I can't STAND my DSC.

[DappledApple]

Since having my daughter.

I always struggled with this particular DSC even before as they are certainly the hardest of the three to deal with (and youngest SC - 8) but since having my baby 7 months ago I just can't stand him.

I had read up on postpartum aversions and had hoped it would just be a case of that, that went on its own but it doesn't seem to be stopping.

He makes my skin crawl being in the same room and I find his behaviour so incredibly annoying.

I am finding a lot more excuses to be out now to see friends / family on my own when they stay and I am trying so hard to be normal when we are together.

The thing is that I used to be quite involved in helping out, taking to school sometimes, helping looking after during the holidays ect. And now I just cannot bear to do any of it. I am constantly making excuses as to why I can't do X Y or Z and on the odd occasion I do end up having to do something like that I end up really annoyed about it (internally).

The summer holidays are coming up and I know I'm going to be asked a couple of times to help out and the thought just makes me cringe.

This isn't me. I am not like this. I don't know what to do. I don't feel to speak to my husband about it because who would ever want to know someone felt like this about their child? I don't even want to speak to anyone about it because it just makes me sound horrible and I am being horrible I just don't know why or how to stop.

Annoying yes. Of course.
Making your skin crawl, No.
OP recognises that herself which is why she has posted.

I can honestly think of a lot of different boys of that sort of age that could fit that description if I were spending a great deal of time with them. It depends on the way you interpret the feeling itself but to me, it sounds a lot like extreme irritation, the kind that triggers as soon as you see them.

I just feel like I just want to spend my energy and time on DD and no one else.

You need your DH to step up and look after his children or put other childcare in place when they are with you both.

Also seek help for your mental state as hatred is an extreme emotion.

You may still dislike him after all that as there are simply some people you dislike. Don't forget that kids are people, and some people just rub you up the wrong way and you rub them up the wrong way.

@zoemum2006 Some children are much easier to like and love than others.

Regardless of your relationship to them.

The OP pointed out she had no problem with her DH's other 2 children.

Making "your skin crawl" is a sign of something being off hormonally or with your mental health.

No, it's not normal but it's no one's fault. It happens and it usually goes away eventually.

You need support in the meantime but neither you nor your DSS are to blame here. Neither of you have done anything wrong but please do get as much help as possible.

I think it can be cumulative - a child lies, makes a mess they leave, speaks to you in a smug/ goady/ superior manner/ can be seen winding up siblings etc These might happen at various times and you ignore or put to one side. Then you have protective hormones raging after the birth of uuour baby . All that past history comes back and makes them seem horrible.
I had a family member like that, I pretended not to be aware - he is now a nice adult - though still a bit different. But I can understand your feelings. But you have to hide your feelings for the sake of the child and his DF.

I’m not sure I would talk to your DH about this as some people have suggested. I had a DP who didn’t like one of my children and communicated this to me in a very roundabout way, and it changed how I felt about him - because it affected his behaviour towards him, even though he thought it didn’t. I understand not liking kids - I’m not a fan myself, and my own drive me mental - but what is your DH meant to do with this information? It made me incredibly self conscious of my son’s behaviour and like we were walking on eggshells. This in turn affected my ability to deal with some of his behaviour issues. And it wasn’t because I was in denial / oblivious to some of my son’s irritating ways - but once it was out there, I couldn’t get past it.

@PumpkinKlNG

So glad my kids will never have a step mum, the thought of sending him to someone’s house that despised him so much that he “makes her skin crawl” would make me feel sick tbh. Poor kid.

Because of course all stepparents are the same. FFS.

Soysol

“PumpkinKlNG
So glad my kids will never have a step mum, the thought of sending him to someone’s house that despised him so much that he “makes her skin crawl” would make me feel sick tbh. Poor kid.”

Boring. How many threads have you put this exact post on? No one cares.

Actually, this comment made me think. And is a totally valid contribution.

Your post on the other hand is needlessly rude.

The tone of your OP makes it really clear that this is something new, unusual and disturbing for you. Personally, I would bypass the HV (mine were all at best useless) and get an urgent GP appointment. There is help for you, but you do have to ask for it, sometimes repeatedly.

Eight year old boys can be extremely irritating (I've had four and I love them beyond reason, but at 8, they were all annoying!), but it seems clear to me that this isn't anything the child does, but something that is causing an extreme and unusual reaction in you. That doesn't make you anything other than (potentially, I'm not a doctor) unwell and in need of support. I wouldn't tell your husband the exact details, but I would say that I was struggling and save the details for the GP.

I wish you well, OP. There is hope and this will not last forever, but you do need to seek help.

@Woodmarsh

Hmm remember a few weeks ago when there was a focus on making this area supportive and understanding of step parents and the difficulties they face? That didn't last long did it. I've reported a few posts on here hopefully MN will look at them

@aSofaNearYou etc al thank you as always for your posts

I wonder if it there is any way for Mumsnet HQ to stop threads posted in the step-parenting section from appearing in the active list?

I think the subject of step-parenting is very emotive for some people, and many who aren't in the situation struggle to empathise, and just end up piling on the OP rather than offering any advice.

If the threads were only visible within the step-parenting section then it would only be people who navigate there specifically who would see them - so I'm guessing mainly other step-parents or parents married/dating SPs. Hopefully this would lead to more constructive replies and advice?

@Biscoffbiscou

Soysol

“PumpkinKlNG
So glad my kids will never have a step mum, the thought of sending him to someone’s house that despised him so much that he “makes her skin crawl” would make me feel sick tbh. Poor kid.”

Boring. How many threads have you put this exact post on? No one cares.

Actually, this comment made me think. And is a totally valid contribution.

