I can't STAND my DSC.

[DappledApple]

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

I think most of the issues in SM threads come from SMs not realising or refusing to realise that these kids are family and insisting that they are some second class citizens they have zero responsibility for and if they are tolerated, that's enough really

I think most issues for SMs come from the fact that it is not natural for people (adults OR children) to spend so much time living intensely with people to whom they are not related.

Most children go through challenging periods, plus it is intense to be in the company of kids all the time. I don't know many people who would willingly choose to live with someone else's child every other weekend or more...most people just would not want to do that because it's bloody hard work. This website exists because it's hard enough having your own kids!!

And then for the kids, they can rail against the SM or just not get along particularly well, which again is natural - not everybody gets along but when it's family you just accept people more easily. Lots of kids would obviously rather their dad was with their mum, and that impacts on their relationship with their SM.

Add to that a million other things like finances, trying to balance 2 sets of children with different rules and expectations, having 2 pretty distinct sides of the family because SP's family may not even know SCs due to distance, sometimes a difficult relationship between exes.........I could go on and on tbh!

The fundamental reason why SMs have a hard time is because it just is bloody hard. It doesn't mean they reject that the children are a part of their family though.

@Teenyton

Sweet Lord that has got to be the most tone deaf comment ever. Do you have any experience of being an actual step parent?

On what authority do you think you are qualified to say it is "not helpful" to advise having a bit of distance, but helpful to reinforce the message that you must not do this because they are "your family" and cannot be "ignored"? Do you have any actual experience of living with NR SC who, during the time they are even in your home, often benefit from one on one time with their parent, therefore making it pretty damn easy, as well as very helpful for step parents, to have space from them?

I'm looking at the thread realistically. OP has mentioned many times that this particular SC's behaviour has always been challenging, so it is pretty clear that she isn't only struggling with him due to PND. She finds him difficult to be around because he is difficult to be around. That presents unique challenges for step parents, compared to parents.

You can say that you think your advice is also helpful, but you are not qualified to say that everyone else's advice is unhelpful, especially if you are not yourself a step parent.

Imagine OP, you split up with your daughters father. He meets a new woman. They have a baby. Your 8 year daughter is now this woman's SD. She hates her, says she makes her skin crawl. How does that make you feel?

Thanks for sharing @sassbott. Not making sweeping statements, just observation that many SMs i've seen on these threads thinking this way. Maybe they are the ones raising their voices the most, who knows. I am not going to answer your question about my experience because i dont see that helping. If i say yes and give you my experience then the answer might be around the lines of but you have been lucky, your situation is different etc. If i say no, then my opinions might be automatically discounted. If I said I was an ex or have an SM which i dont get along with (neither is the case) then i would be accused of bias. So not going there really... Anyway, my messages are primarily to the OP.

@aSofaNearYou you keep asking whether i am a SP. Please see above. I dont find it helpful engaging with you as we have different opinions. You think my comments are unhelpful, i think yours are. Who are you to inquire what "qualification" I have or to determine what my "qualification" to participate in a discussion should be? Are you the head of some universal SM committee who knows the truth nothing but the truth and can speak for all?
This is not personal, just the way it is. Our views are coloured by our own experience base and individual reality. Obviously anyone on an internet forum with half a brain would know that. It is up to the OP to read and take what she would. So, wont really be replying to your messages, and feel free to ignore mine please.

[quote Teenyton]@aSofaNearYou you keep asking whether i am a SP. Please see above. I dont find it helpful engaging with you as we have different opinions. You think my comments are unhelpful, i think yours are. Who are you to inquire what "qualification" I have or to determine what my "qualification" to participate in a discussion should be? Are you the head of some universal SM committee who knows the truth nothing but the truth and can speak for all?
This is not personal, just the way it is. Our views are coloured by our own experience base and individual reality. Obviously anyone on an internet forum with half a brain would know that. It is up to the OP to read and take what she would. So, wont really be replying to your messages, and feel free to ignore mine please.[/quote]
The difference between me and you is I am not saying your comments are unhelpful. You took it upon yourself to say the experiences of step parents are not helpful to the OP. Of course you don't have to share whether you are step parent or not, but you will have to accept that thar statement seems pretty damn presumptuous coming from somebody that might not even have experienced this. I don't take umbrage with your opinion, I take umbrage with people saying the advice of actual step parents who can empathise is unhelpful.

