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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP and his ex

193 replies

Raysofsun · 06/07/2021 21:53

Firstly I wanted to start off by saying that I have no issue whatsoever in my DP doing things for his DS, it's the way his ex seems to dictate it all that is starting to grate.

Firstly she books things in for herself before checking whether DP is available. Last Friday he got a call at lunchtime to say that she had just put her car in for a service so could he pick DSS up from school. Not his contact day but DP is currently working from home so is available most of the time for emergencies etc. Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day.

They agreed for DS to start swimming lessons on a Sunday. DP takes on his weekends, his ex on hers. But more often that not his ex will text and say that she's not feeling well, or something has come up so can DP take DSS to his lesson that day. DP won't say no because DSS enjoys the lessons.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and on the very very rare occasion he says no because it's too short notice and he genuinely can't, he'll get a barrage of abuse saying what an awful Dad he is.

DP has DSS 40/60, does majority of medical, dentist and hair appointments so it's not like he's not involved.

As I said, it's great that DP is so involved with DSS, what I'm finding hard is that he will immediately drop everything for a last minute request from his ex that either wasn't actually required, or should really have been asked in advance!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 06/07/2021 22:11

You're not unreasonable to feel irritated by it, no.

But I think it's unreasonable, or at least unproductive, to blame the ex wife. It's up to him how he responds to that, and so if you have an issue it should be with him. He is allowed to say no. He is allowed to set boundaries. He's also allowed to say yes and to not set boundaries.

I'd tell him how you feel, and mention how it impacts on you (if it does). But stay focused on his actions, not hers. Seething about the ex won't change anything.

parkerpop · 06/07/2021 23:15

Completely agree that yanbu to be annoyed by this. But you're annoyed at the wrong person.

Your DPs ex is only doing what she knows she can get away with based on how he's acted in the past.

It's your DP you should have the issue with for setting this precedent and never saying no (or at least that he needs more notice)

Guavafish · 06/07/2021 23:16

It’s up to your DP - he should handle/communication with his ex better. She sounds like hard work and entitled.

Tiredoftattler · 06/07/2021 23:33

If your partner is capable if thinking for himself, he probably is aware of what he is and is not required to do. I am not certain why you would object to his doing that which he does not object to doing.

Perhaps, he does not view it as doing a favor for his ex, but rather as an opportunity to do with and for his child many of those things that a father who lives full time with his children get to take for granted.

It probably does not matter to him that it is his ex making the request , it probably only matters to him that he gets to do yet another "normal" dad thing. It means that he can demonstrate to himself and his child that his time with her us not just something prescribed and outlined by a Court Order.

He is her dad regardless of whose day it is. That can create an enormous amount of security for a child and allow a man to know that he is having spontaneous interactions with his child and not just "his days" involvement in his child's life.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 06/07/2021 23:38

I would never dream of making an appointment for myself on my contact time and then demand that my ex picked up our DC from school on the day, and then kick off if he said no, so I guess I'm just struggling to understand someone that would. But yes I guess this is more a boundary issue with my DP!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 06/07/2021 23:41

Your DP's ex is happy with the arrangements they gave, your DP also seems comfortable with running around in this way. If he is prioritising his EX's requests, rather than managing boundaries, you are in for a tough time.

If you want to stay in the relationship long-term, you'll have to find a way to make peace with the situation, otherwise you'll become extremely resentful.

And no, you are not being unreasonable.

Starseeking · 06/07/2021 23:41

*they have

TwinsAndTrifle · 06/07/2021 23:47

You're not being unreasonable. She has plenty of non contact days when she could make her own appointments. She is trying to maintain control over your DH through her child because she can't do it herself, and gets to pull the "oh you bad daddy" card if he doesn't accommodate her.

The swimming, she might just be lazy, or like me, and get a terrible headache from breathing in the chlorine, (and that's giving her the benefit of the doubt) but the rest, she's doing deliberately. And he's allowing it.

