I can't STAND my DSC.

[DappledApple]

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

None of us know what your sc is like. He could be the most annoying kid in the world. However it is the change in feelings that is the concern. If previous to having your own child you did not find SC so tiresome then you may have a type of and that could be helped by seeking medical advice. In the meanwhile tell your partner and if necessary his ex you are feeling a little overwhelmed since your child born and you won't be able to help out with SC for a while. Get help soon OP. You will overcome these feelings and get back to normal.

@kirinm if my partner said this - It would flag to me my partner is struggling (because I know I haven't married a dxixk) and would dive in deeper to find out why my DP said that and see what I could do to help.

I wouldn't shame my partner because shame is what stops people from talking about mental health issues. Mums have said this about their own children due to mental health and it doesn't mean they don't love their kids.

Hi OP,
I think it’s a really sincere post you’ve done about your feelings and a brave thing acknowledging them .. I certainly don’t get the impression that you really actually dislike your SC, more you feel upset about your own reaction to them and want to understand it.. be kind to yourself -You’ve just had a baby a few months ago and this has a huge impact on how we feel about our own identity and the changes it naturally brings to life (!) plus the huge stress of being tired and not having time to yourself anymore!.It sounds to me that you are just needing to, well, have some time and space. I felt similar feelings when I had my son and felt really guilty about it. From reading your post you’ve had a lot of hands on care of your dsc but now you’ve got the responsibility of your own child which is really intense when they are that age and I would imagine your reaction relates to simply feeling overwhelmed to the idea of having to care or have the added responsibility for your dsc too at the moment - it’s hard work having be interested and engaged all the time when you are spending time with stepchildren. I’d give yourself a break 😀accept your feelings right now and find practical ways to get space without it appearing rejecting- find other little kind ways to still make your dsc feel welcome and it will pass in time...

@sassbott & @aSofaNearYou is there anyway of speaking to you privately? I cant seem to message anyone on here? I dont see the option

[quote harryclr]**@sassbott* & @aSofaNearYou* is there anyway of speaking to you privately? I cant seem to message anyone on here? I dont see the option[/quote]
Feel free! Are you using the app? I think you can only send private messages on the website.

@kirinm
So if your partner told you your kids make his skin crawl you'd be 'understanding'. I doubt it.

I agree...I very much doubt any parent would understand it put like this. I personally wouldn't remain in a relationship with someone who said this about my child.

If my DH (my DCs dad) told me that one of our joint kids made his skin crawl, I wouldn't stay with him, so I wouldn't think twice about ending it with a stepdad.

As it is, I think my DH favours one of our DC (moreso when they were younger) and I didn’t like it, but he denies it. Except that child also noticed....so as much as people think they hide it, the kids can tell.

It's one thing to say they're irritating or annoying...everyone can irritate us at some point.

I just wouldn't want my child around someone who had such negative feelings towards them...It would worry me.

If by some miracle I was to remain in the relationship, I would want to keep my child out of the way of a partner who didn't like them ....I'd feel the need to protect my child and I think the whole situation would affect my feelings towards my partner too.

There have been a few comments about how the dad should be able to understand or accept how the OP feels...but this understanding goes both ways.

The best way to phrase it, is linking it to SS behaviour, rather than him as a person. So express that you find it difficult when he does x, y or z. Be specific about the behaviours you find challenging.

I would also add that, whilst you may not use the words that he makes your skin crawl...be aware of your body language and facial expression if/when you raise it with your DP... as non verbal communication is more powerful than words.

I think OP knows that saying the DSC makes her skin crawl will not be received well despite the suggestion that lots of PP here would be understanding (which I highly doubt). It's a really unpleasant thing to say let alone genuinely feel.

I also agree that kids can be seriously irritating and saying that wouldn't be so troublesome.

@kirinm

I think OP knows that saying the DSC makes her skin crawl will not be received well despite the suggestion that lots of PP here would be understanding (which I highly doubt). It's a really unpleasant thing to say let alone genuinely feel.

