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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I can't STAND my DSC.

213 replies

DappledApple · 19/07/2021 09:29

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

OP posts:
gogohm · 19/07/2021 10:37

These feelings aren't normal, talk to your hv or gp, like others I'm concerned about your mental health.

To others, yes step parents aren't fully responsible for their step children BUT they accepted the role of of step parent when they got involved with someone who already had children, no child deserves to have a step parent who admits on an online forum that they cannot stand them, it's just a kid even if they are a pain in the backside! Helping out is fine as an expression in relation to the school holidays but we need to acknowledge that this isn't a random child, it's the much loved child of their partner.

Yes I have my partners dc living full time with us.

Rioja81 · 19/07/2021 10:40

Agreed @gogohm

GettingUntrapped · 19/07/2021 10:42

OMG, some of the replies on here!!!
Guilt tripping, telling you your feelings are wrong. They are just feelings, and it probably has something to do with you wanting to give your resources to your own child, which is 100 percent normal as they are still only a baby.

iwilldoitsoon · 19/07/2021 10:45

@GettingUntrapped

OMG, some of the replies on here!!! Guilt tripping, telling you your feelings are wrong. They are just feelings, and it probably has something to do with you wanting to give your resources to your own child, which is 100 percent normal as they are still only a baby.

OP herself has said

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do

People are not trying to do anything other than encourage OP seeks help.

Noterook · 19/07/2021 10:45

Overall its not unreasonable at all to not want to look after him if your DH isn't there, but you should speak to someone about this as your step son will pick up on it. If you feel this strongly then its unlikely that others won't eventually notice (if they haven't already), it's a very strong way to describe feelings towards a child.

princesslarmadrama · 19/07/2021 10:46

My ex's partner is like this with my eldest and he certainly knows he isn't welcome when she is around and his dad doesn't believe there's anything wrong. As long as her two kids get everything she isn't bothered about her two step kids. They are 8 & 10 and going over there less and less. You need to talk to your partner and not let the child know you hate them.

claralara42 · 19/07/2021 10:48

It really doesn't mean that. It means you are married to a parent. That is all. Any additional help you give, is just that, help

That's what it means to some people. To others, with a better understanding and more compassion...it means a lot more.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:50

To others, yes step parents aren't fully responsible for their step children BUT they accepted the role of of step parent when they got involved with someone who already had children, no child deserves to have a step parent who admits on an online forum that they cannot stand them, it's just a kid even if they are a pain in the backside! Helping out is fine as an expression in relation to the school holidays but we need to acknowledge that this isn't a random child, it's the much loved child of their partner.

Hmmm. If you can't admit those feelings online, where can you? All things handled well by all parties and the child purely just being a pain in the backside, I agree hate is a strong feeling to have. But pile on top unreasonable demands and expectations from the partner and huge, unforgiving societal pressure to adore them, and the picture becomes much fuller and harder to deal with. Resentment sets in. That's why I say people should think more carefully before throwing out unhelpful, judgemental untruths like that helping with childcare is her responsibility.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:52

That's what it means to some people. To others, with a better understanding and more compassion...it means a lot more.

I find the idea that you think that side of the argument is the one with compassion laughable, tbh.

Acknowledging that it is helping out does not mean you never do it. It means everyone is appreciated for who they are and what they are doing, rather than being put upon and taken for granted. "Assume this responsibility of mine to be your own with no gratitude at all from me, or you are a bad person". Not a very compassionate thing to do to someone.

Youseethethingis · 19/07/2021 10:53

To others, with a better understanding and more compassion...it means a lot more
Just goes to show that families, people and relationships are all different and one person's "understanding and compassion" would be another person's path to a life of being treated like a doormat and taken for granted, with all the grunt work dumped at their door but none of the power to decide what happens in their life because ultimately the kid isn't theirs and they don't get to decide anything.
You'd think a person of understanding or compassion would be able to see that but, I guess not

Original poster
DappledApple · 19/07/2021 10:56

I think a couple of poster's have hit on a couple of things that I feel but didn't express in my OP.

It probably has something to do with you wanting to give your resources to your own child, which is 100 percent normal as they are still only a baby

I think there are definitely feelings of this. I know it's not rational but I do feel like I don't want to dedicate time to doing things with/for DSC when I could be with DD and I get frustrated with that.

I hadn't thought of PND as I don't feel depressed at all. Tired and a bit overwhelmed sometimes but not down. This is the only thing that has alarmed me.

I think I am definitely lacking in patience that I used to have more of before the baby. I'm not getting a huge amount of sleep still so I'm sure that's contributing.

My SS's behaviour has always been challenging. Even his parents have struggled a lot with him in the past. He is definitely the most badly behaved of the children and my husband would agree. So I think things I used to be able to just ignore and brush off are now getting to me more.

One thing I don't think though is that it's to do with wanting to be a family of 3 with DH and DD. I have never been bothered that he has children and have always gotten along with them really well (and still do the others). Eldest is so good with their baby sister and I love seeing it.

I just feel like I just want to spend my energy and time on DD and no one else.

I know this doesn't make me sound great but I'm really not like this normally.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 10:57

OP, speak to your doctor or midwife - you are transferring your anxieties onto this 8yo and it isn’t fair.

This is your DC’s sibling and you need to get some perspective - ‘skin crawl’ is very strong and not at all appropriate for a little boy (which you recognise).

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 10:59

@DappledApple

I think a couple of poster's have hit on a couple of things that I feel but didn't express in my OP.