Your post on the other hand is needlessly rude.

Good for you. I disagree. How it it valid at all? How is it contributing anything to this thread other than to make the OP feel like shit for having feelings.

@bibidy good idea

@claralara42

It really doesn't mean that. It means you are married to a parent. That is all. Any additional help you give, is just that, help

That's what it means to some people. To others, with a better understanding and more compassion...it means a lot more.

Yeah, you don't have compassion or empathy though. Look at the sanctimonious way you've spoken to OP here.

It’s probably the lack of sleep. I had never even shouted at my first born and I had all the patience in the world. When the next one was born, poor dd got shouted quite often at and then I even smacked her once. The guilt was overwhelming.

This was my own child. I should imagine you’d have even less patience with a sc who has always been hard work. Get more sleep if you can and then fake it till you make it. Love bomb him a bit. Bless him, it’s not his fault.

Have a chat with your GP or HV, but well done for being so open about this. It's a hard thing to admit, but it sounds like a sign of something more.

Good luck OP

This will more than likely pass if you didn't feel this way before, speak to your GP and they can help you decide if you need anything extra to help.

I think your husband needs to know you are struggling, but I would avoid using the language you have on here. Many parents would not be understanding and see it as a dealbreaker, it might be anyway if your feelings don't change.

I'd definitely not be around him until untouched have had professional advice, adults often think that children don't pick up on these things. Children are generally pretty perceptive regarding how others feel about them.

You've acknowledged the problem, that's half the battle.

@Spanielsarepainless

My DSC are adults. I married their father when he was widowed. I never tried to mother them but to be a friend and aunt-by-marriage type relation, and I know if DH and I split up I would never see them again. I have not invested overmuch in the relationship and they definitely have never been my responsibility.

Jesus that's harsh.

Thanks so much I really appreciate all the replies I wasn't expecting so much support and understanding so that's really helped - thank you.

So glad my kids will never have a step mum, the thought of sending him to someone’s house that despised him so much that he “makes her skin crawl” would make me feel sick tbh. Poor kid

Genuinely I agree with you, if I knew someone felt like this about DD I'd be really upset. But these are my feelings, I don't want to have them but I do.

OP, I have a SD. She has her mum. I'm just a friendly person who lives in the house with her dad. He does all the organising, taking to activities and any disciplinary stuff. I see myself as someone who helps out and that's fine. It works for us.

There's a website called Steptalk.org which is specifically for step parents. You'll get much more constructive advice on there. On here you get some brilliant posters (there's been some on this thread), but then you get the ones who hate all step mums, for whatever reason and will try to kick you by accusing you of lack of empathy, compassion, etc.... These kinds of posters never offer any kind, thoughtful or practical advice. They just have a go.

I think there is an instinctual element to it as some PPs have mentioned.

I feel like doing anything for DSC, like taking to school or looking after during the hols for example is taking resources away from my baby (my time and energy) and I don't like that at all which makes me really reluctant to do it and really resentful when I do end up doing it. I know it's not entirely logical but that's how it feels to me. I don't want to think about someone else's children, I just want to give all of my time and energy to my own.

I think it's focused on SS because, being difficult anyway, he's the one out of the 3 that requires the most energy and time.

I think you'd need to be careful about raising this with DP. The protective parental instinct you're feeling will likely kick in for him too if you talk about his son in even a similar way you have here. You'll no doubt appreciate that it is very difficult not to feel enraged if someone speaks about your child in a derogative manner.

Sleep deprivation and that protectiveness you're feeling could be responsible. Sleep deprivation is so hard to deal with. When my DD was still only sleeping in 45 minute chunks at 5 months old, I used to wander around with tears in my eyes most of the time. I couldn't function normally and everything was much more dramatic than it would have seemed if I was actually managing to sleep.

It is good that you recognise the way you're feeling isn't "normal". He is a kid at the end of the day but yep, they can be incredibly annoying even if they are your own. I hope this passes quickly.

I think you'd need to be careful about raising this with DP. The protective parental instinct you're feeling will likely kick in for him too if you talk about his son in even a similar way you have here. You'll no doubt appreciate that it is very difficult not to feel enraged if someone speaks about your child in a derogative manner. Sleep deprivation and that protectiveness you're feeling could be responsible.

Well it would be unwise to use the phrase "makes my skin crawl", but she should certainly be able to say she's struggling to enjoy being around him without him getting defensive. As a parent of a child with challenging behaviour, he should be capable of hearing and digesting that.

@DappledApple well done for being open and emotionally aware. When I was really struggling with my DH's toxic ex and one of my Dsd, I had a few sessions of counselling. It was SUCH a relief to be able to talk through the things that were bothering me without judgment (unlike some of the boneheads on here 🙄) or fear of upset (couldn't confide in DH about DSD for obvious reasons). Might be worth you having a think about in case that could help. Best of luck

OP I understand totally, when I had our son almost 4 years ago, for the first year or so I found it hard to tolerate 3 other kids ( 13, 11 and 10) at the time, all the noise was too much, taking away dads time with our baby was too much, having to plan stuff for them the list goes on... I was fine doing this before though..

I think it's our hormones to be honest! And I'll admit something pretty awful. I actually lied to the kids one day and told them dad was in work one Monday (they had an inset day and asked me if they could spend it at ours if dad wasn't working the bank holiday) he wasn't and I said he was.... of course it came out eventually and only partner was really annoyed of course!

When contact was cancelled for whatever reason I was so happy but could never really pin point why... they were good kids!

As time went one it disappeared and I started to see it bond my son had and they grew up a bit and be blame more self sufficient and things got so much better so it will for you too I hope xx