I also agree that kids can be seriously irritating and saying that wouldn't be so troublesome.

I agree that that phrase would be a particularly unpleasant thing to say, there's no need to use that particular phrase. But I wouldn't hold back in terms of how his behaviour generally, makes me feel and that is something I would expect my DP to be able to understand. And he does! So I know it is not impossible to discuss the less favourable sides of your SCs personality without their parent "rethinking the relationship". In fact, if calling a spade a spade and openly admitting that the natural consequence of the SCs annoying behaviour has occured and I am, in fact, annoyed by him, would make my partner react that way, then I'D be rethinking the relationship. It works both ways, as I would not want to live with defensiveness and denial.

@SandyY2K well you clearly don’t think very highly of your DH if that’s your view IMO.

If you love someone and think (fundamentally) that they are a good, kind person. Why would you end a marriage over them being honest and saying something (that bluntly is very hard to own up to). Unless you are a total monster, no adult would take any pride in feeling this way. Where’s the empathy?

As a parent, I cannot fathom (at any level) this level of defensiveness over children. To the complete detriment of a partners emotional/ mental well-being.

@harryclr sure. You need to use the website to do so.

@sassbott

Yes I would actually. Because if someone I love says something that would be out of character for them, I’d want to understand whether they were ok and what was happening at a wider level.

Unless you’re with someone (as I said before) who is a complete dick, a comment like this would point to something else going on. And I would seek to understand at a first step, not judge.

C'mon, when someone's openly told you they can't stand your child? (& that's putting it politely)!?

As if.

I've heard it all now. Utter virtue-signalling bollocks.

*C'mon, when someone's openly told you they can't stand your child? (& that's putting it politely)!?

As if.

I've heard it all now. Utter virtue-signalling bollocks.*

I've had conversations like this with my DP. He's been totally able to recognise what's lead to that point and we've discussed practical solutions together that have lead to improvements.

Thanks for everyone's comments.

Bit of a random update...

I decided to take SS out for a milkshake (there is a nice shop by us that he likes) after school yesterday. Someone mentioned earlier in the thread trying to spend some time with him.

We actually had a really fun time. I feel a bit better after it actually. We laughed and then went to the park after and played football whilst DH had the others and baby at home.

I feel a bit better about the situation now and that it's not actually just me being a horrid person and will speak to the GP about it to see if there is something else going on but I feel like that really broke the cycle we were in so that's good.

Awesome update OP! Though I will say I think you are internalizing too much the idea that these feelings made you a horrid person. They never did.

I would continue with the plan to, as much as possible, just go to your happy place/focus on the baby when his behaviour becomes challenging. It's much easier to enjoy someone's company when you're primarily involved in the good bits.

Excellent update! I'm glad you feel better.

That's lovely to hear. I hope the GP is helpful.

@DappledApple I don’t know you but I felt really proud of you after reading that update!
And for being so open about your feelings

Hi OP. Well done for being brave, acknowledging your feelings and realising there is an issue. I was initially reacting angrily to this post when i read the wording (making skin crawl etc), but then looked at your latest posts... Considering it all, it might be postpartum depression, feeling overwhelmed or a number of other things. It certainly does not make you a monster unless you act on it and make the SC excluded or disadvantaged. Please see a therapist if that is an option.

You also need to realise your situation is unique to you. Some SM on this thread will give general comments like "have distance" which is not useful at all, because the kids are in your life, will continue to be so. They are your family. Imagine if someone said to you have distance to your DH or DC. How can that be realised in real life without being uncomfortable? What you want is a happy, sincere family that is inclusive dont you? So you should work on that, not taking the shortcut and ignoring a part of your family. I think most of the issues in SM threads come from SMs not realising or refusing to realise that these kids are family and insisting that they are some second class citizens they have zero responsibility for and if they are tolerated, that's enough really. Maybe, rarely, with some posters it is the best solution as they cant stand their sc due to their own issues or the kid's issues. But your case doesnt seem to be so. You were ok with them before. So I would advise the opposite - keep at it, build a relationship with him/them that is apart from your relation to your DC, DH. This small person is an individual, you can build a special bond with him, and your latest update shows that there is hope...Sometimes seeing past the annoying behaviour (if there is any) and focussing on the vulnerability of small DC helps.

