Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

@motogogo

They are all his children, that's why. Honestly barely a day goes by without a stepmum posts something akin to this.

A dad of 3 will want all his kids with him on a trip out, your joint dc is no more important than the other 2

That's really not true, in the same way a dad of three where all three live with him all the time will want to do things that are age appropriate with each child. We do family days out, DH and DSS days out and DH and DD and I days out. Why would he want DD to tag along with him when he takes DSS to an age appropriate activity that isn't age appropriate for DD? Do you have more than one child? Do you really never want to give one child a bit of one on one attention, and another child that same attention on a different day?

@Coffeepot72 I would have thought this too. I only have dc with my exh but from what I've seen in other families & from my own experience as a partner it's most often the 'new' kids &/or 'new' partner who really lose out.

I only have dc with my exh but from what I've seen in other families & from my own experience as a partner it's most often the 'new' kids &/or 'new' partner who really lose out.

Oh well. The new kids have got their parents together. The new partner has got the man. They obviously have it all already.

Your husband has 3 children. Your child has 2 siblings. Sorry but you don't get to dictate how often they are part of your family life.

@funinthesun19 spot on! 
And @finkirt seriously??? Woman gives birth and suddenly becomes a non person with no right to thought or opinion! Are you living in an episode of The Handmaids Tale???

@funinthesun19 oh give over. Op wasn't the other women that robbed DH from the clutches of the mum and wrecked the family unit 🙄 the parents are together but if DC don't get any one on one time with with DH without the SC being there it's moot point. There would be uproar if OP wasn't a SM and just a mum and this was being suggested. Or does your logic only apply to SC

@finkirt actually she does as she's in a partnership so she does get to have some input unless are we in the 50s and no ones told me 😑 or does she only get input when when she's useful like ferrying SC around.

Every and each child should get one on one time with their parents with age appropriate activities just for them. I say this as a SD, SM and mum.

If my mum had treated SM like this I would actually be ashamed. Lucky they got on really well and akwoleged each other as humans

@funinthesun19 sorry I realised that was sarcasm and I read your post wrong 😑 please ignore me.

@finkirt

Your husband has 3 children. Your child has 2 siblings. Sorry but you don't get to dictate how often they are part of your family life.

But the OP isn’t trying to dictate. She asked how to broach this “without sounding like a cow”. That ain’t dictating. The custody arrangement btw the OP’s DP and his ex should be what dictates, but the OP’s DP isn’t following it and his ex - and the OP - are ok with that, just up to a point in the OP’s case. She wants some time alone just her little DS and both parents on some of the days she’s supposed to have time alone.

OP, have you managed to raise this with your DP yet?

@Magda72 a woman can choose who she is in a relationship with and whether or not to have children. The children don't get to chose their parents.

They have already gone through their parents splitting, and the birth of a new sibling. If their parents are happy to share the care of those children without sticking to strict timetables, I do judge a step parent who complains about it.

Why do I feel so strongly about this? Because I was a child whose step father made it very clear that he preferred the times I wasn't there.

Your DC can't be his only focus because he has other children.
Your DC see their Dad 100% of the time.
His DC only see him 50% of the time.

Do you go out every weekend. Could you not suggest a compromise with your husband, that 1 day a month it's just you, him and your child off out somewhere, rest times invite the others (but insist on inviting with notice so there is no flaffing around)

@funinthesun19 sorry I realised that was sarcasm and I read your post wrong 😑 please ignore me.

It certainly was. I’m glad we agree!

@TwinsAndTrifle

He's in effect saying they (SDC) can go for trips out without me (when with their mother and partner)

But I can't have a trip out without them. And by my preferences, this means OP can never have a day with just our children and me, their father.

And I'd get it, if like OP said, this was Disney world. But this is one picnic, or a walk. SDC live there 50% of the time already, and OP did not sign up for 100% of her children's free time with Daddy being shared with his prior children, who should be with their mother on those days.

This seems to sum it up well.

I totally get it if it’s a big day out (although Re you would organise those for weekends they are with you anyway) but popping out for a walk or trip to the park is totally OTT.

YANBU OP.

Your DC can't be his only focus because he has other children.
Your DC see their Dad 100% of the time.
His DC only see him 50% of the time.

She’s not asking for her children to be his only focus is she?

She’s asking that on the days that the stepchildren are with their mum, that the stepchildren don’t get invited to come along to whatever they’re doing.

When I was a stepmum I cherished the weekends that I got to spend with just my children. Those weekends were important to me and I don’t feel ashamed of that.
Maybe flip this around and see it that the days/weekends that dsc aren’t there are the OP’s days to spend some quality time with just her children because that’s important too.

In these situations it’s not just about the dad. And it’s not just about the stepchildren. Other people matter too.

And I forgot to add that he will be able to focus on all of his children equally when they are with him. When the stepchildren are with their mum then they are with their mum, and that’s just the way it is.

To answer your question, I don’t think there is any way of saying that without sounding like a cow.

To answer your question, I don’t think there is any way of saying that without sounding like a cow.

Sounding like a "cow" to her ridiculous DH. Not to the rest of the world. But sadly it's DH who's ears it will fall upon.

So if you had a child from a previous relationship you'd be really happy with your DP saying you don't want them to come because he wants to spend time 'just us' meaning you, him and your child together?

*saying HE doesn't want them to come

So if you had a child from a previous relationship you'd be really happy with your DP saying you don't want them to come because he wants to spend time 'just us' meaning you, him and your child together?

Have you read the thread? At all?

So if you had a child from a previous relationship you'd be really happy with your DP saying you don't want them to come because he wants to spend time 'just us' meaning you, him and your child together?

If it was my children’s father’s weekend to have them then… yes. I would go out and spend time with my hypothetical partner and DC. Because I understand from experience that life for second children doesn’t just stop the minute the older children aren’t there. It would be different if it was my weekend, and they weren’t invited. That would be a whole different story.

@cs98127634

Your children have siblings. I think you need to accept that. How would you feel if all of a sudden your dad stopped inviting you on days about because he wants to spend time with just other kids? You’d feel pretty rejected. When they are teens they are going to stop wanting to come on days out with you.

Going by experience I'd say that could even happen way before that.

@NotNowPlzz that is NOT what the op said! Read the thread.
As per the norm for forum this thread has stopped being about giving the op advice & has become a soapbox for the anti-sm brigade.

I am a stepmother and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. As a person who was a stepchild and felt left out and devalued by my stepmother, I'm doing my best to make sure that never happens to my stepchild. Just because the stepchild has another mother it doesn't mean they don't need or want more mothering. And the 'just us' language I find very exclusionary. When you're in it for the long haul with someone whatever you do will have an emotional effect on their children.

It’s not like the stepchildren are being locked in a cupboard while the op, her husband and their DC go for a walk to the park.

They are with their mother. It’s her weekend. They will be with someone who loves and values them, just as much as their father loves and values them. Surely that’s a good thing? Why impose on her weekend with her children when they are probably perfectly happy with and spending time with her?
Their mother will have her own plans and routines for her children and they will be having these little trips out with her. People seem to be forgetting all of this.