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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I can't STAND my DSC.

213 replies

DappledApple · 19/07/2021 09:29

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 19/07/2021 09:47

How is DSS with your baby?
I find my DSD intensely irritating at times, as most 10 year old girls can be I suppose, but when I see the bond with my DS and how much they love each other, I know I'd do anything at all to nurture that as they grow older.
I realise you are experiencing something more extreme than me, as I don't feel like that all the time or as intensely as you seem to, but is there positives you could try to focus on instead?

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 09:56

There will probably be people who will respond extremely negatively to this thread, but I don't think that's going to be very helpful.

My DSS is an 8 year old boy. I don't hate him but I have to say he is probably the most irritating person I have ever met. It is not surprising at all that you struggle with him, I honestly don't think people other than the parents are supposed to spend large amounts of time with other people's 8 year olds, the chances of them coming away sane/full of love are slim!

I would advise distance. Carry on seeing orher people when they're around, don't "help out" lots. Those things are good things anyway, it's not your job to look after them. Especially if you have a young child of your own now and are busy dealing with that.

I have always been honest with my DP when I'm struggling with DSS. He's not blind, he can see it and is usually struggling himself. I don't know how I'd cope if I had to pretend certain things weren't really annoying. I wouldn't tell him you hate his son, but you should be able to tell him you're struggling around him atm and could use some space. You do hear of parents being really defensive about this on here, and I don't know how your partner would respond, but in my opinion parents SHOULD be able to cope with people struggling around their kids. Other people's kids are really hard work.

everybodysang · 19/07/2021 09:58

I think I had something like this - though much milder - with my DSS when my DD was very small. This was 10 years ago - he was 11 at the time and I just found him so, so irritating. I used to have these awful dreams where he hurt the baby and I'd be pleased because it meant other people would see how awful he was.

But, of course, he wasn't awful. He was an 11 year old little boy.

Weirdly, I didn't really feel it with my DSD, who was 8 at the time. I'm sure there's some deep psychology behind it, and although I didn't have PND, I did have PTSD triggered by birth trauma, which I eventually got help for. I think it was a combination of that, crazy hormones and the fact that 11 year old boys are sometimes quite irritating...!

It was really, really hard and of course I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I did post on here a few times and although I can't remember what people said exactly, I don't think I was flamed and I think people were generally quite sympathetic.

I just had to sit on it. Squash it down, smile, make him and DSD feel wanted and welcomed and if it all got too much, have some good, plausible excuses to leave the room/the house till I felt ok again that wouldn't give them a clue how I was feeling.

I can only tell you that it passed. By the time she was... 4, maybe? Those feeling were gone. It really was tough but I knew as the adult in the situation it was up to me to make sure DSS had no clue how I was feeling.

Now he's 21 and he's a wonderful young man and we have a brilliant relationship so I promise that making that effort was really, really worth it. It was just horrible, I couldn't believe how I felt about a child, I felt awful. I think admitting it here could be helpful for you? You do have to let it out - just not to them!

wed8pril · 19/07/2021 09:59

What has this eight year old been doing that makes your skin crawl?

NCwhatsmynameagain · 19/07/2021 10:08

Oh gosh OP, this is a sad way to talk about a young child that you have some responsibility for. The child is not just DH’s kid, he is your step-son, so you being involved in his care is part of your role as his step-parent, not you ‘helping out’.
You do need to get some help and advice to work through this issue, even if its difficult, because this may be affecting your interactions with the child, even if you aren’t aware- and kids are smart, they can generally tell when they make someone’s skin crawl and it’s not a nice feeling. If it has only happened in recent months then you know your step-child isn’t to blame for these feelings, so you need to understand why you are projecting all these negative feelings onto him. Perhaps some counselling to prevent more emotional harm for you and him.

iwilldoitsoon · 19/07/2021 10:10

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do.

Speak to your GP/HV?

The level of hatred towards a child is indicative of something much bigger Thanks

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:10

Oh gosh OP, this is a sad way to talk about a young child that you have some responsibility for. The child is not just DH’s kid, he is your step-son, so you being involved in his care is part of your role as his step-parent, not you ‘helping out’.

Yes it 100% is helping out. People trying to deny that online do not realise how unhelpful they are being in terms of actually improving step relations.

Iggly · 19/07/2021 10:12

Yes it 100% is helping out. People trying to deny that online do not realise how unhelpful they are being in terms of actually improving step relations

This child is her child’s half sibling? It’s not a random child she is babysitting.

