Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

@SupermanInk

It’s natural for him to want his children with him when doing something he thinks they’ll enjoy. You might be the ex one day and you’ll hopefully be glad your children have a father who loves to be with them.

This is what came to my mind to be honest. I think you should just be incredibly grateful you have a partner who is this involved with his children. It makes me think he is a good man… what if he said ok that’s fine, but I’m going to start taking the older two out without joint DC- would you be ok with that?

what if he said ok that’s fine, but I’m going to start taking the older two out without joint DC- would you be ok with that?

I've literally answered this twice now.

This is what came to my mind to be honest. I think you should just be incredibly grateful you have a partner who is this involved with his children. It makes me think he is a good man… what if he said ok that’s fine, but I’m going to start taking the older two out without joint DC- would you be ok with that?
OP has stated she would be and is ok with that.
I think she would be incredibly grateful if he was as involved with his younger children.
Although you should not have to be grateful that your childrens father actually wants to spend quality time with them.

Sorry OP, treading on your toes!
The same old boring, mindless nonsense gets bashed out time and again and it really pisses me off!

I'm always a little surprised when step parents (mothers usually), come on here and are surprised when they get a pasting because they've said they don't' want the SC around.

But this is NOT what the OP is saying. OP, I think in this instance you are being perfectly reasonable. It's not weird for your DH to suggest the others come sometimes if it's something fun they'd all enjoy, but it really isn't okay that it's every time. Even just in our single nuclear family of 4, it's not uncommon for us to arrange todo things individually or together with just DS or just DD because they have different needs and interests and so always being all together is not practical. This is likely to be even more the case in a blended family where the age gaps are often that much bigger.

And if the SC are getting one on one time, out of the house, with your DH while at hobbies/clubs/meal outs etc, then its not unreasonable for you to want your DC to benefit from this too.

Your children have siblings. I think you need to accept that. How would you feel if all of a sudden your dad stopped inviting you on days about because he wants to spend time with just other kids? You’d feel pretty rejected. When they are teens they are going to stop wanting to come on days out with you.

OMG.

@cs98127634

Your children have siblings. I think you need to accept that. How would you feel if all of a sudden your dad stopped inviting you on days about because he wants to spend time with just other kids? You’d feel pretty rejected. When they are teens they are going to stop wanting to come on days out with you.

If my Dad went on a walk with my siblings when I was at my mum's how would I feel? I imagine it would be a complete non event tbh.

Oh and I am a step child by the way. I'm not completely oblivious to what it's like growing up with separated parents, between two homes etc...

@ TiredButDancing yes that is what the OP is saying. She may not have said it directly, but she is essentially saying that she wishes that the kids weren’t there sometimes.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

Nowhere is it ever accepted on here that a man has the right to not want a woman’s kids around, so why should it be accepted the other way around?

@AlternativePerspective she’s saying that she wishes the kids weren’t there sometimes when they are supposed to be with their mum. Their other parent! Not that she wishes they weren’t there when they are with her and their dad.

I imagine if a woman posted on here saying that her ex was always calling and asking if he could take the children out with his new partner and their small children when it was supposed to be her weekend then lots of people would say it was unfair.

If you are separated from your child’s other parent then, in the vast majority of cases, you are going to spend some time at the weekends without them. It is perfectly acceptable to do things during that time, even if those things involve the younger children. It would be completely different if the OP was trying to organise every day out for weekends when her step children were with their mum.

That's just not true. If you asked that question on this board you'd get the same answers from step parents.
Contact time is for the kids, not the parents. If a child has 2 parents who are engaged and caring, very few of the people they co-parent with would interrupt their children's time with their other parent.

My response was to Anotherperspective too

@AlternativePerspective

@ TiredButDancing yes that is what the OP is saying. She may not have said it directly, but she is essentially saying that she wishes that the kids weren’t there sometimes.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

Nowhere is it ever accepted on here that a man has the right to not want a woman’s kids around, so why should it be accepted the other way around?

Thing is I love my DD but I have also said exactly what the OP has posted about her and I'm her mum.

It has nothing to do with being a SP but actually being a parent. Waiting for the gasps of people who think it's unacceptable to be a human with any negative emotion under the base line of being a mum (sarcasm disclaimer) and we all have to pretend to be perfect. And I have yet to met a perfect parent but you would think MN community is filled with them.

But in the case of SP world this is basically the worst thing anyone can ever say. It's not all rosy all the time. It is completely event dependent.

If the kids are of different ages - you can't all hustle them together because it alleviates the dad guilt regardless of that the kids doing.

My DSC likes horse riding, my toddler likes to whack things. Different children different hobbies and the point it to cater to each child with a added bit group togetherness.

She's not saying I don't want SC here, she's saying can we flex a little.

If I was the mum I would be marked that my ex kept interrupting out time together frankly.

I have been a SD, and I'm a mum and SM. So I have seen it from nearly every angle and blended families are hard. To basically say it's ok to flame someone because of xyz negates the consequences of words... look how that turned out for Carole flack.

