DP and his ex

[Raysofsun]

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

It doesn't matter what her appointment is for and whether someone else could handle it on their own. She wants her partner present and he made a commitment to her to be there. Unless there was a genuine emergency, he ought to stand by what he agreed to do!

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

It doesn't matter what her appointment is for and whether someone else could handle it on their own. She wants her partner present and he made a commitment to her to be there. Unless there was a genuine emergency, he ought to stand by what he agreed to do!

His availability to his children takes precedence.

In an emergency, yes. Not because his ex wife has booked an appointment for the child during the time he's supposed to be with her.

If he want to put his children (his ex!) first on every occasion, regardless of circumstances then he should have remained single.
That's it really.

@DuchessDarty - no my last post was directed at you - it was in response to another poster whom you quoted. Apologies - I should have made that clearer.

@DuchessDarty - was NOT directed at you. Can't type tonight.

@Magda72 you mean your last was not directed at me? No problem!

Lol x posts

This man has made it abundantly clear that he is more vested in being a dad than he is in being a boyfriend. He is not misleading anyone. Clearly, he will not pass up an opportunity to be available for his son if it is at all possible for him to be available.

His girlfriend can shout from the rooftop that she views this as unfair. That changes nothing. The question is not why does he do this; the only relevant question is after knowing this ,why does the girlfriend remain in this relationship?

In a relationship, you are with the person who is; you are not in a relationship with the person that you want them to be.

The OP is fully aware of this man's decision making process; so much so that she catalogs his perceived transgressions. If anyone is being misleading and deceptive it is not the boyfriend. The OP is deluding herself and perhaps starting to enjoy her role as victim.

The man has repeatedly demonstrated his intention to be available for his child in the manner that he personally deems most appropriate for his relationship with his child.

What is the point in blaming him for his decisions? The OP seems to have made the decision that she is willing to remain in a relationship where decisions are made in an obvious and consistent manner as long as she has some limited hold on the man.

These are 2 people who are each doing as they please. I actually do not see a problem. He is the dad that he chooses to be, and the OP stays as the victim that she perceives herself to be. Both could leave and yet both choose to stay. They each must be getting something from this scenario in its current status.

What Tiredoftattler has outlined is true of many fathers who are NRP's.

To my mind, DC need to be prioritised, yes, but not at the expense of everything else going on in your life.

People who are unable to balance the needs of DC with those of a romantic partnership with someone who is not the DC's other parent, are probably best off remaining single until the DC are adults. If not, the expectations of those in a relationship with such people will never be met.

I think if he’s shot the conversation down he’s leaving you little choice but to leave.

When I have raised as much with my DP it’s been mixed. He can often be defensive at first, but generally he will come round. Usually when I give him an example that would match what he is doing with my own DC and my own ex, at which point he realised if I did that, it would pee him off and he would feel it was unfair/overstepping.

I am 99% sure my DPs reaction comes from guilt and possibly his ex making him out to be worlds worst dad should he say he cannot do something, but he’s actually a great dad, and does lots for his kids. It has taken some of me showing him that too, for him to realise he doesn’t have to jump to every request to be a good dad. And ultimately saying if that was how it is, that this relationship is not for me.

And I would leave, as I’m not willing to live by someone else’s life and adapt mine constantly to an ex who wants to do as they please and have DP come running, if he wants to do that fine, but he won’t be dragging me along with it. I wouldn’t expect anyone to do that with me or my kids either.

I think if you are separated parents, yes you need to co-parent but you also need to be able to live your seperate lives, communication and boundaries is key to that. Yes be flexible to a point and adapt but the exes time is there time and you have to be willing to accept them saying no to a request if they have other commitments/plans, unless as said it’s an emergency.

I give my ex this privilege as does he me, and I want to be in a relationship where my DP does the same.

I don’t at all think YABU to want to know where this stands and to not have to accept him constantly changing things round to fit his ex.

@Youseethethingis

If he want to put his children (his ex!) first on every occasion, regardless of circumstances then he should have remained single. That's it really.

Well, OP is not handcuffed to the kitchen sink. She can return him to single hood any time she chooses.

