimes need these things pointed out. Now he knows he understands

Oh ok that’s good, you didn’t answer about what the children think about any of this, were they bothered that they didn’t get to see their dad before?

Also, you put in that message that it’s not personal, but earlier you said you’d rather have a nanny in the house than MIL, so it’s kind of personal or have I got that wrong?

@Cantthinkofabettername

What if you have your own children with your partner - will you ask your MiL to babysit or provide childcare but out of your home?

Presumably if MIL was babysitting OP's child it would be because OP and her DP aren't in? So it wouldn't matter if she was in their home.

It's only awkward for OP (any MIL by the sounds of it) because OP is also at home during this time.

Christ your pregnant after 2 years and planning the wedding there's an underlying resentment towards the ex an her maintenance and towards the dc about you being priority isn't normal behaviour. This has disaster written all over it. Me and my dh prioritise our dc above ourselves as it should be as parent.

I don’t have an axe to grind as I am neither an ex wife or a step mother, however you really aren’t covering yourself in glory here.

I’m glad that a compromise has been made and everyone is happy, however I do think it’s a bit sad that you both think you should rank higher than the dc, and I think it’s sad that dp was willing to reduce his contact so willingly.

Well it looks like everyone is happy with the way it's worked at apart from the Mumsnet haters. Mil pleased because tbh it was hard for her, kids pleased as they don't miss out on that day and I'm pleased as I can relax on my evenings. DP pleased because I'm happy and kids are too. We miss out on our Fridays but that's ok

@SeeYouInFive

Amazing how selfish and childish OP sounds when she's not amenable to looking after her DPs children. When the actual parents of his dc are both out, working in their careers and earning a good wage - why should she take the knock? Let the actual parents sort out their children. And take the knock to their careers/wages/pensions. Rather then look around for a convenient vagina-owner to sort out their kids, make them feel wanted and loved, raise them

Hear hear.

How fortunate nobody is asking her to look after the children then...

I cannot believe your attitude towards being the most important person in his life. Wait til you have your own kid.

I find one of the strange things about this thread (of which there are many, sorry but I also find it weird anyone could prioritize a partner over children) to be people's reactions to the new job. There are times you have to move in terms of your job but everyone saying oh he should just go get a new job it is most definitely not that easy sometimes you're backed into a corner, you can't just tell your boss or change your job

@Carolinesturn

Maybe as time goes on I can take over child care but equally I don't want to reduce my hours and work as a chil minder so exW and DP keep their professional jobs and high wages

This thread screams resentment

You resent both your DP and his EW and his MIL in your home

It’s not really anything to do with you…it’s not for you to ‘sort’.

So mil was picking up kids tue and Thur having them all day at yours , now on summer hols till their mum home from work

As dad was working away

So what was the point of the. Coming to house as dad not there

Equally I get mil is doing childcare and needs a base

But why not in ex wife’s house till she comes home

Glad he now does tue so Thur mil does it

• DumplingsAndStew

Carolinesturn
@DumplingsAndStew yes I do, children hold a different love than that for partners, it's a special love all on its own. My view, it might not be yours
And if he then goes on to have another child/children with another woman, would you expect him to put her above his existing children?*

⭐️

• Equally I get mil is doing childcare and needs a base

But why not in ex wife’s house till she comes home *

Because the kids are his responsibility that day, so they should be at his house or somewhere he sorts out for childcare.