@AlternativePerspective

@ TiredButDancing yes that is what the OP is saying. She may not have said it directly, but she is essentially saying that she wishes that the kids weren’t there sometimes.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

Nowhere is it ever accepted on here that a man has the right to not want a woman’s kids around, so why should it be accepted the other way around?

If a man posted this exact same thing he would be equally reasonable. This is a straw man argument. It's the same people saying OP is being unreasonable here, that would lose their shit at a man saying the same thing. Everyone else would see that he was being reasonable.

If I seperated from my DH there's no way I would casually give up the time I saw our child nor would I try and stop her seeing him. Sure, I would be flexible for our DD if she wanted that. But I would get pretty hacked off with frequent requests for things he could be doing in his own contact time.

Sorry I think you are being quite horrible. Do the SC have their dad on their own at any point? You are not just a nuclear family, you are a blended family.

You really shouldn't have married someone with children if you cannot accept they will be an embedded part of your life.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

What a twisted version of what OP has said. Unreal.

People are absolutely determined that if anything looks too much like the younger children being shown equal consideration by their father, it must be stamped out.
Thread after thread, the same old shite.
How about these men don't remarry and have more children if they had no intention of treating their new wife with respect or their children with as much consideration? Why it always the SM who is bad or 😱😱😱 "quite horrible" for having higher expectations?

@Youseethethingis

People are absolutely determined that if anything looks too much like the younger children being shown equal consideration by their father, it must be stamped out. Thread after thread, the same old shite. How about these men don't remarry and have more children if they had no intention of treating their new wife with respect or their children with as much consideration? Why it always the SM who is bad or 😱😱😱 "quite horrible" for having higher expectations?

Responses like that just scream "absolutely no experience of this situation and haven't even read the thread properly" to me.

@NovemberRain2

Sorry I think you are being quite horrible. Do the SC have their dad on their own at any point? You are not just a nuclear family, you are a blended family.

You really shouldn't have married someone with children if you cannot accept they will be an embedded part of your life.

I can’t believe the horrible things people will say to a poster when they haven’t even read the ops posts. That must be the definition of horrible. The op says she would never object to him taking the sdc out on their own, it’s not something that occurs to him often. So he’s still piggybacking on her parenting ‘oh youve planned x? Wait while I invite my other dc’ if his dc mattered to him that much shouldn’t he bloody well plan something? And, this is every weekend that the sdc aren’t there. Aren’t you worried he never takes out his dc with the op on his own? He can’t if they have the weekend the sdc are there and do everything together and then the weekend they aren’t where the op plans something and it’s not enough without asking his dc along as well. Where’s your concern for this dc?

I'm not a step parent or child but-

I understand your wish to sometimes have days out with your kids and DH but if you say this on the day as he's about to ask his kids it sounds like you are specifically rejecting them rather than it being about focusing on the little ones. Maybe you could plan the days just you+DH's family in advance in a 'I want a day out with us and our small kids' way?

I would also find the faff of waiting for a response irritating and maybe you could make an agreement that this is DH's job, you set a time for departure and all you know about it is whether you're picking them up or not? What annoys me is DH faffing out loud about stuff that is really his responsibility. He needs to can it.

@ThePlantsitter

I'm not a step parent or child but-

I understand your wish to sometimes have days out with your kids and DH but if you say this on the day as he's about to ask his kids it sounds like you are specifically rejecting them rather than it being about focusing on the little ones. Maybe you could plan the days just you+DH's family in advance in a 'I want a day out with us and our small kids' way?

I would also find the faff of waiting for a response irritating and maybe you could make an agreement that this is DH's job, you set a time for departure and all you know about it is whether you're picking them up or not? What annoys me is DH faffing out loud about stuff that is really his responsibility. He needs to can it.

Also he could just CALL rather than messaging couldn't he.

@TiredButDancing makes a good point that the older ones also get one to one time with their dad when he takes them to their clubs. I get that the little ones may be young yet to be doing lots of clubs, but that's still a fair whack of time in any given week where the older kids will have either one to one time with their dad or be out with the whole of their blended / dad's family. Whereas presumably OP is dealing with the younger ones alone in the week while the older kids are doing clubs, and then is primarily in charge of the younger ones for weekend activities too. His younger children don't get the same quality or quantity of dad time. Does he ever take them anywhere by himself?

@AlternativePerspective

@ TiredButDancing yes that is what the OP is saying. She may not have said it directly, but she is essentially saying that she wishes that the kids weren’t there sometimes.

Can you imagine the response if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed when her kids come out with them because he only wants it to be “their little family”? She would be told to get rid of him.

Nowhere is it ever accepted on here that a man has the right to not want a woman’s kids around, so why should it be accepted the other way around?

She's saying that she doesn't see why the kids have to be there every single time when a) it's their mother's contact time so it's not unreasonable that plans are made accordingly b) he is already spending time one on one, out and about, with his older children and this is therefore an opportunity to do the same with his younger children.

I think that if a woman posted on here that her partner is annoyed because she is always changing the plans, and dragging her kids away from their contact time with their dad, that actually, no, she wold not be told to get rid of him.

To be honest, I'm just surprised the mother is okay with this. She's in effect giving up her time so that it's significantly not 50/50 anymore.