Just a hunch, she doesn't have a partner...

parkerpop · 06/07/2021 23:54

@Raysofsun

I would never dream of making an appointment for myself on my contact time and then demand that my ex picked up our DC from school on the day, and then kick off if he said no, so I guess I'm just struggling to understand someone that would. But yes I guess this is more a boundary issue with my DP!

I could be wrong but I'm guessing this has been going on for a number of years and gradually got worse?
I'm thinking she's probably tested the boundaries over a period of time and when she's been getting away with it has pushed them further & further and knows exactly what to say to get to him (i.e. he's a bad dad).

Not justifying her behaviour at all btw and it's not how if act with my DD and ex - mainly because I cherish my time with her and make sure to arrange appointments etc when she's with her dad. But also because I know my ex wouldn't tolerate it at all (genuine emergencies aside).

It's your DP that needs to put his foot down but sounds like the behaviour is pretty ingrained so could take a while and might bot be pretty but should be better in the long run

RedMarauder · 07/07/2021 00:24

You need to decide whether you can live with it or not as he isn't going to put in boundaries just because you say so or want him to.

There are loads of threads on this board that show even if you have children with him he will not necessarily put in boundaries and will put his eldest child's wants first in every case.

He will only put in boundaries if his child shows he's unhappy, and even then because his ex is abusive it will be a fight that could turn nasty before it may get better. (This exact part I'm speaking from bitter experience.)

In some cases fathers but boundaries in place because they realise too late their child is a complete brat and their behaviour is out of control.

The situation also may not get better with appropriate boundaries in place as the ex may continue to be abusive and start targeting this abuse at you as well.

So if you cannot live with his lack of boundaries with his ex then dump him and find someone else. There are men out there who have appropriate boundaries in place with their ex and their children.

Tiredoftattler · 07/07/2021 01:32

Is it not possible for some fathers that the boundary or parameter is that they want to spend as much time as possible with their children?They may not care as much about Court Ordered contact time as actual time spent in the presence of their children.

It may not bother them that the availability comes becomes of laziness or lack of consideration on the part of the ex. To them the reason matters far less than the opportunity to spend time with their child.

It is not that they lack boundaries so much as they prioritize time spent with their kids over non-productive arguments with the ex.

They do not view it as being controlled by the ex but rather as having an outcome that they find desirable.

Many of us would put up with significant inconvenience to obtain something that we viewed as valuable and meaningful and not many people would question that logic.

StarryNight468 · 07/07/2021 07:04

Does he get defensive if this is ever spoke about OP?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/07/2021 07:15

If he's cancelling existing plans with you, to run around doing things his ex is responsible for, then you are definitely not being unreasonable to object.
Like it or not, he is a divorced father who has chosen to get involved in a new relationship. His life isn't going to be the same as if he was still in a partnership with his child's mum. If he's dropping plans with you at the last minute because his ex wife has booked a beauty appt, then he's not in a place to be dating. I would be wary of getting further involved with a man who doesn't have boundaries..

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 07:20

If DP isn't happy then he needs to do something about it. I'd be annoyed especially with the hair appointment as that is purely facilitating her lifestyle and not helping his child in anyway. The swimming I'd understand.

If DP is happy to carry on then there's not much you can do.

DancesWithTortoises · 07/07/2021 07:21

YANBU. He needs to say no to the ex then turn off his phone and let her rant.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 07:23

Just before that she'd made a beauty appointment for herself so needed DP to pick DSS up from school but didn't ask until the day. if I did this to my husband he wouldnt be impressed.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 07:38

@TwinsAndTrifle No she doesn't have a partner!

@StarryNight468 Yes he does get defensive if I say anything!

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 07/07/2021 07:57

Does it affect your plans @Raysofsun? You haven’t said.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 07/07/2021 08:07

@Tiredoftattler

Is it not possible for some fathers that the boundary or parameter is that they want to spend as much time as possible with their children?They may not care as much about Court Ordered contact time as actual time spent in the presence of their children.

