Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

OP I get it. Sometimes it’d be nice to just have the 4 of you do stuff and not have to have the step child there. To have some memories and photos of your family time and not just all his kids. It’s not out of line and mentioning that it takes away from his mums time is definitely a good opening salvo. So long as your not saying it should be all the time i don’t see the issue with the occasional day out without them.

It’ll change as they get older. I’d just go with it now but tighten up on the faffing about. You will get time just you as the kids get older.

The more chilled about the kids being there the better in the long run.

Absolutely not unreasonable. We have my DC and his DC 50/50 so when we have just our joint DC, we are pretty protective of that time. I hate the insinuation that it has to be ALL or nothing all the time, and that you're a wicked stepmother if you don't include them. I won't buy into that rhetoric because I don't take my OWN children everywhere I go. It's just life.

The other children are older, we like to do things that are just for the young DC and I refuse to feel guilty for it. It's important they get time and attention which just doesn't happen when the others are around - and I get that, they've come to see their dad. So in that situation, I tend to take on the bulk with our joint DC so that his children can have quality time with their dad doing the stuff they want to do. Which means, nope. I'm not sharing my 'free' time when it's their mums contact time.

We go on our holiday with our joint DC one our own, but we also take the others away. Again, not going to feel bad about it. The other DC also go away with their other parents, they're not missing out.

All those people saying Dad wants all his kids there, true, but why does he always get that choice? Isn't SM/OP equally 'allowed' her choice?

All those people saying Dad wants all his kids there, true, but why does he always get that choice? Isn't SM/OP equally 'allowed' her choice

But they both just want their children there. This is why so called ‘blended’ families are the stuff of nightmares in my opinion.

^*It's both.

Yes I'd like to be able to do the odd thing just us.*^

Well when you're talking to him you can't minimise it by saying the issue is the texting and hanging about waiting. Your issue is much more deep seated than that and if you want it to change you need to be honest that you want days out without his DC. Otherwise his solution will just be to reduce the hanging about or arrange it in advance for his dc to be there

But why? The SC are his actual children and it's great that he wants to spend time with them and that their mum is flexible about facilitating it.

Do the SC get time alone with their dad?

Personally I’ve never agreed with this idea that we call time with one or other parent “contact time” children have two parents. They spend time with one or the other, it’s not a case of having to have defined time with each and there never be any variation.
I appreciate people tackle things differently but I really disagree with this as I think it blurs the lines of separation/divorce for everyone involved.
When my exh was doing this it was really unsettling for the dc who then couldn't understand why they couldn't do the reverse - spend time with me whenever they felt like it & spend time with exh whenever they felt like it. Our lives just didn't work like that because we were divorced, both working, and we were both sometimes doing things on our child free time & so had to be organised. But exh's boundaries were blurry & so if he was bored or missing the dc or had something planned (like going to a match) on his actual access weekend he'd contact them ad hoc (on my time) which imo was very unfair.
It would also upend my plans as I'd have things planned with them on my time but if they got the offer of something more fun then of course they'd want to go with that.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having defined time with your parents post divorce & I personally think it's works best for everyone as everyone knows where they stand from week to week and can organise themselves accordingly.

It's Dad being selfish here under the guise of caring.
He's not considering his ex or his current partner. Just what he wants.
Also agree that Dad should spend some of his 50:50 time with his child alone. Kids shouldn't be treated like a unit.

@Magda72

Personally I’ve never agreed with this idea that we call time with one or other parent “contact time” children have two parents. They spend time with one or the other, it’s not a case of having to have defined time with each and there never be any variation. I appreciate people tackle things differently but I really disagree with this as I think it blurs the lines of separation/divorce for everyone involved. When my exh was doing this it was really unsettling for the dc who then couldn't understand why they couldn't do the reverse - spend time with me whenever they felt like it & spend time with exh whenever they felt like it. Our lives just didn't work like that because we were divorced, both working, and we were both sometimes doing things on our child free time & so had to be organised. But exh's boundaries were blurry & so if he was bored or missing the dc or had something planned (like going to a match) on his actual access weekend he'd contact them ad hoc (on my time) which imo was very unfair. It would also upend my plans as I'd have things planned with them on my time but if they got the offer of something more fun then of course they'd want to go with that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having defined time with your parents post divorce & I personally think it's works best for everyone as everyone knows where they stand from week to week and can organise themselves accordingly.

Agree. My kids hate not knowing what is happening when, also enables them to make plans with their own friends etc as they know where they will be.

But they both just want their children there

Yes. But OP never gets that does she. She gets her children plus SDC. Why should DH always get his way, every time? OP isn't asking for them to never come on these additional occasions, just that they don't come on every additional occasion.

This isn't prompted by the children. They'd be none the wiser as they're supposed to be with their mother on all these occasions that OP is talking about. It's not being prompted by the mother, she's not calling asking for them to have extra time away. This is DH.

Agree with everyone on dad time with the dc on his own is important, and that it is normal to want some trips out with just your dc (it’s not ‘not with the sdc’, it’s ‘just with my own’)
If he doesn’t often take them out on his own, the next time he messages and they can join your plans, I’d suddenly fake a headache and let him take them all. Then have an epiphany that that kind of thing needs to happen more often!

