DP and his ex

[Raysofsun]

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

Tiredoftattler
If your partner is capable if thinking for himself, he probably is aware of what he is and is not required to do. I am not certain why you would object to his doing that which he does not object to doing

Perhaps, he does not view it as doing a favor for his ex, but rather as an opportunity to do with and for his child many of those things that a father who lives full time with his children get to take for granted

It probably does not matter to him that it is his ex making the request , it probably only matters to him that he gets to do yet another "normal" dad thing. It means that he can demonstrate to himself and his child that his time with her us not just something prescribed and outlined by a Court Order

He is her dad regardless of whose day it is. That can create an enormous amount of security for a child and allow a man to know that he is having spontaneous interactions with his child and not just "his days" involvement in his child's life

Yup

I'm not high conflict, I have boundaries. Boundaries with my dc dad and I expect my dh to have boundaries with his ds mum. You're treating your ex like he's still your dp with lunchbox running arounds ect. I feel quite sorry for him, he'll never be able to move on and carve a life out until you also move on.

But if you two decide to parent like that and forgo new relationships then thats up to you.

@Magda72

*Spot on We miss our kids. Any chance to get a bit of time with them, even if mundane stuff like school runs or swimming lessons, it’s great and we take that.

If you only saw your kids 40% of the time, missing out on so much, and occasional chances came up to see them, chat about their day, give them a cuddle, be involved, wouldn’t you take it?*
@BillMasen - not trying to be rude but if that's the case why separate/divorce?
ANY parent who makes the decision to separate from the other parent HAS to take on board that they will no longer see their dc every day.
It's really hard - I know I'm a divorced parent but both I and my exh deal with the fact that we no longer have the luxury of full time with our dc & we respect each other's time with them.

You don’t divorce your kids, and the reasons for divorce are not related to them at all.

I divorced due to my ex cheating. That means I see less of my kids. I accept that but don’t see anything wrong with taking an opportunity to be involved outside of my “allowed” time

@StarryNight468

I'm not high conflict, I have boundaries. Boundaries with my dc dad and I expect my dh to have boundaries with his ds mum. You're treating your ex like he's still your dp with lunchbox running arounds ect. I feel quite sorry for him, he'll never be able to move on and carve a life out until you also move on.

But if you two decide to parent like that and forgo new relationships then thats up to you.

And I feel sorry for your ex and dc for being so ridged I bet the separation was tough on your kids

[quote StarryNight468]@scrambledcustard are you high conflict though? Do you scream and shout if you're running late and can't make the school run, but ex is busy elsewhere? It sounds like you and ex successfully coparent in a way that suits you both.[/quote]
No I dont think I'm high conflict, ive not shouted at ex since the day I found him cheating. I could have easily been though. Especially when his girlfriend rang up to introduce herself.That was interesting.

Gosh some new partners are so uptight!
@scrambledcustard - firstly I am not a new partner. I am single & deliberately so as I do not want myself & my dc to have to deal with the dynamic you have with your ex. I do not have that dynamic with my exh & as a result he, I, his dw, our dc & their dc all have a very good relationship where everyone is respected.
Secondly, having boundaries does not mean a person is uptight. Having boundaries means you are in a really good headspace & not stuck in the past. I personally would rather be around boundaried people no matter what my relationship with them, than people with no boundaries. You always know where you stand with people who have boundaries & imo that's worth it's weight in gold.

@PerveenMistry So you think it's ok that me and DP had plans to go the cinema, his ex rings and says she's at a hair appointment (which she could have booked any time as she doesn't work) so he needs to pick DSS up from school in 3 hours, therefore cancelling our plans, is ok?

You don’t divorce your kids, and the reasons for divorce are not related to them at all
@BillMasen no you don't & of course the reasons are not related th the kids. But, no matter what the reason for the divorce it is still the separating of the family unit which now becomes two family units & that's just a fact & when we as parents cannot accept that it blurs the lines for all involved.
I too was cheated on & had to work very hard on learning to be alone when my dc were with their dad & to not feel resentful about it & to not deny him his time with them because in truth? - For a while I didn't believe he deserved to have them because he had ripped our family apart.
But learning to live a portion of my life without my dc was the best thing I ever did for myself & went a very long way to letting me forgive him & in doing so move on with my life.

@Magda72

When my ex and I divorced, the relationship between the 2 of us was charged. However, my children's family unit did not change. They still had the same mom and the same dad and the love and obligations that mom and dad had for them did not change. No subsequent relationships that their father and I entered into changed or modified our love, commitment , and obligations to our children.

If my ex does something with or for my children, he is never doing me a favor; he is doing "father to his children." If I do anything that conveniences him, I am not doing him a favor, I am doing "mother to my children/"

My husband on occasion has had to run out during dinner or some activity or other, as have I, to pick up or bring something over to 1 or other of the children. Neither of us see that as an intrusion on our lives; we see that as the cost/privilege/obligation that comes with being a 24/7 parent.

He needs tp prioritise you over her, while formalising his contact with he daughter. It's one thing to step in in an emergency, but this is entirely unreasonable. His reaction is problematic, too. It's time for you to set out your needs while he listens - be as specific as possible.

You have a DP issue, either suck it up for the next decade or forever as he's training DSS to behave the same or tell him it's a deal breaker.

[quote Raysofsun]@PerveenMistry So you think it's ok that me and DP had plans to go the cinema, his ex rings and says she's at a hair appointment (which she could have booked any time as she doesn't work) so he needs to pick DSS up from school in 3 hours, therefore cancelling our plans, is ok? [/quote]

I think that if you don't want to be low priority you should find a childfree man to date.

