DP and his ex

[Raysofsun]

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

Once in a blue moon, it's as you describe. Most of these situations are exactly because that's how the woman scorned behaves.

And no, I quote clearly didn't exonerate him. It's behaviour on both parts that has been enabled for so long that it's become the norm. She's only the arse he's letting her be.

And by “managed to get himself into a situation” I mean well done him, but for getting Woman 2 to direct most of her hate and judgement towards Woman 1. Suits him that, doesn’t it? Until Woman 2 realises that, funny thing!, the real problem is HIM and her relationship to him is the one she can actually change.

@Starseeking I agree, unfortunately. I 100% do not object to coming after DSS in my DP's eyes. I do, however, object to also coming after his ex's beauty/car/hair appointments!

And yes, slightly getting over excited with the "vile abusive.... etc"

She's a manipulator. And knows exactly what she's doing. Make no mistake there though.

@DuchessDarty in fairness to op she never said any of that AND she acknowledges that the issue is with her dp's reactions. Most sms on here do get that their partners are at fault as much as their exes.

And again, she's only the arse he enables her to be.

[quote Raysofsun]@DuchessDarty Yes DP's ex is lazy but I've never once said she is vile, abusive or entitled?! [/quote]
No, you didn’t OP.

But TwinsAndTrifle more or less did; that’s who my post was directed to, which H’s why I quoted her. But these are all Ex wife bingo words used on here.

I say this as a stepmum, not an ex wife btw.

And I didn't say that either.

But there you go.

I said “more or less” @TwinsAndTrifle

You described “these women” as hideous. “Vile” is a synonym for that. You described entitlement, without using that word.

@RedMarauder wrote that the OP’s DP and ex were like so many other similar ex couples and that:

“ He will only put in boundaries if his child shows he's unhappy, and even then because his ex is abusive it will be a fight that could turn nasty before it may get better. (This exact part I'm speaking from bitter experience.)”

So that’s where the abusive comes from. You didn’t correct that @Raysofsun but I appreciate you may not have registered or particularly.

Oh yeah and from your first post @Raysofsun:

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

So you did say she was abusive, as that is what giving a barrage of abuse means.

I'm lost at what you're demonstrating here?

Quoting OP, and then your own summation that this is abusive behaviour by the ex.

But getting cross at OP for calling her abusive, when she didn't, but your summation does.

The OP said she gave her DH verbal abuse. Another poster summed it up as the ex “being abusive”. The OP didn’t correct that, but then got all wide-eyed innocent in horror when I said that there’s a trope on these boards of classifying a certain type of ex and describing them in terms of stock traits.

It’s your comments I have the issue with. I think it’s a bit shitty to be so ready to dismiss a group of women as “hideous”. Save that level of judgmental anger for the men.

By “she” in my first line I mean the ex, not the OP!

I'm very lost.

She's being deliberately manipulative to try and maintain a position she can't accept has been filled by OP. She's using the fact that she can use "you need to be there for your child, unless....you're a bad father" as the facade.

I call that kind of manipulation of a parent (and those close to them) through their own child, hideous.

If DH told her where to go, however, it wouldn't affect OP. He is allowing it.

But it doesn't change her. She just goes from a hideous woman who is currently enabled to affect another family, to a hideous woman who is now prevented from achieving her goal.

I think we're not understanding each other somewhere here.

@DuchessDarty You're taking 'a barrage of abuse' a bit too literally. I didn't mean she is 'abusive', I meant she will give him a bit of a mouthful!

Yeah, I feel that too.

There's a lot of "well, that's what you meant, this is a synonym, you've described xyz without using the actual word"

I think actually, that's just the way you have interpreted things, then told us that's definitely what we meant!

It was RedMarauder who called her abusive, OP. I knew I’d seen that word about her on this thread. And I looked back at your earlier posts to see where RedMarauder got that from. You didn’t correct her or say she took it too literally, so I assumed you agreed with it.

But yes I get what you meant. And no you didn’t call her entitled either. Again, that was someone else on the thread. I do get a bit at the same strong, pejorative words coming up on these boards to describe certain ex wives when the male partners at the heart of it don’t get the same level of pejorative name-calling. But that doesn’t apply to you and I’m sorry I gave the impression I thought you did.

