I can't STAND my DSC.

[DappledApple]

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

OP, perhaps it would help in you recognized how much your situation and that of the stepson have in common.

Your partner became a parent yet again- nothing particularly new there
for him. The other kids had yet another sibling - nothing particularly new there for them.

You and your step son are the only ones in a new situation. You became a parent for the first time. This is his first time having a new sibling and he is no longer his father's baby.The 2 of you are both in what for you is uncharted territory. His neediness or acting out may be in response to not knowing exactly how this change will impact his place and status in the unit.

You are now a new mom trying to fit this into your role as step mom.

You are both going through a new learning situation. Perhaps, a recognition of the similarities might make it easier to accommodate the challenging moments.

You must confide in DH so that you and he together can work out a way to deal with this.

At the very least, he needs to tell his ex something like Since having the baby, Apple has been struggling with so many children and I'm afraid this means that in the summer hols we can't expect her to be in sole charge of all 4 when I'm at work. "

Try to remember that many kids go through phases of being absolutely infuriating but it's not necessarily permanent. SC will improve with age. :-)

“Soysol

Good for you. I disagree. How it it valid at all? How is it contributing anything to this thread other than to make the OP feel like shit for having feelings.“

What, you angry with me now too? Lol.

I see Mumsnet has removed your original comment.

Na, No pointless, unhelpful MN post has ever made me angry. Just pointing out the uselessness of it. Lol. 🙄

Just to echo PP, I had this with my postnatal depression/anxiety. It got better. I also think some kids get a bit annoying about 8/9 generally! It gets better.

I just feel like I just want to spend my energy and time on DD and no one else.

I know this doesn't make me sound great but I'm really not like this normally.

You've not had a baby and stepchildren before, do you can't really say if you're normally like this it not....the situation hasn't arisen yo validate your comment.

FWIW a dislike and irritation towards stepchildren when a SM (and stepdad) have their own isn't a rarity.

Usually there is an existing irritation, which just gets worse when your own child comes along. I was reading a thread elsewhere and the stepdad was getting really irritated that his stepson was referring to the baby as "my brother" instead of his name.

@DappledApple

I think there is an instinctual element to it as some PPs have mentioned.

I feel like doing anything for DSC, like taking to school or looking after during the hols for example is taking resources away from my baby (my time and energy) and I don't like that at all which makes me really reluctant to do it and really resentful when I do end up doing it. I know it's not entirely logical but that's how it feels to me. I don't want to think about someone else's children, I just want to give all of my time and energy to my own.

I think it's focused on SS because, being difficult anyway, he's the one out of the 3 that requires the most energy and time.

That's how I felt with one of my DSC. I wonder if there's some kind of biological thing behind it. The main thing is you've recognised this so can try and alter it. Don't beat yourself up. Health visitor might be able to refer you to a mental health visitor if they think you need it, or the GP might be able to help.

And congratulations on the little one.

I just feel like I just want to spend my energy and time on DD and no one else. of course you do. Make sure your partner is looking after his kids so you can bond with DD. I felt like this for the first 3 months then it started getting a bit easier.

OP - I dont think you're having a break down or need to seek medical help. I feel the same way since I had my own child, its been over a year now and nothings is changing. Unfortunately i havent been able to hide it from my partner or SD and it has caused very big arguments because I cant quite articulate the exact feelings, whatever is said sounds awful, selfish etc. Im not mean to SD but i feel incredibly uncomfortable in her presence and my partner can see it. If im totally honest i have resigned to the fact that i'll never be 100% happy but then is anyone?

I think its built up resentment, not feeling appreciated as a good mother because the thing that seems most important is how i treat SD rather than doing everything and deeply loving my own child. Not having enough precious time with me partner and our child, mourning the 'nuclear' family i'll never have and the realisation that an ex will be in our lives forever...which for some reason felt much, much bigger once our child came. My partner doesn't understand and i feel constant guilt which pisses me off because the negativity is taking uo space in my head when i just want to fully focus on my baby i feel like i cant talk to anyone about it because no one will understand.

I dont have any advice but just wanted to let you know your not the only one x

I think its built up resentment, not feeling appreciated as a good mother because the thing that seems most important is how i treat SD rather than doing everything and deeply loving my own child. Not having enough precious time with me partner and our child, mourning the 'nuclear' family i'll never have and the realisation that an ex will be in our lives forever...which for some reason felt much, much bigger once our child came. My partner doesn't understand

Wow, your partner knows this and has stayed with you?

@Noterook

I think its built up resentment, not feeling appreciated as a good mother because the thing that seems most important is how i treat SD rather than doing everything and deeply loving my own child. Not having enough precious time with me partner and our child, mourning the 'nuclear' family i'll never have and the realisation that an ex will be in our lives forever...which for some reason felt much, much bigger once our child came. My partner doesn't understand

Wow, your partner knows this and has stayed with you?

What do you mean? Should i not be able to try and explain my feelings to my partner and should he not try and understand, even a little bit?

@harryclr what are you expecting your partner to say? It's okay you don't like my child?

