I can't STAND my DSC.

[DappledApple]

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

I think most of the issues in SM threads come from SMs not realising or refusing to realise that these kids are family and insisting that they are some second class citizens they have zero responsibility for and if they are tolerated, that's enough really

I do not treat them like 2nd class citizens. I treat them like my partners children. That means he does the parenting. If I started trying to do anything parenty my partner would never hear the end of it from their mother. So it works both ways. If I'm not supposed to get too much in the parent role then that includes things like dropping them off to school, looking after them when sick so parents can work. If my DH gets it in the neck if I do anything remotely nice for them like buying clothes or treating them to a day out then I'm certainly not doing the shit bits.

@Teenyton

Hi woodmatsh, it clearly depends on what different people might consider supportive and what topic is being discussed. Sofa might be a supportive person in other threads, I haven't read all her posts. One also wonders whether any SMs any action should be supported just because? I'd hope you're not suggesting that. Irl one is human and can make mistakes whether they're an sm or not. This is a discussion forum where people ask for opinions.

In this particular thread's topic, she and perhaps others might consider it supportive to say distance yourself, I consider the opposite to be the case based on my own reality. Everyone can voice their opinion. When I mentioned I find that opinion unuseful, I didn't mention any singular poster. Yet sofa took it upon herself and here we are.

Sofa's posts to me feel like borderline bullying as she watched my posts on other threads, mentioning I am "at it", questioning whether I am a SM etc. Not having read all her posts, the limited interaction gave me the impression of being territorial and a tendency of engaging in aggressive behaviour. Happy to be proven wrong.

I agree with this, @aSofaNearYou is always a supportive presence here and always offers advice related to the dilemma at hand. She has first-hand experience of being a stepmum, which is really needed to understand any of the context, because you genuinely never come into contact with any of the same issues if you are not a step-parent.

Unfortunately when these threads reach the active page they are pounced on by lots of people who have zero experience of being in a stepfamily at all, and have no idea of the dynamics and common issues at all. I don't know why think it's helpful to spend time typing "Poor kid" or "I'm so glad my daughter doesn't have a stepmother" or "How would you feel if someone felt this way about your DD?" This does not help solve the issue at hand.

Obviously we do not always agree with everything a stepmum posts just by virtue of being a stepmum, but there is a way to offer suggestions and advice on how to change/improve things without just calling her a bad person or saying she should never have become a stepmum because she's not cut out for it.

The amount of attacks on most of these threads is astonishing tbh.

This is how my own dcs stepmum felt about them once she'd had her own child.

It was heartbreaking and didn't end happily.

I literally have no idea how a young child can make 'your skin crawl' It's actually quite disturbing to read.

Op, I've just seen your update.
Sounds positive and well done for recognising you need to talk to someone.

I hope things improve for you soon.

@Bibidy and as if by magic, your point is proved!

[quote harriethoyle]@Bibidy and as if by magic, your point is proved! [/quote]
LOL I know.

@brittleheadgirl I literally have no idea

^ if that's the case your comment wasnt helpful

[quote Woodmarsh]@brittleheadgirl I literally have no idea

^ if that's the case your comment wasnt helpful[/quote]
Really?

You can relate to someone thinking this about a child?

Everyday is a school day apparently!

@brittleheadgirl yes lots of us are able to empathise with this and suggest ways forward.

@brittleheadgirl yes I can. Even if I couldn't pointing that out and making an OP who is already struggling feel worse isn't very nice

Surely everyone has met a super annoying child?!!!

My DP doesn't like his 10yo niece because he finds her annoying and sulky - but it doesn't make a difference to his life because he doesn't have to live with her for any portion of time and he certainly doesn't have to look after her. If she was my daughter then he would struggle.

@Bibidy

Surely everyone has met a super annoying child?!!!

My DP doesn't like his 10yo niece because he finds her annoying and sulky - but it doesn't make a difference to his life because he doesn't have to live with her for any portion of time and he certainly doesn't have to look after her. If she was my daughter then he would struggle.

Absolutely! I think there are two main ways you could interpret a step mum saying her SC makes her skin crawl. One would be to assume the child is perfectly lovely and well behaved, and the step mum just hated the concept of them from the start and would always have felt that way around them. The other is that she went in well intentioned but THEN found that the child's nature and behaviour was such that she ended up feeling that way.

There are people on here who will always, without fail, assume it is the former, and seem totally unable to fathom the latter. Why is that? Have they genuinely never met a child who was anything other than a ray of light to be around?

