DP and his ex

[Raysofsun]

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

DSS had left something at ours the other night which could have stayed until the next time he was over. DP's ex rang and said that DSS wanted it so could DP bring it over. If that had been me with my DC I've had just waited as it was only 2 days until the next visit. I'd just served up dinner and DP ate his in 3 seconds and was out the door leaving me sat at the table before I'd even started mine!

Wrong on so many levels. She should have told him, this non urgent thing would be in his hands in 48 hours and to try and remember better next time. That's a good life lesson.

She taught him, you want it, you got it, daddy does whatever we say. We chant out bad daddy when he doesn't. So she called DH. Who also does not instill this life lesson. But chokes down his food that OP has just prepared and leaves her to eat alone so he could go running for triviality.

There is further manipulation by the fact she makes demands, and has got DSS a phone, so if her demands are declined, the child is then told to text his father "I want to see you". This is hideous.

No he doesn't, not right there and then, or he'd have text completely independently. Before the mother started her demands. The mother is telling him, there's no other way the child would know to time it like that. This boy is being used horribly.

And then she can play the "even my darling boy had to text him".

OP, your DC are watching this. Do you want them to think this is what you should accept. Do you want them to think this is how a man should behave. Do you want them to think that this is what they think a good parent does, should they ever be in a co-parenting situation.

I want to give you a hug

I agree it is good life lessons to learn for them to have to wait for stuff.

Hugs, I feel for you as have been there, and had to say something and DP agree to put a stop to it otherwise I would have walked 100%.

It still crops up occasionally but I’ll say something now and he usually realises pretty quickly.

We have 4 DC between us, it is not a sustainable dynamic for us all to go running every time an ex demands it, so we have to set boundaries with all of them. Occasionally they slip, on all sides, but then we talk it out and pull it back together. Good for the kids too as they know where they stand.

Both my DPs exes have a habit of getting him to phone parent his kids to tell them off when they have done wrong. I don’t like that and have advised he stop it mainly due to the fact that it does no one any favours, they need to be able to parent the kids too, they will be bigger and stronger than them at some point and if they don’t sort boundaries now, god help them when they are teens. But also because it interrupts our child free time way too often and realistically as said above it does no favours. Unless it’s something really drastic it can be discussed in a text message or at handover etc. We are talking ‘refusing to go to bed’ etc here. I just wouldn’t dream of calling my ex and effectively saying, I can’t handle our kids, can you do it? I’d be mortally embarrassed and more so I wouldn’t put my kids in a position of thinking only their dad can discipline them so they can walk all over me!

and more so I wouldn’t put my kids in a position of thinking only their dad can discipline them so they can walk all over me!
This x 100!
I wouldn't even do that if I was with the father of my dc. It's atrocious parenting imo. It displays weakness to the dc & sets one parent up as weak & the other as strong.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@TwinsAndTrifle
This seems to be what these people do separated or not. This is the reality of the situation in which the OP chooses to remain.

The ex is managing her life as she deems best for her and her son. The OP's partner is conducting his life as he deems best. The only person not choosing to conduct their life as they deem best is the OP.
She is choosing to live her life blaming her partner and his ex for not acting in a way that would make her happy. Why should her happiness matter to them more than or even as much as it matters to her? The OP has not taken one decisive step to ensure her own happiness but she is annoyed that others are choosing their self interest as their primary concern.

At what point does she simply acknowledge that this particular relationship with this particular man is not leading to her happiness? The purpose of dating and living together is to make these
discoveries. The discovery has been made and now the OP cannot or will not accept that which she had discovered. She wants to blame the others for being the people that they are rather than acknowledge her unwillingness to accept the situation for what it have proven to be.[/quote]

The vast majority of women who have a partner who is also an NRP would have similar expectations to the OP. It's not unreasonable to expect your DP not to be running around acquiescing to every demand the RP makes on any given day.

The DSS mum doesn't work, yet she has booked appointments 3 days in a row for the NRP who works full-time to take the DSS various places. Either she is genuinely clueless about how this would impact somebody in a relationship, or she is trying to make her existence keenly felt.

