Inviting SC to disneyworld - part 2.

[Ohanaa]

Update to my previous thread as I said I would update with the mothers reply.

Previous thread for anyone that’s missed it and reads this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4294452-To-not-invite-step-child-to-Disneyworld-next-year

We sent a message to dsc mum yesterday fully explaining the plan, rough dates and asking if DSC would like to come but we also explained that she would need to pay upfront and we would reimburse once we are there.

Her reply was...

I will not be giving you a fucking penny.

Another text was sent explaining she would
Be paid back in full but due to the past we won’t be paying the money upfront.

She replied with a simple ‘No’.

So SC won’t be coming and her mum can’t even talk about it like a grown up. It’s a shame even if I don’t think DSC would enjoy it that much.

I will get on with booking the holiday this week and she can enjoy her trip with her mum when she goes.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my previous thread.

But it is “pay it all now”
The fact that she will be reimbursed is irrelevant. Before the end of July the Mother was expected to find thousands of pounds.
The Father wasn’t contributing.

The Mother could be a master manipulator and some of her previous behaviour doesn’t paint her in glory but the OP knew fine will that the Mother would not have the funds and the SD couldn’t come. She set her up for failure.

If the OP and the child’s dad wanted the SD there they wouldn’t have set up a situation they knew fine well was going to result in a no. They can’t control how the Mother said it but they knew it was going to be a No. If they wanted the kid there they wouldn’t have set up a scenario where they know the Mother will say no. They would have created a scenario where the Mother couldn’t say no or actually asked the kid what she wanted.

I’m not a bitter second or first wife in this scenario but I am a stepchild who coincidentally was left out of every family holiday with my Dad and his wife and kids and one was Disney.

The Mother may not be coming across well but the OP clearly doesn’t want to take the her stepchild with them. The child is losing out because of both.

Can I ask how much it would be for your SC, so the upfront cost paid by mum then paid back by you guys?

But your text did day basically “pay this month or she can’t go” ? In which case my point stands still.

Two wrongs don’t make a right

Correction, I don’t think the Op said previously she knew fine will the mother wouldn’t have the funds, but she made it clear she would say no.

The OP has gotten the outcome she was hoping for, this holiday was never about making memories with her DSD, only her own DC.

Has OP ever said what her DH's feelings are on a trip of a lifetime with one of his DC missing?

What is DSD's thoughts on mussing out?

@Sirzy

But your text did day basically “pay this month or she can’t go” ? In which case my point stands still.

Two wrongs don’t make a right

Again think of the response.

Fuck off vs I don't have the money can we talk about it?

Actions have consequences. It’s her actions that warranted it.

So the mothers actions have consequences for her daughter? Nice.

From what has been said by the OP it was hardly a message inviting mature conversation

Like I said I’m not doubting there is major fault on mums side but I don’t think dads side have covered themselves in glory

For those suggesting that the DH should be paying half for his DD, instead of asking the DM for the whole lot as a deposit, the DH is not paying anything for any of his DC, as OP is paying for the whole holiday for everyone herself.

If the DH did pay half for his DD, she'd be getting a holiday paid for by her DF that the resident DC wouldn't, which wouldn't be fair on them.

@Bridezillamaybe

I really and truly sympathise op. I've a vaguely similar dilemma.

We always invite DSD on holiday. She always accepts but I've noticed acceptances seem to be of the 'unless I get a better offer' variety. That's offensive if it's a restaurant trip or other occasion but quite a big deal if a holiday.

Two years ago we booked a holiday to an expensive resort. We had gone there as a couple before during off-peak time. We booked it, invited DSD and began saving. The cost was no insignificant to us but we were really looking forward to it as DP had found a really good job after a year of rejections and I would be finishing gruelling cancer treatment.

DSDs mother had ok'd the dates and it was in the shared calendar. Her family are very wealthy. Closer to the date she simply arranged a very exciting holiday way out of our price range with the cousins etc and told DSD to choose. DSD very rudely told us we could either change the dates or to without her as she wasn't bothered about it anyway given it would be her fourth trip abroad that year.

Covid stopped us travelling and we got a voucher which for various reasons only partially covers the cost of a similar trip. I want to go off-peak (when DSD will be in school) and therefore have the entire trip covered. I can't figure out if this is petty or not.

I hope your cancer treatment went well firstly

I don’t think you’re being petty. She was outright rude and she said she wasn’t bothered. So rude and ungrateful.
It shouldn’t matter if it’s your first trip or tenth!

I’m probably not the best person to ask though apparently as I’m wicked and evil 😅

@Noterook

Actions have consequences. It’s her actions that warranted it.

So the mothers actions have consequences for her daughter? Nice.

Yes.

As a parent I always consider the impact of decisions I make on the children (step and bio).

