I can't STAND my DSC.

[DappledApple]

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

You're not comparing like with like. If a child has an absentee/dead parent, and was relatively young when the step parent came into their life, then a more parental role tends to be assumed. That's much less often the case where the child, say, still has a mum. And lives with them!

The term 'step-parent' is so dated. It should really be done away with.

I think this has gone on a slight tangent, the "helping out" part wasn't supposed to be the main point of my post. I personally do feel it's helping out my DSCs parents and I know they too see it that way. I don't think a one size fits all approach is really relevant with step families there are far too many variables.

I found my relationships with dh's kids changed when I had my own.

The difference between my own baby who I could love and care for exactly how I wanted to, and the others who came with lots of rules about what I was and was not allowed to do really hit me. This baby was my own little person and the complications that came with the stepkids suddenly felt difficult and overwhelming and irritating in comparison in a way they never did before.

I took a step back, left dh to do much more with the older kids on their own. It got easier as baby got older and I could see them all playing together and being happy together. But it took a while.

@DappledApple I genuinely could have written this, except I'm still heavily pregnant and I've two older children of my own too.

DSS is the only one I feel like this about, the other two DCS don't cause me any ill feeling.

He's never been my favourite child, he seems to encompass all the characteristics that I just dislike generally in children. He's rude, aggressive, he lies a lot, etc, but I've always been able to overlook it before and it never really got to me.

Suddenly it's this huge thing and everything about him just irritates me. I'm really hoping it's hormones and will go away shortly!

I think your attitude towards your step son will change as your baby grows, op.

I'm sure it is awful for you to feel that way but as long as you do your best not to show it and your husband is fully engaged with him, as well as with you and the baby, it will pass and everything will be almost as it was before.

We can't help how we feel, it's how we deal with those feelings that count. Expressing them anonymously on here will help.

Congratulations btw. I hope you and your baby are both well.

I imagine this is fairly normal OP, if mainly unspoken. I feel like a lot of people would struggle to spend intense amounts of time around someone else's child if they're not a huge fan, especially when they are trying to look after a tiny baby as well and dealing with everything that comes with that. Normally if you don't really like a kid you can avoid them fairly easily. You can't do that with your SC.

It sounds like the things you could brush aside prior to your baby are now playing a bigger part, maybe because you can't get away as easily or they are impacting your baby. Also you're knackered so of course everything is more draining.

As long as you're not acting these thoughts out so your SS knows then I can't see what more you can do except keep getting out and about. Hopefully as your own baby gets a bit older and they start developing a relationship your dislike will lessen and you'll warm to him again.

I don't have stepchildren but it seems fairly obvious on a basic instinctive level you feel protective of your new baby and that may translate to feeling "threatened" by a child that is not yours being in your space. It is probably an uncomfortable feeling and something you have no control over

@excelledyourself

The term 'step-parent' is so dated. It should really be done away with.

I agree. It's so loaded with expectation when in reality most people who are married to a parent actually have little input in parenting their SCs, particularly when both parents are still around and involved.

My SCs have 2 loving parents and while I happily do things with and for them it's certainly nothing near what would be classed as 'parenting'. They don't consider me to be their parent and I don't consider them to be my children. We get along great and are happy to spend time together. But we're not parent and child, and that's fine.

I think you really should consider post natal depression or anxiety. Check in with your GP. It doesn't always present how you think it would.

I'm not a step parent but I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. I find my own kids very irritating at times, but at least I'm in the position of being able to take action. My older son is very easy going, my younger son is a whirlwind of activity and chaos, and I know I'm guilty of reacting earlier to his behaviour as it's a cumulative wearing away of my patience.

I also think that you shouldn't be pilloried for being honest. Self-awareness is a positive thing as you're trying to find the best way of behaving towards him. I like kids but I'm also relieved when they go home - you're in a more difficult position of having him around a lot but you're not his parent to set the rules. Appreciate there's a duty of care towards making step children feel loved and we're the adults so it's on us. However, it sounds as if you're struggling at the moment and you shouldn't feel bad for that.

Hmm remember a few weeks ago when there was a focus on making this area supportive and understanding of step parents and the difficulties they face? That didn't last long did it. I've reported a few posts on here hopefully MN will look at them

@aSofaNearYou etc al thank you as always for your posts

It's not your fault and it's not your DSS's fault either.

It sounds like a hormonal/PND type situation. There may be no easy fixes but it will pass eventually

Seek support from GP/HV and do everything you can to ensure your 8 year old DSS never realises how you feel.

It's better to see him less often at the moment until this passes.

Remember, this isn't you or who you really are.

This also isn't him or who he really is.

Having a baby can do strange things to us, get support and work on doing whatever it takes for you all to come out of this unscathed. Good luck.

Agree with the above, my kids are also irritating at times, but with them I have that filter of unconditional love so it doesn't seem to bother me so much.

I don't have that with DSS

What Teaandakitkat said.
We dont even have kids together, but 3 each, and bloody hell I would not have moved together had I known then what I know now about the pitfalls and challenges of step-parenting and blended families.
I even made the mistake of taking my kids and moving into their house. Even though it was very gradual over a couple of years (we waited 4 years before we moved together) it has thrown up so many challenges I would have been happier without. One being the «your kids vs my kids», which I can understand is amplified when it is «our kid vs your kid».
We are now moving to a New, «just ours» house, and I am really looking forward to it.
And we are doing quite well, all things considered! I do care very much for my SC, and do help out when appropriate and not to the detriment of my own!
With 3 of them living with us full time (DD, DS and DSD), and 2 of the others spending the majority of their time here, I’d say they feel at home and welcome.