What they're doing is what a close friend/aunt etc might do. Helping out.

I find this such an alien way to think of being a step-parent. I guess it depends on if they still have the other parent involved? In my family there is a step-father who acts fully in the role of father for his step-son as his bio-dad isn't involved, he sees him as absolutely as much his responsibility as his bio son. My own upbringing was the same, there was no distinction really emotionally or responsibility-wise between my bio-mum or bio-grandmother and my step-father or step-grandfather.

All families work differently clearly.

I've just seen your update, honestly you are doing amazing. If only there were more people in the world like you who acknowledge a problem, get advice and act on it.

@Teenyton

I think most of the issues in SM threads come from SMs not realising or refusing to realise that these kids are family and insisting that they are some second class citizens they have zero responsibility for and if they are tolerated, that's enough really

On what basis are you making such a sweeping judgement about SM’s? Are you a SM yourself? What’s your personal experience?

Without talking to anyone else’s personal experience, let me reiterate mine. The only person who did not want my exp’s children to be treated like family was their mother. She could not tolerate my being around her children, her children bonding with me. She viewed as a direct threat to her. The children were under absolutely no illusions that their mother did not want me around and (sadly), over time that created a loyalty bind within these children. If you have been around/ witnessed children in this situation, then honestly, it is heartbreaking. The kindest thing that I could do (and did do) was to absolutely create distance. Because in itself that removed a lot of the emotional pressure the children were under and most importantly allowed them to enjoy contact with their father. Because regardless of what the mother was doing in the background, she couldn’t make them feel the same way about their own father - fortunately.

In terms of second class citizens? Again what is this based on? If anything, what I see on here time and again (and was my personal experience) is that the second class citizens are the resident children. When the NR children arrive, there is a lot of pressure from the NRP to pivot to meet the needs of the NR children. So two tier systems are created time and again, and very rarely is it of the SP’s doing.

The people who have the most sway in how SC appear, how they transition between homes and how they engage in the wider families are the actual parents themselves. Where there are amicable, child based co parenting arrangements with all the adults working together, the chances of there being issues is slim.

Where however, if one / both of the parents are high conflict/ non supportive/ engages in parental alienation/ messes with contact arrangements/ is generally difficult/ unboundaried, then step parenting becomes a nightmare situation. And often times, the only thing a step parent can do it detach. For their own sanity and equally to not heighten conflict/ problems that already exist.

Well done, OP

Talk to a therapist
Get some professional help
It is not the dsc fault

@LeonieSims

What they're doing is what a close friend/aunt etc might do. Helping out.

I find this such an alien way to think of being a step-parent. I guess it depends on if they still have the other parent involved? In my family there is a step-father who acts fully in the role of father for his step-son as his bio-dad isn't involved, he sees him as absolutely as much his responsibility as his bio son. My own upbringing was the same, there was no distinction really emotionally or responsibility-wise between my bio-mum or bio-grandmother and my step-father or step-grandfather.

All families work differently clearly.

I think you're right, it does make a huge difference whether both parents are still in the picture.

I am very fond of my SCs and we get on really well, but they are not looking for another mother and I am not looking to adopt them. Obviously I do bits and pieces for and with them, like making them lunch or playing games, giving them cuddles etc etc but fundamentally I do no more than an auntie/family friend would do.

It would cause big ructions if I started trying to treat them as my own. They have 2 parents already.

Glad things are looking up OP, good on you.

There's a lot of shock at your original terminology, but look at the situation in reverse. If a stepchild said the same thing about a stepparent, there would be much nodding of heads in agreement! I'm sure I've read stepdaughters writing about how their stepdads make their flesh crawl - it seems a pretty common occurrence.