From buying healthy food to eat, teaching good manners, encouraging a healthy lifestyle, focus on education, do I go back to work or put children in nursery etc etc.

Pretty much every decision is made having been weighted in what's in their best interests.

Sometimes they don't like those decisions.

Doesn't mean they are wrong.

And frankly setting an example that it's ok to put up with years of manipulative behaviour isn't good parenting.

What would I do here?

Not invite DSD but put the money I would have spent taking her in a savings account.

That way it's not wasted and she will know it was never about money but has the opportunity to use that how she sees fit when an adult.

@Bridezillamaybe do it. Book that holiday and don't give it a second thought.

Absolutely agree with @DeRigueurMortis and I actually wouldn't even discuss it.

Head off for a stress free oost cancer break, you bloody deserve it.

@Bridezillamaybe I think you absolutely should go into the trip. You asked her SD and she said no!

OP YANBU and those expecting b you to pay for the child when they might not go on the trip are being U

You are not the resin they are missing out. Their mother is

So the mothers actions have consequences for her daughter? Nice.

I'm coming back to this because it's such an unhinged response.

The proposal is that however badly one parent behaves it's up to the other to "cover" it.

Put a plaster on a gaping wound.

This is exactly why toxic relationships/families thrive.

Let's all look the other way.

Keep the peace.

Shell out the money to keep someone happy.

It's a very dangerous mindset.

It's against every safeguarding principle.

@RaspberryRoyale88

But it is “pay it all now” The fact that she will be reimbursed is irrelevant. Before the end of July the Mother was expected to find thousands of pounds. The Father wasn’t contributing.

The Mother could be a master manipulator and some of her previous behaviour doesn’t paint her in glory but the OP knew fine will that the Mother would not have the funds and the SD couldn’t come. She set her up for failure.

If the OP and the child’s dad wanted the SD there they wouldn’t have set up a situation they knew fine well was going to result in a no. They can’t control how the Mother said it but they knew it was going to be a No. If they wanted the kid there they wouldn’t have set up a scenario where they know the Mother will say no. They would have created a scenario where the Mother couldn’t say no or actually asked the kid what she wanted.

I’m not a bitter second or first wife in this scenario but I am a stepchild who coincidentally was left out of every family holiday with my Dad and his wife and kids and one was Disney.

The Mother may not be coming across well but the OP clearly doesn’t want to take the her stepchild with them. The child is losing out because of both.

I'm really sorry you had that experience

@RaspberryRoyale88

Correction, I don’t think the Op said previously she knew fine will the mother wouldn’t have the funds, but she made it clear she would say no.

We don’t know the mums full financial status. We are not buddies so not privy to that information.

She can afford Orlando so she’s not looking for pennies down the sofa is she.

She can afford Orlando so she’s not looking for pennies down the sofa is she.

Same must apply both ways surely then? You can afford it do hardly looking for pennies down the sofa

@Sirzy

She can afford Orlando so she’s not looking for pennies down the sofa is she.

Same must apply both ways surely then? You can afford it do hardly looking for pennies down the sofa

This makes 0 sense. I haven’t once said we are skint

I wouldn’t be spending my inheritance/gifted money on a holiday if we had debt.

If the OP and the child’s dad wanted the SD there they wouldn’t have set up a situation they knew fine well was going to result in a no. They can’t control how the Mother said it but they knew it was going to be a No. If they wanted the kid there they wouldn’t have set up a scenario where they know the Mother will say no. They would have created a scenario where the Mother couldn’t say no or actually asked the kid what she wanted.

I don't think it's really a matter of them not wanting her there, there was just no scenario in which they could safely say the money wouldn't be wasted, as the power was in mum's court and whatever she agreed on, she could go back on. The other factors such as DSD not getting much enjoyment out of the trip for a variety of reasons, just contributed to it not seeming worth the risk.

@Sirzy

She can afford Orlando so she’s not looking for pennies down the sofa is she.

Same must apply both ways surely then? You can afford it do hardly looking for pennies down the sofa

😂😂

No she's not.

Just like most people she's not inclined to throw thousands on a fire she didn't stoke.

But you don’t know how she is funding her trip. Your argument seems to be around paying for it, if you can afford to and still complain that makes it even worse!

Her holiday plans are irrelevant very few people can afford to pay 1000s unexpectedly in a matter of weeks

And the impression from the OP is that her side are doing plenty to stoke the fire even more!

And stuck in the middle is a teen who is being left behind

@Sirzy

But you don’t know how she is funding her trip. Your argument seems to be around paying for it, if you can afford to and still complain that makes it even worse!

Her holiday plans are irrelevant very few people can afford to pay 1000s unexpectedly in a matter of weeks

Again.

Her response is the issue.

Not I can't afford it but fuck off.

She can afford Orlando so she’s not looking for pennies down the sofa is she.

Maybe she got an unexpected windfall...