But with their other parent very much alive and in the picture, with rules from the Golden years of family bliss still expected to be adhered to, and just the fact that kids are often very difficult to deal with (for various reasons), these feelings of not liking the step-children do arise.
And if you feel that it is affecting your behaviour around the little boy, then do seek help.

Is it something in particular he does that makes you feel such a strong aversion? Just wondering if there is a particular trigger. I’m not sure what to suggest, you’re obviously very aware and don’t want to be feeling this way, but it’s hard to stop yourself from feeling how you feel.

Would it be possible to DH to take the baby out somewhere and maybe you spend an hour or so alone with stepson? You say this only started when you had your daughter, maybe if you were alone with him you would remember how you felt about him before.

I know you’ve said you don’t want to speak to your husband, which I totally understand, but could you let him know you’re struggling a bit? Doesn’t need to be saying the stepson makes your skin crawl etc but maybe something like you’re just trying to get used to being a mum at the moment so will possibly not be able to offer babysitting and helping as much as you have before.

@Woodmarsh

Hmm remember a few weeks ago when there was a focus on making this area supportive and understanding of step parents and the difficulties they face? That didn't last long did it. I've reported a few posts on here hopefully MN will look at them

@aSofaNearYou etc al thank you as always for your posts

No problem @Woodmarsh, it has definitely become more vicious on here again sadly.

Hi OP.

I'm a stepmum who has brought up stepkids full time for a decade, and I went through something very similar when my first baby was born (but not my second). I also remember clearly that my 'baby blues' day three of hormones was spent sobbing uncontrollably at the idea that something might happen to me and my tiny baby would be brought up by someone who didn't love them, like I didn't love my stepkids, because I'd realised what a huge difference there was in my feelings for them to my baby.

It did go away; I still know that I love them differently to my biological children, and they know that too, to an extent, as we've talked about feelings over the years. But they also know I love them, I have parented them for most of their lives, and I have done my utmost to hide times when they drove me mad and I didn't have the knock-out strong parental love to see my through.

I do also find my biological children profoundly irritating on occasions which does help me put some of it into context looking back.

None of us is perfect, and we all make parenting mistakes, so I won't say I haven't done and said the wrong things to my stepkids at times. Ditto my own.

You clearly care very deeply about this, enough to be asking for help. I would recommend talking to your HV, if good, or your GP, and telling them about this, as post-birth hormones are a total nightmare and we underestimate what they do to us.

[quote NCwhatsmynameagain]@aSofaNearYou becoming a step-parent means you take on some responsibility for those children, they are now your step-children, not DP’s kids. So being involved in their care is not helping out, it’s being a step-parent.[/quote]
I've seen this opinion stated so many times, but if the parent and step-parent split up, the step parent may never see that child again. I've seen that happen so many times. The child won't ask to see SP, the actual parent won't want them to, and the SP is left high and dry and grieving for the child they had been led to believe was part of their family.
So no, I don't think the chid is your responsibility.
You sound to be a nice person, the fact that you are calling yourself out shows that.
As other people have said, the fact that you have such a strong aversion to this child does suggest that there are maybe other issues here, maybe PND?

@AndSoFinally

Agree with the above, my kids are also irritating at times, but with them I have that filter of unconditional love so it doesn't seem to bother me so much.

I don't have that with DSS

Yes absolutely. People really underestimate the reality of this, especially when you're talking about a step child with "challenging" behaviour.

My toddler DD can be hard work. But at the same time, everything about her is very dear to me, so little things she does constantly reset the balance. She can have had a raging tantrum one minute, but then her smile will melt my heart, or the way she says certain things, or the way she hugs me. We are hard wired to find those things incredibly endearing in our own children.

I don't feel any of that for DSS. His mannerisms don't automatically make me feel love and adoration, I don't think "aaaw that's cute" every 5 seconds, in fact I rarely do. So when he acts up, I'm not quickly distracted and brought back around, those things stick. You have to try actively to let them go, rather than finding it just happens. Since with "challenging" children those moments happen more often than not, it's often best to just take a step back and leave their parents to deal with it. They are the one's emotionally hardwired and equipped to do so.

Frankly, I'd put it down to sleep deprivation. I suffer from chronic insomnia and it makes me want to do nothing but what brings me instant pleasure.

Can you try to see if there are changes you could put in place to sleep better?

My DSC are adults. I married their father when he was widowed. I never tried to mother them but to be a friend and aunt-by-marriage type relation, and I know if DH and I split up I would never see them again. I have not invested overmuch in the relationship and they definitely have never been my responsibility.

To people saying this isn't normal. Kids that age are often really fucking annoying. Obviously you don't think your own are. Especially if he already has challenging behaviour. It's totally normal for anyone to find that age annoying. Let alone when op is dealing with a baby.

@Neondisco

To people saying this isn't normal. Kids that age are often really fucking annoying. Obviously you don't think your own are. Especially if he already has challenging behaviour. It's totally normal for anyone to find that age annoying. Let alone when op is dealing with a baby.

Annoying yes. Of course. Making your skin crawl, No. OP recognises that herself which is why she has posted.