DP and his ex

[Raysofsun]

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

@MeridianB My DSS is 8.

You're right though - it doesn't look like either DP or his ex are going to change their behaviour

Have you spoken to him yet OP?

@StarryNight468 Not last night, he was at the pub watching the football! I will tonight though.

I have these same problems sometimes. Though I have brought it up with DP cause it drives me crazy. I also know it the table was turned and this was me and my exDP he would say something immediately.

I think DPs ex is the same that falls into that camp of wanting to have the benefit of a husband without having him as a husband, so will ask him to do many things. Which I think at times he has done as he feels guilty she doesn’t have a new partner and he left her, so she doesn’t manage well on her own. I have tried to explain he’s doing no favours doing stuff for her as she has to learn to do things alone, and also as soon as she does meet someone else, she suddenly won’t need him anymore and his current is relationship with me will be plenty damaged by this she says jump you say how high? By then!!

I feel the same as you OP in that I wouldn’t dream of doing the same so I just can’t get it. She regularly calls DP when DSS is playing up, even facetimes to show him, so we are having a nice peaceful evening (maybe our one a week child free) and in comes the call and then that’s it, whole evening spent messaging, calling, for what? Nothing! As DP can’t do anything on the end of a phone line and we are certainly not getting into the situation of him going round to deal with behaviour.

I don’t get it cause I personally would find that embarrassing to call my ex and basically say, our DC is playing up and I can’t deal with it on my own/at all, you need to do it.

I have spoke up and he has changed things a bit. We’ve had the calling for stuff to be dropped off that can wait etc too.

Most of this has stopped now, so you do need to say something. There has to be some boundaries and it’s good for kids to learn this too as well as exes.

I actually can’t see the issue with this. It’s his child too, they are just being parents and sharing the responsibility. It would be an issue if he said no, sorry I’m busy doing such and such and then ex wife kicked off, but absolutely NO harm in asking because as I said it is their child! Always, not just in contact time

My god that would drive me insane. Is she not capable of hearing "yes, it would appear he is playing up, so my advice, to you as his mother is to parent your child, as I do when he is with me"

She can't possibly do that. That would mean not calling "the man in her life" and making her presence felt.

It's not your fault she doesn't have a partner and can't leave yours alone. And this charade that it's "just about the children" is insulting.

And again. She wouldn't be able to do it if she wasn't sodding allowed by DH.

@TwinsAndTrifle
Would you say that if she then killed herself as she couldn’t cope? She had reached out but was told to sod off by the new wife? I think people need to be very careful how they judge situations. If you share a child, you’re both responsible for that child, always

Yes. That's what I said

And not the case for 99.99999% of the ExW's who do this for no other reason than deliberate interference and manipulation.

"Reaching out". This would not be what is being described.

@Hppymum123 I do see what you're saying but that's not the case for my DP's ex. She can cope, she just chooses to behave this way (and my DP allows it!).

If my dss dm mental health was that bad then dss would be living with us. If she was unable to cope then ds would stay with us until she got professional support, dh is not her support worker.

@StarryNight468

Like it’s that simple.. I’ve never suffered with mental health but I know people that do, it’s often masked so not sure you would know. All I’m saying is, asking your child’s other parent, to help parent, isn’t always malicious, I’d say it very rarely is!
I’ve also seen how the narrative from exes plays out, many men do paint their exes in a scornful light, the new partner believes it and it’s not always true.

Op if it’s actually causing issues in your life, causing you to change/cancel your plans, constant arguments between your Dp and his ex, I would try to co parent civilly and work together

Sorry I mean unless it is…

@Tiredoftattler

Is it not possible for some fathers that the boundary or parameter is that they want to spend as much time as possible with their children?They may not care as much about Court Ordered contact time as actual time spent in the presence of their children.

It may not bother them that the availability comes becomes of laziness or lack of consideration on the part of the ex. To them the reason matters far less than the opportunity to spend time with their child.

It is not that they lack boundaries so much as they prioritize time spent with their kids over non-productive arguments with the ex.

They do not view it as being controlled by the ex but rather as having an outcome that they find desirable.

Many of us would put up with significant inconvenience to obtain something that we viewed as valuable and meaningful and not many people would question that logic.

Spot on We miss our kids. Any chance to get a bit of time with them, even if mundane stuff like school runs or swimming lessons, it’s great and we take that.

If you only saw your kids 40% of the time, missing out on so much, and occasional chances came up to see them, chat about their day, give them a cuddle, be involved, wouldn’t you take it?

All I’m saying is, asking your child’s other parent, to help parent, isn’t always malicious, I’d say it very rarely is!

True. But it's also more than obvious when it's for very deliberate motive. People don't just guess these things for champagne and giggles, they can see what the situation is.

I’ve also seen how the narrative from exes plays out, many men do paint their exes in a scornful light, the new partner believes it and it’s not always true.

Yes but in this case that's what she's demonstrating herself to be. DH isn't painting her as anything.

*Spot on
We miss our kids. Any chance to get a bit of time with them, even if mundane stuff like school runs or swimming lessons, it’s great and we take that.

If you only saw your kids 40% of the time, missing out on so much, and occasional chances came up to see them, chat about their day, give them a cuddle, be involved, wouldn’t you take it?*

Not if I had just sat down for a meal prepared by my partner, if I still expected to be in a relationship with them.

That's a perfect example.

One parent's deliberate inability to leave the other alone, is nothing to do with co-parenting, and they should not be enabled by the other parent to dress it up as such.

*Spot on
We miss our kids. Any chance to get a bit of time with them, even if mundane stuff like school runs or swimming lessons, it’s great and we take that.

