Inviting SC to disneyworld - part 2.

[Ohanaa]

Update to my previous thread as I said I would update with the mothers reply.

Previous thread for anyone that’s missed it and reads this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4294452-To-not-invite-step-child-to-Disneyworld-next-year

We sent a message to dsc mum yesterday fully explaining the plan, rough dates and asking if DSC would like to come but we also explained that she would need to pay upfront and we would reimburse once we are there.

Her reply was...

I will not be giving you a fucking penny.

Another text was sent explaining she would
Be paid back in full but due to the past we won’t be paying the money upfront.

She replied with a simple ‘No’.

So SC won’t be coming and her mum can’t even talk about it like a grown up. It’s a shame even if I don’t think DSC would enjoy it that much.

I will get on with booking the holiday this week and she can enjoy her trip with her mum when she goes.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my previous thread.

Why on earth hasn't the OP picked up the phone to find out?

Well A) because you wouldn't expect that kind of compromise from a major company if you hadn't been before and B) shouldn't it be her dad automatically making that level of effort?

@beastlyslumber

Would you pay thousands of pounds for your step children to go to Disney for 3 weeks, knowing full well that their mum is going to pull them out days before you’re meant to go?

I think it's wrong not to. Better to postpone the trip for a couple of years so the SC can have more say in whether she wants to come and her mum will feel more comfortable with her being away. It will be awful for her to miss out because of OP's selfishness. It isn't fair to take problems with exes/money out on children.

Postpone for a couple of years???

So it's ok for the OP's DC to have to wait a couple of years, but not for the DSC to miss out because her actual mother is an arse.

The mind boggles on the logic used by people on this step parenting board sometimes.

It's pretty clear why you've gone down this route OP, you go and enjoy Disney with your DC!

I don’t understand why you were expecting her to pay it all upfront . Who has thousands of pounds lying around to pay for a holiday they didn’t know about or save up for. I also dont understand why you were asking her to pay all of your step daughters upfront. Your OH should have put up half too. After all they both made her . If she didn’t go then her mum and her dad should be splitting the cost not just her Mum. But you got your way your scared the mother off and now you can play happy families just the four of you.

@FightingtheFoo I had no idea Disney could be so accommodating!

Maybe @Ohanaa you could try follow that advice and just book the plane ticket as a compromise then utilise the awesome sounding Disney customer service to get her park tickets and accommodation closer to the time?

Although saying that I think you did the right thing.

@FootballisgoingtoRome

I don’t understand why you were expecting her to pay it all upfront . Who has thousands of pounds lying around to pay for a holiday they didn’t know about or save up for. I also dont understand why you were asking her to pay all of your step daughters upfront. Your OH should have put up half too. After all they both made her . If she didn’t go then her mum and her dad should be splitting the cost not just her Mum. But you got your way your scared the mother off and now you can play happy families just the four of you.

You've hit the crux of the matter here, where the hell is her DF in all this and why doesn't he want to pay to make memories with his DD?

@Ohanaa

Oh for the love of god, they’re here again. The DNRTFT but all Step mums are evil brigade.

Does it actually matter that dsd hates roller coaster? That she won’t spend 3 weeks away from her mother? BEFORE we get to the fact the DM doesn’t want her dd to go with them, but would say yes if it gave her an opportunity to fuck you right over?

@Ohanaa do us a favour when dsd is over again next, could dh ask her explicitly whether this is a holiday she would want to go on?

Why should her mum pay the full whack? Your DH should be contributing for ALL his children.

Money was gifted to OP. SHE wanted to arrange holiday and pay for it, but was worried that - given the fact her dsd doesn’t like rollercoasters, would never want to go on a 3 week holiday away from mum for any reason AND the fact that the dm scuppered the last holiday- she was asking if it was wise to invite her only to have the same thing happen and a waste of a LOT of money.

@Ginger1982

Why should her mum pay the full whack? Your DH should be contributing for ALL his children.

Sounds like someone that has read literally none of the context. If you had, you'd know the reasons, even if you disagreed.

I think you've done the right thing. Just went back and read your thread, your solution was perfect and it's mums fault she can't come. She couldn't even engage with you to say I can't afford that or anything, just no.

[quote MzHz]**@Ohanaa

Oh for the love of god, they’re here again. The DNRTFT but all Step mums are evil brigade.

Does it actually matter that dsd hates roller coaster? That she won’t spend 3 weeks away from her mother? BEFORE we get to the fact the DM doesn’t want her dd to go with them, but would say yes if it gave her an opportunity to fuck you right over?

@Ohanaa do us a favour when dsd is over again next, could dh ask her explicitly whether this is a holiday she would want to go on?[/quote]
I admire your patience.

Yours and the poor OP 's😂

@Ginger1982

Why should her mum pay the full whack? Your DH should be contributing for ALL his children.

She wasn't being asked to pay.

She was being asked to provide a fully refundable deposit.

This was as insurance against a background of and years of manipulative behaviour and wasting the OP's and her DH's money.

Without that background this request would have been unnecessary.

Rather than rail against the OP perhaps consider who is the root cause of this dilemma?

It's not the OP's responsibility (or her husband's) to keep subsidising the mothers bad behaviour to the tune of thousands of pounds - especially when this money was a bequest.

The OP's SC will still be visiting Florida with her mother (and unlike the OP's children has done so previously).

Is the situation ideal - of course not.

Do I feel sorry for her DSD? Yes of course I do.

But I'm absolutely not of the mindset that the OP is at fault.