Either way, she couldn't get away with all of this if the NRP wasn't enabling her. It's all on him to set and manage boundaries with his ex, and he doesn't appear willing or able to at present.

@Magda72

and more so I wouldn’t put my kids in a position of thinking only their dad can discipline them so they can walk all over me! This x 100! I wouldn't even do that if I was with the father of my dc. It's atrocious parenting imo. It displays weakness to the dc & sets one parent up as weak & the other as strong.

Honestly drives me bonkers when they call for that.

I message my ExH about the kids behaviour, but I address it and if he also wants to speak to them fine. But DPs exes literally call so he can discipline the kids over the phone. He then gives ultimatums such as ‘if you don’t go to bed, you won’t get this when I next see you’ eye roll

I 100% don’t agree with it and also don’t want it setting up so that when they are teens he is running all over to discipline them if they are out of control.

I am all for them talking about it, but passing it onto him to do, because the kids won’t listen just defeats the point IMO. They won’t listen, because you aren’t disciplining and to solve that problem you… don’t discipline and instead ask dad. Where is the logic!

OP i think bring it up again. Make it clear it’s not about him seeing his DC, but that his contact is actually quite a lot already and you feel additional should be emergencies or exceptional circumstances not as and when whenever. The same as you afford him with your own kids.

But I think you have to be prepared to say, if it can’t change, this relationship isn’t for you. Then he has a choice to make, he either lays down some boundaries with the ex and deals with the backlash which there will be as he has been doing it so long.

Or he lets you walk and continues pandering to his exes every wish. And good luck to him finding a partner who puts up with that.

There is a distinct difference in him doing stuff for the child, and helping out, such as maybe dropping to a birthday party that mum can’t get to, or accompanying a hobby they enjoy together.

Then there is doing things for the ex, such as covering her appts (and we aren’t talking gp appts here, beauty appts) and running DC round because it seems she can’t be bothered or doesn’t want to. When at school she has 5 days a week to book her appts in, if she can’t be organised to do that, then she doesn’t go, or arranges her own childcare for it.

There has to be some boundaries here. Otherwise where does it end?

I message my ExH about the kids behaviour, but I address it and if he also wants to speak to them fine. But DPs exes literally call so he can discipline the kids over the phone. He then gives ultimatums such as ‘if you don’t go to bed, you won’t get this when I next see you’ eye roll

I 100% don’t agree with it and also don’t want it setting up so that when they are teens he is running all over to discipline them if they are out of control.

I am all for them talking about it, but passing it onto him to do, because the kids won’t listen just defeats the point IMO. They won’t listen, because you aren’t disciplining and to solve that problem you… don’t discipline and instead ask dad. Where is the logic!

The logic is, if they trot out the tripe "ohhhh they only listen to daddy" then it gives the excuse to call, make their presence felt, disrupt, over anything, because "daddy is so needed ".

Daddy isn't needed. "Mummy" can't leave daddy alone.

You absolutely need to try and get him to understand how much this (toxic, power-play) dynamic is undermining his time on non contact days & your relationship. Agree that DSS is important and should take precedence for most things but you need to also be able to make plans and not have them be messed up on a whim by his ex.

Maybe suggest he take charge of making future dentist appts?

Suggest he ask her to make sure all of her beautification or other appts are made for the days you already have DSS?

Maybe suggest he grow a pair? (Sorry, I know that's not really helpful)

Hope your appt goes ok, there aren't many things I'd want DP to join me on as appts go so I imagine it's something that is important to you

Finally, this will not be forever as DSS will soon be old enough to not need the hand hold all of the time & ex won't get away with changing plans last minute in a way that will impact you as DSS will have his own plans. So if things don't change it's up to you to decide if you can stick it out knowing that this may be how things continue to be, or if it's something you can't live with... good luck!