@sassbott

@SandyY2K well you clearly don’t think very highly of your DH if that’s your view IMO.

I just couldn't be married to someone who says our child made his skin crawl. Him feeling that way, would change my feelings towards him and I wouldn't want to subject my child to someone who felt that way about them.

If you love someone and think (fundamentally) that they are a good, kind person. Why would you end a marriage over them being honest and saying something (that bluntly is very hard to own up to). Unless you are a total monster, no adult would take any pride in feeling this way.

The thing is honesty has consequences and can invoke a chain of events that are out of your control.

So while my spouse decides in his honesty to say they can't stand my child...they have to accept or realise that this may lead to my feelings of love towards them changing. That's my honesty.

I would honestly question a parent who didn't react negatively if their spouse says they couldn't stand their child. If I knew my child's stepmother couldn't stand them and had said dad as much to my Ex...Id be very disappointed that he was still exposing our child to be on the company of his wife/SM.

If your child had a teacher who couldn't stand them, what parent would really want the chiid to continue being taught by them? Or even for the teacher to have any contact with the child at all.

Some things you just don't need to say to the parent. It's much better to get some outside help to deal with it...like therapy.

I have a BIL who I really don't like...but I don't say this to DH..why would I.

I don't know many people who would willingly choose to live with someone else's child every other weekend or more.

Then I don't think they are suited to marrying or being with a partner who has children surely !?

Some stepkids live with their step-parent for the majority of the month and only see their bio parent every other weekend, if at all? People should really consider if they are willing to accept "non-related" children as part of their family (which they are...)

@LeonieSims

I don't know many people who would willingly choose to live with someone else's child every other weekend or more.

Then I don't think they are suited to marrying or being with a partner who has children surely !?

Some stepkids live with their step-parent for the majority of the month and only see their bio parent every other weekend, if at all? People should really consider if they are willing to accept "non-related" children as part of their family (which they are...)

I disagree. If everybody knew how they would find it before getting into a relationship, I'm sure there would be very few step-parents at all. I genuinely think that most people, even people posting the most judgemental comments here, would have their struggles in living with a child that wasn't their own, where they have very little say.

But I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is hard, it can be a struggle and it can drive everybody up the wall at times. But that doesn't mean it can't work or that anyone is considered 'not part of the family'.

It's a naturally difficult situation but it can be navigated with understanding on both sides.

decided to take SS out for a milkshake (there is a nice shop by us that he likes) after school yesterday. mentioned earlier in the thread trying to spend some time with him
That is so lovely to hear OP. So many times SM complain about their SCs but seem to only be interested in finding justification for their feelings and seeking others to change their ways.

You took it upon yourself to make an effort and do something that was probably really hard to do and it paid off. It's not going to sort out the issue, but it is giving you a bit of faith knowing that it is possible to spend time together and for it to be pleasant.

I really applaud you for taking that step. I think things will seem much less negative once you start getting better sleep again. Good luck.

"but you will have to accept that thar statement seems pretty damn presumptuous coming from somebody that might not even have experienced this. I don't take umbrage with your opinion, I take umbrage with people saying the advice of actual step parents who can empathise is unhelpful."

Oh but you don't know whether I am or not. That's the point. Maybe I am a very happy SM who has some different advice for the OP? Similarly, if I had no experience I could offer some unbiased opinion?
Your go to argument seems to be that you are an SM and you know it all and that's the basis of discrediting other people's opinions? Your SM thread activity levels and territorial behaviour makes me think there are some issues there... So, equally, one could suggest that your opinion is not as authoritative as you might think because you had a particularly negative SM-hood which biased you? sigh, i wasnt going to reply but you lured me....

@Teenyton I don’t see that from a lot of threads on here. What I see is people struggling to cope with various situations and trying to implement boundaries in what can be fraught situations.