I have had a partner say that about my child and I can say that it made me see him very differently. We are together still (and have a DD together) but it has been extremely rocky and that is one of the reasons.

What do you mean? Should i not be able to try and explain my feelings to my partner and should he not try and understand, even a little bit?

That you resent his child and hate that he cannot give you the life you want ie just being a nuclear family? Erm no! Family, friends sure, but what a position that puts him in, it's not like he can do anything about it except for feel awkward and maybe guilty for seeing his own child.

Some of the comments guilt tripping on here - you actually should be ashamed.

I know the usual is to kick people in this board but the op has clearly struggling with her mental health

Have you all conveniently forgotten what happened to Caroline flack after all the abuse she got, we won't know if that were to happen to op as she's not famous.
As a rule of someone is struggling mentally don't kick them while they are down.

Pfft some of the shaming comments, I have no doubt on fb you have shared something about mental health and my inbox is always open 🙄
Give you heads a wobble.

OP sounds like PND - have you got any support around you like HV/GP/mum friends ?

@Noterook how much research have you done into step mothers with a view to understanding rather than criticising. The feelings of grief and loss are very common and perfectly normal. Lots don't talk about them because people like you and your judgement and nasty comments and that in itself isn't healthy. Just think before you type please

[quote Woodmarsh]@Noterook how much research have you done into step mothers with a view to understanding rather than criticising. The feelings of grief and loss are very common and perfectly normal. Lots don't talk about them because people like you and your judgement and nasty comments and that in itself isn't healthy. Just think before you type please[/quote]
I had a step mother who was very vocal about it, and it ruined the relationship between me and my dad. I agree it's good to talk about it, but think it's not fair to talk about it to the child's parent personally who cannot do anything about it beside not see their child. Its one thing to say I don't want to have step child when you aren't here, I'd like to do some things just us, and then those things.

@Noterook then you’re projecting your personal circumstances and whatever happened in your family on this situation. The reality is that if you relationship with your father broke down, that’s on him. Stop making another person the fall guy. He was your father and irrespective of how your SM felt, that was for him to manage. If the way he managed it was to allow his relationship with you to deteriorate then shame on him.

Time and again it has been explained (til it feels like some of us are blue in the face) that the dynamic when there are resident children vs non resident children, can become very difficult to manage.

In part because the NR children are adjusting to one of their parents living FT with a child that isn’t them. In part because the NRP has some degree of guilt about this and the NRP’s behaviour changes when the NR children arrive. But in amongst all of this, bluntly, some children are just really irritating (just as some adults are).

Typically situations like this can arise because of a multitude of factors. How the OP is feeling is simply that, feelings. Feelings cannot be wrong or right, they’re feelings. Levelling judgement/ negativity at someone for being honest about their feelings is the most unhelpful thing they can do.

Equally (and I say this as a partner), if my partner was struggling with my children, I would hope they could tell me. Why? Because unless I am with a total dick, I’m with this person because they’re a good person. If they are starting to struggle with something, as their partner I would hope that I would support them.

I find one of my exp’s children irritating. I don’t flagellate myself for it - said child has a set of behavioural issues as a result of conflict between their mum and dad and it makes them a very needy/ attention seeking child to be around. Do I understand their behaviour? Yes. Do I like being around them? Not particularly. Do I lose any sleep over that? No.

Would I expect my partner to understand why I feel that way? Yes. Do I equally understand why the child behaves the way they do? Yes.

These situations are complicated. And the OP should be able to talk to her partner about it. About how hard she’s finding it and her feelings. If her partner loves her and is mature enough to not make everything about ‘MY CHILDREN.’ Then he can’t work with the OP and give her the support she needs so she can give her baby (and herself) the rest and recovery she needs.

Not everything is about the SC FGs!

It isn’t going to help particularly if she says she doesn’t like his son and he makes her skin crawl though. He’s only eight and his dad will probably feel protective and quite sad.

I’ve said upthread I think she should tell her DH, but I think it would be better to approach it from the angle of getting used to being a mum and needing space to do so, so not being available for childcare.

Perhaps not. And perhaps there is room to be a little more diplomatic. But the piling on the Op from some posters is disgusting!

It’s not normal to feel this way. Says who?
Vile comments from some posters on here.

It may be PND and the Op may need support. It may be that the child is deeply irritating and not pleasant to be around. It may be that the OP’s DH changes when his children are around/ doesn’t manage the situation appropriately. It could be that the OP is just tired and overwhelmed and the shift from NR children not being there to being there is suddenly much harder to handle.

I can imagine it being a culmination of all of the above. Combined with the fact that said child in question is not (perhaps) pleasant to be around. It happens.

[quote sassbott]@Noterook then you’re projecting your personal circumstances and whatever happened in your family on this situation. The reality is that if you relationship with your father broke down, that’s on him. Stop making another person the fall guy. He was your father and irrespective of how your SM felt, that was for him to manage. If the way he managed it was to allow his relationship with you to deteriorate then shame on him.

Time and again it has been explained (til it feels like some of us are blue in the face) that the dynamic when there are resident children vs non resident children, can become very difficult to manage.