Youseethethingis · 19/07/2021 10:14

This child is her child’s half sibling? It’s not a random child she is babysitting
It doesn't matter whose half sibling he is, he isn't OPs child and she doesn't have any responsibility to look after him.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 19/07/2021 10:17

@aSofaNearYou becoming a step-parent means you take on some responsibility for those children, they are now your step-children, not DP’s kids. So being involved in their care is not helping out, it’s being a step-parent.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:17

@Youseethethingis

This child is her child’s half sibling? It’s not a random child she is babysitting It doesn't matter whose half sibling he is, he isn't OPs child and she doesn't have any responsibility to look after him.
This. Seriously it helps no one random people on the internet acting shocked that step parents acknowledge that what they are doing is helping out.
NCwhatsmynameagain · 19/07/2021 10:19

@Youseethethingis stepparents don’t have any responsibility for their step-children? Really?

Nowthisisme · 19/07/2021 10:19

OP I gave zero experience in this area but I read the step boards a lot (I am a stepmum with no children of my own). And as you may get a few negative responses I wanted to add some support. It appears to be very common to have these kinds of feelings towards step children when you go on to have your own child.
My DSD is eight, and while lovely and kind and thoughtful, can also be very annoying and it seems to be an age when kids can be very self-centred. I wish you every success in working through this - hopefully it will wear off. In the meantime focus on his positives and look for his good heart.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:19

[quote NCwhatsmynameagain]@aSofaNearYou becoming a step-parent means you take on some responsibility for those children, they are now your step-children, not DP’s kids. So being involved in their care is not helping out, it’s being a step-parent.[/quote]
Are you a step parent?

I am.

It really doesn't mean that. It means you are married to a parent. That is all. Any additional help you give, is just that, help.

Youseethethingis · 19/07/2021 10:20

Well, I'm very glad my DH and his ex don't just see me as a useful place they can shove their parental responsibilities on to.

GettingUntrapped · 19/07/2021 10:20

I'm sure someone will be along soon to tell you that you shouldn't have these feelings because bla bla, your responsibilities etc.
Never deny your own feelings, your feelings exist to protect you (you as a living, breathing human being) but the social script for mother's, and step mothers is to deny your own feelings as they aren't acceptable. Fuck that!
Not sure what to advise, except carry on as you are, but put firmer boundaries in place so you aren't expected to do things for him at least until your baby is older.

TooMuchPaper · 19/07/2021 10:22

Does he know how you feel about him? Do his parents know?

Biscoffbiscou · 19/07/2021 10:24

I’ve noticed this in friends before - having a baby and finding their step kids/ partner‘s older children really difficult to be around. One friend felt her DSD was always dirty and bringing germs round her baby and just generally seemed to be averse to being round her. I wonder if there’s some deep-rooted evolutionary psychology at play?

Either way, it’s good you’re aware of it and asking for advice as this child is an innocent in this situation. No advice, but well done being proactive trying to address it.

iwilldoitsoon · 19/07/2021 10:24

@GettingUntrapped

I'm sure someone will be along soon to tell you that you shouldn't have these feelings because bla bla, your responsibilities etc.
Never deny your own feelings, your feelings exist to protect you (you as a living, breathing human being) but the social script for mother's, and step mothers is to deny your own feelings as they aren't acceptable. Fuck that!

It's not normal to feel that way about a child. It's really not. An 8 year old who makes your skin crawl? It is wrong to suggest this is valid based on the 'step parent' angle. It's not. This kind of feeling is absolutely an indication of something much more.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:26

This kind of feeling is absolutely an indication of something much more.

What are you suggesting it's an indication of?

iwilldoitsoon · 19/07/2021 10:27

@aSofaNearYou

This kind of feeling is absolutely an indication of something much more.

What are you suggesting it's an indication of?

I'm not suggesting anything, I suggested OP speak to her GP/HV.

Nojobforoldmums · 19/07/2021 10:27

Hi OP. I think you are being really brave admitting how you are feeling. I suspect it is natural to feel this way to an extent, as on some level you resent not having the perfect family of three. Whats important is not how you feel, you should be allowed to feel that without guilt, but how you act on it. Seeking support from the HV may be a good call (or not depending on health visitor).

Good luck!

Ozanj · 19/07/2021 10:31

This is a sign of Postnatal Depression. I would just have a quick chat with the HV to get a referral. I promise you it will get better.

helpfulperson · 19/07/2021 10:34

I would have a chat with you HV. This isnt just finding a child annoying and may be related to PND.

KarenofSparta · 19/07/2021 10:36

@TooMuchPaper

Does he know how you feel about him? Do his parents know?
Of course he knows. Children know.

I just hope he's never alone with you OP.

You should speak to someone for your own sake if not that little boy's.

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