The recent thread from the SM stating that she was taking her DC to Disneyland without the SC is a great example. She got piled on from a lot of people. My view? The mother had form for cancelling the child going on holiday at the 11th hour. Essentially punishing both the child and that OP’s DH. My view is they were well within their rights to ask for some financial security to ensure the mother doesn’t do this again. That way everyone’s expectations are clear and people cannot be left gutted at the last minute. Which for what is a once in a lifetime holiday is at both an emotional / financial level completely understandable.

However the OP got piled on. Was that fair? I don’t think so. Where is the true source of the issue? The mother to the SC. Yet somehow the OP should facilitate the poor behaviour of the mother and simply accept the impact of that on her wider family?

Why? I wouldn’t in her shoes. And it’s not because I don’t want the SC to be part of my family. It’s because the other parent who is a huge factor in all of it working, clearly refuses to.
When that is happening, at what point does a SP say ‘enough’ and refuse to allow someone else’s dysfunction to have such an impact on their home/ family/ children.

What you describe sounds like a terrible rock and hard situation @sassbott. I havent seen that thread. It is not related to the case here so dont want to hijack but yes the behaviour of the mum really has an impact on the SM and that is unfair. SM often find themselves in a situation they havent signed up for, as the behaviour of the ex only comes into light once SM becomes more involved and it becomes increasingly difficult to untangle one's feelings for the Ex from the SC...Noone is perfect right? In this example, it is so sad on the part of the SC. I can imagine a situation when the ex starts manipulative behaviour to the SC saying look they didnt take you with them they clearly dont love you as much as me or something similar....Not sure what I would do tbh except trying to talk to the SC to explain why this has happened, but very difficult without accusing the mum. What would you do in that situation, would you go to the trip and speak to the SC?

@Teenyton

"but you will have to accept that thar statement seems pretty damn presumptuous coming from somebody that might not even have experienced this. I don't take umbrage with your opinion, I take umbrage with people saying the advice of actual step parents who can empathise is unhelpful."

Oh but you don't know whether I am or not. That's the point. Maybe I am a very happy SM who has some different advice for the OP? Similarly, if I had no experience I could offer some unbiased opinion?
Your go to argument seems to be that you are an SM and you know it all and that's the basis of discrediting other people's opinions? Your SM thread activity levels and territorial behaviour makes me think there are some issues there... So, equally, one could suggest that your opinion is not as authoritative as you might think because you had a particularly negative SM-hood which biased you? sigh, i wasnt going to reply but you lured me....

No, I'm not discrediting your opinion, I'm saying it's a bit rich of YOU to discredit everyone else's opinion when you're not even willing to disclose if you are speaking from a place of experience. You're the one that said others were being unhelpful. Don't twist things.

I'm not territorial. Anyone is free to comment, obviously, but your comments on here are routinely dismissive and unempathetic towards step parents, so to then come along and say your advise alone is useful, seems in pretty poor taste.

@teenyton you're wrong, I'm sorry but you are @aSofaNearYou posts a lot of supportive posts in this area because it is supposed to be an area of help and support for step parents. Sadly as a lot of posts on this thread have shown it tends to be a place of judgement and bullying.

Hi woodmatsh, it clearly depends on what different people might consider supportive and what topic is being discussed. Sofa might be a supportive person in other threads, I haven't read all her posts. One also wonders whether any SMs any action should be supported just because? I'd hope you're not suggesting that. Irl one is human and can make mistakes whether they're an sm or not. This is a discussion forum where people ask for opinions.

In this particular thread's topic, she and perhaps others might consider it supportive to say distance yourself, I consider the opposite to be the case based on my own reality. Everyone can voice their opinion. When I mentioned I find that opinion unuseful, I didn't mention any singular poster. Yet sofa took it upon herself and here we are.

Sofa's posts to me feel like borderline bullying as she watched my posts on other threads, mentioning I am "at it", questioning whether I am a SM etc. Not having read all her posts, the limited interaction gave me the impression of being territorial and a tendency of engaging in aggressive behaviour. Happy to be proven wrong.

