Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

@aSofaNearYou it's almost like some people who aren't step parents come on the step parenting to troll or just take their own issues/anger out at anyone who doesn't say say "I have absolutely no feelings negativity feeling about being SP"

Usually you ask them if they are a SP and they just hush or avoid the question.

@NovemberRain2

Sorry I think you are being quite horrible. Do the SC have their dad on their own at any point? You are not just a nuclear family, you are a blended family.

You really shouldn't have married someone with children if you cannot accept they will be an embedded part of your life.

Are you a step parent ? Sorry but I think your being quite horrible with what you put here.

You have issues and I think potentially you need to work on them.

Ok so here's what you do. You plan something at a time when you know DSC are busy doing something else with their mum.

"Shall the 3 of us go for a quick walk around and grab a bite to eat?"

"Let's make some plans for the summer hols. I think we should think of some day trips that would be best for our younger dc and some which we want to save for when step dc are here as they are better suited for all of them to enjoy together"

"I love our time with step dc but I also enjoy our time with our dc. I think it is important to have fun in both groups."

YOU "Let's go for a walk/picnic"
HIM "Let's invite step dc"
YOU "I'd rather go right now, we can go again when step dc are here too"

Yanbu

Also sometimes say "Let's save that for a time we can all go" to show you are welcoming to step dcs too you just want a bit of balance.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's important for your children to have time with their dad, where they are the focus of his attention. And for you to be able to plan and organise your own life.
But it doesn't matter what we all think - you need to talk to your husband. The fact is he did marry you and have additional children, so he owes you both some time and attention. I absolutely do not see it as making the SDC feel unwelcome - you are allowed to have some of what you want in life too

It's easy. You have all a membership to a local park. You all fo there regularly. It's absolutely fine to go there sometimes without the elder kids.

You are considering going to an eve t or place that is of excitement to the younger child, not so much the older ones. Absolutely fine.

You want to take your child to a place you've never been before or not for some time, that the older kids would love to go to. Not too cool.

I think @Sally872 suggestions are perfect!

@Beamur

It's Dad being selfish here under the guise of caring. He's not considering his ex or his current partner. Just what he wants. Also agree that Dad should spend some of his 50:50 time with his child alone. Kids shouldn't be treated like a unit.

I think this is what is happening here.

It’s all about him.

If he lived with all of his kids, he'd be frequently doing stuff with only some of them.
He's seeing the kids 50% of the time. If it's something that the older ones would enjoy then he needs to consider waiting until the older ones visit big if it's something general like having a Sunday lunch at a carvery then he should respect mum's time. I know she almost always says yes but even lounging around at home is time with mum.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

It’s MUM’S days to have her children. The op is well within her rights to want a day with just her DC and DH when the stepchildren aren’t there. When I was a stepmum I saw those days when exDSC was with their mum as MY days with my children where I was able to spend time with just them, with or without ex. I found those days really important and precious.

If it was a man saying the same regarding his partner’s children then I would hope he would get the same supportive response! I think he would.

Have you ever tried saying..."can we just have you, DS and me for the day out" or do you think that would upset him?

Or could you say that you want him to focus on spending time with DS while you're out, which he doesn't do when you're out with SS.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

This isn't exactly what she's saying. It's fine when the SC are there on scheduled visitation, but it's when he makes contact with his Ex to get his child,...especially for something as meaningless and a non event like a walk... I would dying it rather irritating tbh.

It just seems like a ridiculous attempt to try and be superdad. I'd understand if it was really interesting days out...but basic walks? Nope.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”?

Not what I said but ok.

This is ridiculous, you are not being a cow, you're being a good mother to your children as you want them to have quality time with both of their parents focusing on them. I have had this chat with my partner many times, before our child came along i was more tolerant of being flexible with time with SD we have her about 60% of the time. But i have stated that when shes at her mums shes at her mums and thats it. We do nice things just us and our child and why the hell should i feel guilty about it? And why should he??

What winds me up no end is the people that are incredibly naive saying 'you signed up for it blah blah' why does no one ever say actually...the bloke is the one that decided to have children with someone that for some reason didnt work out, then they chose to have children with someone else, someone else who they're in a loving relationship with so they chose to have this split family and split life that has balance and compromise, otherwise you'll have another split family with multiple children with 2 different mums - try navigating that!!!!!

He sounds like a good dad who wants to treat all his children equally. You seem to be forgetting that.

@Pebbledashery

He sounds like a good dad who wants to treat all his children equally. You seem to be forgetting that.

Such intelligent input that has carefully read and digested everything discussed in this thread.

He sounds like a good dad who wants to treat all his children equally. You seem to be forgetting that

You seem to be forgetting that it’s his ex’s time to have her children. If his older children are with their mum and he therefore doesn’t invite them then he’s not treating them less favourably because it’s not his time to have them.

He has the opportunity to involve them and treat them equally when it’s his time to have them.

He sounds like a good dad who wants to treat all his children equally. You seem to be forgetting that
You seem to be forgetting, or seem not to have read, that he takes time one on one for his older kids but not the younger because he's reluctant to even go to the park without the older ones when it's not even his time to have them. Which is very unequal to their mother and to the young ones.
So, when every thing is read and not forgotten he sounds like a dad who doesn't give a rat's ass about equality for anyone.

I dont see any problem this OP. It's perfectly normal to want some time with just your DC.

A good way to balance this sometimes would be for DH to go somewhere with just his DC too. You could treat that as a special mummy DC day with your own child aswell.

@SupermanInk

It’s natural for him to want his children with him when doing something he thinks they’ll enjoy. You might be the ex one day and you’ll hopefully be glad your children have a father who loves to be with them.

I agree.

He wants to do things with all his children not just some. He is right to not leave them out.

So you think he shouldn't be able to go on a walk unless all his kids are there? Okay...

So you think he shouldn't be able to go on a walk unless all his kids are there? Okay...

Oh I know OP, it's ridiculous.

By his reasoning, every time they go for a walk without him, he should be rushing round there, lest they leave the house without him.

He's fine to have his 1 to 1 time with them though. All his children don't have to come to that.

Your child never experiences any social time out with their father, unless his SDC are there.

The SDC do.

I'm not a step parent but when I was growing up my parents would take us out individually or in small groups (there was 5 of us) often for small activities, but big activities like theme parks/ beach etc we all did together so I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect to do things with only your dc sometimes. Sounds like your dh may feel guilty as his dc doesn't live with him full time.

Before I was part of a blended family, I used to assume that it was generally the “first family” children that got a raw deal, but it’s actually the “second family” children who get overlooked, while Dad is desperately running around trying to overcompensate his “first children” for the divorce.