@Bibidy

Surely everyone has met a super annoying child?!!!

My DP doesn't like his 10yo niece because he finds her annoying and sulky - but it doesn't make a difference to his life because he doesn't have to live with her for any portion of time and he certainly doesn't have to look after her. If she was my daughter then he would struggle.

Not liking a child is very very different to stating a child makes your skin crawl!

I pretty much never talk about being a stepmother on MN as people are often very unpleasant for the sake of it. I'm a full time step mum and have frequently talked about issues with my step kids referring to them as my own, and got very different advice to what would have been the case if I hadn't.

Right now, I'm feeling deeply, beyond irritated with my SS who is a teenager, has turned nocturnal, is keeping us awake at night and doing sod all round the house without being booted into action to feebly empty the dishwasher. His father is equally irritated with him. If I started a thread, as many do, to complain about the situation but started off with 'my SS is driving me mad', I'd get a fair share of people keen to know what role I played in the end of his parents' marriage rather than offering any support or advice.

We're resolving the situation by sending him off to his grandparents by the way.

There are people on here who will always, without fail, assume it is the former, and seem totally unable to fathom the latter. Why is that? Have they genuinely never met a child who was anything other than a ray of light to be around?

I just think that a lot of common logic goes out of the window when the word 'stepchild' is in the equation, even if people would accept things unquestioningly in other areas of life.

A lot of parents would say they love their own children unconditionally but can often take or leave others, and like or dislike them based on their own personalities and behaviour. Everyone with kids knows other children who are irritating or attention seeking or spiteful etc etc that they prefer not to spend time around or have their kids spend time with. It's just normal and unfortunately some step-parents feel that way about one or more of their SCs, but they don't have the option of just not spending time with them unless they want to end their marriages.

Not liking a child is very very different to stating a child makes your skin crawl!

brittleheadgirl It's just an expression though, that has been used casually on an internet forum. Given what OP has said in her follow-up posts, she just struggles with this child's behaviour and personality, and always has, but it's been magnified by the arrival of her own baby.

She just doesn't like him and finds him a difficult child to be around, but she is still making the effort to improve things.

@brittleheadgirl what is annoying with comments like the one you put is that you seem to ignore every other thing the OP has put and just latch on to a word or a phase and just keep repeating it like a echo chamber. This has happened on so many other posts but mainly it seems just on SP threads.

When people do this it just comes across want to shame another human being. I have said the wrong things on MN before and once someone kindly pointed out how it came across I apologised and didn't keep repeating the same thing over and over because that would be tone deaf also because I recognised just because I had opinion- doesn't mean I'm right.

Ignoring the face that the OP is clearly in a vulnerable position it's like kicking a injured animal esp when it comes to mental health.

Even if you weren't in the mood to give grace and say ok maybe she worded that wrong or a turn of phase or whatever , when more context is given it's really weird to just double down on the shaming, yelling louder.

Not all kids are delightful at all times. I haven't had always positive thoughts of my own DC, why on earth are SM not allowed that latitude is beyond me

Interesting comments. Firstly, whomever said i was digging at OP must have read someone else’s post, i congratulated OP for acknowledging her feelings and realising there is an issue. Think she has done the right thing trying to re-bond. Weird comment, but anyway.

Sofa. Just to be clear, your posts come across very aggressive. Some examples below, all to me:

….the most tone deaf comment ever. Do you have any experience of being an actual step parent?
….On what authority do you think you are qualified to say it is "not helpful"
…..I've no doubt you will never see that (sorry, you don’t know anything about me, don’t be so undoubtful), but I'm also confident that others do.
…this poster has been busy at another thread
…she is at it again

All these are starting to point towards bullying and personal attacks.

Many SMs here come because they are struggling with being an SM. That itself is a biased sample of people, so their opinions wont be representative of all SMs first of all. So the idea that only they speak the truth is a false premise. Many regulars complain that non-SMs are attacking them, assuming the worst etc. Yes many people do it seems. But equally many don’t though. And SMs who think the whole world is out to get them are also wrong, which is turning your threads into an unhelpful war zone – anyone who hasn’t pre-declared as being “one of the SMs here” and disagrees with smt they say must be an ex, and equally pounce on those as they complain of being pounced on.

Further, while some posters here accuse non-SMs of assuming the worst, they may assuming the opposite. Look at this from our Sofa:

“I think there are two main ways you could interpret a step mum saying her SC makes her skin crawl. One would be to assume the child is perfectly lovely and well behaved, and the step mum just hated the concept of them from the start and would always have felt that way around them. The other is that she went in well intentioned but THEN found that the child's nature and behaviour was such that she ended up feeling that way.”