She suggested a compromise.

It was (rudely) rejected outright without discussion.

No intention at all to collaborate and find an outcome that might work for all parties - especially her child.

My guess is that if she'd shown even iota of willingness and understanding (such as "I can't afford the full amount but I can offer £250 as a deposit" for example) then the situation would be different. Perhaps @Ohanaa can confirm?

Do people really except someone to have £1000s available within a month with no prior notice? If so I want to live in your world

I really and truly sympathise op. I've a vaguely similar dilemma.

We always invite DSD on holiday. She always accepts but I've noticed acceptances seem to be of the 'unless I get a better offer' variety. That's offensive if it's a restaurant trip or other occasion but quite a big deal if a holiday.

Two years ago we booked a holiday to an expensive resort. We had gone there as a couple before during off-peak time. We booked it, invited DSD and began saving. The cost was no insignificant to us but we were really looking forward to it as DP had found a really good job after a year of rejections and I would be finishing gruelling cancer treatment.

DSDs mother had ok'd the dates and it was in the shared calendar. Her family are very wealthy. Closer to the date she simply arranged a very exciting holiday way out of our price range with the cousins etc and told DSD to choose. DSD very rudely told us we could either change the dates or to without her as she wasn't bothered about it anyway given it would be her fourth trip abroad that year.

Covid stopped us travelling and we got a voucher which for various reasons only partially covers the cost of a similar trip. I want to go off-peak (when DSD will be in school) and therefore have the entire trip covered. I can't figure out if this is petty or not.

Covid stopped us travelling and we got a voucher which for various reasons only partially covers the cost of a similar trip. I want to go off-peak (when DSD will be in school) and therefore have the entire trip covered. I can't figure out if this is petty or not.

I would say it would be the most appropriate way to respond to her words about the holiday.

@Sirzy

Do people really except someone to have £1000s available within a month with no prior notice? If so I want to live in your world

No actually I don't.

But don't you think it's telling that is not what the mum said?

She could have come back with an adult response and an attempt to find a solution.

A smaller deposit perhaps? Saying she'd ask her DD if she even wanted to go? Asking for more details about the holiday?

Anything really - but responding in a way to engage and facilitate the best outcome.

Instead she just said fuck you.....

@Bridezillamaybe

I really and truly sympathise op. I've a vaguely similar dilemma.

We always invite DSD on holiday. She always accepts but I've noticed acceptances seem to be of the 'unless I get a better offer' variety. That's offensive if it's a restaurant trip or other occasion but quite a big deal if a holiday.

Two years ago we booked a holiday to an expensive resort. We had gone there as a couple before during off-peak time. We booked it, invited DSD and began saving. The cost was no insignificant to us but we were really looking forward to it as DP had found a really good job after a year of rejections and I would be finishing gruelling cancer treatment.

DSDs mother had ok'd the dates and it was in the shared calendar. Her family are very wealthy. Closer to the date she simply arranged a very exciting holiday way out of our price range with the cousins etc and told DSD to choose. DSD very rudely told us we could either change the dates or to without her as she wasn't bothered about it anyway given it would be her fourth trip abroad that year.

Covid stopped us travelling and we got a voucher which for various reasons only partially covers the cost of a similar trip. I want to go off-peak (when DSD will be in school) and therefore have the entire trip covered. I can't figure out if this is petty or not.

Given the response to the last holiday - yes.

Actions have consequences.

If you want to fritter other people's money don't continue to expect them to keep pony up just in case you don't get a better offer.

Doing otherwise is actually poor parenting imho.

Kids need to understand behavioural consequences.

Or the OP and her husband could have put forward a sensible option rather than a text sAying “if she wants to go find the money now or she isn’t”

The tone of the text sent hardly opens up the road to sensible discussion does it!

@Sirzy

Or the OP and her husband could have put forward a sensible option rather than a text sAying “if she wants to go find the money now or she isn’t”

The tone of the text sent hardly opens up the road to sensible discussion does it!

Again you ignore the person whose actions have necessitated this approach.

Appeasement/kindness never works with people who enjoy fucking you over.

But the child hasn’t done anything and she is the one who is the victim of pettiness on both sides.

@Sirzy

But the child hasn’t done anything and she is the one who is the victim of pettiness on both sides.

Refusing to risk thousands of pounds isn't petty.

Sending a fuck off text is.

Park tickets, which are the most expensive bit, you don't even need to book until you're there - sure, OP can buy them for the rest of the family and then save the link and on the day SD turns up at the airport just go online and book one more ticket on your phone. If she doesn't turn up you haven't lost anything*

This year we had to buy the ticket then prebook the park. Plenty were sold out the day we could go, may still be like this next year, who knows?

Saying “pay it all or she isn’t going” is petty. There are so many more adult ways it could have been approached.

@Sirzy

Saying “pay it all or she isn’t going” is petty. There are so many more adult ways it could have been approached.

Again it wasn't "pay it".

It was a refundable deposit.

It's funny that despite years of manipulative behaviour the onus is always on the SM to play nice.

To "fix" the problem created by by the mother.

There's this thing called personal responsibly and mothers who behave badly wrt to access arrangements are not immune to it.

Again go back to the root cause of this problem.

@Sirzy

Or the OP and her husband could have put forward a sensible option rather than a text sAying “if she wants to go find the money now or she isn’t”

The tone of the text sent hardly opens up the road to sensible discussion does it!

You don’t know the tone of the text. I never posted the full text word for word so how do you know how it sounded

I summarised what it essentially said.