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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP and his ex

193 replies

Raysofsun · 06/07/2021 21:53

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Magda72 · 07/07/2021 09:06

@Raysofsun you really do have my sympathy - again, I have been there with that exact phone behaviour!
I think @StarryNight468's advice is very good & do take a look at the thread she mentions - it's full of detailed stories of dads who just cannot get to grips with the boundaries needed around exes & dc.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 09:10

It's as if she wants some of the benefits of being married to him without being married to him.

Magda72 · 07/07/2021 09:16

@MouldyPotato that's exactly what I used to say to exdp. His ex behaved as if divorce meant nothing other than her not having to share a bed with him! In ever other respect she insisted on trying to treat him as her husband, & them & the dc as an intact family!

Original poster

Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 09:21

@MouldyPotato That's very much what it feels like! Me and DP were eating dinner last night and he has a missed call from her. He rings her back pretty much immediately and all she said was that someone had just been rude to their DS online (Fortnite). DP told her to turn it off then. I was sat there thinking wtf? I would never ring my ex if that had happened to our DC!

OP posts:

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 09:31

@Raysofsun they might as well just move back in with each other. I'd be telling DH to firm up his boundaries or I'm out if there.

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2021 09:31

Ugh, I felt sorry for him until you said he gets "extremely defensive" - HUGE red flag.

I'm assuming you live with him? I would be telling him that he clearly doesn't have room for a relationship in his life if he thinks it's ok to repeatedly cancel plans with you last minute for trivial non emergencies, and he needs to think about whether the relationship is important enough to him to show you some respect. At the bare minimum, that should involve showing remorse, rather than being defensive. Ask him why he thinks you should put up with being repeatedly ditched and then being shouted at over it.

Original poster

Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 09:39

He received a message from her a few weeks back saying 'which 3 weeks out of the 6 in the summer holidays are you having DS?'. He did actually respond and say of course I'll have DSS for some of it, but I work full time with a limited amount of annual leave for the whole year and you don't work', which did not go down well AT ALL. He's having DSS for 2 of the 6 weeks (plus all the usual contact). I guess I just find it difficult because I wouldn't act the same way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 09:41

But yes I agree with you all that its the way that DP responds to his ex that is the actual problem.

OP posts:

Menora · 07/07/2021 12:16

My DP is exactly like this and because it’s for the kids he will never say no!
I have to learn how to just accept it! He’s a good dad and there really isn’t much you can do to stop this happening unless he puts in boundaries, but he will see it as extra DC time and not pleasing his ex

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 12:42

@Raysofsun

It's pretty normal for school holidays to be 50/50 tbh. Why shouldn't they be?

I'd actually say she's being pretty fair and flexible by giving him the choice of which weeks suit him best.

Unless she doesn't have a job and no other childcare issues to consider.

Original poster

Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 12:51

@parkerpop She doesn't have a job or any other childcare issues.

OP posts:

SpongebobNoPants · 07/07/2021 12:54

It’s pretty normal for school holidays to be 50/50 tbh. Why shouldn't they be?
Because she doesn’t work??? It’s a completely different situation if they both worked full time but why should one parent pay for childcare / kids clubs in the school holidays when the child’s other parent is literally sat at home doing nothing.
That’s ridiculous.

Mamamamasaurus · 07/07/2021 12:59

I haven't RTFT

Yes it's annoying but HE is allowing this to continue. She's simply taking a mile. I bet it would soon stop if he started saying "no"

RedMarauder · 07/07/2021 13:17

It’s pretty normal for school holidays to be 50/50 tbh. Why shouldn't they be?

It's also pretty normal for them not to be.

Each couple decides between them what they want.

TwinsAndTrifle · 07/07/2021 13:26

@TwinsAndTrifle No she doesn't have a partner!

It's like I'm psychic....

It's as if she wants some of the benefits of being married to him without being married to him.

that's exactly what I used to say to exdp. His ex behaved as if divorce meant nothing other than her not having to share a bed with him! In ever other respect she insisted on trying to treat him as her husband, & them & the dc as an intact family!

Yep. You've got one of those women. She doesn't have anyone else so she decides she's the woman in his life because it's the only man she can attach herself to, and that's through a child. She views herself that has to be answered to immediately and placated. She's the child's mother. Nothing more to DP than that. My ex is nothing but my child's father. We get on fine. Because I'm not ringing him for any excuse under the guise of "I'm just being a good mother, calling about your child, (who you saw yesterday, will again tomorrow, and this is a complete non event that I'm contacting you about)"

You're of no consequence, just some woman who lives with the man in her life, and the more disruptive she can be (he allows her to be) the quicker you're out of there and she's got full control again. She knows exactly what she's doing.