@PerveenMistry
I have had many hair appointments that started on time and ended up going long beyond the expected end time . I would think that him running out so that his kids were not stranded was more important than having to see a later showing at the cinema or interrupting his meal.

When one becomes a parent, there is a certain amount of flexibility that is required as a parent.

I would assume that these are not daily interruptions , but when one
becomes a parent ,flexibility is an essential part of parenting.

I think that just as he is willing to drop anything to see that his child (for whatever reason) is not stranded, so too do you get to decide that you do not what to have a partner who responds in that manner.

You both have the right and freedom to choose what works for you. He seemingly has made his choice, and now you are angry because his choice is not your choice. You want the right to choose for the both of you. He wants the right to make his own choice.

If it is not working, you have the right and obligation to yourself to stay or to go. You may just not be compatible when it comes to establishing priorities.

@PerveenMistry I have DC myself and I would never behave that way.

@Raysofsun
Exactly, you would choose how to respond in that situation in the way that you think appropriate; he too is responding in the way that he seems appropriate.

Neither way is necessarily right or wrong; they are just alternative responses based upon your individual points of view and priorities.

Clearly, you do not share similar points of view and priorities. Hence, you must either compromise or perhaps separate. Neither of you should have to remain in a situation that makes you uncomfortable.

[quote Raysofsun]@PerveenMistry I have DC myself and I would never behave that way. [/quote]
Well, he does.

We can't change others, only ourselves. If his choices aren't acceptable to you, you are free to find someone more compatible. Not free to interfere in a dynamic that is working for him, kids and ex.

Sorry op, not everyone agrees with you. He sounds like a brilliant committed dad, I’d be more concerned if you’d written, his children’s mother sometimes asks for help with their child in difficult patches but he won’t help her because we are watching a film. Or she has asked him to pick up child but he said no because it’s not his contact day, who is the one who loses out then? The child

@scrambledcustard please don't feel sorry for my dc, they're both absolutely lovely and doing well.

You're mixing coparenting and relationship expectations. It might work now, and if you are both happy with that then that's your life choice.

Boundaries make children feel safe, especially after divorce/separation. They're hard to implement at first for some people, but literature tells us boundaries work for children. That's not to say in an emergency their dad shouldn't help, but lunch box food forgetting isn't an emergency.. and neither is what the OP has described either.

My dh struggles with a high conflict ex, he wouldn't ever cancel me last minute for a non emergency. He'd tell dss mum to sort it out herself, like he does with his own parenting solveable emergencies on his time. Dss dm screamed down the phone a lot at him when we first got together and tried to pull similar stunts, although dh has his downfalls, running around after her isn't one thank fuck! I would have ran for the hills!

@Tiredoftattler there is a massive difference between dropping something to the other parent that your dc may need or have forgotten & doing that parents grocery shopping, or responding to every non important request from the other parent; requests that are deliberately positioned to disrupt. There is also a massive difference between helping the other parent out in an emergency or if there is there is a genuine issue with the dc & dropping everything, all the time for whims on the part of the other parent; whims such as choosing to get your hair done to coincide with the school run that you are supposed to be doing.
I work for myself so can be flexible but my exh works very set hours. There is no way I would organise personal stuff when I'm supposed to be doing stuff for my dc & expect him to drop everything to jump to my tune!
Furthermore - I will always be my dc's mum & my exh their dad but my dc have two family units now - the one they have with me & the one they have with their dad, his dw & their half siblings. My dc are very content with this & know exactly who their parents are.

Well, he does.

We can't change others, only ourselves. If his choices aren't acceptable to you, you are free to find someone more compatible. Not free to interfere in a dynamic that is working for him, kids and ex.

Yep, this is what it comes down to. You haven’t said OP if it’s always been like this in the 4 years you’ve been together or a new thing, but regardless, this is where you are now.

But WHY should op not be free to question (not interfere) in a dynamic that suits dp, kids and ex but does not fully suit her???
She's her dp's CHOSEN partner & as such she has every right to question things that she feels are causing her grief in her relationship. She's not just some appendage to his previous relationship .
By your logic the ex & dc should always supersede the new partner & that's exactly the type of tired old "first family will always be the only true family" narrative that when held on to is precisely what makes blending impossible & makes stepparents lives so miserable.
It IS possible to prioritise your dc & your partner equally but this sort of jaded, archaic rhetoric is what people who just don't want to let go of their exes thrive on & it ruins relationships & weaponises the dc.

Not free to interfere in a dynamic that is working for him, kids and ex

Interfere??? WTAF?! Is OP not part of this relationship? How on earth is her having an opinion about how SHE is being treated interfering?! What utter bullshit.
If her partner even for a second considers her feelings on this “interfering” then he had absolutely no business being in a relationship.
He is not God & master of the relationship, being in a relationship is about considering your partner’s feelings and wants too… otherwise it is not a relationship at all

Not sure if you mean me @Magda72 or the poster whose quote I said I agreed with, but you’re right, of course the OP has a right to question. I’ve already said she should speak up if it affects her arrangements, which it does. I don’t think she’s interfering by doing that.

What I agreed with in that quote was the sentiment that you can only change yourself and how you respond to a situation.

I personally don't really see the issue in this other than for you? Obviously an unpopular opinion here but actually to me it just seems like your DP is facilitating a normal co-parenting relationship that is equal to what he would be willing to do if he was a single family unit.

If it's causing problems in your relationship and your DP isn't addressing it then you have a DP problem not an Ex problem.

Well I had the perfect opportunity to talk to DP as he mentioned over dinner tonight that his ex has asked him to take DSS to various things that he has on next week, 3 days in a row, none on his contact days, and he's said yes to all.

He's taken it that I have a problem with him seeing DSS, which I don't have AT ALL. So safe to say, it didn't go down well.