In part because the NR children are adjusting to one of their parents living FT with a child that isn’t them. In part because the NRP has some degree of guilt about this and the NRP’s behaviour changes when the NR children arrive. But in amongst all of this, bluntly, some children are just really irritating (just as some adults are).

Typically situations like this can arise because of a multitude of factors. How the OP is feeling is simply that, feelings. Feelings cannot be wrong or right, they’re feelings. Levelling judgement/ negativity at someone for being honest about their feelings is the most unhelpful thing they can do.

Equally (and I say this as a partner), if my partner was struggling with my children, I would hope they could tell me. Why? Because unless I am with a total dick, I’m with this person because they’re a good person. If they are starting to struggle with something, as their partner I would hope that I would support them.

I find one of my exp’s children irritating. I don’t flagellate myself for it - said child has a set of behavioural issues as a result of conflict between their mum and dad and it makes them a very needy/ attention seeking child to be around. Do I understand their behaviour? Yes. Do I like being around them? Not particularly. Do I lose any sleep over that? No.

Would I expect my partner to understand why I feel that way? Yes. Do I equally understand why the child behaves the way they do? Yes.

These situations are complicated. And the OP should be able to talk to her partner about it. About how hard she’s finding it and her feelings. If her partner loves her and is mature enough to not make everything about ‘MY CHILDREN.’ Then he can’t work with the OP and give her the support she needs so she can give her baby (and herself) the rest and recovery she needs.

Not everything is about the SC FGs![/quote]
I wasn't on about the OP, I was responding to a different poster who said something pretty different.

And I never said it was unusual to feel like that, or it shouldn't be spoken about at all, are you projecting?

[quote sassbott]@Noterook then you’re projecting your personal circumstances and whatever happened in your family on this situation. The reality is that if you relationship with your father broke down, that’s on him. Stop making another person the fall guy. He was your father and irrespective of how your SM felt, that was for him to manage. If the way he managed it was to allow his relationship with you to deteriorate then shame on him.

Time and again it has been explained (til it feels like some of us are blue in the face) that the dynamic when there are resident children vs non resident children, can become very difficult to manage.

In part because the NR children are adjusting to one of their parents living FT with a child that isn’t them. In part because the NRP has some degree of guilt about this and the NRP’s behaviour changes when the NR children arrive. But in amongst all of this, bluntly, some children are just really irritating (just as some adults are).

Typically situations like this can arise because of a multitude of factors. How the OP is feeling is simply that, feelings. Feelings cannot be wrong or right, they’re feelings. Levelling judgement/ negativity at someone for being honest about their feelings is the most unhelpful thing they can do.

Equally (and I say this as a partner), if my partner was struggling with my children, I would hope they could tell me. Why? Because unless I am with a total dick, I’m with this person because they’re a good person. If they are starting to struggle with something, as their partner I would hope that I would support them.

I find one of my exp’s children irritating. I don’t flagellate myself for it - said child has a set of behavioural issues as a result of conflict between their mum and dad and it makes them a very needy/ attention seeking child to be around. Do I understand their behaviour? Yes. Do I like being around them? Not particularly. Do I lose any sleep over that? No.

Would I expect my partner to understand why I feel that way? Yes. Do I equally understand why the child behaves the way they do? Yes.

These situations are complicated. And the OP should be able to talk to her partner about it. About how hard she’s finding it and her feelings. If her partner loves her and is mature enough to not make everything about ‘MY CHILDREN.’ Then he can’t work with the OP and give her the support she needs so she can give her baby (and herself) the rest and recovery she needs.

Not everything is about the SC FGs![/quote]
So if your partner told you your kids make his skin crawl you'd be 'understanding'. I doubt it.

Yes I would actually. Because if someone I love says something that would be out of character for them, I’d want to understand whether they were ok and what was happening at a wider level.

Unless you’re with someone (as I said before) who is a complete dick, a comment like this would point to something else going on. And I would seek to understand at a first step, not judge.

If I had to pretend to my DP that his son wasn't really, really irritating most of the time I'd go insane. He knows he can be irritating.

I understand that the comment about being sad not to have a nuclear family isn't really something to keep pushing on your partner, though I'd say if these feelings are felt deeply the ONLY healthy thing is to air them, rather than bottle them up. But this is different from that. If a child is really poorly behaved, it really isn't on for the parent to bury their head in the sand and expect their partner to never mention it lest they hit the roof.

I talk about my partner's feelings regardless of whether I can do something about them. I expect the same in reverse, even if it is about his son. Talking about feelings IS doing something about them in a lot of cases.

@DappledApple

I would talk to your dp, I think your clarification makes a lot more sense than the original op. You are struggling with his behaviour rather than him, much easier to talk about - his parents (and it is their responsibility) need to give you the space to get through the early stages of motherhood and address his behaviour at the same time. Sounds like your relationship with the other 2 is ok, and it might help if occasionally you can watch the (better behaved) 2 and his dad can deal with the youngest who sounds like they are struggling with the family set up etc. Not an expert by any means but this youngster has been through his parents splitting, new relationship and now new sibling, he needs his dad to make him feel wanted and special