Finally, this will not be forever as DSS will soon be old enough to not need the hand hold all of the time & ex won't get away with changing plans last minute in a way that will impact you as DSS will have his own plans.
@HappyGoLuckyLuLu I have to say in my case this was absolutely not the case. My exdp's 3 dss only learned from & copied their dms behaviours. One of the main reasons we split is that at the ages of 19, 16 & 12 they all still expected exdp to drop everything to suit them & their dm point blank would refuse to bring them to activities etc. precisely so exdp would feel compelled to do so. This was always on her time. She would deliberately not even attend a parents evening if she knew exdp was working the far side of the county & so he'd be forced to drive up to 4 hours to do something that was literally 10 minutes from her house.
She also did not work and the last time I spoke to exdp (we're still friendly) she was still not working (even though dc now 21, 18 & 15) & exdp had just bought the eldest a car (said dc has quite literally never worked one hour of a job, ever & is one of the laziest people I have ever come across).
You couldn't write it.
In my honest opinion this won't change as the dss gets older unless the dss has a lot of self awareness & questions his dm's behaviour. However, I would say this is highly unlikely as he will never see his dad challenge this behaviour & his dad will continue to enable his ex & ds asking for what they want when they want it & ds will expect everyone in his life to operate around his wants.

@Magda72

Finally, this will not be forever as DSS will soon be old enough to not need the hand hold all of the time & ex won't get away with changing plans last minute in a way that will impact you as DSS will have his own plans. *@HappyGoLuckyLuLu* I have to say in my case this was absolutely not the case. My exdp's 3 dss only learned from & copied their dms behaviours. One of the main reasons we split is that at the ages of 19, 16 & 12 they all still expected exdp to drop everything to suit them & their dm point blank would refuse to bring them to activities etc. precisely so exdp would feel compelled to do so. This was always on her time. She would deliberately not even attend a parents evening if she knew exdp was working the far side of the county & so he'd be forced to drive up to 4 hours to do something that was literally 10 minutes from her house. She also did not work and the last time I spoke to exdp (we're still friendly) she was still not working (even though dc now 21, 18 & 15) & exdp had just bought the eldest a car (said dc has quite literally never worked one hour of a job, ever & is one of the laziest people I have ever come across). You couldn't write it. In my honest opinion this won't change as the dss gets older unless the dss has a lot of self awareness & questions his dm's behaviour. However, I would say this is highly unlikely as he will never see his dad challenge this behaviour & his dad will continue to enable his ex & ds asking for what they want when they want it & ds will expect everyone in his life to operate around his wants.

Sorry to hear that! It may not always be the case but I don't really speak from experience (other than once being a DSD), could go either way....

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu Unfortunately DSS has already learnt the same behaviour so will expect DP to drop whatever he is doing and pick him up, or face time him, or play a bit of computer online with him.

Oh I'm sorry. Then I guess DP needs to fix this (if he wants to and understands why it is important to fix) or if he doesn't and won't then it's probably decision time for you. My own DF never put me or my siblings first so I'm not even familiar with the other side of this
Hope you are able to get to a place where you're happy regardless of what that might entail...
and as it's Friday, is ittime?? You deserve one - of beverage of choice ...

Tbh I wouldn't be happy with someone who can't stand up for themselves, at least occasionally. This isn't about accepting the step kids come first, or facilitating a positive coparenting relationship, this is about the ex pushing all the boundaries and your DP letting her, at the expense of being able to spend undivided quality time with you.
I'd want to either see DP growing a backbone and explaining that she needs to discuss appointments further in advance, and explaining to DSS too that there will be times he'll have to say no (if he's got prebooked events or work), or tbh I'd be looking to leave.

This reminds me of the early cohabiting days with my DP. I optimistically hoped things could be cordial with his ex and did my best to be friendly while respecting her boundaries.

I thought he was being unreasonable when he asked me to not share anything with her or even the kids about our childfree time, what was the harm in telling her we were away for a weekend, or going for dinner or to a workshop? Without fail everything would be interrupted at the crucial time, a non-emergency that he better dance to the tune of or else the courts would be hearing about it. I would also get really bizarre friendly messages lamenting what 'we' (she and I) had gotten ourselves into, very conspiratorial.