Get him to fix this immediately and if she rants, he turns his phone off. If he won't, you can't continue like this, because it will ruin your life.

How long have you been together, and how long before that did they split?

DuchessDarty · 07/07/2021 13:50

I think his message to her was rude. He could have put it in a less dismissive way. As they share contact approx 40:60 it’s not unreasonable for her to ask. Ok the 3 weeks was naive/trying it on perhaps. But if 40:60 is how they’ve decided to divide things, it doesn’t matter what she does with that time, he signed up to that or has allowed it to happen.

And OP you can judge her as much as you like, but just because you wouldn’t call up your Ex about a Fortnite row, doesn’t mean it’s terrible that she has. Maybe she’s struggling and needs some reassurance. If your DP doesn’t like it then he can bluntly tell her that - as he had no problem doing about the summer holidays.

Original poster

Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 13:57

@TwinsAndTrifle Yes everything you've said there is pretty much what it feels like.

They'd been together just a few months when she fell pregnant, then they split after finding out. Got back together when DSS was 18 months, for approx 2 years. There was then 2 years until he met me, and we've been together 4 years.

OP posts:

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 07/07/2021 14:13

I feel for you as that’s one of the frustrations I have; DSD is lovely but I resent how her mums plans and decisions impact on our lives so much.

Youseethethingis · 07/07/2021 14:57

He wants to carry on like a single man, free to put the whims and fancies of his ex ahead of anyone else.
He doesn't want to consider anyone else, he's not going to be respectful of your relationship so what is the point?
My DH never ever treated me this way and if he had he would have been just a footnote - some guy I went out with a few times years ago but can't even remember his surname now.

sunlight81 · 07/07/2021 15:04

It's the Mumsnet golden favourite ... you don't have an Ex issue, u have a DP issue!

He should stop pandering to the requests and eventually they will stop.

TwinsAndTrifle · 07/07/2021 15:47

@Raysofsun again, like I'm psychic

These women are hideous. The audacity that they've been left, so they carry on as if they haven't. Leave me, will you?? Oh no you won't. And they think no one can see past their "get out of jail card".... "I'm in contact because we have a child". Obviously anyone who thinks I shouldn't have my ex dancing round like a chump, must have a problem children.

She's done it so long now, it's learned behaviour on both sides that it's acceptable. Just to be very clear, it's not. It's just going to be a hell of a lot harder to break this 4 year cycle of her deliberate actions, and his jumping to attention.

Let him know, very clearly, that if he intends to rush around with no notice at her instruction, because she deliberately makes beauty appointments outside of both school time and the 40% of time SDC is with you already, that you aren't going to stick around for it. I know it's hard, but the resentment will eat you up.

Force his hand to deal with it. That's the only thing that's going to stop her ruining the rest of your relationship anyway. You've got nothing to lose, because this won't last another year.

TwinsAndTrifle · 07/07/2021 15:48

*problem with children.

Starseeking · 07/07/2021 16:10

On her part it sounds like a control issue, on his party it sounds like he enjoys being "needed". It's an established dynamic which will be very very difficult to break, particularly as all the immediate participants (DP's Ex, DP and DSS) are fine with the arrangements. The interloper is the only disgruntled person. I've been where you are, and it's not fun.

The type of NRP who behaves like this isn't in a place where he can commit himself* fully to a romantic relationship, because all the whims of their EX (disguised as being the needs of the child), will always come first.

*This type of NRP is always a man.

DuchessDarty · 07/07/2021 16:12

These women are hideous. The audacity that they've been left, so they carry on as if they haven't.

Jesus fucking Christ, the misogyny. The bile. Could they perhaps be unreasonable without being hideous? And FYI, the OP doesn’t say actually her DP’s ex “was left”.

The (only?) common denominator “these women” have is an ex who has managed to get himself into a situation where he has a new partner trotting out the narrative that his ex is a vile, abusive, entitled, lazy woman and he is the poor put-upon man so scared of her power he has to do what she wants.

Original poster

Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 16:17

@DuchessDarty Yes DP's ex is lazy but I've never once said she is vile, abusive or entitled?!

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