It may not bother them that the availability comes becomes of laziness or lack of consideration on the part of the ex. To them the reason matters far less than the opportunity to spend time with their child.

It is not that they lack boundaries so much as they prioritize time spent with their kids over non-productive arguments with the ex.

They do not view it as being controlled by the ex but rather as having an outcome that they find desirable.

Many of us would put up with significant inconvenience to obtain something that we viewed as valuable and meaningful and not many people would question that logic.

The reason would mater far less to me than the outcome, more time with my DC.

You're not unreasonable OP to want firm boundaries and not sudden change of plans for non emergencies. You need to talk to your DP to see if he wants that too or is happy with the status quo. If it's the later or if he tries but fails to put in boundaries, the choice that's left is can you live with this or not?

Original poster
Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 08:08

@DuchessDarty Not always, but sometimes.

DSS had left something at ours the other night which could have stayed until the next time he was over. DP's ex rang and said that DSS wanted it so could DP bring it over. If that had been me with my DC I've had just waited as it was only 2 days until the next visit. I'd just served up dinner and DP ate his in 3 seconds and was out the door leaving me sat at the table before I'd even started mine!

It has affected our plans on the odd occasion as if DP picks DSS from school unexpectedly then he can't just drop him home - he's at ours until his Mum decides to come and pick him back up again. Me and DP had plans to do something the other week which were then ruined due her beauty appointment.

DP gets extremely defensive if I say anything, but then it's me who gets his stress when he has said no to her (rare) and she starts with the you're a crap Dad nonsense!

Sometimes I feel sorry for DP as he works full time and is always rushing around for her when she is at home all the time (she doesn't work), but then sometimes I just think that's if that's what he thinks he should be doing then to just leave him to it (and quietly seethe to myself Smile)

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/07/2021 08:15

That would drive me batshit. You are getting the worst of it all - interrupted plans and a grumpy dp!
If it was my relationship, I would be telling him how pissed off I am and that he has some serious decisions to make about his life. Obviously there will be times when plans have to change, but those times are not because ex wife wants to get her nails done. You are basically hostage to her whims and refusal to change would make me leave this relationship. It's not a minor annoyance - this will be your life for years to come if your dp doesn't buck up.

Magda72 · 07/07/2021 08:27

@Raysofsun YANBU in the slightest & this would drive me insane especially with her being at home all day. That's not me dissing sahms but it does give her time to get stuff done during school hours, so her booking appointments that clash with collection times is obviously VERY deliberate.
However the only person who can knock this on the head is your dp & it sounds like he doesn't want to.
I would be very wary of this dynamic moving forward if I were you, as dss will soon learn that dad is available at all times to take up all mum's slack & you could very soon end up with both of them pulling dp's strings.
I speak from bitter experience with this. My exdp was also run ragged catering for his dc as their dm set a precedence of getting exdp to do everything; an attitude which the dc then took on as they got older. Exdp literally had no time for himself let alone a relationship.

Sally872 · 07/07/2021 08:29

Why does dh agree? If it is because he thinks "Great an extra hour with dc" then fair enough. Alternatively he might be thinking "I better do it or she will go off on one" then he should be setting clearer boundaries. But he probably finds this difficult in case she makes contact difficult.

Mum should not be making non essential appointments if they require your dh to deal with child at short notice. But I can understand why he goes along with it when he can.

Original poster
Raysofsun · 07/07/2021 08:38

@Magda72 Unfortunately this has already started to happen - DP's ex bought DSS a mobile a few months back and if DP doesn't say yes to her immediately then he will get a text from DSS saying that he wants to see him.

OP posts:
StarryNight468 · 07/07/2021 08:53

Read the support Cafe thread on this topic OP. Get a glimpse into your future if you stay with him.

I think you need to have a talk and be prepared to walk away if he won't change. You won't be happy and it will get worse. If he really listens to you, and can see how unhappy you are becoming and wants to change I'd still suggest a lot of caution as he may unfairly resent you.