He's not hiding who he is.

@Blendiful

I think if he’s shot the conversation down he’s leaving you little choice but to leave.

When I have raised as much with my DP it’s been mixed. He can often be defensive at first, but generally he will come round. Usually when I give him an example that would match what he is doing with my own DC and my own ex, at which point he realised if I did that, it would pee him off and he would feel it was unfair/overstepping.

I am 99% sure my DPs reaction comes from guilt and possibly his ex making him out to be worlds worst dad should he say he cannot do something, but he’s actually a great dad, and does lots for his kids. It has taken some of me showing him that too, for him to realise he doesn’t have to jump to every request to be a good dad. And ultimately saying if that was how it is, that this relationship is not for me.

And I would leave, as I’m not willing to live by someone else’s life and adapt mine constantly to an ex who wants to do as they please and have DP come running, if he wants to do that fine, but he won’t be dragging me along with it. I wouldn’t expect anyone to do that with me or my kids either.

I think if you are separated parents, yes you need to co-parent but you also need to be able to live your seperate lives, communication and boundaries is key to that. Yes be flexible to a point and adapt but the exes time is there time and you have to be willing to accept them saying no to a request if they have other commitments/plans, unless as said it’s an emergency.

I give my ex this privilege as does he me, and I want to be in a relationship where my DP does the same.

I don’t at all think YABU to want to know where this stands and to not have to accept him constantly changing things round to fit his ex.

Wow, really well-said! This sums it up.

@PerveenMistry I think you've massively contradicted yourself highlighting that post.

A post or so ago you were saying (paraphrase here) OP is unreasonable for being upset about dp jumping to ex and not having boundaries in regards to her appointment, but now you're agreeing with boundaries. Or, in the nicest way, do you get it now?

I think the real issue is that many people tend to believe that there is some universally accepted or universally ordained/codified way in which relationships are to be conducted. In reality that is not the case.

Relationships end up evolving something that comes from the experiences, beliefs, values, and points of view that each party brings to the table.

What is right becomes the way that you can best make it work for the 2 of you. No one is wrong for having a point of view that is different than yours. They are just the wrong person for you.

So many women ( seemingly more than men) respond as though they are being mistreated or denied something to which they are entitled when the partner has a different point of view or simply prefer to do things in a different manner.

The truth is that it just means that the person and the relationship are not a good fit for you.

It is pointless to try to determine if the partner is or is not ready for a relationship ( that really is not your concern or judgement to make.) What is glaringly apparent is that the 2 of you are not ready to be in a mutually satisfying relationship. The next man or woman may come along and be perfectly content with what he brings to the table. You need only be aware that what he is bringing to "your " table is not what "you" need.

You do not need to know the reasons or motivations behind his behavior; it is sufficient to know that he is satisfied with it but that it does not work for you.
Leave him with his satisfaction and go and find your satisfaction.

@Raysofsun hang on....

She doesn't work does she? So why exactly does DP need to do these three appointments in the time she should be with her son. What is her reasoning that he needs to do it in what is her contact time?

Does he not work? How is he available to take three times over three consecutive days do do this?

@TwinsAndTrifle No she doesn't work. DP works full time (although hours are condensed due to him having quite a lot of contact days). It's not so bad at the moment for him to pop out as he's working from home, but he's returning to the office soon. He's either working through lunch, making the time up or booking annual leave to do all these appointments/school runs on his non contact days. It's lucky his manager is so flexible (at the moment).

There doesn't seem to be much reasoning behind asking DP to do the appointments other than she thought he might like to know how they go first hand etc.

Sorry, just read back. DH is working from home.

This is sounding really weird on the mother's part now.

You already have DSS 40% of the time.

Essentially 3 days a week and she has him 4.

And she's arranged the 3 days this week that he would be with her, 3 consecutive daily appointments, and said DP is to have him.

She's not working. And this is her limited contact time with her child, and every day she's telling DP, you need to take him (to wherever).

If DH and I were separated, and I only had DTwins 60% of the time, that is my time and whilst there might be some degree of flexibility (maybe drop off or pick up an hour later because he's had to work late) my time is mine with my children (unless emergency etc)

Why on earth, when I already lose them for 40% of the week, would I constantly try and make him take them during my 60% too?

