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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and his ex

193 replies

Raysofsun · 06/07/2021 21:53

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Raysofsun · 08/07/2021 20:01

(I should have added that on one of the days next week DP is supposed to be coming to an appointment with me but now isn't due to him agreeing).

OP posts:
MeridianB · 08/07/2021 20:03

So he shut the conversation down?

Sorry OP. I think you deserve more respect. I’d be tempted to suggest he just moves back in with them. 😟

DuchessDarty · 08/07/2021 20:06

I think he should have said no to having his DS the day he was supposed to come to the appt with you. Unless him having DS was absolutely necessary and unavoidable.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 08/07/2021 20:07

@DuchessDarty Dentist check up that she had booked for DSS.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 08/07/2021 20:13

Hmm.

MeridianB · 08/07/2021 20:14

So your DP can move the appt, take his son another day and keep his commitment to you. I’d ask him to do this. It’s a completely reasonable request and if he can’t be bothered then it will tell you a great deal.

anunexaminedlife · 08/07/2021 20:16

Ugh my ex was like this with his DC. And actually it wasn't always 'doing it for the DC', it was stuff the DC's mum could and should have done herself but couldn't be arsed to and knew she could get the DC's dad to jump to it. But I'm sure she would have got whatever task she delegated out to him done herself if she needed to. It wasn't her fault it impacted upon my life, she was working within the parameters of the boundaries that he had allowed.

Unfortunately it didn't make his DC grow into teenagers who saw him as 'a great, committed dad'. They grew into adolescents who saw him in the same way as their mum saw him. Someone who they could make blunt demands of whenever they wished and someone who they did not respect. It was an odd dynamic. They'd be on a day out with their mum, we would be in the middle of something, and he would get a text from one of the pre-teen DC 'transfer money to my account for a drink'. Everything would immediately stop until this request was completed.

StarryNight468 · 08/07/2021 20:22

OP please start packing his bags and tell him to go back to her. Make this the hill to die upon or it will never get better.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 08/07/2021 20:22

@anunexaminedlife I understand the everything stopping until the request is completed thing. During my birthday dinner at a lovely restaurant recently DP kept replying to his ex as apparently 'it's rude to make people wait'. It was about buying DSS some football boots.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raysofsun · 08/07/2021 20:23

And the weirdest thing is that he doesn't seem to particularly like her! It's such a strange dynamic.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 08/07/2021 20:26

[quote Raysofsun]@anunexaminedlife I understand the everything stopping until the request is completed thing. During my birthday dinner at a lovely restaurant recently DP kept replying to his ex as apparently 'it's rude to make people wait'. It was about buying DSS some football boots. [/quote]
This would have been the final straw for me, OP. The more you share, the more it sounds like he is making you an intruder in their family. That’s not right.

MeridianB · 08/07/2021 20:29

How ironic that he thinks he’s tops when it comes to manners. 🙄

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 20:55

[quote Raysofsun]@anunexaminedlife I understand the everything stopping until the request is completed thing. During my birthday dinner at a lovely restaurant recently DP kept replying to his ex as apparently 'it's rude to make people wait'. It was about buying DSS some football boots. [/quote]

Then why are you still with him if all of this bothers you so much?

There are plenty of childfree men out there.

Starseeking · 08/07/2021 20:56

He's taken it that I have a problem with him seeing DSS, which I don't have AT ALL.

I knew this would be his reaction. I could tell from all the things he is doing that instead of reflecting on his behaviour, he'd become defensive and turn it round on you. My EXDP used to do exactly the same thing, and it really doesn't get any better.

I see from your most recent posts that he's now ditched plans to support you at your appointment to fulfil requests of his EXDW. I'd question whether this man evens likes you, if he cannot honour commitments made to you. You deserve better than this OP, your self-esteem should be telling you that he is not treating you well by behaving as if you don't matter.

Starseeking · 08/07/2021 20:59

@MeridianB

So your DP can move the appt, take his son another day and keep his commitment to you. I’d ask him to do this. It’s a completely reasonable request and if he can’t be bothered then it will tell you a great deal.

