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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I can't STAND my DSC.

213 replies

DappledApple · 19/07/2021 09:29

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 22/07/2021 19:36

That’s brilliant that you find you can spend time alone with him op. Honestly I find this can happen even with your own children, when you have a new baby little annoyances can feel massively irritating because you have a lot of pressure caring for the new baby - for you that pressure is doubled as it’s your first baby and your stepson has challenging behaviour anyway.

It sounds like you just need time to look after the baby and adjust, and support while you’re doing that.

Twoforthree · 22/07/2021 19:59

@vivainsomnia

decided to take SS out for a milkshake (there is a nice shop by us that he likes) after school yesterday. mentioned earlier in the thread trying to spend some time with him That is so lovely to hear OP. So many times SM complain about their SCs but seem to only be interested in finding justification for their feelings and seeking others to change their ways.

You took it upon yourself to make an effort and do something that was probably really hard to do and it paid off. It's not going to sort out the issue, but it is giving you a bit of faith knowing that it is possible to spend time together and for it to be pleasant.

I really applaud you for taking that step. I think things will seem much less negative once you start getting better sleep again. Good luck.

This

Teenyton · 22/07/2021 21:44

gosh. I'm sorry I'm bored guys. I think you're biased, you think I'm biased. You seem not to be responding to questions about your bias, and ignoring questions about whether you think all SMs are angels, if a sm dislikes kids whether you automatically have any assumptions there etc. May I just ask another one maybe? Are any of you in happy healthy relationships in your step families? As in, actual, close knit families with no distinction between who's step and not? Is that why you're here, to share wisdom? Hmm...so maybe then, its a bit rich of you really? If you're I'm happy for you, do tell how you did it. Fascinating dynamics here, wish I'd come in earlier. lol :D.

aSofaNearYou · 22/07/2021 22:03

@Teenyton

To answer your earlier question, no I don't assume the step children are poorly behaved, but the OP in this case specifically said that this one was. I would explore the possibility before condemning the step mother, because I know that challenging behaviour in children is common and does impact relationships. Similarly, I wouldn't make fantastical leaps about a step mum putting a step child in a box room, when it's clearly not a punishment and is just the most sensible plan in terms of children needing to share etc. You did do that.

Yes I am in a happy, healthy step family. One where my step child is fully integrated and valued, but at the same time my partner does not have unrealistic expectations of either my input, or my ability to enjoy my DSSs behaviour when it is challenging.

Teenyton · 22/07/2021 22:26

"no I don't assume the step children are poorly behaved, but the OP in this case specifically said that this one was"

That's good you don't assume that. Op said it was all OK before and she got irritated after her DC was born. So the problem didn't originate from the SC. It'd be wrong to assume as such.

"fantastical leaps about a step mum putting a step child in a box room"

I didn't think op should put an sc in the smallest room just cos she's there only half the time. Especially when there's a baby to be born. DSD could share with the other DD. I do think it's important to be sensitive to sc's feelings as the SC doesn't have a ft home there and is divided in between. Not easy on a kid.

"Yes I am in a happy, healthy step family. One where my step child is fully integrated and valued"

Wonderful for you. Did you have any issues similar to the problems listed here or on that other threads you mention? based on advices you gave I've seen, e.g.keeping distance from the sc, do you think that's what made it work for you? If there's been distance, how is your sc actually integrated? If no distance, then might there be a possibility you gave advice you don't have experience with? Genuinely curious btw, not looking for an argument.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/07/2021 22:41

So, @Teenyton, let me guess. Researcher or journalist?

aSofaNearYou · 22/07/2021 23:22

@Teenyton I think if you have more questions you should probably start a seperate thread at this point, I don't want to derail OPs thread with my entire life story.

Pingued · 23/07/2021 05:55

7 months in and your hormones are probably still settling down and I expect you have some sort of protective instincts kicking in that should settle down. Hope it goes ok with GP and well done for recognising the impact on DSC. Glad you had a nice time with them.

Bibidy · 23/07/2021 10:51

@Teenyton

Well I do stand by those comments Biddy, some SMs in these threads do give this kind of impression. Hopefully you're not suggesting all SMs are angelic because that'd display your own bias (no one is) Hence if you're not one of those, then you don't need to take that directly on yourself, they're not personal attacks.

I am not at all suggesting that all stepmums are angelic, I am just saying when you come onto a board of stepmums and make sweeping statements about how awful we are you can expect to get backlash.

Also, I don't think it's unusual that people who have experienced the complexities of being a step-parent would try to show empathy and understanding to someone else who's struggling in that situation, more so than people who have never experienced any of it and just take posts at complete face value with no context considered (not necessarily saying that's you as I know you haven't revealed your own situation). I don't think that's biased. I don't think there are many (if any) people here who would defend an SM no matter what. I wouldn't.

Teenyton · 23/07/2021 16:20

So, @Teenyton, let me guess. Researcher or journalist?

nope...wrong again :)

Teenyton · 23/07/2021 16:25

"I think if you have more questions you should probably start a seperate thread at this point, I don't want to derail OPs thread with my entire life story."

i somehow knew this would be your answer to my questions :D That's ok. dont think i will be starting a new thread just for your back story - but please feel free to pm me. I kind of disagree your answer on unbias advice to SMs from what i have seen and read, and queried above.

Anyway, going back to the OP - hope it all goes well with your family

newomums · 23/07/2021 16:44

@Teenyton in the nicest sense you seem like you have a lot of time on your hands and seem to be enjoying saying cruel thing and kicking people when they are down.

I doubt anyone could change your mind on SMs, like your probably not going to change anyone's mind on what type of person it makes you.

There's a word for people who enjoy getting kicks from people's pain and causing drama . I truly hope you get the help you need 💐 best wishes

Teenyton · 23/07/2021 20:24

Aww thanks newmum, best wishes to you too! There seem to be a lot of assumptions about me :)

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