She's either hell bent on splitting you up because she knows the effect it has on your relationship, or there is something really awry here.

Have you considered the latter?

There doesn't seem to be much reasoning behind asking DP to do the appointments other than she thought he might like to know how they go first hand etc.

Ok, this is rubbish. DH (or I) are not on the edge of our seats wondering how a dental check up went, lest we miss it first hand and the other was present. I'd take them. Maybe send him a text after to say "dentist all fine". Maybe.

He absolutely didn't need to do these 3 appointments because she couldn't. She could. And could have sent a very dull text about it after.

DH taking continual annual leave while I sit at home, so he can have first hand dental check up memories? Babies first haircut...maybe...at a push. This is such a non event that falls within her time, and he has to be called upon and drop his work. That's just not what people do, separated or not. There's something really off here.

@TwinsAndTrifle I know, it's odd. I don't even text my DC's dad about their dentist appointments! I may mention at the next pick up if they needed something doing, but that's it.

I don't know what it's all about really. The rare occasion he's said no to a request, he's been called a crap dad, he'll get a Facebook message from one of her family saying he needs to help out more, DP and his ex will then have a shouting match down the phone. Then it's forgotten. That could be why he always agrees I guess.

@TwinsAndTrifle you are spot on with that. My dd has a long term medical condition. I take her to all routine appointments as exh is working set hours & I can be flexible. I feel no need for him to be there & nor does he as he trusts me & my understanding of medical issues. Of course he would (& has been) want to be there if she was undergoing procedures etc.
You're right - something is very off here.

@TwinsAndTrifle
This seems to be what these people do separated or not. This is the reality of the situation in which the OP chooses to remain.

The ex is managing her life as she deems best for her and her son. The OP's partner is conducting his life as he deems best. The only person not choosing to conduct their life as they deem best is the OP.
She is choosing to live her life blaming her partner and his ex for not acting in a way that would make her happy. Why should her happiness matter to them more than or even as much as it matters to her? The OP has not taken one decisive step to ensure her own happiness but she is annoyed that others are choosing their self interest as their primary concern.

At what point does she simply acknowledge that this particular relationship with this particular man is not leading to her happiness? The purpose of dating and living together is to make these
discoveries. The discovery has been made and now the OP cannot or will not accept that which she had discovered. She wants to blame the others for being the people that they are rather than acknowledge her unwillingness to accept the situation for what it have proven to be.

Correction: that which she has discovered
Correction: for what is has proven to be

I don't know what it's all about really. The rare occasion he's said no to a request, he's been called a crap dad, he'll get a Facebook message from one of her family saying he needs to help out more, DP and his ex will then have a shouting match down the phone. Then it's forgotten. That could be why he always agrees I guess.

Yeah, as much as some PP like to pretend these women don't exist, she's a woman scorned. The whole family jumping on Facebook to rant about "her useless man." They are nothing to do with him and yet she's got them all invested. She can't bear he's not with her. The audacity he could be enjoying himself with you to boot?? Hell no. Jeez, what a circus. You don't deserve this.

Hiding behind this golden egg excuse of "he's a crap dad" if he doesn't run after her. And it is her he's running after. With her made up reasons not to leave her busy schedule of not working and take her own child, on her own contact day, to an appointment. Three days in a row.

She can't let go. And he either likes this, or it has become so long that it's the norm, because it's all down to him enabling it.

Because otherwise, he'd tell her to look after her own child, just as he does in his contact time, stop disrupting his work, and he'd block the keyboard warriors on Facebook. Ask yourself why he doesn't. Fear of the big bad ex? That's what mediation/courts are for.

This isn't looking good for you OP. And I'm so sorry, because you sound lovely. But you can't live like this. And then, oh, look at that, you're out the picture. It's almost like that was the intention.

@TwinsAndTrifle - again, I think you are spot on! The ex is clinging on for dear life & the dp is fully enabling it. I feel very sorry for both op & for the dss as he is being horribly used by both his parents to keep this extremely unhealthy dynamic going.