If you only saw your kids 40% of the time, missing out on so much, and occasional chances came up to see them, chat about their day, give them a cuddle, be involved, wouldn’t you take it?*
@BillMasen - not trying to be rude but if that's the case why separate/divorce?
ANY parent who makes the decision to separate from the other parent HAS to take on board that they will no longer see their dc every day.
It's really hard - I know I'm a divorced parent but both I and my exh deal with the fact that we no longer have the luxury of full time with our dc & we respect each other's time with them.

*We miss our kids. Any chance to get a bit of time with them, even if mundane stuff like school runs or swimming lessons, it’s great and we take that.

If you only saw your kids 40% of the time, missing out on so much, and occasional chances came up to see them, chat about their day, give them a cuddle, be involved, wouldn’t you take it?*

Not if I already had plans with my partner. My partner is equal to my dc, not below them.

If I had a child with a high conflict person I would not put my dc in the middle of any more conflict. I would get a CAO, minimum contact with ex to not give any room for conflict and parent my dc with boundaries so they feel safe and secure with me. I wouldn't drop my partner on my exes whims.

In an ideal world dc would have both their parents together and see them every night. Accepting that you had a child with a high conflict ex and minimising the impact of that conflict to your child and your new partner is a responsibility for the nrp. Thats sadly what happens when you have a child with the wrong person and there's high conflict.

Tbh nrp with high conflict exes do need to choose between boundaries with ex or staying single. Its not fair to bring that conflict into a new relationship.

You'd hate my two!

My ex bought the kids an Alexa so they could speak to him when every they want and they pester the bloody life out of him

Your partners sounds very involved with his son and probably feels guilty he isn't living with him. So is absolutely prepared to drop stuff to go see his son or take him what he needs. I dragged ex back here the other night as dd had left her school bag in his car and she needed to do home work. I've rang ex up and told him am stuck in traffic can he grab the kids and he does. Ive a sick kid off school and ive asked ex to come here at lunch so I can go to work and he is. I also asked him to grab some sandwich stuff from the shops for the packed lunches if I have nothing in and he does.

Some people do prioritise their kids and its nice to see. We have a loose 60/40 split, not court ordered but if ex finishes work early he will ring and ask to pick the kids up from school even just to see them for an hour because he misses them.They are his kids. Some parents are happy they have split up but want to be 100% present for their kids and not tied in to set days and times.

Tbh OP you can't blame her, he is very happy for the stars quo. Maybe you need to find some one with out kids.

@Tiredoftattler

If your partner is capable if thinking for himself, he probably is aware of what he is and is not required to do. I am not certain why you would object to his doing that which he does not object to doing.

Perhaps, he does not view it as doing a favor for his ex, but rather as an opportunity to do with and for his child many of those things that a father who lives full time with his children get to take for granted.

It probably does not matter to him that it is his ex making the request , it probably only matters to him that he gets to do yet another "normal" dad thing. It means that he can demonstrate to himself and his child that his time with her us not just something prescribed and outlined by a Court Order.

He is her dad regardless of whose day it is. That can create an enormous amount of security for a child and allow a man to know that he is having spontaneous interactions with his child and not just "his days" involvement in his child's life.

Agree with this.

It's his call. Making a mountain out of it is really bad form.

Don't get involved in dating parents if you're going to resent the time they spend with their kids. The dynamic with the ex is none of the girlfriend's business, really.

@scrambledcustard if that works for you & your ex, & any respective partners are happy with that - great.
But I certainly would not countenance my partner doing his ex's groceries unless she was bedridden & had no family to help, nor would I ever ask something like that off my exh (and we have an amicable) relationship).
Imo that's not being helpful - Its being codependent.

@StarryNight468

*We miss our kids. Any chance to get a bit of time with them, even if mundane stuff like school runs or swimming lessons, it’s great and we take that.

If you only saw your kids 40% of the time, missing out on so much, and occasional chances came up to see them, chat about their day, give them a cuddle, be involved, wouldn’t you take it?*

Not if I already had plans with my partner. My partner is equal to my dc, not below them.

If I had a child with a high conflict person I would not put my dc in the middle of any more conflict. I would get a CAO, minimum contact with ex to not give any room for conflict and parent my dc with boundaries so they feel safe and secure with me. I wouldn't drop my partner on my exes whims.

In an ideal world dc would have both their parents together and see them every night. Accepting that you had a child with a high conflict ex and minimising the impact of that conflict to your child and your new partner is a responsibility for the nrp. Thats sadly what happens when you have a child with the wrong person and there's high conflict.

Tbh nrp with high conflict exes do need to choose between boundaries with ex or staying single. Its not fair to bring that conflict into a new relationship.

YOU sound high conflict bloody hell.

@scrambledcustard are you high conflict though? Do you scream and shout if you're running late and can't make the school run, but ex is busy elsewhere? It sounds like you and ex successfully coparent in a way that suits you both.

[quote Magda72]@scrambledcustard if that works for you & your ex, & any respective partners are happy with that - great.
But I certainly would not countenance my partner doing his ex's groceries unless she was bedridden & had no family to help, nor would I ever ask something like that off my exh (and we have an amicable) relationship).
Imo that's not being helpful - Its being codependent.[/quote]
Meh they are his kids. He doesn't mind grabbing a loaf of bread and chicken slices for their packed lunch

Gosh some new partners are so uptight!

@Raysofsun

But yes I agree with you all that its the way that DP responds to his ex that is the actual problem.

If it's only a problem for you, your choice is to accept or leave. Not demand the three of them change what is working for them. His parenting role is top priority and should be.