There are too many examples and it's not my thread but I know what you are talking about here OP. Also, the steps followed suit in their attitude towards him.

I know what @tiredoftattler is saying and she makes a valid point; accept that things are like this and decide if you want to stay or not. I think it's a good attitude to take with relationships and life in general actually.

But maybe first give it one last shot. Myself and DP went to see an excellent therapist. She listened to the whole dynamic, scribbled down everyone's names then gave him a very stern talking to. She 'ringfenced' (circled with a red pen) on the page us as a couple then the children separately and drew arrows from him to the children and ex wife to the children. She did a big X on the arrow from ex to me. It sounds so obvious but she explained to my DP that his attitude of trying to 'keep everyone happy' was fundamentally wrong, that as a couple we needed to ring fence our relationship and what works within it with the children as a 50% presence and that needed to be the basis for decision making, not interferences from outside forces. She was to be kept out basically except for child arrangements.

If he is dismissing your complaints I don't think there is much you can do. You're not a side player in their movie.

But that's exactly what OP has become, Bridezilla! You've put your finger on it.

Her DP, his ex and his DS are the main players with ex as the lead and OP has a bit part, with her outings and plans continually cancelled without notice. OP is pushed to the sidelines and living on leftover scraps of her DP's time. She says she doesn't mind coming second to her DSS, but this isn't coming second, is it? It's coming fourth and last.

I'd be inclined to get some couples counselling to sort this before it gets even worse and ends the relationship. Failing that, laying down a challenge that asks DP whether he is actually free to be in a relationship at all given what he is facilitating could be the wake-up call he needs.

You don't drop everything to play computer games with a child who is currently under your roof, do you, so why do it for one who is actually meant to be having quality time with the other DP?!

The OP 's partner has made a decision. It hardly matters if everyone on the site disagrees with his decision. As an adult, he has the right to make his own decision- right or wrong. He gets to decide what is the right decision for him and his situation.

The OP too gets to decide what is the right decision in her situation. What neither of them get to do is decide or dictate what the other should do. Adults have partners/significant others they do not have guardians or keepers who get to dictate what or how the partner can or cannot do.

When do mutually acceptable decision can be reached, mature adults recognize that they are not compatible.

It seems that the partner has decided how he wants to conduct his life and relationships. The OP on the other hand rather than accepting the reality that is constantly being reinforced is instead insisting that he has no right to do that which he has chosen to do and is doing.

The OP has get to indicate why she is choosing to remain in a situation that is clearly not working for her. Why should her opinion matter more than his opinion?

It seems that she has decided that she will remain in the relationship no matter what , and her partner has decided that he will remain in the relationship but conduct his life in the manner that is consistent with his values and beliefs.

A view of their future suggests him growing increasingly indifferent to OP's often repeated complaints and OP complaining about her situation to people who will politely listen and wonder why if the situation is so intolerable does she stay involved?

It does not seem that this is an arrangement that will bring any real happiness to either party.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously
My ex wouldn’t even make a pre-plan for when I went in to labour because that would mean explaining to his children they may not see him for a couple of days and he didn’t want to upset his exw or put her out. The day after our son arrived, I called him and he was having dinner and watching a movie at his exw house ‘for the kids’. He didn’t even visit the hospital when our baby was taken in an emergency because he had his children and wouldn’t prioritise ours over theirs.

OP- Leave- it’ll break you down to nothing eventually.

YANBU. DH’s ex does this and we live 100 miles away. The other day, she text to ask if DH could babysit for a couple of hours so she could go to the cinema 😂 DH text back to ask if the message was meant for him as her two sisters, parents and numerous cousins all live within two miles. Yes, the message was for him. He said no. Anyway, she’s done things like book DSS birthday party on DH’s weekend even though we’ve planned things. Demanded that she has Christmas at her house even though it’s not her year. She’s announced with 24 hours notice that it’s a school play/parents evening etc. So bloody annoying.