One also wonders whether any SMs any action should be supported just because?

No I don't think that but there are far too many on here that go in the opposite direction just because and that's not OK. Even when a step parent does make a mistake that doesn't take away from the fact that they were more than likely in a difficult situation and some compassion on how to change the circumstances is often what's needed rather than jumping on the OP

@Teenyton

Hi woodmatsh, it clearly depends on what different people might consider supportive and what topic is being discussed. Sofa might be a supportive person in other threads, I haven't read all her posts. One also wonders whether any SMs any action should be supported just because? I'd hope you're not suggesting that. Irl one is human and can make mistakes whether they're an sm or not. This is a discussion forum where people ask for opinions.

In this particular thread's topic, she and perhaps others might consider it supportive to say distance yourself, I consider the opposite to be the case based on my own reality. Everyone can voice their opinion. When I mentioned I find that opinion unuseful, I didn't mention any singular poster. Yet sofa took it upon herself and here we are.

Sofa's posts to me feel like borderline bullying as she watched my posts on other threads, mentioning I am "at it", questioning whether I am a SM etc. Not having read all her posts, the limited interaction gave me the impression of being territorial and a tendency of engaging in aggressive behaviour. Happy to be proven wrong.

I can see why you see it that way from your perspective. But from the other side of the fence, I always pick up on your posts because they are always particularly sensational and judgemental towards step parents. Not because I think they target me. No, step parents aren't always right, but you are the kind of poster who consistently does the opposite of supporting them when they deserve it. I've no doubt you will never see that, but I'm also confident that others do.

Sorry posted too soon. I've seen a lot of sofas posts and she is definitely not a bully. What she does do is call out nasty or unhelpful comments (in general not aimed at you) from posters who clearly can't empathise with an OP

@Teenyton your comments are bang out of order quite frankly out of touch. You speak like you have no idea about how to deal with mental health or be a sympathetic/empathetic.

What did you think that your shaming "help" or make yourself feel better ? It's abundantly clear it's the latter and that speaks volumes about your character .

Op posted a good update you thought ahh no she's not getting to much of a kicking.
Amazing how your digging at op but won't give any information about your position out of fearing being critiqued. Seems you can give but not receive

@Woodmarsh

Sorry posted too soon. I've seen a lot of sofas posts and she is definitely not a bully. What she does do is call out nasty or unhelpful comments (in general not aimed at you) from posters who clearly can't empathise with an OP

Absolutely agree. I for one am very grateful for @aSofaNearYou supportive comments on some of my previous threads.

Yes also strongly agree @aSofaNearYou always gives very balanced advice and it's absolutely wrong to say that she is indiscriminate in her support just because she or an OP is a SM. On the other hand @Teenyton your posts routinely come across as excessively and consistently critical, simply because someone is a SM asking for help. Whether or not that's your intention is another matter, but that's my perception as an outsider 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well this has taken a surprisingly uplifting turn! Lovely to hear from some others that have empathy for step parents @Woodmarsh @Soysol @harriethoyle

I feel like that really broke the cycle we were in so that's good. that's great OP. Sometimes it just needs something to press the reset button I think, quality time doing something fun sounds good.

@aSofaNearYou

If I had to pretend to my DP that his son wasn't really, really irritating most of the time I'd go insane. He knows he can be irritating.

I understand that the comment about being sad not to have a nuclear family isn't really something to keep pushing on your partner, though I'd say if these feelings are felt deeply the ONLY healthy thing is to air them, rather than bottle them up. But this is different from that. If a child is really poorly behaved, it really isn't on for the parent to bury their head in the sand and expect their partner to never mention it lest they hit the roof.

I talk about my partner's feelings regardless of whether I can do something about them. I expect the same in reverse, even if it is about his son. Talking about feelings IS doing something about them in a lot of cases.

I agree, there's no point trying to hide it from your partner, how will you work through it together if they don't know about it. I mean I'd not say they make my skin crawl, but you can most certainly say you're struggling and finding them irritating. A lot of people find their own kids irritating!