@Beamur

It's Dad being selfish here under the guise of caring. He's not considering his ex or his current partner. Just what he wants. Also agree that Dad should spend some of his 50:50 time with his child alone. Kids shouldn't be treated like a unit.

I don't think it's fair to say he's being selfish. It sounds like it goes both ways and that he accommodates the dc having extra time with their mum when it suits. Overall still 50/50

Unless the kids are unhappy about it but I assume not since the change in contact times is to allow them to have extra days out etc so it's the kids who are benefitting

As a separated mum I wish my situation was more like this than being so rigid and inflexible at the detriment of my dd

He wants his kids with him on family days out op,because they're his family. Sorry but this is what you sign up to when you become part of a blended family

@NovemberRain2

But why? The SC are his actual children and it's great that he wants to spend time with them and that their mum is flexible about facilitating it.

Do the SC get time alone with their dad?

Why? Because I'd like our DC to be the focus of his attention occasionally. I'd like them to feel they can have fun with Daddy on their own sometimes. Even if we do end up going alone it's always tainted first by the faffing around just checking if DSC can come.

DH does do some things alone with DSC, mainly their hobbies throughout the week which they go to together. I'd not have any issue if he decided he wanted to take them our for the day to do something more suited to older children. He rarely does but that's up to him.

It's great that he wants to spend time with them

They are here 50% of the week.

Also this isn't even huge things I'm talking. It can be as simple as a walk out and a picnic or lunch somewhere.

@CallMeNutribullet

He wants his kids with him on family days out op,because they're his family. Sorry but this is what you sign up to when you become part of a blended family

Hmmm is it though? My DP knows that I signed up for a part time contact arrangement. I would not have been interested if it was full time and I would not be happy with a life where DSS was there every time i did something. For a variety of reasons. So no, I didn't sign up for this. He signed up to accepting his DS wouldn't be there all the time.

@CallMeNutribullet

He wants his kids with him on family days out op,because they're his family. Sorry but this is what you sign up to when you become part of a blended family

Well plenty of people don't do this when they are part of a blended family so I wish people would stop pretending like everything they agree with should just be expected and is the norm. It isn't for a lot of people clearly.

@TwinsAndTrifle

But they both just want their children there

Yes. But OP never gets that does she. She gets her children plus SDC. Why should DH always get his way, every time? OP isn't asking for them to never come on these additional occasions, just that they don't come on every additional occasion.

This isn't prompted by the children. They'd be none the wiser as they're supposed to be with their mother on all these occasions that OP is talking about. It's not being prompted by the mother, she's not calling asking for them to have extra time away. This is DH.

Totally agree with this.

He got in a relationship with someone who is not his kids' parent, he should not be surprised that they don't want them to come 100% of the time and that a balance will need to be struck.

@aSofaNearYou

I find that such a naive attitude, if something happens to your stepchild's other parent, his father will be 100% responsible for his child. If you blend your need to accept they are all equal. And yes I have dp's dd living with us full time at the moment because her mother has moved, it matters not, she's his dd therefore important to me.

He sounds like a good father and although I do see the irritation of the faff, the temporary loss of control while you wait for a yes please or a no thank you, I think that being married to a good man who considers his DC from his first marriage just as important is something I'd really respect in a man.

[quote motogogo]@aSofaNearYou

I find that such a naive attitude, if something happens to your stepchild's other parent, his father will be 100% responsible for his child. If you blend your need to accept they are all equal. And yes I have dp's dd living with us full time at the moment because her mother has moved, it matters not, she's his dd therefore important to me. [/quote]
Yes, people always say this. If something happened to my DSS's other parent I would give full time a go because I would know my DP had no choice in the matter. That's not a guarantee it would work out, though, as I think the situation would make me miserable. I did NOT, however, sign up for him trying to push contact up to full time on purpose, and he knows that. There is a difference.

You might be the ex one day and you’ll hopefully be glad your children have a father who loves to be with them
Or OP might resent the shit out of her ex continually intruding on her time with her children because she actually wants to spend time with them herself.
I think id be blunt and ask the question - "if you feel you need to have them here before the rest of us can do anything, you need to organise in advance - will you be going down the route of formalising increased contact time or not?"
I'd be hurt that me and my child were not enough company for a picnic in the park to be honest.

I don't get why this argument always comes up. Obviously I appreciate if something happened to their Mum we'd have them all the time. I accept that. But she isn't dead or ill. She's fine. They are with her. And as she is still alive and well, I don't see what's unreasonable for wanting to spend some time when she is with her kids, alone with DH and ours having some lunch or whatever every now and then.

The two situations aren't comparable.

Also me saying this isn't the same as saying I absolutely don't care about his DC and they aren't important. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

@StillCalmX

He sounds like a good father and although I do see the irritation of the faff, the temporary loss of control while you wait for a yes please or a no thank you, I think that being married to a good man who considers his DC from his first marriage just as important is something I'd really respect in a man.

I think it'd be nice if he'd occasionally consider our DC having fun with him on their own too 🤷‍♀️