@TwinsAndTrifle

Yeah, I feel that too.

There's a lot of "well, that's what you meant, this is a synonym, you've described xyz without using the actual word"

I think actually, that's just the way you have interpreted things, then told us that's definitely what we meant!

Nah.

What I did was put terms used by several posters on thus thread together in a neat little package.

Abusive and entitled were both words used by other posters on here to describe the ex.

I’m so sorry I used vile though, should have stuck with hideous. 🙄

Because, she is... manipulative, deliberate, using her child...etc

He's not. He's allowing her.

I mean, if he needs a word too... Weak?

It's like someone bullying someone, and getting the hump because the bully is labelled a bully. That's what they are. In this scenario, DH is allowing himself to be "bullied." I know that's off key, but the only half arsed example I can think of as I'm cooking tea

DP, good god I could have written your post.
No YANBU to feel this way. As I can imagine that if he were to do the same and ask to change his day etc there would be WW3.
However, your DP sounds like he doesn’t want DC to miss out on anything or be left waiting etc. In the event he says no, what happens for example if she says she can’t collect DC? Does she have her moan and then collect anyway? I think it’s very likely to be a control issue, especially if it’s a new thing that didn’t happen when they were together.

Think of the long game with this one. In the future when DC is older, which parent is he going to feel is reliable?

We don’t know for a fact that your diagnosis of her deliberately controlling and manipulating him “as she’s a woman scorned” is correct. You’ve decided you know her type and what’s she like and that she’s hideous. I don’t know enough about her or the situation to say.

The DP mat not feel or think he’s being manipulated at all. He may think it’s not crossing a boundary to call him on a NC day to bring something round that his son forgot. Or to collect him. It’s for the DP to make and enforce his own boundaries. And to ensure that his actions don’t cross the OP’s boundaries.

I don’t see it as a problem that he collects the son from school when the ex has a beauty appt, except when it stops him from doing his plans with the OP. If it didn’t affect anyone else though, then it’s up to him whether he does it.

You’ve decided you know her type and what’s she like and that she’s hideous. I don’t know enough about her or the situation to say.

I saw what I thought it pretty obviously looked like. So did a few other PP.

OP, who obviously knows how the situation is on a daily basis confirmed this.

Her DC is not in the house every weekday (approx) 9am to 3pm. Outside of that significant time each day, he is at OPs house 40% of the time.

Yet she books her beauty appointments etc outside of this time and then calls her ex to say he needs to collect him/have him until she's done. If he doesn't, he gets a barrage of "well you're a bad dad."

She knows exactly what she's doing, and that she can make him by pushing the "bad daddy" button every time he doesn't do as she says.

He's let her do this for 4 years. Because he damn well not a "bad daddy". She's played a right corker here. She's a CF. She knows it. And she's doing it because she can.

DH needs to wise up to the fact that he's far from a bad dad, this woman needs to have her cheeky fuckery ended, by him, as of today, or he's going to lose OP.

Now you’re just being silly @RedMarauder
Possibly because I showed you regarding calling the ex abusive…

If you look back you’ll see I was the first poster to respond on this thread, and I agreed with the OP that she wasn’t BU to find it infuriating.

I just don’t agree with some of the things that have been said since.

Sorry if I missed it but how old is DSS? I’d be working out how many more years of this nonsense I was facing.

I agree that many NRPs would be happy to change plans if they could see their child but your DH is turning this into a lifestyle choice and I can see how it looks/feels from your perspective.

It doesn’t sound likely that he will change the way he responds to his ex. She doesn’t sound likely to stop her controlling behaviour any time soon.

The only thing I don’t agree with is school hols. Yes, it is annoying that she doesn’t work but if she doesn’t want to compromise then your DH will need to find a club for him for a week.

Advise your DH not to even mention clubs or booked holidays to his ex, as she sounds likely to find a way to pull her son out and leave DH with the bill. He can just agree the weeks he is covering and look forward to some peace from her.