I'd agree with this. Why should you have to move your pre-arranged appointment for something someone who doesn't even live with you has arranged Confused. Unless your DSS needs an urgent root canal, I'd ask your DP about moving the dentist, particularly if it's a routine check-up.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 21:03

@Magda72

But WHY should op not be free to question (not interfere) in a dynamic that suits dp, kids and ex but does not fully suit her??? She's her dp's CHOSEN partner & as such she has every right to question things that she feels are causing her grief in her relationship. She's not just some appendage to his previous relationship Angry. By your logic the ex & dc should always supersede the new partner & that's exactly the type of tired old "first family will always be the only true family" narrative that when held on to is precisely what makes blending impossible & makes stepparents lives so miserable. It IS possible to prioritise your dc & your partner equally but this sort of jaded, archaic rhetoric is what people who just don't want to let go of their exes thrive on & it ruins relationships & weaponises the dc.
Regardless of what anyone here thinks, the boyfriend doesn't see a problem.

Does OP want to browbeat him into prioritizing her? That's attractive.

Personally I'd leave and find someone more into me rather than demand that three other people with close ties change their ways to suit my agenda.

StarryNight468 · 08/07/2021 21:05

He's an absolute joke. I can't believe he did that on your birthday. I really hope that you stick up for yourself and he sees the light, or you follow through with packing his bags and find someone who loves, cherishes you and supports you. There are good men out there (even nrp men) who wouldn't make you feel second best and under valued.

This man isn't any good for you.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 08/07/2021 21:17

@PerveenMistry I'm not sure me expecting DP to come to a pre arranged appointment with me is having an agenda Confused

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 21:32

[quote Raysofsun]@PerveenMistry I'm not sure me expecting DP to come to a pre arranged appointment with me is having an agenda Confused[/quote]

Well, he's showing you who he is and what his priorities are.

lilmishap · 08/07/2021 21:41

You focused on completely the wrong part of that sentence.

Personally I'd leave and find someone more into me rather than demand that three other people with close ties change their ways

If he's not willing to do this then this is what he's not willing to do.

I honestly think it's kinda attractive that he's reliable. You just need to get over the 'doing it for his ex' part. He has kids, you shouldn't come first.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 08/07/2021 21:47

@lilmishap I never expected to come first. He doesn't come before my kids, but I also manage to balance having a relationship as well. Which he doesn't seem to be able to do.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/07/2021 22:01

Every time you post it gets worse. I honestly think you need to leave him. Imagine the future if you marry this guy or have a baby - is he going to run out of the delivery room because her hair appointment has over run?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/07/2021 22:04

While there's room for some flexibility between parents, he had no business agreeing to his ex wife's request when he had already agreed to go to an appointment with you. I mean, he is literally telling you that your stuff doesn't matter at all.

RandomMess · 08/07/2021 22:59

I agree the more you post the more you reveal that he is desperate to do what ever Ex asks to fulfil a need in him.

He is blind to how unhealthy the situation is with his ex. It's like they are still the primary relationship but it's dressed up as him being an amazing Dad by doing anything and everything for his son.

He can do his share by taking him to appointments sure but certainly a dental one could be made by him to suit his commitments. His ex is keeping herself in control of his life and he refuses to see it. Why is that?

Is he a doormat, does he need to be the knight in shining armour to his ex and son??

Regardless it's clear that you will always come second to doing what his ex wants. Their son is her tool to achieve power in their relationship.

Tiredoftattler · 08/07/2021 23:03

OP, if you prearranged appointment is an appointment that an adult could and often do handle on their own,it could make sense that he stepped out in favor of a dental appointment that s child could not handle on their own.

Medical and dental appointments are usually scheduled well in advance of the actual visit and not always easy to change particularly if the parent was trying to do this ahead of the opening of school.

More telling is the fact that you seem to have an ever increasing catalog of what you think of as marginalizing behavior , and yet you do not mention even one thing that this man does in your life that you view as loving or positive.

The question becomes what other than complaints are you getting out of this relationship?

I think when you do not put as much effort into looking at the positive as you do mentally recording the negatives then that may be an indicator that this is probably not the relationship for you.

Neither of you should have to twist yourself into a pretzel to be the person that the other one wants What is the point of criticizing the other for not being what you want or possessing behaviours and characteristics that you deem acceptable? The reasonable solution is to part amicably from this person and to find that partner to whom you are better suited.

You cannot change him or his situation, but you can remove yourself from a situation that is not providing you with what you want and or expect. He is not failing you. You are failing to act in your own best interest.

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