It probably has something to do with you wanting to give your resources to your own child, which is 100 percent normal as they are still only a baby

I think there are definitely feelings of this. I know it's not rational but I do feel like I don't want to dedicate time to doing things with/for DSC when I could be with DD and I get frustrated with that.

I hadn't thought of PND as I don't feel depressed at all. Tired and a bit overwhelmed sometimes but not down. This is the only thing that has alarmed me.

I think I am definitely lacking in patience that I used to have more of before the baby. I'm not getting a huge amount of sleep still so I'm sure that's contributing.

My SS's behaviour has always been challenging. Even his parents have struggled a lot with him in the past. He is definitely the most badly behaved of the children and my husband would agree. So I think things I used to be able to just ignore and brush off are now getting to me more.

One thing I don't think though is that it's to do with wanting to be a family of 3 with DH and DD. I have never been bothered that he has children and have always gotten along with them really well (and still do the others). Eldest is so good with their baby sister and I love seeing it.

I just feel like I just want to spend my energy and time on DD and no one else.

I know this doesn't make me sound great but I'm really not like this normally.

It makes you sound fine OP, nothing you've said there is shocking. Their dad needs to take the lead with them and allow you to focus on your DD.
claralara42 · 19/07/2021 11:01

@Youseethethingis

To others, with a better understanding and more compassion...it means a lot more Just goes to show that families, people and relationships are all different and one person's "understanding and compassion" would be another person's path to a life of being treated like a doormat and taken for granted, with all the grunt work dumped at their door but none of the power to decide what happens in their life because ultimately the kid isn't theirs and they don't get to decide anything. You'd think a person of understanding or compassion would be able to see that but, I guess not
Lol, predicted that answer straight away. Only on MN! I predicted grunt work, dumped, and door mat.....so easy to guess what shit someone would come out with. Hilarious.
aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 11:02

Lol, predicted that answer straight away. Only on MN! I predicted grunt work, dumped, and door mat.....so easy to guess what shit someone would come out with.
Hilarious.

Haha and this is supposed to be compassionate?? You literally can't make this shit up.

claralara42 · 19/07/2021 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Toooldtobother · 19/07/2021 11:06

Just focus on on your own child and don't feel guilty. You didn't make the other children - they are their parents responsibility.

whistlers · 19/07/2021 11:07

@claralara42

Haha and this is supposed to be compassionate?? You literally can't make this shit up

Compassionate to step children sweetie, not ranting harpies on MN who think caring about your SC means a lifetime of drudgery and grunt work. Do keep up.

You're not coming across well at all
whistlers · 19/07/2021 11:07

@Toooldtobother

Just focus on on your own child and don't feel guilty. You didn't make the other children - they are their parents responsibility.
Except she married the child's father...
wanttomarryamillionaire · 19/07/2021 11:08

I used to feel this way towards dsc! Not helped by the fact that he was extremely spoilt, rude and spoke to adults like something he had stepped in. Obviously I didn't treat him any differently to any of the other kids but looking back i can see that i was sometimes snappy and abrupt with him. I distanced myself and only had contact in small bursts. He is now older and i am far more tolerant of him and just bite my tongue when he is rude or obnoxious! I always kept in mind the fact that it was not his fault that his mother and father allowed him to behave this way and it also helped that other people ( friends and relatives) also noticed that he was not a very likeable child.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 19/07/2021 11:12

It absolutely is 'helping out'. In most instances, a step-child still has two parents - why might they need four? They don't, and very often the biological parents don't want the step-parents doing ersatz parenting at any rate. What they're doing is what a close friend/aunt etc might do. Helping out.

Youseethethingis · 19/07/2021 11:13

Lol, predicted that answer straight away. Only on MN! I predicted grunt work, dumped, and door mat.....so easy to guess what shit someone would come out with.
Hilarious
Well I'm happy you compassionately find the horrible situations many SMs find themselves in hilarious. Hurrah for you.
I do alot with and for my DSD because I care about her. The difference is that I'm not actually responsible for her and nothing is automatically expected of me because I'm not her mother and don't pretend to myself, DSD or anyone else that I am.
Because telling lies is wrong.

zoemum2006 · 19/07/2021 11:16

Wow this thread is freaking me out. I never knew my biological father and was raised by my (step) dad from the age of 18 months.

I had no idea that he wasn't supposed to have a parental role in my life.

Luckily he still liked me after his proper child was born.

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2021 11:18

@claralara42

Haha and this is supposed to be compassionate?? You literally can't make this shit up

Compassionate to step children sweetie, not ranting harpies on MN who think caring about your SC means a lifetime of drudgery and grunt work. Do keep up.

Yes, people like you make it abundantly clear you only have space in your head for compassion for the step kids. Hence why it is so laughable that you think you are the compassionate ones. It is perfectly possible to care about the children AND receive the appropriate level of appreciation from your partner through acknowledgment that what you are doing is helping them.

Imagine a mum without step kids on here talking about being left with the drudge work and unappreciated by their partners being laughed at and called "ranting harpies". Those commenters wouldn't be considered compassionate. It's an absolute joke.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/07/2021 11:21

Marrying a child's father does not automatically equal taking on parental responsibility for his kids. Don't feel guilty about wanting to take a step back in this child's care as you need to focus your energies on your baby. That's completely natural no matter what some others will tell you.

FWIW my youngest stepchild irritates the shit out of me with his computer games and constant need to talk about them in great detail. Many people are not naturally programmed to like other people's kids, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I hate him or don't care about him. It just means I leave most of his care to his actual parents. But for some on this board what I have just admitted is a cardinal sin.