She asks why non-SMs will always assume the former. I would like to ask whether she would assume the second? If the answer is yes there is a problem. There shouldn’t be any assumption in the first place.

The OP has said she did not used to feel this way to the SC. Then it changed once she had a DC. The truth is in the middle probably. Obviously kids can be annoying. She probably has lost her patience due to being overwhelmed, having PPD, or something else. It certainly is worrying to hear someone say a child is making their skin crawl. If i was in a safeguarding situation I would worry and not assume it is the child’s fault by default.

Hold up @Teenyton your making the assumption that Sofa is calling you out personally. She's called out many people including myself on one post and in fairness to her I hadn't worded something right. There isn't a witch hunt to get you, she just may simply disagree with the majority of what you say. It's the internet people aren't gonna agree, people are also going to see other posts you make and make a judgement call.

I find it ironic that instead of acknowledging that, your calling it bullying and personal attacks but some of your previous moments have been fairly contentious towards the OPs 🤯 (not just this one)

I have seen the same post word for word changing out DSC with DC and get a vastly different response. When I mean vastly different responses I mean none of the "oh I feel sorry for your children" on one thread and it multiple times on the other.

Thankyou @newomums. There is no campaign against you @Teenyton, I simply always disagree with what you say. I don't really mind if I come across as "aggressive" to the kind of people that leave unsupportive comments about how awful the SM OP must be, over perfectly normal feelings and experiences, on every thread they're on. I don't mince my words because it helps balance out the excessive harshness those comments often project.

That is what you consistently do on this forum, this particular post was not the worst example, but you chose to come at it saying the supportive comments made by step parents were "unhelpful". Given your general morals on this subject, that does seem pretty rich.

Teeny, on this very thread you have written:

"I think most of the issues in SM threads come from SMs not realising or refusing to realise that these kids are family and insisting that they are some second class citizens they have zero responsibility for and if they are tolerated, that's enough really."

And I was also on the other thread about the bedrooms where you said stepmums may as well put their SCs under the stairs like Harry Potter since they're not considered real people by us.

Obviously when you come onto a support forum for step-parents and say stuff like that people are going to take umbrage at your comments, as accusations like that are not kind or helpful and in fact are highly insulting to those of us who do our best despite difficult circumstances.

Well I do stand by those comments Biddy, some SMs in these threads do give this kind of impression. Hopefully you're not suggesting all SMs are angelic because that'd display your own bias (no one is) Hence if you're not one of those, then you don't need to take that directly on yourself, they're not personal attacks.

Also was wondering what you had thought about that example you gave Sofa.

“I think there are two main ways you could interpret a step mum saying her SC makes her skin crawl. One would be to assume the child is perfectly lovely and well behaved, and the step mum just hated the concept of them from the start and would always have felt that way around them. The other is that she went in well intentioned but THEN found that the child's nature and behaviour was such that she ended up feeling that way.”

You'd asked why non-SMs will always assume the former. Would you be assuming the latter here?

@Teenyton

Well I do stand by those comments Biddy, some SMs in these threads do give this kind of impression. Hopefully you're not suggesting all SMs are angelic because that'd display your own bias (no one is) Hence if you're not one of those, then you don't need to take that directly on yourself, they're not personal attacks.

We all know you stand by it, because you keep doing it. But if you genuinely believe that a SM talking about putting their SC in the box room, while her own children share, is treating them like a second class citizen because they aren't hers so she thinks that's fine, and she may as well not give them a room, then there is very little hope of you recognising how your criticisms of step parents go overboard.

None of this "you have nothing to worry about as long as you're not one of THOSE step parents". Your bar for what is acceptable or not is way too high and your comments, as a result, way too harsh.

@Teenyton you perpetrate a "evil step mum" stereotype and frankly assume the worst with all SM and you make wide sweeping judgements and shaming comments. If you can't see that on a thread where SPs are asking for support this is tone deaf then you really need to look at yourself.

This isn't about if your a good step mum you don't need to be offended. It's called your letting your own bias colour your view and taking it out on randoms on the internet then calling them biased 🤯 how ironic and are also unwilling to acknowledge your on bias.

I'm a mum, step mum and a daughter but I have never been a step dad (obviously) I have a very different of view of being a SP because I have a very lovely mum and DH who don't come from a place of all SM are evil.

I'm grateful I haven't encountered anyone like you in my SP journey